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Diddling, Considered As One Of The Exact Sciences

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-07-04 01:41:46 EDT
Rating: -0.75 on 8 ratings (15 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Diddling -- or the abstract idea conveyed by the verb to diddle -- is sufficiently well understood. Yet the fact, the deed, the thing diddling, is somewhat difficult to define. We may get, however, at a tolerably distinct conception of the matter in hand, by defining- not the thing, diddling, in itself -- but man, as an animal that diddles. Had Plato but hit upon this, he would have been spared the affront of the picked chicken. Very pertinently it was demanded of Plato, why a picked chicken, which was clearly "a biped without feathers," was not, according to his own definition, a man? But I am not to be bothered by any similar query.

Man is an animal that diddles, and there is no animal that diddles but man. It will take an entire hen-coop of picked chickens to get over that. What constitutes the essence, the nare, the principle of diddling is, in fact, peculiar to the class of creatures that wear coats and pantaloons. A crow thieves; a fox cheats; a weasel outwits; a man diddles. To diddle is his destiny. "Man was made to mourn," says the poet. But not so: -- he was made to diddle. This is his aim -- his object- his end. And for this reason when a man's diddled we say he's "done." Diddling, rightly considered, is a compound, of which the ingredients are interest, perseverance, ingenuity, audacity, nonchalance, originality, impertinence, and grin.

Interest: -- Your diddler is guided by self-interest. He scorns to diddle for the mere sake of the diddle. He has an object in view- his pocket -- and yours. He regards always the main chance. He looks to Number One. You are Number Two, and must look to yourself.

Perseverance: -- Your diddler perseveres. He is not readily discouraged. Should even the banks break, he cares nothing about it. He steadily pursues his end, and 'Ut canis a corio nunquam absterrebitur uncto' so he never lets go of his game.

Ingenuity: -- Your diddler is ingenious. He has constructiveness large. He understands plot. He invents and circumvents. Were he not Alexander he would be Diogenes. Were he not a diddler, he would be a maker of patent rat-traps or an angler for trout.

Audacity: -- Your diddler is audacious. -- He is a bold man. He carries the war into Africa. He conquers all by assault. He would not fear the daggers of Frey Herren. With a little more prudence Dick Turpin would have made a good diddler; with a trifle less blarney, Daniel O'Connell; with a pound or two more brains Charles the Twelfth.

Nonchalance: -- Your diddler is nonchalant. He is not at all nervous. He never had any nerves. He is never seduced into a flurry. He is never put out -- unless put out of doors. He is cool -- cool as a cucumber. He is calm -- "calm as a smile from Lady Bury." He is easy- easy as an old glove, or the damsels of ancient Baiae.

Impertinence. -- Your diddler is impertinent. He swaggers. He sets his arms a-kimbo. He thrusts his hands in his trowsers' pockets. He sneers in your face. He treads on your corns. He eats your dinner, he drinks your wine, he borrows your money, he pulls your nose, he kicks your poodle, and he kisses your wife.

Grin: -- Your true diddler winds up all with a grin. But this nobody sees but himself. He grins when his daily work is done -- when his allotted labors are accomplished -- at night in his own closet, and altogether for his own private entertainment. He goes home. He locks his door. He divests himself of his clothes. He puts out his candle. He gets into bed. He places his head upon the pillow. All this done, and your diddler grins. This is no hypothesis. It is a matter of course. I reason a priori, and a diddle would be no diddle without a grin.

The origin of the diddle is referrable to the infancy of the Human Race. Perhaps the first diddler was Adam. At all events, we can trace the science back to a very remote period of antiquity. The moderns, however, have brought it to a perfection never dreamed of by our thick-headed progenitors. But as there is really no end to diddling, so there would be none to this essay, were I even to hint at half the variations, or inflections, of which this science is susceptible.

Review This Item




Submitted by simple.catalyst at 2012-07-05 22:33:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2012-07-04 17:49:54 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

So this is Poe huh *jots something down*, what a bombastic cockbag he must of been.

Anyway, nice one chad chamley.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-07-04 16:32:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

"He looks to Number One. You are Number Two, and must look to yourself."

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-07-04 16:20:33 EDT (#)

Before I answer that, let me ask you a question. When you clicked on this post, did you notice a sign out in front that said "Humors Pedantic 'Spergers"? No, you didn't. You know why you didn't see that sign? 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause humoring pedantic 'spergers ain't my fucking business, that's why!

N.B.: Just no-one is in any way confused and thinks I'm trying to masquerade as Quentin Tarantino now, I'll go ahead and point out that I did not write the above. Well, I mean, I did type it into the little 'comment' box, but it did not originate in my own brain pan. I would not want anyone to be misled and callously deceived.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-07-04 14:32:26 EDT (#)

No, it seems it's much easier for you to get YOUR panties in a wad over the -2s than to simply, I don't know... edit the post? Ten seconds of your life... THEN, you can bitch about the ratings.

Submitted by Doodles at 2012-07-04 13:43:10 EDT (#)

I find Poe to be dreadful.

I found this to be dreadful.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-07-04 13:02:20 EDT (#)

It's uber - it's ok to call my kids names, call me fat, wish my family dies in a fire.
but OMG don't ever forget to name your source.


Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-07-04 12:50:28 EDT (#)

I thought this was funny. Apparently people would rather get their panties into a huge bunch over my obviously malevolent and duplicitous attempt to trick this site's massive audience into thinking I was actually Edgar Allan Poe. Or something. I...dunno.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-07-04 12:22:50 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Bad form, especially because you edited the original and STILL didn't give proper attribution.
You will be punished terribly with -2s. It'll be bad, but you'll endure it, I'm sure.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2012-07-04 12:09:27 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2012-07-04 09:19:18 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

your plagiarism brings out my rage monster

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-07-04 09:17:10 EDT (#)

"...wouldn't have been as funny." is the funniest thing on this webpage, except maybe the Uberboard. Sad but true.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-07-04 09:05:23 EDT (#)

Anybody with an 8th grade education(and/or access to Google, apparently)would know this was from Poe. It'd be like me posting Shakespeare and not telling everybody I didn't write it. I shouldn't have to.

And yeah, I took out the parts wherein he made it clear he wasn't talking about masturbation, because if I hadn't, it wouldn't have been as funny. But as the unexpurgated version is readily available, thanks to either the aforementioned Google or your kind self, for anyone who wants it, my sense of guilt diminishes to microscopic proportions.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-07-04 08:45:38 EDT (#)
Rating: -2


You forgot the opening part, some of the middle part, and the end part. And the "I stole this from Edgar A. Poe" part.

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2012-07-04 02:00:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Adam was the product of a diddler, not a diddlee.

but that thought makes my brain hurt

If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise!

-- Homer Simpson
Flaming Moe's