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Nah... you don't have the balls. You'll just keep spitting bullshit noise. It's all you have.
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Look on the bright side.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-08-02 14:53:04 EDT
Rating: 0.88 on 10 ratings (31 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

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Submitted by Sage at 2012-08-16 14:11:10 EDT (#)

xoxo @ below :)

Submitted by Merlina at 2012-08-15 18:58:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

God Bless ya baby

Submitted by Sage at 2012-08-10 09:31:11 EDT (#)

I heard a new term for a vajay today: fish whistle.

You're all welcome.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-09 11:32:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

My offer still stands.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-08-09 10:14:37 EDT (#)

Thanks so much for the info, Anglophile, it's all very interesting and I feel better informed on the subject. But I must say, a voltmeter qualifies as "fancy equipment" in my opinion.

Turns out I had a sucky battery. I pick my car up this afternoon.

Rental car: $46.50
Charging system diagnostic: $24
New battery: $94
Labor: $26
Peace of mind: priceless.

Submitted by Anglophile at 2012-08-08 20:39:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No fancy equipment is needed to tell if the alternator is working. While the car is running, use a voltmeter across the battery terminals (red to positive, black lead to negative). The bigger around battery terminal is positive. While running, it should read about 14.5 volts. If it reads 12 volts or under, your alternator is probably toast. Then, turn the car off and measure the battery. If it reads less than 12 volts, the battery is also shot. If it does read 12 volts, wait an hour and check it again (car off). If it has dropped below 12 volts, either the battery is bad OR you have a stuck charging relay. A charging relay will sever the connection between the alternator and the battery at certain times to prevent overcharging of the battery. Overcharged batteries may explode due to the hydrogen gas they produce.

Sorry I wrote a book.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-08 19:00:30 EDT (#)

If you need to get banged to cheer you up, just let me know.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-08-08 18:45:43 EDT (#)

Funny you should say that, Shlongy.

I was throwing myself a pretty elaborate pity party this afternoon, feeling sorry for myself after going through this whole car ordeal, my recent breakup, and the creepy attic man scenario. And on top of that, when I got to Advanced Auto Parts, they wouldn't check it because it was pouring.

Did I mention I forgot my umbrella and was wearing a white shirt? Yeah.

I decided to say fuck it, took it to Goodyear, and got a rental car.

And guess who picked me up to get my rental car?

Some dude from Syria.

And he was going into detail about all of the horrible things that are going on over there.

Suddenly, my breakup, creepy neighbor, and dead battery didn't seem like such a big deal anymore.

I'm feeling much better about life right now, and I am actually back to my whole "look at the bright side" mantra...now that I am renting an SUV, I can go buy a grill. And, it stopped raining. So, I can cook myself a nice steak dinner if I so choose. And enjoy some wine, in peace.

Life is pretty good :)

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-08-08 14:50:52 EDT (#)

Reminds me of, "Shanghai Hong Kong, egg foo young! Fortune cookie always wrong!"
Depends on who opens cookie?

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-08 14:43:08 EDT (#)

Light the car on fire or drive it into a lake. Then, the dead battery issue won't seem so severe.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-08-08 14:00:34 EDT (#)

Oh, and after starting, your car's battery becomes little more than a capacitor, storing electricity for peak demands that may exceed the alternator's capacity (specifically, spikes in amperage).

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-08-08 13:57:07 EDT (#)

What FALLEN said.

Unfortunately, if it's the alternator, your battery may have gone faulty as well but not necessarily. Sometimes if you sweet talk the counter person, you can get the battery replaced for free when you have buy a new alternator (if you're getting it from the same place, of course). Just tell 'em you want to be sure. The actual cost to the store for the battery exchange is nominal and is more than covered in the overhead of the alternator sale.

So far from what you've described, though, it sounds like your alternator has gone to shit.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-08-08 13:22:35 EDT (#)

alternators dont have a charge, they generate electricity that provides spark to make the engine work and recharge the battery.
the battery is used to turn the starter motor that spins the engine. once the engine is running the battery is pretty much not used.

if the car starts once jumped but won't start later on it means the battery is dead
meaning either
A. battery is shit and wont take a charge
B. alternator is bad and not recharging the battery.

go to AutoZone or who ever and have it checked.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-08-08 12:58:09 EDT (#)

I just went out to start my car again just a few moments ago, and it's fucking dead AGAIN.


Silvr, question for you about alternators/batteries...how does it work exactly? Deductive reasoning based on what you're saying below leads me to believe that if I removed the hot wire, I'm essentially unplugging the battery, and the car should be running on the alternator "charge" alone, am I correct?

But if that's the case, how do we know the battery is shit?

Also, I bought a Duralast, and I'm pretty sure it came with a 3-year warranty. I think I still have the little card thingy and everything.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-08-08 10:33:52 EDT (#)

Take it to an auto parts store and ask them to test it for you. They can tell you exactly where the problem lies.

I'm going to assume that "not 'firing up' normally" means that it's dragging when you try to start it. Batteries can go faulty within a year of purchase (especially the cheap ones) and/or your alternator may be failing. Being that is was able to be jump-started probably excludes the starter being a problem.

The old-school method of checking to see if it it's the alternator is to take the hot wire (+) loose from the battery while the vehicle is running. If the car dies, it's the alternator. If not, it's likely the battery.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-08-08 10:24:01 EDT (#)

most auto part stores have testing machines to check you alternators charging ability while its in the car

Submitted by Sage at 2012-08-08 10:10:22 EDT (#)

Does anyone know anything about Nissan alternators/starters?

Lately (as in the past couple of weeks) I've been having trouble starting my car; it's not "firing up" normally. And this morning my battery was completely dead (no lights left on last night, etc). I called roadside, they jumped my battery, and it drove just fine into work. I've only had my battery for 1-1.5 years, so seems odd that it would just die after that short of a time frame.

I have limited knowledge on the subject, but it seems as though this could be either a starter issue, or an alternator issue...i.e. my alternator is not charging my battery while I'm driving, hence why it keeps dying (or being close to dead).

Any thoughts?

Submitted by WiKi at 2012-08-08 00:17:16 EDT (#)

..in my pants.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-08-07 14:04:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Is this an advertisement for k mart.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2012-08-03 14:30:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I read the title and immediately Monty Python popped into my head. Thanks a heap. :P

Submitted by Sage at 2012-08-03 13:44:16 EDT (#)

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-08-03 00:57:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 1



Reminds me of, "Shanghai Hong Kong, egg foo young! Fortune cookie always wrong!"

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-08-03 01:44:28 EDT (#)

The only fortune cookie fortune that I ever bothered to pay more than five second's worth of attention to was one that said 'If you fail to plan, you plan to fail' because it was right.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-08-03 00:57:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 1


Submitted by Fucking foul at 2012-08-02 18:25:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Word! Hope I never see you on COPS!

Submitted by JonnyX at 2012-08-02 16:54:12 EDT (#)

starting with plastic surgery, I am guessing...

Submitted by Sage at 2012-08-02 16:53:53 EDT (#)

I just thought it was funny that I got this fortune during lunch on the first day of singledom.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2012-08-02 16:21:56 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Even I do more than just a title and picture.

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2012-08-02 15:36:17 EDT (#)

Übersite: share, welcome, unite.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-02 15:18:25 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Good grief...THIS is Ubersite?

Show some skin or something...anything but "this".

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-08-02 15:01:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-08-02 14:58:37 EDT (#)

..r butt

Oh, the guys are work are going to have a field day with this.

-- Homer Simpson
The Call of the Simpsons