Shlongy breaks up the Uber monotonySubmitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-06 17:06:43 EDT
Rating: 0.95 on 37 ratings (43 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I just checked the calendar, noticed that it's already November (of 2006), and figured I'd better liven up this shithole with a post.
Had an INTERESTING sexual experience with a couple of our more well known female Uberites so I thought I'd brag...I mean, share with the group.
We're all friends here, right?
(I KNOW I made a promise - took an oath of silence if you will- to these two upstanding broads of Uber but a story THIS good must be told...I'll just change the names so no one will know who I'm talking about...therefore, they can't get mad at Shlongy and no one will get hurt.)
SO it was just a random Friday night...Mrs. Shlongy had to work, what, with it being "Black Friday" and all...when, out of nowhere, my phone rang. It was just a shade after 7pm...I'd only had like 6 scotches so I was in great shape and raring to go. And fairly coherent.
On the line? Two of Uber's finest...we'll just call them "LigerTilly" and. for reasons that I cannot fathom, her friend "Tenpameter". (Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the also, to protect the sluts.)
Apparently, they were on a road trip to Florida - probably going down there over the holiday weekend to load up on some dope and transport it back to the northeast- and when they were cruising on 95, they saw the Hilton Head Island exit- Exit 8 - thought of who else, SHLONGY - and decided to give me a call.
Yeah...They sounded drunk - like I gave a shit - whomever was yelling into the phone was saying something along the lines of "We're horny and we want us some shlong" - I'm PRETTY sure I heard that right...so I gave them directions and they were on our their way to Shlongy's house...no more than 15 minutes from the exit. Whomever I was speaking with said something about their "toys" and requested that I toss some porn into the DVD player so when they arrived, we'd be ready for "any kind of action".
Hold on a second...my phone just rang.
OK, where was I? Oh, right...Another Uber Quiz.
We'll start with a series of 10, easy True/False selections:
True or False
1) Despite her apparent bitterness, Lisa would give her left nipple if she could fuck Shlongy JUST once: T / F
2) Out of all of our proud Uber servicemen and women, Moneyshotforyou is, by a wide margin, the biggest asshole loser of this group: T / F
3) Method = OathMeal = moron T / F
4) Apollo was seen in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade - his head was floating down Fifth Avenue attached to ropes, right next to Woody Woodpecker: T / F
5) Nitty told me to tell Uber to "fuck off": T / F
6) Sicosemen loves himself more than Hidden loved himself during HIS camwhore heyday: T / F
7) Stok, LSD20 Paint it Black and frankthebear are giving Habeeb a "run for his money" for the title of "Uber's biggest fucking retard": T / F
8) jgreening is probably the most honest poster Uber has ever seen, and one helluva NFL prognosticator: T / F
9) Ghola is blowing me while I type this: T / F
10) Jack McCallum doesn't give a shit about UberMadness: T / F
11) Shlongy is dreamy: T / F
Now for some "multiple choice" questions:
1) I'm Uber's biggest dickhead and no one likes me...Toss into the mix that 94% of Uber has never even heard of me and my life pretty much blows. I am:
d) and my alters
e) If I had some
f) kai (in retirement because Shlongy was mean to him)
h) gnarls barkley
j) Wiggles wherever the fuck he is - they must not have computer access at the "fat farm"
l) messmind - who, quite frankly, I've never even heard of
m) I have a boner
n) not anymore
p) or, gaylic
q) are you as bored as I am?
s) Did I leave out anyone important?
t) fuck this
2) No one on the planet - and this includes Inion De Tuna (or however the fuck you spell her name) and Spooner, has more pictures of peni and male asshole stored on his hard drive than I do...Why, I couldn't even begin to surmise: I am:
c) professorfuckface's mom and dad
Phone rang again...
OK, where was I? Oh yeah, let me tell you about my Bahamas Cruise from three weeks ago.
Ever been on a cruise? If you're a heavy eater or a fatass, there's not a better deal out there.
I'd say that 87.9% of Uber qualifies there so call your travel agent today.
I'm neither but I do like to gamble so...
They have A LOT of stuff going on pretty much 24 hours a day on a cruise. You can get food - all you want (pssst...jgreening) at any time of the day or night and it's free; part of your cruise fee...and the activities...man, they have like 40 things to do on the ship every day!
Here's a sample of what I DIDN'T do on Day 2 of the Bahamas cruise:
1) Photo gallery - had no pictures taken, bought none
2) Funship Films - no interest in a DVD of the cruise
3) Formal Night - didn't bring my tux, blew off the formal dinner- too fucked up. I brought my tux once on one of these...got all stuffed into my monkey suit and two tables over, some dickhead was wearing a t-shirt with some redneck retard expression printed on it and a "Dale Earnhardt" baseball hat backwards so I'm done with the formal nights.
4) Shore excursions- we don't do these. We grab a cab and go where WE like to go...Usually the Crystal Palace to lay on the beach and gamble
5) Nuemage Temporary Body Art- yeah, right
6) Art Auctions - no thanks, we have some of that Tarkay shit
7) Shopping ashore- I have enough horseshit we don't need at home already
8) Carnival golf- Oh boy! Mini-golf or hitting balls into a net!
9) FunShip Trivia- I'd kill everyone
10) Bingo - zzzzzzzzzzzzz
11) Game Show - I'll pass- I'm too cool for that shit
12) Dancing in one of the 6 lounges - fuck you
13) Kareoke- Where's my gun?
14) Power Walk at 7:30am- I'm not done throwing up at 7:30am
15) Big Screen Movie - Ummm, I have 52 movie channels on my home TV...think I should take two hours for this?
16) Yoga- I'd rather Toga
17) Library - buahauahauahau
18) Singles Meet - I DID consider this but Mrs. Shlongy put the kibosh on that
19) "Friends of Bill" why would an alcoholic go on a Cruise? It's a 72 hours booze-a-thon.
20) Late night Mexican Buffet- Didn't want the runs when there was a chance of getting my anus tongued.
What I DID do:
1) Smoke many cigarettes
2) Drink from approximately 9am until...
3) Played craps for 18 hours over two days in the casino
4) Has a lot of sex; well, twice the first night...none after that. As usual.
5) Slept until noon the NEXT day.
Cruise done...drive 5 hours home from Cape Canaveral.
Tell me about YOUR cruise experiences and maybe, that can help save this post from the reaming it truly deserves.
And now, that camwhore of my menage a trois I promised you.
I sure hope this works...Until next year, Uber, arriveaderci or somefuckingthing.