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Shlongy breaks up the Uber monotony

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-06 17:06:43 EDT
Rating: 0.95 on 37 ratings (43 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I just checked the calendar, noticed that it's already November (of 2006), and figured I'd better liven up this shithole with a post.

Had an INTERESTING sexual experience with a couple of our more well known female Uberites so I thought I'd brag...I mean, share with the group.

We're all friends here, right?

(I KNOW I made a promise - took an oath of silence if you will- to these two upstanding broads of Uber but a story THIS good must be told...I'll just change the names so no one will know who I'm talking about...therefore, they can't get mad at Shlongy and no one will get hurt.)

SO it was just a random Friday night...Mrs. Shlongy had to work, what, with it being "Black Friday" and all...when, out of nowhere, my phone rang. It was just a shade after 7pm...I'd only had like 6 scotches so I was in great shape and raring to go. And fairly coherent.

On the line? Two of Uber's finest...we'll just call them "LigerTilly" and. for reasons that I cannot fathom, her friend "Tenpameter". (Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the also, to protect the sluts.)

Apparently, they were on a road trip to Florida - probably going down there over the holiday weekend to load up on some dope and transport it back to the northeast- and when they were cruising on 95, they saw the Hilton Head Island exit- Exit 8 - thought of who else, SHLONGY - and decided to give me a call.

Yeah...They sounded drunk - like I gave a shit - whomever was yelling into the phone was saying something along the lines of "We're horny and we want us some shlong" - I'm PRETTY sure I heard that right...so I gave them directions and they were on our their way to Shlongy's house...no more than 15 minutes from the exit. Whomever I was speaking with said something about their "toys" and requested that I toss some porn into the DVD player so when they arrived, we'd be ready for "any kind of action".

Hold on a second...my phone just rang.

OK, where was I? Oh, right...Another Uber Quiz.

We'll start with a series of 10, easy True/False selections:

True or False

1) Despite her apparent bitterness, Lisa would give her left nipple if she could fuck Shlongy JUST once: T / F

2) Out of all of our proud Uber servicemen and women, Moneyshotforyou is, by a wide margin, the biggest asshole loser of this group: T / F

3) Method = OathMeal = moron T / F

4) Apollo was seen in the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade - his head was floating down Fifth Avenue attached to ropes, right next to Woody Woodpecker: T / F

5) Nitty told me to tell Uber to "fuck off": T / F

6) Sicosemen loves himself more than Hidden loved himself during HIS camwhore heyday: T / F

7) Stok, LSD20 Paint it Black and frankthebear are giving Habeeb a "run for his money" for the title of "Uber's biggest fucking retard": T / F

8) jgreening is probably the most honest poster Uber has ever seen, and one helluva NFL prognosticator: T / F

9) Ghola is blowing me while I type this: T / F

10) Jack McCallum doesn't give a shit about UberMadness: T / F

11) Shlongy is dreamy: T / F

Now for some "multiple choice" questions:

1) I'm Uber's biggest dickhead and no one likes me...Toss into the mix that 94% of Uber has never even heard of me and my life pretty much blows. I am:

a) COMountain
b) JonnyX
c) Sphagnum
d) and my alters
e) If I had some
f) kai (in retirement because Shlongy was mean to him)
g) iddqd
h) gnarls barkley
i) zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
j) Wiggles wherever the fuck he is - they must not have computer access at the "fat farm"
k) ETS
l) messmind - who, quite frankly, I've never even heard of
m) I have a boner
n) not anymore
o) kaelic
p) or, gaylic
q) are you as bored as I am?
r) probably
s) Did I leave out anyone important?
t) fuck this

2) No one on the planet - and this includes Inion De Tuna (or however the fuck you spell her name) and Spooner, has more pictures of peni and male asshole stored on his hard drive than I do...Why, I couldn't even begin to surmise: I am:

a) professorfuckface
b) squattail
c) professorfuckface's mom and dad
d) TigerLilly

Hold on...
Phone rang again...

OK, where was I? Oh yeah, let me tell you about my Bahamas Cruise from three weeks ago.

Ever been on a cruise? If you're a heavy eater or a fatass, there's not a better deal out there.

I'd say that 87.9% of Uber qualifies there so call your travel agent today.

I'm neither but I do like to gamble so...

They have A LOT of stuff going on pretty much 24 hours a day on a cruise. You can get food - all you want (pssst...jgreening) at any time of the day or night and it's free; part of your cruise fee...and the activities...man, they have like 40 things to do on the ship every day!

Here's a sample of what I DIDN'T do on Day 2 of the Bahamas cruise:

1) Photo gallery - had no pictures taken, bought none
2) Funship Films - no interest in a DVD of the cruise
3) Formal Night - didn't bring my tux, blew off the formal dinner- too fucked up. I brought my tux once on one of these...got all stuffed into my monkey suit and two tables over, some dickhead was wearing a t-shirt with some redneck retard expression printed on it and a "Dale Earnhardt" baseball hat backwards so I'm done with the formal nights.
4) Shore excursions- we don't do these. We grab a cab and go where WE like to go...Usually the Crystal Palace to lay on the beach and gamble
5) Nuemage Temporary Body Art- yeah, right
6) Art Auctions - no thanks, we have some of that Tarkay shit
7) Shopping ashore- I have enough horseshit we don't need at home already
8) Carnival golf- Oh boy! Mini-golf or hitting balls into a net!
9) FunShip Trivia- I'd kill everyone
10) Bingo - zzzzzzzzzzzzz
11) Game Show - I'll pass- I'm too cool for that shit
12) Dancing in one of the 6 lounges - fuck you
13) Kareoke- Where's my gun?
14) Power Walk at 7:30am- I'm not done throwing up at 7:30am
15) Big Screen Movie - Ummm, I have 52 movie channels on my home TV...think I should take two hours for this?
16) Yoga- I'd rather Toga
17) Library - buahauahauahau
18) Singles Meet - I DID consider this but Mrs. Shlongy put the kibosh on that
19) "Friends of Bill" why would an alcoholic go on a Cruise? It's a 72 hours booze-a-thon.
20) Late night Mexican Buffet- Didn't want the runs when there was a chance of getting my anus tongued.

What I DID do:

1) Smoke many cigarettes
2) Drink from approximately 9am until...
3) Played craps for 18 hours over two days in the casino
4) Has a lot of sex; well, twice the first night...none after that. As usual.
5) Slept until noon the NEXT day.

Cruise done...drive 5 hours home from Cape Canaveral.

Tell me about YOUR cruise experiences and maybe, that can help save this post from the reaming it truly deserves.

And now, that camwhore of my menage a trois I promised you.

I sure hope this works...Until next year, Uber, arriveaderci or somefuckingthing.


Review This Item




Submitted by bueller at 2012-09-02 20:28:21 EDT (#)

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-20 10:57:13 EDT (#)
Rating: -2


Submitted by DaBeast at 2012-08-19 01:17:23 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Needs less Shlongy.

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2012-08-18 19:28:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It better not be me though

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-15 20:31:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Hi yerself....

Submitted by Merlina at 2012-08-15 18:56:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hey dude.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2012-08-13 14:32:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-12 08:29:53 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

And you, apparently, are still a fat, bitter, judgemental cow with zero sense of humor.

So, we're even. Except I'm really way ahead.

Submitted by chitowngirl at 2012-08-12 04:15:45 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

1.) false
You are still an old man looking for instant interwebs gratification.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2012-08-10 13:49:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-08 15:03:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was written in 2006! THAT'S HOW, MISSY.


WOWZA!!! I need a drink.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-10 07:59:13 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

...And the Raiders.

PS. The A's.

Submitted by d_prime at 2012-08-10 05:42:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Sigh, Shlongy... you and me, we go back 8 years now... and in all that time, with all the bickering... the Sharks still haven't won the cup. And when you think about the Sharks not having won the cup, you really remember what matters in life. The Sharks.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-09 19:26:59 EDT (#)

Shlongy has many photos of himself exiting outhouses, Porta-Johns, bathrooms, etc. in his repertoire.

It's kind of the niche that the Paparazzi likes to focus on.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2012-08-09 12:46:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

love the pic , you look like Freddy Krueger from NIghtmare on Elm Street (or should I say Uber Street?)

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-09 11:30:49 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Needs more broads.

Submitted by WiKi at 2012-08-08 17:11:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

what the hell man if they are comin at you , means they want somthin ,more better you look after them and care for them ,than they get on the street uh?

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-08 15:03:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was written in 2006! THAT'S HOW, MISSY.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2012-08-08 14:57:13 EDT (#)

How is it that I still end up in posts?

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-08-08 12:16:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That works.

Submitted by simple.catalyst at 2012-08-08 00:16:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by WiKi at 2012-08-07 17:40:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-07 16:39:42 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

LOL, below.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2012-08-07 15:01:04 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Name drop or not, quit fucking posting.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-08-07 14:22:01 EDT (#)

I'll take "long gone users on an outdated, obscure website, for a thousand , Alex."

Submitted by Yozz at 2012-08-07 14:07:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Multiple Choice Review:

A) Needs more hole.
B) Technically that is a "menage a quatre" - You, your penis and your two hands.
C) WHAT?! No Yozz on the list? tsk tsk.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-08-07 14:00:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What is in your pocket?

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-08-07 13:53:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2012-08-07 13:35:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah, that's nearly the same thing that happened to me.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-08-07 13:19:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I was amused by this post.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2012-08-07 11:46:19 EDT (#)

You should have done your dance: https://www.ubersite.com/m/64272

Submitted by OathMeal at 2012-08-07 10:54:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by John Pike at 2012-08-07 09:57:20 EDT (#)
Rating: -2


Submitted by John Pike at 2012-08-07 09:57:20 EDT (#)
Rating: -2


Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-08-07 09:05:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

good thing you protected their identities, that would have been embarassing.

Submitted by allowbot at 2012-08-07 07:13:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I wish somebody just stopped this website suffering of obsoletism.

I couldn't even be bothered signing in with my other account to cash in on the name-calling.
Die, you lobotomized sucking website!

And a nice day to you all,thank you.

Submitted by pen_name at 2012-08-07 06:10:46 EDT (#)

Submitted by Anglophile at 2012-08-06 23:34:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name at 2012-08-06 16:49:38 MDT (#)
Rating: -2

I'm one of maybe four people who still visit this place and I still don't make a list. -2
Can you please whine a little louder? They couldn't quite hear you in Japan.

This is the internet. I could live in Japan. How about "go fuck yourself."

Submitted by Doodles at 2012-08-07 00:20:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Anglophile at 2012-08-06 23:34:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name at 2012-08-06 16:49:38 MDT (#)
Rating: -2

I'm one of maybe four people who still visit this place and I still don't make a list. -2
Can you please whine a little louder? They couldn't quite hear you in Japan.

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2012-08-06 22:25:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

that shlongy, what a card..what a card..

Submitted by (Brotherbabycakes) at 2012-08-06 22:21:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I chuckled/chortled slightly.

Submitted by Anglophile at 2012-08-06 20:33:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

It's a post.

Submitted by pen_name at 2012-08-06 18:49:38 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I'm one of maybe four people who still visit this place and I still don't make a list. -2

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-06 17:08:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This must be an alter.

This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anybody
wants me I'll be in the shower.

-- Homer Simpson
Lemon of Troy