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There's Only a Few Days Each Year...

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-08-08 12:14:59 EDT
Rating: 1.73 on 19 ratings (30 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

When I was younger, I used to attack the school year with time off for holidays: "Ok so we have a full week, then next Friday off, the week after that we have a half day, then its Thanksgiving vacation!"

Now as an adult (arguably), I find myself kind of doing the same thing. It makes the work week easier when you think about plans (or lack thereof) for the weekend, or that paid day off coming up. But there are some days that just make life worth living, and it is these days I want to briefly discuss with you.

The Fourth of July is always a special time of year for me. The company I work for usually gives us 2 days off, and I schedule the remaining 3 days off along with it. That's 7 days off (counting the weekend) for the price of 3! I have a very large extended family (both my parents are one of 9 children), and this week is filled with patriotic fun at family barbeques, and in Cape Cod. It is one of my favorite times of the year, and it's always tough returning to work after a long week off.

I think we can all agree that Christmas/Festivus/Kwanza/Jew-Christmas is pretty awesome. Who doesn't like presents or feats of strength? I don't need to explain to you how awesome Christmas is, its a universally happy time of year, so if you don't like Christmas, fuck you.

Likewise, New Year's Eve is a holiday that is (or at least should be) universally celebrated. It is a time of new beginnings, making pledges to yourself that will inevitably last 2 weeks before you light up a cigarette or bury your face into a burrito. But its the thought that counts. I'm sure you meant it when you said you were going to try and be more healthy when you were hammered at 11pm last night, then passed out in a puddle of your own puke before the ball dropped at midnight.

Along with these staples of vacation and universally accepted good times come more of the subtle days I get enjoyment from: Anniversary, birthday, first day of summer, first day of hockey season, first big snow storm of the season, first fishing expedition of the year, etc.

Its a combination of these real holidays and lesser holidays that make the daily grind more bearable.

But if you've been paying attention, you will see that i've missed one of the most important days of the year. A day where humans of all ethnicities/nationalities/social classes get to share in mutual admiration on the same level as eachother: as living beings. A day where you get to appreciate the fact that you're alive. A day to be grateful that you're on top of the food chain and that humans don't live in the ocean. A Day so powerful it isn't even a day at all, but an entire week.

Fucking Shark Week.

I hope you can pick up on the fact that the first day of shark week is still 4 days away. The fact that I couldn't wait until then to post this should give you a little insight into my excitement level. Sharks are a pretty big part of my life, not in a literal way, its not like I am a marine biologist or anything, I just mean they scare the fuck out of me to the point where it has a debilitating effect on my day to day life. For Example:

Mrs. BOSHman loves going to the beach. I do not. Once I get into the ocean deep enough for the water to throw me off balance, I am no longer at the top of the food chain. That is a fucking disturbing thought. Additionally, we go to beaches in Cape Cod, the sight for at least 10 shark sightings from shore this year, and fucking one is too many. I usually bring a fishing pole and tell Mrs. BOSHman that i'll go swimming when I pull Jaws out of the ocean. No such luck, yet. I'm also as Irish as you can get (without being ginger) and the sun does terrible things to me. Unless I use baby sunscreen SPF 50, being in the sun is like a fork in a microwave: just a lot of sparks and burning.

So no, I do not enjoy the beach for extended periods of time, but if I do go, I will not go into the ocean. Have you ever seen Shark Week? THOSE THINGS WILL EAT YOUR FACE JUST FOR THE FUCK OF IT. No. Fuck you and fuck sharks.

However, when I am drinking beer on my couch after a long day of work, there is not much else i'd rather do than watch sharks eat all these stupid assholes who go surfing. What did they think would happen? "Oh look its a bunch of seals, the Great White's #1 choice of Hors d'oeuvres, maybe i'll take my surfboard 400 feet from shore so I look like one of them from beneath the ocean surface!" Idiot. I can't wait for that idiot to be eaten. I am equally terrified and fascinated with sharks. I feel safe from the sharks in my house, unless the commercials are true and they actually do try to jump out of your TV to bite you, but i'm just not buying it.

Of course, most of shark week is about how 'majestic' these creatures are, and how scientists follow their migrations and feeding patterns all over the world. But for me, Shark Week is about one thing: Validation. Sunday night I am going to watch a fuckload of sharks eat the fuck out of everything, and receive validation for my concerns with the ocean. I am entirely content being at the top of the food chain on land. Sharks can have the ocean. It all boils down to a respect thing. I wouldn't go prancing around the jungle and piss off a bunch of lions, so why would I jump in the ocean and piss off a bunch of sharks?

In any event, Shark Week rules, and to get back to the point of my post, is one of the most special days (weeks) of the year. Learn some humility and have some fucking respect, and if you ever invite me to go swimming in the ocean, I will have you charged with attempted murder.

(Photo is of a Great White sighting this summer down in Orleans, MA (Cape Cod))


Review This Item




Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2012-08-21 19:25:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Pave over the sea, today.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2012-08-20 12:03:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

if you ever invite me to go swimming in the ocean, I will have you charged with attempted murder.

Great line!

I'm sure shandythedog would agree!

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2012-08-16 23:37:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck yeah!

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2012-08-15 20:14:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dude, are you watching this Rogue Sharks: Reloaded shit? It's worse than the first time I watched Jaws! Technology and video editing techniques have taken my terror of sharks to the next level.


Submitted by Merlina at 2012-08-15 18:44:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-08-10 16:40:58 EDT (#)

Kinda like that idiot from the 'Grizzly Man Diary'.
The same man who took his GF to his camp and she gotten eaten along with him? Rampaging ignorance with a side order of ass...

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-08-10 16:37:26 EDT (#)

Was it voluntary? If so, I question that woman's intellect.
Oh HELL NO! She way kayaking ...


Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-08-10 13:08:19 EDT (#)

Was it voluntary? If so, I question that woman's intellect.

I would be just fine if I never step foot in the ocean again. Salt water is gross, and you run the risk of being eaten by a shark at ANY SECOND.

Have you ever been to a grocery store and stumbled upon the fresh lobster tank? And all the lobsters are swimming around with their defense mechanisms neutralized, but lack the ability to realize that they are sitting ducks, waiting for the right person to come by and snatch them out of the tank and put them into a pot of boiling water to be cooked/eaten alive? To a shark, that is YOU. NO THANKS!

Kinda like that idiot from the 'Grizzly Man Diary'. This idiot lived in a tent in Alaska (unarmed) so he could study the grizzly bears, and share knowledge about what life is like for them. He had cute pet names for them all and arrogantly proclaimed himself as being accepted as part of their group, and even went on to claim a couple orphan cubs as his 'adopted children' Well the show is only 8 1/2 hour episodes long, because the fucking bears ate his ass up. Way to go, jerk. Your life's work was just summed up in 4 hours of television, but I can top that and sum it up with one 2 words. ARROGANT MORON. You can stream the show on Netflix, but if you do, brace yourself because you'll be hard pressed to meet a bigger idiot in your life. Except for the lady who rode a shark, the verdict on her lies in whether or not it was a voluntary ride. No offense to you personally.

And for the record, I am an animal lover, but I am an even bigger fan of being alive. So fuck sharks. And bears.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-08-10 12:38:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

there is a woman in SoCal who RODE a Great White and lived to tell about it. She was kayaking off Catalina.

I hope to have her tell me the story one day...

fine post and impressive photo

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-08-10 06:29:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Very finny.

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2012-08-09 13:39:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Shark week, shark week, shark week!

I took the whole week off. When questioned about it I said that someone died. Which isn't entirely untrue as we will see during this magical time of year.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-08-09 13:05:08 EDT (#)
Rating: -2


but seriously, did anyone die? i don't want to read this unless it's funny.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-08-09 12:31:53 EDT (#)

I will read this later. Didn't want to appear rude.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-08-09 11:25:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

We used to vacaction at the Cape back in the 60's and early 70's...Haven't been back in three and a half decades but it was a great place to vacation. Now that we basically live at the beach, it doesn't have the same allure as it did way back then.

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-08-09 08:41:38 EDT (#)


it seems you've always been an unfunny turd.

i feel like a turd for even engaging such a turd as yourself, you turd.

I will never understand what satisfaction you get out of this website, but will also never question your freedom to be a turd.

-2 away, turd nugget.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-08-08 18:46:32 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

did anyone die in this one?

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-08-08 18:41:55 EDT (#)

first big snow storm of the season
the biggest holiday in my realm

Submitted by allowbot at 2012-08-08 14:28:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking bosh below

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-08-08 14:21:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I am in the worst mood ever today and I really want to watch someone I hate die screaming.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-08-08 14:19:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

When I was 6 or 7, my cousin was given the task of looking after me while mother was in South America. Cousin was fond of the beach at La Jolla. She was a teen saddled with a babysitting job, so when we got to the beach she would tell me "See you back here at dusk, and don't you be late". I started going in the ocean before I knew about rip tides or thought much about sharks. There was no fear until the day I swam so far out that the people on the beach looked like ants. My little kicking feet hit a solid scratchy object, and it's shadow seemed as big as a Buick. Ocean swimming lost it's allure for me then and there. As an adult, I had a close call along the deep part of the shelf off Maui. Yes, FUCK sharks.

FUCK whales too.


There is a family outing planned. I love to fish, but am not wanting to get in a boat with a lot of other people and not be able to head for shore when I have had enough fun. I will stay in camp while they fish and will cook the fish for them after they come back from a long day at sea.


Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-08-08 14:18:54 EDT (#)


Submitted by SPECIALk at 2012-08-08 14:15:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Fucking foul at 2012-08-08 14:04:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I fucking love sharks. They are my favorite animals aside from puppies and kittens. There are about 13 people I can think of right off the top of my head that I would pay good money to watch get devoured by sharks. I am in the worst mood ever today and I really want to watch someone I hate die screaming.

Submitted by Yozz at 2012-08-08 13:42:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*Yozz lights a cigarette and nods in agreement*

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-08-08 13:15:07 EDT (#)

Considering that a 3,400lbs.+ great white was caught off Montauk, NY, those aren't waters I'd like to frequent, anyway. There have been big whites there for decades.

I've always wondered at the people who'd go swimming/surfing in areas with seals and sea lions. Sort of like you said: Why would anyone walk up and bitch-slap a tiger?

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-08-08 13:05:44 EDT (#)

this picture was on the cover of a lot of MA newspapers the next day, and people STILL went swimming. I'll never understand.

Additionally, I don't like flying. Not because I'm afraid of the plane crashing, exactly, but I am afraid of the plane crashing into the ocean and surviving, then being eaten by sharks.

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-08-08 13:03:54 EDT (#)

Yep - a couple weeks ago some dude from Denver got bit by a Great White somewhere in the Cape, forget where, Chatham probably, the nexus of the Cape for shark sightings/attacks

Submitted by WiKi at 2012-08-08 12:33:50 EDT (#)

I appreciate the fact that those men in the picture are scared shitless.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2012-08-08 12:30:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You've pretty much summed up my feelings about the ocean and sharks, as well. Though I'll still swim it readily.

Great post.

Didn't someone recently get bitten by a great white near Cape Cod?

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-08-08 12:26:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh, honey, I didn't get drunk, I just went to a strange fantasy world.

-- Homer Simpson
El Viaje Misterioso De Nuestro Jomer