There's Only a Few Days Each Year...Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-08-08 12:14:59 EDT
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When I was younger, I used to attack the school year with time off for holidays: "Ok so we have a full week, then next Friday off, the week after that we have a half day, then its Thanksgiving vacation!"
Now as an adult (arguably), I find myself kind of doing the same thing. It makes the work week easier when you think about plans (or lack thereof) for the weekend, or that paid day off coming up. But there are some days that just make life worth living, and it is these days I want to briefly discuss with you.
The Fourth of July is always a special time of year for me. The company I work for usually gives us 2 days off, and I schedule the remaining 3 days off along with it. That's 7 days off (counting the weekend) for the price of 3! I have a very large extended family (both my parents are one of 9 children), and this week is filled with patriotic fun at family barbeques, and in Cape Cod. It is one of my favorite times of the year, and it's always tough returning to work after a long week off.
I think we can all agree that Christmas/Festivus/Kwanza/Jew-Christmas is pretty awesome. Who doesn't like presents or feats of strength? I don't need to explain to you how awesome Christmas is, its a universally happy time of year, so if you don't like Christmas, fuck you.
Likewise, New Year's Eve is a holiday that is (or at least should be) universally celebrated. It is a time of new beginnings, making pledges to yourself that will inevitably last 2 weeks before you light up a cigarette or bury your face into a burrito. But its the thought that counts. I'm sure you meant it when you said you were going to try and be more healthy when you were hammered at 11pm last night, then passed out in a puddle of your own puke before the ball dropped at midnight.
Along with these staples of vacation and universally accepted good times come more of the subtle days I get enjoyment from: Anniversary, birthday, first day of summer, first day of hockey season, first big snow storm of the season, first fishing expedition of the year, etc.
Its a combination of these real holidays and lesser holidays that make the daily grind more bearable.
But if you've been paying attention, you will see that i've missed one of the most important days of the year. A day where humans of all ethnicities/nationalities/social classes get to share in mutual admiration on the same level as eachother: as living beings. A day where you get to appreciate the fact that you're alive. A day to be grateful that you're on top of the food chain and that humans don't live in the ocean. A Day so powerful it isn't even a day at all, but an entire week.
Fucking Shark Week.
I hope you can pick up on the fact that the first day of shark week is still 4 days away. The fact that I couldn't wait until then to post this should give you a little insight into my excitement level. Sharks are a pretty big part of my life, not in a literal way, its not like I am a marine biologist or anything, I just mean they scare the fuck out of me to the point where it has a debilitating effect on my day to day life. For Example:
Mrs. BOSHman loves going to the beach. I do not. Once I get into the ocean deep enough for the water to throw me off balance, I am no longer at the top of the food chain. That is a fucking disturbing thought. Additionally, we go to beaches in Cape Cod, the sight for at least 10 shark sightings from shore this year, and fucking one is too many. I usually bring a fishing pole and tell Mrs. BOSHman that i'll go swimming when I pull Jaws out of the ocean. No such luck, yet. I'm also as Irish as you can get (without being ginger) and the sun does terrible things to me. Unless I use baby sunscreen SPF 50, being in the sun is like a fork in a microwave: just a lot of sparks and burning.
So no, I do not enjoy the beach for extended periods of time, but if I do go, I will not go into the ocean. Have you ever seen Shark Week? THOSE THINGS WILL EAT YOUR FACE JUST FOR THE FUCK OF IT. No. Fuck you and fuck sharks.
However, when I am drinking beer on my couch after a long day of work, there is not much else i'd rather do than watch sharks eat all these stupid assholes who go surfing. What did they think would happen? "Oh look its a bunch of seals, the Great White's #1 choice of Hors d'oeuvres, maybe i'll take my surfboard 400 feet from shore so I look like one of them from beneath the ocean surface!" Idiot. I can't wait for that idiot to be eaten. I am equally terrified and fascinated with sharks. I feel safe from the sharks in my house, unless the commercials are true and they actually do try to jump out of your TV to bite you, but i'm just not buying it.
Of course, most of shark week is about how 'majestic' these creatures are, and how scientists follow their migrations and feeding patterns all over the world. But for me, Shark Week is about one thing: Validation. Sunday night I am going to watch a fuckload of sharks eat the fuck out of everything, and receive validation for my concerns with the ocean. I am entirely content being at the top of the food chain on land. Sharks can have the ocean. It all boils down to a respect thing. I wouldn't go prancing around the jungle and piss off a bunch of lions, so why would I jump in the ocean and piss off a bunch of sharks?
In any event, Shark Week rules, and to get back to the point of my post, is one of the most special days (weeks) of the year. Learn some humility and have some fucking respect, and if you ever invite me to go swimming in the ocean, I will have you charged with attempted murder.
(Photo is of a Great White sighting this summer down in Orleans, MA (Cape Cod))