Sorry, Andy, This Is The Most Wonderful Time Of The YearSubmitted by Quartermain at 2012-09-06 02:14:34 EDT
Rating: 1.18 on 23 ratings (49 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I loves me some football. I love it almost as much as I love pro wrestling. I love it like a fat kid loves cake. Like a pedophile loves Star Trek. Screw Andy Williams, this is the most wonderful time of the year. On the other hand, nothing can piss you off like something you love, for obvious reasons. The following are things that have pissed me off about football at one time or another, in no particular order.
Ricky Williams - How hard is it to not smoke pot? You don't even have to do anything for it. All you have to do is not do something. It's easy to not do things, I don't do stuff all day. Plus, at the salary he was getting, it's like getting paid millions of dollars not to do things. I don't do stuff for free, there's no telling what I’d not do for millions of dollars. Plus, every stoner for forty years has been telling the rest of us(ad infinitum, ad nauseum) that pot is non-addictive, so he doesn't even that half-assed wretched excuse.
Terrell Owens - I'd love to buy T.O for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth. Nobody would have to pay me to not smoke pot then, I'd already have a metric crap-load of money. In the 'Wasting the Talents the Good Lord Gave You Sweepstakes' T.O comes in first. It's a crying shame he can’t just keep his damn mouth shut and play the game. If there is any justice, he'll be quickly forgotten and the next time he touches a football, it'll be because he's tossing one back and forth with his co-worker at Foot Locker after the mall closes.
Red McCombs - I think Red missed his calling as a blackmailer. He had balls of solid brass though, I'll give him that. First he passed off a bunch of perennial choke artists as a football team. Then, despite being able to drop the price of a stadium and not even notice, he told the city that if they didn't build him a stadium for his Special Olympics team out of their (and by 'their' I mean 'mine') pockets, he'd move the team. The Vikings can't find the end zone, what makes him think they can find the highway out of town?
That Guy Who Was On Fox Sports With Jim Brown, Terry Bradshaw, And Howie Long; I Think His Name Is Chris Something. - You remember that game they used to play on Sesame Street called "Which One Of These Things Just Doesn't Belong Here?' That's what you've got here. This guy was the Potsie of Fox Sports. Plus that stupid grin he had made me want to shove his face into a box of tacks.
Randy Moss - I think he can be summed up in one sentence. 'I only play when I feel like playing.' Great job, Randy, way to cornhole every other guy on your team. Dick. And am I alone in thinking the afro is one of the stupidest hairstyles in history, second only to white guys with dreadlocks?
John Madden - Hey, I was as big a fan of Brett Favre as the next guy. But Madden seemed to take it to a whole ‘nother creepy level. He seemed like he was a hair away from having a shrine in his basement and dancing around it Silence of the Lambs style. “Would you pass it to me? I would. I’d pass it to me so hard…” And speaking of No. 4...
Brett Favre - Dude, I loved watching you play. You're one of the reasons I've been a Packers fan for as long as I can remember. But you made the same mistake that the X-Files made: You stayed on one season too long, and by then, it was just kind of embarrassing. When it came to retirement, you should have gone out like Shawn Michaels, and not like Ric Flair.
That One Guy At My Bar Who Wears A Team Jersey And Paints His Face To Sit On A Barstool and Watch Monday Night Football. – That’s just sad. It’s almost as sad as people who dress as wizards or Jedis to go to the movies. Oh, and buddy, just FYI, they can't hear you through the TV so you don't need to holler at the top of your lungs. I, on the other hand, am not deaf, so you don't need to yell 'CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT? at me from half an inch away (or 95.7 deciliters if you’re using metric)
Janet Jackson – It was thanks to her(well, her and Justin Timberlake) I had to listen to a deafening cacophony of back and forth bullshit for six months. The only thing worse than the 'American Family Defense Organisation' maundering on about 'the children' are the people who take the bait. Football isn’t about politics, it’s about hitting some receiver so hard he forgets his own name for a minute. Besides, what goes better with football and beer than tits? Hell, that’s Hooters entire business plan.
Bandwagon Fans – If you’ve ever been a fan of a sports team, and I mean a real fan, and not a Facebook “fan”, you know why bandwagon fans are on this list. And if you don’t, you probably are one....and wearing a Patriots jersey.
The Beer-Seller - Six bucks? For two dollars more I can go to the grocery store and get six beers. But wait, if I do, I can't bring them into the stadium. Damn. Guess I'll have to watch the game in the comfort of my living room where I can lay on the couch and flip it over to CMT or all of the other football games that are on when the commercials come on. And speaking of…
The Guy Who Pioneered The 'Clever' Commercial - Because for every Budweiser frog, there's a score of 'WASSSSSUPPP!'s and for that alone he deserves to rot in hell. Plus, it’s given rise to people only watching for the commercials. If you’re only watching the Super Bowl for the commercials, there’s a pretty good possibility you’re a chick. And if you’re a chick, why are you sitting here? That sandwich isn’t going to make itself, you know.
Rupert Murdoch - His network is partly responsible for the 'wild card', exactly how isn't important. Besides, lists that blame people for things aren't about proof, they're about scapegoats. Plus he's named 'Rupert.' Don't feel too bad for him, though, he shares the blame with...
The President of NBC – I’m sure he has an actual name, but much like a fourteen year old with an opinion, I can't be bothered to do actual research and decided to put it on the Internet anyways. He’s just as guilty as Rupert, though. 'Wild Card?' Last time I checked this wasn't the Special Olympics, you don't get prizes for trying hard, or almost making it.
Ben Rothlisberger - Because his name lends itself to 'theme food' (i.e. 'The Rothlisburger') which also irritates me. If your food is good, you don't need to give it a cutesy name or pander to celebrity to get people to eat it. That, and he’s a rapist.("Allegedly.")
People Who Take Fantasy Football Too Seriously - Remember earlier in the list where I talked about guys who paint their faces to watch televised games at a bar and how it was the jock equivalent of those sad clowns who dress up to go the movies? This is right there with that. Guys who take fantasy football too seriously are right up there with the World of Warcraft people. Dude, it's a game. It's even more of a game than regular games because it's a game about a game. Nobody cares about your pages and pages of stats. Football isn't about stats. If you want to jerk it to numbers, that's what baseball is for.