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Sorry, Andy, This Is The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-09-06 02:14:34 EDT
Rating: 1.18 on 23 ratings (49 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I loves me some football. I love it almost as much as I love pro wrestling. I love it like a fat kid loves cake. Like a pedophile loves Star Trek. Screw Andy Williams, this is the most wonderful time of the year. On the other hand, nothing can piss you off like something you love, for obvious reasons. The following are things that have pissed me off about football at one time or another, in no particular order.

Ricky Williams - How hard is it to not smoke pot? You don't even have to do anything for it. All you have to do is not do something. It's easy to not do things, I don't do stuff all day. Plus, at the salary he was getting, it's like getting paid millions of dollars not to do things. I don't do stuff for free, there's no telling what I’d not do for millions of dollars. Plus, every stoner for forty years has been telling the rest of us(ad infinitum, ad nauseum) that pot is non-addictive, so he doesn't even that half-assed wretched excuse.

Terrell Owens - I'd love to buy T.O for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth. Nobody would have to pay me to not smoke pot then, I'd already have a metric crap-load of money. In the 'Wasting the Talents the Good Lord Gave You Sweepstakes' T.O comes in first. It's a crying shame he can’t just keep his damn mouth shut and play the game. If there is any justice, he'll be quickly forgotten and the next time he touches a football, it'll be because he's tossing one back and forth with his co-worker at Foot Locker after the mall closes.

Red McCombs - I think Red missed his calling as a blackmailer. He had balls of solid brass though, I'll give him that. First he passed off a bunch of perennial choke artists as a football team. Then, despite being able to drop the price of a stadium and not even notice, he told the city that if they didn't build him a stadium for his Special Olympics team out of their (and by 'their' I mean 'mine') pockets, he'd move the team. The Vikings can't find the end zone, what makes him think they can find the highway out of town?

That Guy Who Was On Fox Sports With Jim Brown, Terry Bradshaw, And Howie Long; I Think His Name Is Chris Something. - You remember that game they used to play on Sesame Street called "Which One Of These Things Just Doesn't Belong Here?' That's what you've got here. This guy was the Potsie of Fox Sports. Plus that stupid grin he had made me want to shove his face into a box of tacks.

Randy Moss - I think he can be summed up in one sentence. 'I only play when I feel like playing.' Great job, Randy, way to cornhole every other guy on your team. Dick. And am I alone in thinking the afro is one of the stupidest hairstyles in history, second only to white guys with dreadlocks?

John Madden - Hey, I was as big a fan of Brett Favre as the next guy. But Madden seemed to take it to a whole ‘nother creepy level. He seemed like he was a hair away from having a shrine in his basement and dancing around it Silence of the Lambs style. “Would you pass it to me? I would. I’d pass it to me so hard…” And speaking of No. 4...

Brett Favre - Dude, I loved watching you play. You're one of the reasons I've been a Packers fan for as long as I can remember. But you made the same mistake that the X-Files made: You stayed on one season too long, and by then, it was just kind of embarrassing. When it came to retirement, you should have gone out like Shawn Michaels, and not like Ric Flair.

That One Guy At My Bar Who Wears A Team Jersey And Paints His Face To Sit On A Barstool and Watch Monday Night Football. – That’s just sad. It’s almost as sad as people who dress as wizards or Jedis to go to the movies. Oh, and buddy, just FYI, they can't hear you through the TV so you don't need to holler at the top of your lungs. I, on the other hand, am not deaf, so you don't need to yell 'CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT? at me from half an inch away (or 95.7 deciliters if you’re using metric)

Janet Jackson – It was thanks to her(well, her and Justin Timberlake) I had to listen to a deafening cacophony of back and forth bullshit for six months. The only thing worse than the 'American Family Defense Organisation' maundering on about 'the children' are the people who take the bait. Football isn’t about politics, it’s about hitting some receiver so hard he forgets his own name for a minute. Besides, what goes better with football and beer than tits? Hell, that’s Hooters entire business plan.

Bandwagon Fans – If you’ve ever been a fan of a sports team, and I mean a real fan, and not a Facebook “fan”, you know why bandwagon fans are on this list. And if you don’t, you probably are one....and wearing a Patriots jersey.

The Beer-Seller - Six bucks? For two dollars more I can go to the grocery store and get six beers. But wait, if I do, I can't bring them into the stadium. Damn. Guess I'll have to watch the game in the comfort of my living room where I can lay on the couch and flip it over to CMT or all of the other football games that are on when the commercials come on. And speaking of…

The Guy Who Pioneered The 'Clever' Commercial - Because for every Budweiser frog, there's a score of 'WASSSSSUPPP!'s and for that alone he deserves to rot in hell. Plus, it’s given rise to people only watching for the commercials. If you’re only watching the Super Bowl for the commercials, there’s a pretty good possibility you’re a chick. And if you’re a chick, why are you sitting here? That sandwich isn’t going to make itself, you know.

Rupert Murdoch - His network is partly responsible for the 'wild card', exactly how isn't important. Besides, lists that blame people for things aren't about proof, they're about scapegoats. Plus he's named 'Rupert.' Don't feel too bad for him, though, he shares the blame with...

The President of NBC – I’m sure he has an actual name, but much like a fourteen year old with an opinion, I can't be bothered to do actual research and decided to put it on the Internet anyways. He’s just as guilty as Rupert, though. 'Wild Card?' Last time I checked this wasn't the Special Olympics, you don't get prizes for trying hard, or almost making it.

Ben Rothlisberger - Because his name lends itself to 'theme food' (i.e. 'The Rothlisburger') which also irritates me. If your food is good, you don't need to give it a cutesy name or pander to celebrity to get people to eat it. That, and he’s a rapist.("Allegedly.")

People Who Take Fantasy Football Too Seriously - Remember earlier in the list where I talked about guys who paint their faces to watch televised games at a bar and how it was the jock equivalent of those sad clowns who dress up to go the movies? This is right there with that. Guys who take fantasy football too seriously are right up there with the World of Warcraft people. Dude, it's a game. It's even more of a game than regular games because it's a game about a game. Nobody cares about your pages and pages of stats. Football isn't about stats. If you want to jerk it to numbers, that's what baseball is for.


Review This Item




Submitted by j at 2014-12-22 17:33:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Reminds me of the good ole' days, playing grab ass in the shower and my favorite game of all.........hide the sausage.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2014-10-20 15:26:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

heh..olde sckool footballing...they guys dont even play any more

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2014-10-19 21:19:33 EDT (#)

Sorry but you can't buy and sell black people anymore. Those days are over.

Submitted by Tom Sorrell at 2012-12-08 18:50:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is great.

Submitted by pen_name at 2012-10-19 11:28:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


(I wish there was a date on B@W listings. I'm curious if it's been up for a month, and I'm the first to notice)

Submitted by DaBeast at 2012-09-10 09:16:11 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Meh. Football sux.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2012-09-09 23:59:28 EDT (#)

Yes yes it's the officials' fault you got spanked by the 49ers. I'm sure your clueless secondary had nothing to do with it.

Anyway; i lolled.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-09-09 20:03:07 EDT (#)

I'm drinking heavily at the moment because of the Packers game. At least the officiating has been upgraded to 'clumsy and at time clueless' from it's pre-season depth of 'atrocious to the point of almost making you think it's purposefully malevolent.' If the NFL is going to use replacement ref's they should cast a wider net than the local high school conference.

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-09-08 21:46:10 EDT (#)

Predictable...yes. Almost as predictable as your file name, but both are true nonetheless.

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2012-09-08 11:28:43 EDT (#)

ew football

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-09-07 19:42:18 EDT (#)

And to think we almost escaped without someone throwing that old retarded chestnut in. Internet, you are nothing if not predictable.

Submitted by Ducky at 2012-09-07 18:33:35 EDT (#)

American football...a 12-14 minute game padded with shit I don't care about.

Real football on the other hand, is magical.

To each their own.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-09-07 11:25:48 EDT (#)

Well, it did make me smile.

But not like a donut.


Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-09-07 10:15:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Blow me.

Hope that helped!

Submitted by Sage at 2012-09-07 08:56:03 EDT (#)

Someone say something to cheer me up.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-09-07 08:09:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Homophobic steroid abuser with zero friends, below.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2012-09-06 23:39:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Football is for faggots, as evidenced by this picture AND by Shlongy's categorically gay commentary below.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-09-06 23:19:10 EDT (#)

Madden may the ugliest man associated with football, but he's in no danger of dethroning Shemp Howard as the ugliest man ever.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2012-09-06 22:54:56 EDT (#)

Whatever, I stand by it.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2012-09-06 22:47:37 EDT (#)

Submitted by Jeanneee at 2012-09-06 18:30:30 CDT (#)
Rating: 1

Madden is the ugliest person who has ever lived, in my opinion. It's almost impossible to look at him. Great coach though. No argument there.

says the girl that shagged Oathmeal.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2012-09-06 22:46:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

7 years into my American adventure and I can say I genuinely love watching NFL.

I only missed a couple of seasons of the Houston Texans so am an actual old timer in those terms. Deep into the play offs this season!

Submitted by Sage at 2012-09-06 21:13:53 EDT (#)

Danger...I'm sorry to hear you're a Browns fan.


Just reminded me that I need to get on the waiting list for Redskins season tickets.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-09-06 20:49:56 EDT (#)


Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-09-06 20:38:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Continues streak of unfunny comments: Threatens Uber record held by jgreening, below.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-09-06 20:15:47 EDT (#)

jack tatum was a fag

that was great when he lateraled to franco back in '72.

i think he was trying to french kiss fuqua and just wanted to get the ball out of the way

villapiano fell down like a little bitch

good stuff

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-09-06 20:00:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Wildman at 2012-09-06 18:38:34 EDT (#)

Yeah, i'd like to see Terrell Owens and the rest of these "new" wide-outs even exist before the league was pussified.
Let's see how they run their routes in territory defended by real players like: George Atkinson, Jack Tatum and Alonzo Thomas.
All these little bitches would probably end up doing some form of the "Stingley Shuffle".

Those are "my guys". You, of course, are talking about Butch, The Assassin, and Skip. I'm seeing the Raiders in ATL on 10/14, and in Carolina on 12/23.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2012-09-06 19:30:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Madden is the ugliest person who has ever lived, in my opinion. It's almost impossible to look at him. Great coach though. No argument there.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-09-06 19:04:54 EDT (#)

Just in case anyone is interested, the Packers begin their inevitable domination of the NFL this Sunday at 4:25 ET.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2012-09-06 18:56:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

unlike ilikesteak - who has always been an insufferable twat, I fucking love football. Unfortunately, I also love the Cleveland Browns. And with 15 rookies, nearly as many second year players, a woeful preseason and what's considered the third hardest regular season schedule - oh and a misfiring first-round pick starting rookie quarterback, I have an all too familiar sinking feeling in my stomach before even the first snap is fumbled in defiant deer-in-the-headlights rookie'esque.....rookiness.

oh how I long for the days of Eric Metcalf, Webster Slaughter and Bernie Kosar, when deep into week 13 the playoffs were still a mathematical possibility.


still, hot black men in lycra, yummy.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2012-09-06 18:28:55 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

So you watch grown adults in brightly colored tights play a children's game where they're paid millions to move a ball across a field, while you pay far too much for shitty beer and overpriced tickets, then watch coverage of the game you just saw and speculation on next weeks game based on the one you just watched?

Aren't we all glad you're capable of breeding. Ass slaps and silly dances while throwing a ball to the ground for everyone.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2012-09-06 11:55:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Yes, it could well be. If the A's hang on and make the playoffs.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2012-09-06 11:09:42 EDT (#)

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-09-06 09:30:35 CDT (#)

was there just a capt. thorns comment here?
do they have an expiration date then they delete themselves?

I did post a comment, then thought better of myself and deleted it. At our age, no sense in adding to the drama of the youth here.

Submitted by drew at 2012-09-06 10:57:15 EDT (#)

Can't help it I'm from Dallas. What kinda dick rider would I be to disown them and jump on with some no talent assclown like Tebow

"wheres Eli?"

"gettin a perm"

Makes me laugh every time.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-09-06 10:55:48 EDT (#)

I once went to a Redskins game at FedEx and the beers were $8/piece. I drunkenly negotiated getting two beers for $10. Still have no clue how I pulled that one off, but I felt pretty cool.

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2012-09-06 10:49:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Boston sports attract a lot of bandwagon fans.

Last time I went to a game in Foxboro the beers were closer to $8. One time I bought (2) PBR tall boys for $25, but I forget if I was at the Garden, Gilette, or some concert Venue in Boston.. might have been the Orpheum.

The moral of this story is that i'm hungry.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-09-06 10:47:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

By the way, drew, I liked your stories, until I realized you were a Cowboys fan.

And Sexy Rexy at least got to a Super Bowl, which is a lot more than most QB's can say.

While I'm on the Sexy Rexy train, let me point out that everyone and their mom goes on and on about how awesome of a QB Peyton Manning is, and I don't disagree that he's decent or anything, but he's only won ONE Super Bowl, and it was against Rex Grossman. Think about it. Eli is way better.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-09-06 10:43:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"If you want to jerk it to numbers..."


I do that every day. :(

I decided against playing FF this year. I only play in odd-numbered years.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2012-09-06 10:41:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

thanks for saving Ubersite

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-09-06 10:30:35 EDT (#)

was there just a capt. thorns comment here?
do they have an expiration date then they delete themselves?

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-09-06 09:17:21 EDT (#)

Orphellia, yo.

Submitted by orphelia at 2012-09-06 09:12:00 EDT (#)

Fallen. Yo.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2012-09-06 08:54:00 EDT (#)

I hate football, mostly for the idiot conversations and Monday morning discussions at work about how the game went, what they needed to do better, how so and so played.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-09-06 08:43:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Football.meh Yes, yes, I know this makes me lame.

Wrestling is fun to watch and wrestlers throw the BEST parties. Each year at this time, there is a week-end party in Kentucky at a remote farm owned by wrestlers. People bring their tents and stay. There is music and food and WRESTLING. Good times.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-09-06 06:05:18 EDT (#)

Mark Sanchez was exactly who I was thinking about, him and Rex.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2012-09-06 03:26:36 EDT (#)

drew wants him some glory hole

Submitted by drew at 2012-09-06 03:20:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I live in a subdivision of Irving TX known as Valley Ranch about a half mile from the Cowboys training facility. I'd stalk Demarcus if it wasn't so gay and illegal

Submitted by drew at 2012-09-06 03:17:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You must be referring to candy assess like Mark Sanchez. Mr. Ware, yes Mr. Ware, is what I love about football. What I hate is the replacement refs they recruited from Divison AA high school football.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-09-06 03:12:22 EDT (#)

I didn't forget him, he's just never pissed me off. Although even if he did, I probably wouldn't say shit about it, he's a baaaad man on that field. Plus, some QB's deserve to have nightmares.

Submitted by drew at 2012-09-06 02:45:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You forgot Demarcus Ware. I'd vote him for president in 2012. He gives quarterbacks nightmares.

Coyote: Fear not, Homer. I am your spirit guide.

Homer: Hiya.

Coyote: There is a lesson you must learn.

Homer: If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead
of ya.

El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer