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It was a day.

Submitted by pen_name at 2012-10-21 03:30:17 EDT
Rating: 1.5 on 8 ratings (9 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

It was a Tuesday. Or a Wednesday. One of those days with "es" in the middle. It was chilly for mid-summer, the flowers covered in frost like a birthday cake covered with frosting. Not fondant, mind. That's a different kind of confection, and it is hardly comparable to ice crystals.

Jack Swagger was back from his nightly trip to Korea town, where he would work as a missionary, converting the Korean hookers to Christianity and then, giving it to them in the missionary position, because sex is a personal thing and doggie is just an excuse to be standoffish. He smelled of hooker perfume and cum, though the latter could have been more hooker perfume.

"Cock-hungry bitch couldn't get enough," Jack said, dictating his diary to his intern, a 19-year-old Brigham Young student named Marybeth. She was there to learn about being a missionary.

"'Yum, yum, yum, give me that cum.' That's what she said. God, reminded me of my sister Josephine."

Marybeth stopped writting. "You have a sister?"

"No."

"I don't..."

"I'm saying, if I had one, she would be a Korean whore. That's my point."

"I'm offended by everything you have said this morning."

"Everything? How about my actions?"

Marybeth paused. She put a finger to her cheek and looked up, trying to remember. "I don't recall you doing anything particularly objec...OOMPH"

Marybeth turned in time to catch a rubber vagina being thrown at her face. It impacted, reverberated in mid air, and then fell on her lap.

Jack shouted. "VAGINA FIGHT!"

Marybeth rubbed her nose. Then she threw her pen at him.

"You are very bad at vagina fighting..."

Marybeth stood and the vagina fell to the floor. Jack looked at it longingly.

"I think I am going to quit."

"I think I am going to have to get a new rubber vagina. That one is dusty."

"I..."

"I BET YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT!!!"

Marybeth pursed her lips.

"I'm saying you're frigid."

Marybeth pursed her other lips.

Jack held his hands up. "Look, Doll. I meant no offense. If you want to go, you can go. Good old Jack Swagger knows when he's rubbed someone the wrong way." Jack smiled and winked.

Marybeth sighed. "Mormon Weekly says you are the best Mormon around. I will stay, if just to find out what that is based on."

"Excellent."

Marybeth sat back down.

"Let's have conjugal visit sex."

"What!?"

"It's like regular sex, except someone in a guard's uniform watches us through a little window.

"I don't think that's how conjugal sex works."

"It's how me and Jorge, my guard friend, have been doing it for years. I think we should know how it works by now."

"That's ridiculous."

"OK, fine. Go ahead and spit on the traditions of my ancestors."

Marybeth did a cartwheel in one direction and then did a cartwheel in the other direction, just to break up the flow of the dialogue and give the reader time to absorb what has been written so far.

"That's hot. Have you ever jumped and done a chest bump naked?"

Marybeth stopped cartwheeling. "No."

"It's never as sexy as it sounds."




The End



P.S. Jack doesn't get the clap. The clap gets Jack.




Swagger is really Launchpad McQuack mind blown.jpg
Swagger is really Launchpad McQuack mind blown.jpg


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Submitted by pen_name at 2012-12-26 02:06:56 EST (#)

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2012-11-28 05:20:18 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Metallica rule (sic)
--------------------------------

I remember that post.

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2012-11-28 05:20:18 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Metallica rule

Submitted by EyeInTheSky at 2012-11-21 11:36:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2012-10-29 07:02:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Quartermain at 2012-10-26 01:13:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Funny.

Submitted by Sage at 2012-10-25 00:19:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Points because I am also frigid.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2012-10-22 14:39:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I approve

Submitted by RoadSong at 2012-10-21 18:14:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I'm saying you're frigid."

Marybeth pursed her other lips.
-----
This is brilliant. You're like William Fuckin' Shakeweight up in here.
~~~~~
Agreed

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2012-10-21 14:35:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I'm saying you're frigid."

Marybeth pursed her other lips.
-----
This is brilliant. You're like William Fuckin' Shakeweight up in here.


Homer: Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

Bart: Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

Homer: Why you little -- !

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