Disappoint me.Submitted by Sage at 2013-01-03 19:08:07 EST
Rating: 0.64 on 19 ratings (48 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
From the moment I laid eyes on you, you've been nothing but a disappointment.
My best friend, roommates, and mom all wondered then, and still wonder now, what it was about you that kept me around. They wonder now what it is about you that keeps me coming back. The answer? You affect me.
Very few men have had the effect on me that you once did. Back when, I wanted to believe that there was good in you, despite seemingly everyone around me - including yourself and your own close friends - telling me that you were an asshole through and through.
But I saw glimpses of good in you. I wanted so badly to believe that you were a good person somewhere in the deep recesses of your soul...wanted to believe that you HAD a soul. I think you suspected my motives and delighted in proving me wrong; in disappointing me. I'll never know, obviously, but part of me believes that you didn't want to be held to that standard of goodness that I had built up for you in my mind.
Maybe you just didn't want to be pegged as a "nice guy". Nice guys finish last, they say. I never really liked nice guys; still don't. I just wanted you to be a good one. And until your acidic attempts to prove me wrong wore the shine off my faith in you, I thought you were a good guy. Alas, after all of my searching in your soul proved fruitless, I became acutely aware that there was no goodness to be found in you.
Now that I know - and believe - the truth, I'm never proven wrong. I'm not disappointed at all. Just as the good guy can occasionally fuck up and be an asshole, so can the asshole occasionally fuck up, and display an act of goodness. I guess that's all I saw, when I saw those glimpses.
I have always wanted someone in my life that made me want to be a better person, but with you, I've always become a worse one when in your company. It used to be in the form of the spineless doormat, but now I'm assuming a different role, justifying acts I once abhorred.
I'm terrified of the karmic consequences, particularly because a) I never get away with anything and b) I have little remorse for what I'm doing, which means I have no real plan of stopping. That fact alone is scary and foreign to me. It's made me a gentler, less judgmental person in some ways, but mostly, I don't recognize myself. (I didn't recognize the doormat, either.) But I do recognize you: you're the same asshole you've always proved to be.
You used to get such a kick out of disappointing me; pity you stopped. Part of me wishes you'd disappoint me again.