login / register
... <g t be a real human and admit thst violence is just a lack of civility by idiots.
Welcome to Ubersite!

On Religion and Football

Submitted by Tom Sorrell at 2013-05-26 06:11:45 EDT
Rating: 1.77 on 11 ratings (24 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

An old, fleshy-nosed man sits in a folding chair on the shoddily-made deck of a little house in Alabama. He is sun-weathered. He is loud and large. He is ignorant about everything but Alabama football and his beloved S.E.C. His only son, a hipster-looking kid of about 23, sits next to him with a bottle of Sam Adams. The old man looks over at the bottle and rolls his eyes, slightly. The son sighs, annoyed, wishing he wasn’t there.

“So,” the old man says.

“So,” his son replies.

A gentle breeze blows through, reminding them how loud silence can be. They turn and glance at each other, as if one wrong word will bring them to fisticuffs, and turn back towards the view of their neighbor’s shed and backyard.

“That grass is too long and should be mowed,” the father’s face says.

“Why don’t you leave people alone and lighten up?” his son’s eyes suggest.

The dad turns to his son and speaks like he used to when he’d bully all the annoying little nerds back in his glory days … back when he was awesome. And hard, like a rock - arrow straight and more than a touch influenced by Bob Seger and old Chevrolet ads. He looks over at his truck, a gold Silverado, and smiles. He looks back at his son and the smile fades. “Your mother tells me you’re studying Hindu.”

The son nods and takes a sip from his beer. The father nods and knocks back a nip of Scotch. He draws his lips back in a sneer, part Scotch, part animosity. “And what’s wrong with being Catholic?”

“Nothing,” the son says, turning the bottle up and finishing the last of it. He pulls another from the cooler between them and opens it with a green lighter, which he uses to light a cigarette. He takes a long drag, then exhales into the cool September air. “It’s not like I’m converting or anything. I’m just studying. I like to learn about things that happened before I existed.”

"What a waste of time," his father scoffs. He thinks for a moment. "Isn't Hindu the religion where all their gods look like elephants?"

His son sighs. "In Hindu culture the deity Ganesha is revered for removing obstacles and yes, he has the head of an elephant. Think of him as a lineman in football who blocks for the one carrying the ball."

"How fucking stupid," the father replies with a snort.

The son inhales, slowly, then exhales calmly. He notices the logo for the University of Alabama on his father’s crimson sweatshirt. He nods and smiles. "You’re an Alabama fan."

No, I'm the biggest Alabama fan.

Ok, fine. What’s their mascot, Dad?

The Crimson Tide.

No, the mascot - that thing on your shirt.

Oh, that. That’s an elephant.

Right. Why it is acceptable for Alabama fans to like celebrate elephants, but not Hindus?

It’s not the same. I don’t pray to my elephant.

Oh no? How many times have I seen you pray for Alabama to win, or make a field goal, or block a punt, or land a prized recruit, as if that matters?

It does matter. The new kids carry on the tradition! You have to make sure they’re good kids. Besides, what you’re talking about is not the same. I pray for Alabama to win. I don’t worship the elephant.

No, you worship Alabama football, which can be, but is not always represented by a goddamn elephant.

I do not worship Alabama football. I worship The Lord. I worship your mother.

“You worship Saban, Dad."

"Coach Saban," his father corrects him, before giving him a look that says, "Watch it."

The son rolls his eyes. “Whatever. You live and breathe Alabama football. It’s all you ever talk about. You go to every game you can, and the ones you can’t go to you watch on TV. If you can’t watch them live, you record them. Hell, you record them even when you can watch them live!”

“I do not worship Alabama football!” the dad says again, a bit too loudly, while glaring at his son from beneath a white hat with a crimson A on the front. He stands with an sigh, walks inside and slams around for a few moments. His son looks around and sees a father in a yard behind them teaching his son how to throw a football. The man seems infinitely patient.

On the deck, the son exhales, angrily, and drops the smoking butt of his Camel into a Folgers can. His father walks back out with a full glass of scotch and a can of Coors. He plops into his chair with a sigh and holds the Scotch in his lap. He drinks the beer. The son looks over, “Hey dad, who was 'Bama’s starting free safety in 2003?

Without hesitation his father answers, “Roman Harper.”

The son nods. “Who was their kicker in 1992 when they beat Miami?”

The father pauses for about one second, then replies, “Michael Proctor. He was a freshman.”

What was the final score of that game?

“The Tide wiped out the Hurricanes 34-13 to win the national title.” The father smiles, “Did you know 'Bama played a few games at Legion field in Birmingham that year?"

“I did not, Dad,” the son replies, bored. “But I do have one last question. Where is Glenn Coffee from?”

The old man thinks for a long moment, then slaps his knee. “Valparaiso, Florida. And his name is Glen, with one n.”

The son nods and smiles. “Thanks, pop.”

“For what?”

For proving my point. Glen Coffee doesn't matter. He's some dude who played football moderately well at a school you like. Big deal. 99% of the people in this world don’t know who the hell Glenn Coffee is, but you know his hometown. Why is that?”

The father frowns. “Because I’m an Alabama fan. A die hard. It’s called loyalty.”

“It’s called your religion,” the son replies. “And let me tell you something Dad, no one gives you any shit for it, no matter how obnoxious you are about it. So before you judge the Hindu people who worship Gods that look like elephants, just remember you do the same thing every Saturday. The difference is you yell and scream and they sit, calmly.”

The father scoffs and takes a large drink of Scotch. He chases it with the Coors. He wants his son to go away, but his son isn’t finished. “There’s just one thing I don’t understand…”

The father turns and looks at his son.

“Why do you care so much?”

The father frowns. So does the son, as he begins…

“Why do you care so much that you genuinely dislike people who cheer for Florida or L.S.U., or the Auburn Tigers, heaven forbid?"

The father sneers and spits on the deck. The son laughs. "Seriously, Dad. Why do you have so much pride in a team that doesn’t care about you? You didn't even go to Alabama. And why do you look down on teams whose fans don’t scream ‘Roll Tide’ and ‘Roll Tide Roll’ every five seconds? Why do you do it?

“Because Roll Tide!”

But…

“No, son. Roll Tide roll.”

The father takes a drink of his Scotch. The son lights another cigarette. The mother sticks her head out the door. “How’s everything going?”

“Fine,” the two men reply in unison.

"Roll Tide!" she chirps, before ducking back inside.

The father grins and takes another drink of his Scotch. He looks over as his son exhales smoke and nods, ruefully.

"Roll Tide roll."



YouThinkHisDadisBadButThisisHisMom.jpg
YouThinkHisDadisBadButThisisHisMom.jpg


Review This Item

Rating:

Comment:




Reviews


Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2013-05-30 23:49:22 EDT (#)

Sage, I have corporate connections here in the 'burg. All I need is to know what game you want to go to and I can usually get tix. They're stodgy seats, with the alumni, but always less than 20 rows up and always between the 40s. Oh, and free parking less than half-mile away (I have an apartment complex on Main Street).

Funny story: I went to the Bowling Green game last year and was a little late getting to the stadium. "Enter Sandman" started playing, the crowd started jumping and my friend and I watched the 18" thick I-beams supporting the north endzone stands flexing about six inches each way... all of them... on the strong side. It was surreal. The people in Hokietown are insane.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2013-05-30 23:30:41 EDT (#)

Fair enough, Tom. It's true that you can hear the pages of the local newspaper turning at Michigan games more than anything resembling cheering. 'Twas a bad example.

Submitted by Sage at 2013-05-30 08:18:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Um, Silvr, we should totes meet up at a Hokie game sometime, real talk.

LET'S GOOOOOOO...

HOKIEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Start jumping.

Submitted by Tom Sorrell at 2013-05-30 01:40:37 EDT (#)

"There is nothing, NOTHING quite as infectious as the energy at a Hokie home game. When 66,233 [mostly drunk] people can make as much noise as ... Michigan (107,501)."

That's saying nothing. A tennis match at VT is probably louder than a Michigan football game. Their stadium doesn't hold in noise and the fans tend to be stodgy, white, old pricks who bitch at people who want to stand up and enjoy the atmosphere anyway. It's a good place to study. Or die.

Submitted by DaBeast at 2013-05-29 17:57:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2013-05-29 14:58:09 EDT (#)

There is nothing, NOTHING quite as infectious as the energy at a Hokie home game. When 66,233 [mostly drunk] people can make as much noise as LSU (92,542) or Michigan (107,501), you know that you're in for a treat. I've taken die-hard Hokie Haters to home games and watched them transform into fans before halftime.

The t-shirts are right: Blacksburg is a drinking town with a football problem.

Submitted by Sage at 2013-05-29 08:32:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2013-05-26 11:14:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good stuff.
And fuck the SEC.

**********

H-O-K-I-E-S HOKIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

And PS...who gives a fuck about some dumb ass rammer jammer. We play Metallica at the beginning of our games.

BOOM.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-05-28 12:54:22 EDT (#)

Very droll.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2013-05-28 12:49:25 EDT (#)

lol but limpet, how do you rammer with such a tiny jammer?

Submitted by McBain at 2013-05-28 12:27:54 EDT (#)

Football is the opiate of the illiterate masses.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2013-05-28 11:41:51 EDT (#)

lol limpet loves the "hot chocolate" at halftime, too!








he likes the boys to rub their "marshmallows" across his face

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-05-28 11:28:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Fat, loud rednecks spitting Skoal juice and screaming "ROLL MOTHER FUCKING TIDE, BITCH" in between Jager shots.

I don't miss SEC events at. All.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-05-28 07:24:23 EDT (#)

You realise you spell like Slade? How embarrassing for you.

Submitted by Redskieslovescock at 2013-05-28 09:38:01 BST (#)
Rating: 2

limpet sings the nambla fight song at football games
it goes like this:

hey little boyz!
we're gonna suck the jizz-out-of-you!
ramya wreckya
suck yer pecker
gimme sum cum!

then he does a little bunghole dance and goes down on the nearest chav

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2013-05-28 04:38:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

limpet sings the nambla fight song at football games
it goes like this:

hey little boyz!
we're gonna suck the jizz-out-of-you!
ramya wreckya
suck yer pecker
gimme sum cum!

then he does a little bunghole dance and goes down on the nearest chav

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-05-28 03:53:55 EDT (#)

Is that what they sing at yank 'sporting' events?

Submitted by Wisher at 2013-05-28 03:21:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Redskies, I think you meant YMCA ~~~~ The Village People?

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-05-28 02:57:32 EDT (#)

Well yes Wisher, but it's no YNWA is it?

Submitted by Wisher at 2013-05-28 02:01:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

OMG, this was good writing {in a way north of my place in Alabama way} but, you didn't mention the best part of any real Bama football fan's repertoire of cheese: our Rammer Jammer!

{This is sung at the end of games that we win, which, well, is usually all of em.}
Here's the words if you can hear em in link below, basically: Let's say... we're playing LSU:

BEFORFE THE GAME: Whole crowd chanting!!!!! "Hey Tigers, Hey Tigers, we're going to beat the hell out of you! Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer give em' hell Alabama!

AFTER THE GAME: The whole crowd & Tuscaloosa/state chanting!!!! "Heyyy Tigers, Heyyyyyyy Tigers, we just beat the helllllll out of you! Rammer Jammer Yellow hammer give em' hell Alabama! ~~~~~~{I'm adding this pre~song band music: duuuuh,dunttt...... da dunt da dunt da duuuuunt da ............ duuuuuuuuuu dunt, Hey, Tigers...............

Feel it? You gotta be there for full effect. ~Also, the pic of the girl is not representative of most Bama gril fans. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I mean, they may sit up in the cheap seats, but most do not look like this. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~If the URL didn't play, I'll post again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Nice work, character study of old Bama bastards & whatnot.......

PS: Why "yellow hammer?" ~ it's our state bird, altho I think it should be the pelican. But that's just me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhRHxIumUig ~~~~~~~~~~~~~love

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-05-26 19:52:49 EDT (#)

Even in his comments, Perkman is a special kind of illiterate.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2013-05-26 18:37:09 EDT (#)

A friend of mine I played football with that was my backup told me he was going to Alabama to play football. I didn't quite believe him (he wasn't being recruited) but low and behold he went there, walked on the team, played a bit, and he is part of the 'Roll Tide' and has a championship ring from the 2nd year Saban was there. We used to tease him. But, now I regret that.

He was smart. He was part of something that people revered and would always revere, he'd get free drink at bars for the rest of his life, and girls and old men that would always think he was g 'good guy' or something, plus he loved showing off his ring. When I saw him and realized I went to a different school (Academic) to play a sport that the people didn't give a flying crap about us or we didn't have any connections I realized I fucked up.

In America everyone needs something to get them through the day. That's why I don't look down on those that collect cups, or hats, or beanie babies, or old books, or worship Roll Tide.

In fact, I'm jealous...

I don't have anything that genuinely makes me happy, and relate to people I don't know in a uniformed rage at something, or unison happiness.

My coach once told me...

"Perkman, everyone needs something to get them through the day"

When he was speaking about an old coach we had that was awesome, he was coach Briggs and played football back in the 1960's, and his wife had died, and the coaches let him run the special teams and PAT. Besides the fact that he new everything about football, and he was one of the best coaches I ever had, this is what kept him alive.

Everyone needs something...

fuck the SEC, PAC-12 for ever!

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2013-05-26 11:14:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good stuff.
And fuck the SEC.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2013-05-26 08:35:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bama fans are the second most obnoxious fans in the SEC. LSU has the worst.

College football is like religion esp in the south. People take it way too serious.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-05-26 08:14:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Isn’t Hindu the religion where they worship gods who look like elephants?

Yes, the Hindu deity –

How fucking stupid, the father replies with a snort.

The son inhales, slowly, then exhales calmly. He notices the logo for the University of Alabama on his father’s crimson sweatshirt. An elephant running through an A, with the words “ROLL TIDE” above it. He nods and looks up at his father.

You’re an Alabama fan, right?

Of course.

What’s their mascot?

The Crimson Tide.

No, the mascot. The thing on your shirt.

Oh, that. That’s an elephant.

So why it is acceptable for Alabama fans to revere an elephant, but not Hindus?

It’s not the same. I don’t pray to my elephant.

Oh no? How many times have I seen you pray for Alabama to win, or make a field goal, or block a punt, or land a prized recruit, as if that matters?

It does matter. The new kids carry on the tradition! You have to make sure they’re good kids. Besides, what you’re talking about is not the same. I pray for Alabama to win. I don’t worship the elephant.

No, you worship Alabama football, which can be, but is not always represented by a goddamn elephant.”

“I do not worship football. I worship The Lord. I worship your mother.”







Bart: You know, Grampa kinda smells like that trunk in the garage
where the bottom's all wet.

Lisa: Nuh-uh, he smells more like a photo lab.

Homer: Stop it, both of you! Grampa smells like a regular old man,
which is more like a hallway in a hospital.

Old Money

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-05-26 06:51:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah, fuck Man Utd


Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

-- Homer Simpson
The Front