login / register
She only wants me for my ponies...
Welcome to Ubersite!

Blah blah blah...

Submitted by Tom Sorrell at 2013-06-06 04:41:59 EDT
Rating: 2.0 on 1 rating (6 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

“Blah blah blah, she was saying. “Blah blah blah blah blah.”

Gary sighed. He had stopped listening to Anjelica and was staring at the couple in the booth across from them. They were eating in silence - painful, excruciating silence. Gary envied them. He wondered what it would be like not to have to listen to Anjelica carry on, constantly, as if filling up the silence would mask their awful relationship. At least the other couple was confident in their hatred. They were real. Anjelica, on the other hand, was still going on about … something. Anything to avoid conversations that could inevitably lead to a fight, which was every conversation that wasn’t about topical, unimportant bullshit.

“Blah blah yadda yadda," she said. “Yadda yadda Seinfeld. Yadda yadda The 90s. Yadda yadda Bob Loblaw's law blog.”

Gary sighed again and poked at a piece of sautéed asparagus with his salad fork as Anjelica frowned at his faux pas. “This chick fills more space than a heavy metal drummer with a double kick pedal," he thought to himself. "She’s doing it right now, while I’m sitting here thinking about Avenged Sevenfold and how their name is taken from a bible verse and how people always say they’re ‘the new Guns and Roses’ instead of just 'the current Avenged Sevenfold.' She and I could be taking about an interesting topic like that, but no. Of course not. Instead I have to sit here and listen to her drone on about whatever she’s blathering about. Arrested Development or Iron Man 3 or whatever. Who the hell knows? She says nothing worth hearing. Nothing. Not a...”

“Are you listening to me?” Anjelica asked, snapping Gary from his reverie.

Gary tilted his head and furrowed his brow, as if to imply the mere suggestion of him not paying attention was absurd. He took a drink of his wine, Pinot-something-or-other, then glanced over at the other couple again. They were staring at their plates and chewing, softly. Quickly. They said nothing. Gary nearly climaxed at the very idea. He closed his eyes, tightly, then interrupted Anjelica's thoughts on something he didn't care about.

“Can we just shut the fuck up for five minutes and eat?” he asked, a bit too sharply. Anjelica frowned and nodded, then took a huge drink of wine while glaring at Gary from behind a cup he would call half-empty. She would call it half-full, then she’d explain why she did that for 180 consecutive seconds without taking a single breath.

“I’m sorry,” Gary said, before she looked away. “I’ve had a rough time at the office lately. I work with children.”

“You work for the government,” Anjelica spit back, with more venom than necessary. “The social security office. You have it made. At least you don’t work in a blah blah blah. And blah blah blah, Gary. Blah blah BLAH! … Gary! … Blah blah blah!!”

“Mmm hmm,” Gary mumbled, as he stared at his butter knife on the table and wondered how long it would take to file down into a shiv. “I could slice my throat in front of her," he thought, with a wry grin. “That might shut her up for a few seconds. She’d at least take a breath and I could...”

“What are you grinning at?” Anjelica asked.

The smile vanished from Gary's face, then reappeared, slowly. “You, my dear,” he said softly, as his fingers inched towards the knife. "I'm always thinking about you."

Anjelica smiled. "I have to tell you about what happened on ... Gary? OMIGOD! SOMEONE-CALL-911! I-can't-believe-you-did-that-GaryWhywouldyoudothatohmyGodwhatishappeningblahblahblahblah...."

Gary smiled one last time as he lay dying, then closed his eyes and hear nothing but sweet silence.




Review This Item

Rating:

Comment:




Reviews


Submitted by JonnyX at 2013-06-07 15:19:08 EDT (#)

shoulda stabbed her instead

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2013-06-06 18:33:02 EDT (#)

lol so sweet of limpet to come to the aid of his skrappy-poo


help me roll him back into the water


high tide's at midnight


WE CAN SAVE HIM LIMPET

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-06 16:41:35 EDT (#)

Thicko, you're not funny, clever or original. You're an embarrassment.

Is that your singledom talking?

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2013-06-06 12:31:41 EDT (#)

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2013-06-06 10:44:32 EDT (#)

It's pretty weak to off yourself for almost any reason



says the guy who threatens to kill himself whenever the buffet line runs out of soft serve


which is every time he shows up

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2013-06-06 10:44:32 EDT (#)

It's pretty weak to off yourself for almost any reason, but doing so because you don't like someone else or to 'teach them a lesson' is particularly stupid.

Submitted by VelvetElvis at 2013-06-06 05:04:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

He wondered what it would be like not to have to listen to Anjelica carry on, constantly....
///
Ahh, most every married man's dream-- or so I hear. Never tried it myself, but came within 2 weeks of it. When I actually saw her opening the box of freshly printed invitations, that was it.

If those went out, I'd be doomed. Called it off. Smartest thing I ever did. Loved her, but not enough for that. Being single rules, -and if you're thinking of getting married, don't. Live together, same thing, cept she can't take all your stuff. (check the laws if you live in the US)


Marge: It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier.

Homer: That reminds me -- Troy said something interesting last night
at the bar. Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the
marriage is just a sham to help his career.

A Fish Called Selma