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So how about it, Maxine Absorbentpants? Put the fuck up or shut the fuck up.
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Questioning your sexuality? Take this test!!

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 09:04:36 EDT
Rating: 0.66 on 11 ratings (79 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Good morning Uber, and welcome to my post!

Are you homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual?

Are you sure about that?

If not, take the Kinsey Scale Test, and find out today! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale

After taking said test, you will know, without a doubt, where you fall on the 0 - 6 scale of hetero vs homo sexuality, where 0 is exclusively heterosexual, and 6 is exclusively homosexual. Don't worry asexuals - you'll get an X rating.

0 and 6 are relatively rare ratings to get, because in the vast majority of cases, heterosexual people are, at times, incidentally homosexual and vice versa.

But not me, Uber! Not fucking me. I scored a solid 0, which confirms my suspicion that I do indeed exclusively enjoy the D and have zero interest in the V (or at least others' V's...I am extremely interested in my own V).

You *know* you want to know where you fall on the homo vs hetero scale, so click here today and share your results! http://vistriai.com/kinseyscaletest/

**********


tastetherainbowmotherfuckers.jpg
tastetherainbowmotherfuckers.jpg


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Submitted by Oathmeal's Mom at 2013-07-11 17:29:06 EDT (#)

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-14 16:28:24 EDT (#)


Sorry Shlongy but you're not cool enough to address me with 'Oathy'.

We're not like that and you're a moron.

Sage on the other hand can call me whatever she wants.

====

Don't speak to your father that way!

Submitted by apollo88 at 2013-07-10 23:16:06 EDT (#)

I'm a 1.

No homo.

Well okay, a liiiiiitle homo.


Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2013-06-22 01:16:26 EDT (#)

I got a B+, which isn't bad considering I didn't study.

Submitted by Ducky at 2013-06-15 21:01:40 EDT (#)

*more than incidentally homo.

Submitted by Ducky at 2013-06-15 18:57:58 EDT (#)

An F.

This test is more than an incidental homo.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2013-06-15 18:33:41 EDT (#)

Scored a 0. The whole test concept does seem highly suspect though. It just seems odd that the test gives the result as a probable response based on an assigned orientation.

It doesn't address anything else around the concept of sexual orientation, physical attraction within the part of the scale that you fit into, scale crossover (a 1 interacting sexually with a 6) , scale shift (a 0 for most of a person's life but either gradually or suddenly being a 6), or scale denial (a 6 living exclusively as a 0), frequency of action, gender identity as a neutral or blended potential, or the nature of sex and social relations.

What is most suspicious here is that there isn't any method of applying the information provided by the test. It's not as though someone who is exclusively heterosexual but highly computer illiterate would take the test and answer in a hilariously contrary manner from their actual preferences, and just start wildly scissoring any woman who happens to be in the same number category, or a sudden need to have your anal cavity opened for the immediate insertion of anything mildly phallic.

I think this whole thing is a clever scam invented by Kinsey because he wanted to fuck students, take part in mystery fetishes, and needed to keep a diary to justify it to the college. "Thursday: Watched a cheerleader engage in oral and vaginal sex with a German Shepard, then select members of the chess club, then finally ejaculated into her vagina myself. She was lively and unreserved, so we will continue the observation of her public interactions at various adult bookstores and secluded parking lots."

Submitted by Shlongy at 2013-06-14 22:10:02 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

OK; I apologize pansyass.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-06-14 18:03:15 EDT (#)

They call it that Good Old Mountain Dew - and them that refuse it are few

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-14 16:28:24 EDT (#)

Sorry Shlongy but you're not cool enough to address me with 'Oathy'.

We're not like that and you're a moron.

Sage on the other hand can call me whatever she wants.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2013-06-14 14:34:29 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Really oathy? Ooooohhhhh ...BURN.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2013-06-14 14:16:38 EDT (#)

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-06-14 12:13:49 EDT (#)

Mountain Dew gives you a buzz?
-----
Yes it does. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ug8p5pVsj9U

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-06-14 12:13:49 EDT (#)

Mountain Dew gives you a buzz? Holy crap, that would be great!

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-14 09:23:51 EDT (#)

Shut the fuck up, below.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2013-06-13 22:06:22 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

At this random hour, I want to thank sage for her soda update...Thank fucking God I know that now.

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2013-06-13 18:16:07 EDT (#)

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-13 10:28:31 EDT (#)

First of all, what the fuck is a limpet?



https://www.ubersite.com/m/128776

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-13 16:39:08 EDT (#)

I had a Mountain Dew today for the first time in like, 5 years and I'm uncomfortably over-caffienated. :(

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-13 16:36:38 EDT (#)

That prob falls under the X (asexual) and/or F (unusual person) category, Bob.

Silvr, I'm so glad you're entirely hetero. OMG, is your BFF Lance as in Lance Bass from NSync?? Holy motherfucking shit, dude!! You totes need to introduce us, like, STAT.

Leather Lounge sounds like an awesome club, I totes would go with if it wasn't for this real neato club here in RVA called Babes that I have been frequenting lately. Lots of women there and they're all really, really friendly and buy me drinks and stand really close when it gets loud and everything!

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2013-06-13 12:20:44 EDT (#)

Do farm animals count?

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-13 10:52:42 EDT (#)

Just spilled my protein shake all over my desk.

Fuck.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2013-06-13 10:45:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'm so glad that there is a test out there to help me determine which gender, if any, I'm attracted to. This has been an ongoing dilemma for me. I mean, I like pussy - REALLY like it, but I just wasn't sure if I didn't have a deep down desire for the dick. It's haunted me for years. I thought I'd never know for sure. And now, this test has confirmed what I really knew all along - I am 100% heterosexual.

Thank you, Kinsey, thank you, Internet and thank you, Sage.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go whip up a Mojito and find something fierce to wear to the club tonight. My BFF, Lance, invited me to go to this new place called the Leather Lounge.

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-13 10:28:31 EDT (#)

First of all, what the fuck is a limpet? And quit arguing on my post, both of y'all Redskies people.

There is no "second of all".

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-13 02:20:20 EDT (#)

I know it's a truism, but Thicko really is thick.

I love his persistence though. The kind of persistence that doesn't leave room for other things like hygiene, relationships or education.

I bet he's great at Counterstrike and World of Warcraft though. Put that on your cv Thicko, I'm sure it'll improve your chances of landing a job where you don't have to wear a uniform and greet customers with the phrase "hello I'm Thicko and I'll be your gimp today!"

Submitted by orphelia at 2013-06-13 00:20:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2013-06-12 17:23:32 EDT (#)

I scored a unicorn gif

----

Awesome

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-06-12 23:41:12 EDT (#)

Oh come now Oathmeal, I was jesting too!

How could I avoid that joke?


Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 21:44:48 EDT (#)

Oh come now RoadSong, I was jesting!

You have a SQUID in your pants. How could I avoid that joke?

Submitted by grÜeMaster emeritus and uberlord supreme at 2013-06-12 18:32:34 EDT (#)

limpet scored 87



guys in a single night




he loves the glory holes

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-06-12 18:22:12 EDT (#)

Dik actually does smell like sock, below.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 18:15:36 EDT (#)

Crotch actually does smell like fish, below.

And Shlongy, aren't you late for Bingo at the rec center or something?

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-06-12 18:13:53 EDT (#)

Perhaps I should not have admitted that there is a squid in my pants, that might have rated me the "F" on the test.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2013-06-12 18:03:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh, I already know I'm straight.. we'll besides the getting head part.... uh what?

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2013-06-12 17:23:32 EDT (#)

I scored a unicorn gif

Submitted by Shlongy at 2013-06-12 17:23:12 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

PS. Of course oathmeal took this quiz. He needed confirmation that he is, indeed, a homo.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2013-06-12 17:22:04 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

This is one stupid fucking post.

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 17:02:47 EDT (#)

Submitted by McBain at 2013-06-12 16:21:33 EDT (#)

Submitted by Redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 11:38:06 EDT (#)

Oathy, Sage. Please pair up. And never ever ever ever ever post pictures of anything.
---------------------

A little late for that, no? Thought everyone knew Electro is the lovechild of these two.


**********

No, that was Orphelia and FJ.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2013-06-12 16:38:43 EDT (#)

My comment was directed at you, Sage. Your 0 brings the average down to 5.99 - meaning everyone else on uber scores a 6 because they are gaylords. Guess I need to work on my joke explanations...

Submitted by McBain at 2013-06-12 16:21:33 EDT (#)

Submitted by Redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 11:38:06 EDT (#)

Oathy, Sage. Please pair up. And never ever ever ever ever post pictures of anything.
---------------------

A little late for that, no? Thought everyone knew Electro is the lovechild of these two.

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 15:46:37 EDT (#)

LOL @ below. I refuse to explain myself. Y'all people can read into that as much as you want. Maybe it'll become a new Uber meme! SND, Lord knows this website needs a fucking revival.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 15:33:33 EDT (#)

"I am 100% positive I need a penis in order to enjoy."

o.o

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 15:27:06 EDT (#)

Hahahaha at everything below.

Roadie, too funny...now I want to know how you answered each question to score the F...

Jeanneee, I'm sure that comment was directed at...well, Director. Right? I'm def NOT a gaylord, although I am kind of surprised I scored the way I did, because I've def drunkenly made out with a few chicks in my day.

But in my case, making out with someone doesn't mean I'm necessarily sexually attracted to them. I just enjoy making out. Maybe I'm bicurious when it comes to the act of making out, but not actual sex (which I am 100% positive I need a penis in order to enjoy)?

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-06-12 14:30:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"F-The test failed to match you to a Kinsey Type profile. Either you answered some questions wrong, or you are a very unusual person."

I am a fukkin F! haaaaaaaaaaa and woo

Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-06-12 14:26:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"The Kinsey Scale is an idea developed by Alfred Kinsey in 1948"!


I wore my extra loose pants for nothing. Nothing!


*toddles away to take OLDASS test. heh


Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 13:33:18 EDT (#)

Jeanneee, thank you for reaching out to Oathy. He often feels excluded on the basis of, well, we all know why, so it's nice for you to include him.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2013-06-12 13:00:00 EDT (#)

Well your 0 should bring the Uber average to about 5.99. Get it? Cuz uber = gaylords. (I like to provide an explanation for my more sophisticated jokes, so everyone can enjoy them.)

Submitted by Director at 2013-06-12 12:48:11 EDT (#)

This test is bullshit. I suck Redskies dick all the time, and splooge up his asshole at least twice a week. And yet I scored a 0?

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 11:56:35 EDT (#)

Oathmeal, just because you don't understand, doesn't mean you don't look like an idiot.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 11:55:09 EDT (#)

Red's inadequacy #296:

Completely ineffective when attempting to use sarcasm.

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 11:51:14 EDT (#)

In an ideal relationship where my person and I decide to have children, diaper-duty would be a shared responsibility. I am still on the fence regarding having kids, though.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 11:46:31 EDT (#)

A yo momma joke.


How original!


Your sparkling wit is yet another item on the list of things I am green with envy about, my little hawaiian sunset.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 11:44:59 EDT (#)

As great as my heffer tonic is, I am afraid your mother can't be helped.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 11:42:17 EDT (#)

How are sales for your bovine beautifier this month btw? You got a few farmers buying your personal stock of hormones for their cattle?

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 11:41:16 EDT (#)

Am I concealing my envy Oathmeal?

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 11:39:26 EDT (#)

Red, pointing out your flaws is a job suitable for a lobotomized toddler.

It's THAT easy.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 11:38:06 EDT (#)

Oathy, Sage. Please pair up. And never ever ever ever ever post pictures of anything.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 11:36:40 EDT (#)

Sage please have my babies.

(Then keep them away from me because fuck diaper duty)

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 11:34:45 EDT (#)

Oathy's whiteboard list of Red's flaws. That must be a riveting read…

Submitted by FALLEN at 2013-06-12 11:34:30 EDT (#)

don't worry McBain I am snipped.
everyone is safe

probably

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 11:33:51 EDT (#)

Add "contrary" to the list, Oathy.

And no, it doesn't. I quite enjoy cake. The cavities aren't a concern. I have big enough teeth that if I did get a cavity, it'd probably be pretty small in comparison to the size of said tooth. The calories, now...those motherfuckers'll get ya. That is why I exercise. But there's precious little I can do to prevent a freak accident. I just *try* not to think about it.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2013-06-12 11:32:24 EDT (#)

from the test: I did not have a problem with the composition of an orgy (assuming a few females are there) and I was not weirded out in a 3-way.


Submitted by McBain at 2013-06-12 11:29:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by FALLEN at 2013-06-12 11:26:16 EDT (#)

I'm a 0; certified Angus, Grade A all man.
There is a strong possibility that you are now pregnant simply by me being here.
Even the men.
---------------

I no longer wanna talk shit. :(

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 11:29:10 EDT (#)

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 16:15:56 BST (#)

True story, below. Ironically pedantic, even...in a sentence where he complained that the test has misspellings, he actually left out a word. See?

**********

Submitted by Redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 10:09:02 EDT (#)

The 'test' has spelling mistakes in, and is so ridiculously simplistic that I don't think I need to go into the obvious epistemological and methodological issues.

**********

s/b "The 'test' has spelling mistakes in IT..."
---
I disagree.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 11:28:42 EDT (#)

It's likely not the first time FALLEN hasn't been truthful when asked if he likes penis.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2013-06-12 11:28:17 EDT (#)

I like cake

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 11:26:41 EDT (#)

Does the fear of cavities stop you from eating delicious cake?

Submitted by FALLEN at 2013-06-12 11:26:16 EDT (#)

I'm a 0; certified Angus, Grade A all man.
There is a strong possibility that you are now pregnant simply by me being here.
Even the men.

lame test TBH
"do you like cock?"
no
"you are not a gay"

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 11:23:31 EDT (#)

I got kind of excited when reading "wonderful biceps and a big ass...". I am a huge fan of a nice bum. But then I kept reading and it said "big ass motorcycle". Womp womp. :/

I say that, because despite being around them and riding them as a passenger for my entire life, I'm scared of motorcycles. I always imagine what my arms/legs would look like with road rash or what it would be like to be paralyzed when I'm riding them. Morbid, I know, but those are my thoughts nonetheless.


Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 11:19:34 EDT (#)

Pointing out typos is perhaps his only redeemable quality.

I, on the other hand, have wonderful biceps and a big ass motorcycle.


Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 11:17:17 EDT (#)

But I mean I wasn't going to say anything about it, because it would be pedantic of me to point out such a detail, right?

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 11:15:56 EDT (#)

True story, below. Ironically pedantic, even...in a sentence where he complained that the test has misspellings, he actually left out a word. See?

**********

Submitted by Redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 10:09:02 EDT (#)

The 'test' has spelling mistakes in, and is so ridiculously simplistic that I don't think I need to go into the obvious epistemological and methodological issues.

**********

s/b "The 'test' has spelling mistakes in IT..."

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 11:13:42 EDT (#)

Redskies is being coarse, pedantic and witless?

SHOCKING.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 10:34:51 EDT (#)

Ye-es. I'm from Britain. We're known for our rain and our cloudy weather. Saying that, we're pretty much protected from earthquakes, tornadoes, poisonous animals, sharks, gun rampages, skin cancer, hurricanes, tsunamis etc etc.

Shame about the sandwiches here though. They're naff.

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 10:29:17 EDT (#)

Submitted by Redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 10:25:49 EDT (#)

Now who needs to lighten up?

**************

Clearly not you, you're quite pale.

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 10:26:46 EDT (#)

What is the correct response when someone drops a tray in the middle of a canteen?

- Laughter
- Applause
- Offer help cleaning up

Where is "ignoring it, because who gives a fuck and it's pedestrian as shit to laugh, clap, gawk, or otherwise pay attention to something that could happen to anyone"? That's my answer.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 10:25:49 EDT (#)

Now who needs to lighten up?

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 10:23:24 EDT (#)

Most people don't need tests. That's not the point.

PS - your test blows.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 10:17:54 EDT (#)

*rolls eyes*

I don't need a test to tell me if I'm straight/gay or somewhere in the middle.


http://realcitizenshiptest.co.uk/quiz.php?n=1 a better test

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 10:12:52 EDT (#)

Whysoserious, Redskies? Just take the fucking test and lighten up, jackass.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2013-06-12 10:09:02 EDT (#)

The 'test' has spelling mistakes in, and is so ridiculously simplistic that I don't think I need to go into the obvious epistemological and methodological issues.

Submitted by Sage at 2013-06-12 10:02:25 EDT (#)

Not only is it good, it's also rare. I always knew you were special, Oathy!

My heart is melting...

*swoons*

<333333 xoxoxoxoxoxo

Submitted by OathMeal at 2013-06-12 09:46:32 EDT (#)

I scored a 6. Is that good?


Dammit, I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's
too late to teach this old dog new tricks.

-- Homer Simpson
Homer's Odyssey