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How I Became Keeper Of The Goddess Gourds

Submitted by RoadSong at 2014-09-10 10:48:29 EDT
Rating: 1.76 on 13 ratings (16 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Frank smiles and palms me something. I smile and say thanks, and with a smooth practiced motion put it in my pocket. He leans closer and whispers "African-rare". As is my way, I am very discrete both when I take the unknown packet and when I thank him. A casual observer would only see two people smiling and shaking hands.

Several days later I check the pockets of my Levis before washing them and find a baggie with a piece of masking tape around it, and written in Franks scribbly scribe on the tape "wine kettle". I remember the pass off and smile as I open the packet. The person who gave me this mysterious something is a botanist. A genius of ethnobotany. I am a fan. A HUGE fan of his work. He grows things that other people only dream of... secret obscure delights.

I am astonished at the size of the seeds, {if that is what these things are}. As large as my thumb. Well well well.... I saw the look on his face as he gave these to me. He was pleased with himself. This is a good sign.

I planted those things, watered them a few times, and went off on some adventure or another for a month or two. When I returned to my small nest there on the banks of Rattlesnake Creek, I was crossing the footbridge and ... WHOA! WHAT THA!

I could not freakin believe what was there next to my room! Plants the size of mini-vans! Leaves the size of umbrellas! And standing here and there were women. At least they looked like women. Like the women painted on the cave walls of southern France.

I sat down and started to admire the things. They were gourds. Curvy wild looking things.
Heavy too. They were huge no kiddin. Some of them stood as tall as my belt. A few days later I picked some of them from the vines and put them in the shed to dry.

I called Frank and told him how much I appreciated this most excellent gift he had given me. He told me that they were full of seeds, hundreds of seeds in each gourd, and he was selling his seeds for $1.00 each. This took a few seconds to soak into my brain. Lets see, dozens of gourds X hundreds of seeds in each one, YEE HAW I am rich!

After the gourds had dried and I had cleaned and polished them,I took them to a farm conference.I attend whenever UC Davis or the Dept.of Agriculture ask me to give a lecture or presentation. {alternative crops} this sort of thing.

This translates into FREE PARTY. All expenses paid. Four star hotel. HOT TUB! yesss.
I put a buffalo horn breastplate on one gourd. Shells around the neck of another, they were beautiful. There was a table titled "Agriculture as Art". I put them there with my celly number on a card. The phone started ringing. Talking. Ringing. I quit answering. The hot tub doncha know.

After I got home I started answering those calls.I told the people that I only had enough seed at this time for my own use but for them to call back at the end of next years growing season. Except for two big seed companies, I traded them a few of my seeds for large gift certificates good for their mail order wares.

That winter I had one of these large gourds in my room.I was pondering the best place to make a cut to craft a fine new drum.I am a drum maker you see. As I traced the line with my eyes to make the cut, the gourd said:


Whoa! Aright then. I grabbed the ginger oil and started to anoint her with it. She wished to be admired so I took her to the garden store and she was put on display wearing her buffalo horn breastplate.

Yes yes, I know. Wacky-Loony.


This is how I came to be Keeper of the Goddess gourds.

Thank you Frank.


keeper of the goddess gourds.jpg
keeper of the goddess gourds.jpg

Review This Item




Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-01-12 08:08:15 EST (#)

Submitted by Anglophile at 2014-11-03 12:47:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by St.Giles at 2014-11-02 19:07:08 EST (#)

I sat down and started to admire the things. They were gourds. Curvy wild looking things.


You were at your best, in those days.

Submitted by Ducky at 2014-09-20 07:11:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome Roads :)

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2014-09-18 19:51:11 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Why haven't you turned one of your pictures into a shit gif?

Submitted by messmind at 2014-09-11 13:45:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've been looking on ebay for these...I think i found a source ;)

Submitted by FALLEN at 2014-09-11 08:17:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

that middle gourd in the top pic looks like it would make a great, never mind.

Submitted by St.Giles at 2014-09-10 22:34:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Shlongy at 2014-09-10 20:37:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have what would be considered a "Green Thumb" but have never grown a gourd, that's for certain.

Submitted by StuporDupor at 2014-09-10 18:41:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Jeanneee at 2014-09-10 12:43:46 EDT (#)

You are a treasure.

fat below

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-09-10 18:12:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I would like to see how those might do out by my banana trees.

What I'm saying is: if I send you a some dollars will you send me some seeds?

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-09-10 14:51:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Gourds are fucking awkward. Sorry, but they are.

Cool post though.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2014-09-10 14:26:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

it's 'discreet', but you get a +2 for Trying To Save Ubersite.

Submitted by Sage at 2014-09-10 13:54:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Kicker of all ass.


Submitted by Tom Sorrell at 2014-09-10 13:45:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2014-09-10 12:43:46 EDT (#)

You are a treasure.

Homer: Okay, okay, don't panic. To find Flanders, I just have to think
like Flanders!

Homer's Brain:
I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater
everyday, and --

Homer: The Springfield River!

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