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Blackbear hates women. Not as much as they despise him, but it's close.
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In My Professional Opinion - I'd Say Go Fuck Yourself.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-03-07 00:35:46 EST
Rating: 0.66 on 10 ratings (17 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Career and lifelong stupidity takes effort.

You don't just fall into that line of work. You can't really even be born into it, regardless of how much of a dolt your dad was.

No. The most profound of all idiocy requires serious commitment. "Sure I'll suck your dick for a few Oreos; we *do* live in Salina, Kansas after all"-grade intelligence deficiency is truly something to behold. Admit it - one has to fight the urge to look away.

The garden variety mediocrity of, say, a barely adequate entry-level call center employee versus what you might find in Panama City during spring break after a whippet binge: who is working harder at it?

Honestly - who?

I met a traveler once who shared with me what he considered to be the apex of his very life experience. The most ultimate apprehension of belonging and connection to the universe - the Godhead - an embark into the deepest, dankest corners of the intellectual endeavor.

It was watching The Great Outdoors on magic mushrooms.

Now then.

I cannot deny him the resplendence of his emotional journey with Dan Aykroyd and John Candy. I would have zero legitimacy in doing so, anyway. But the rest of this guy's life - every single moment in his living heretofor - will be compared to that single, 1-hour and 33-minute zenith of pure lucidity.

I think that's kind of sad.

And this brings me to the bridge. You know, that part of the song that doesn't really sound like the rest of the song. It's there because if it wasn't, everything would be so goddamned repetitive that there'd be no WAY some throng of tween girls would EVER stand in a circle at the skating rink and giggle through glitter-glossed lips to it.

The bridge ties it all together, man.

If you own a zoo, apparently you can rent pandas from China for the princely sum of about a million dollars a year, per panda. That's right - fucking panda rentals, bitches. Deal with it. "Sup ladies. I got pandas. Now excuse me while I don this life vest to keep me from drowning in all this PUSSY I'll be getting from you."

But there's more to life than rolling the STD dice with loose women. There has to be.

Just ask that traveler dude.

That's all I'm saying, really.

I pronounce it ColoRADo and not ColoRAHDo because it IS rad.jpg
I pronounce it ColoRADo and not ColoRAHDo because it IS rad.jpg

Review This Item




Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2014-03-27 03:50:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This reminds Bob Dole of why Bob Dole keeps logging into Uber.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2014-03-12 12:28:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oathy, you weren't that carjacker in Colorado this morning were you?
I saw the picture of the ginger they had IDed as the suspect and instantly thought of you

Submitted by Shlongy at 2014-03-11 21:54:07 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I used that classic line LAST month; I'm trying to keep it "semi-fresh".

Submitted by JonnyX at 2014-03-11 16:42:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hey Shlongy, no 'Swanson Dinner for One' comments?

getting soft, old man

Submitted by Shlongy at 2014-03-10 16:28:41 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I thought it was stream of loserness.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2014-03-10 14:30:52 EDT (#)

What were you going for with this? Stream of consciousness?

Submitted by RoadSong at 2014-03-09 16:38:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This reminded me of the time I got high by ACCIDENT.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2014-03-09 08:27:56 EDT (#)

I don't know...catching the original airing of the Mr. Sparkle episode of the Simpsons while shrooming was kind of mind bending. That said, it was while coming down after spending a long day watching a Bob Dylan show in the pouring rain.

Submitted by Habeeb Thomas PhD at 2014-03-07 19:52:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wise words

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-03-07 19:13:14 EST (#)

Fair enough, below.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2014-03-07 19:01:30 EST (#)

Shit, not shirt. My tablet doesn't approve of foul language.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2014-03-07 19:00:34 EST (#)

Dude never said it was an achievement, just that it was the coolest thing that ever happened to him. Which is still pretty tragic, but at least it's not pathetic like it would be if he were bragging about it like it was winning an Oscar or getting elected President or some shirt like that.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-03-07 18:20:12 EST (#)

I kinda gotta agree: there is something sad about listing your greatest accomplishment as being simply watching someone else's idea of comedy through glasses with a tint that the person with the original comedic idea didn't consider. I mean, shrooming through a movie is not even really DOING something; it's just getting high and watching a screen. It's a non-achievement. It'd be harder to get high and NOT watch a screen. In fact, I'll go so far as to say that if you have some shrooms and what you choose to do with them is to use them to change what you see when you watch a screen, you have wasted them. Turn off your TV and go outside and shroom.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2014-03-07 17:13:25 EST (#)

Don't be so judgmental, Oathy.

Some people find enlightenment in hallucinogens and cinema...

Some find it in taking pictures of their cock in a sock and masturbating a fretboard.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2014-03-07 12:34:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

so, I guess you're smoaking a lot of that government pot now, eh?

Submitted by Shlongy at 2014-03-07 08:21:13 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-03-07 00:40:05 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Fag below.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-03-07 00:40:05 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Fag below.

Oh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to Increase
Your Word Power.' That thing is really, really, really ... good.

-- Homer Simpson
Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington