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Be an ass in *my* temple and you shall suffer the consequences.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-04-09 15:09:57 EDT
Rating: 1.18 on 13 ratings (18 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

You all know I lift, bro.

Beyond having the ability to snap Shlongy's pencilneck with barely a hard glance, I consider myself also well-informed on the subject of today's post: Gym Etiquette.

I won't list every *last* thing that is generally known to be poor form while gym-ing - that would take too long and frankly I have got way more important shit to do (in fact typing this post just barely ranked above scratching my balls on my important-shit-to-do-today agenda). However, what I would like to write about has to do with an encounter I had this morning with a fellow gymite.

Now, bitches be hating on the plate-loaded leg press machine. They think squats are a superior exercise because when you squat, you're incorporating stabilizing muscle groups (i.e. core) to push through the repetitions - muscles you wouldn't be using while sitting in a steel cradle and moving a carriage of weight with your feet, a la the plate-loaded leg press.

What these SAME EXACT BITCHES don't understand is this: correct squat form is predicated on having generally good hip, glute and hamstring flexibility. That is to say, you can't squat correctly unless you've developed a sound gluteal chain (hamstrings -> glutes -> lower back fascia).

For badasses like me who JUST SO HAPPENED to be born with a transitional lumbar vertebra (read: fused sacrum), squatting is kind of a no-no unless one enjoys living with a chronically herniated L5/S1 vertebral disc. This is why the plate-loaded leg press is my go-to for lower body development.

Our story begins with my casual approach to the leg press. I saunter up, proudly sporting my pink COME AT ME BRO tank top and green plaid hotpants, and casually drop my water bottle near the machine. This is generally known as claiming, sandstaking, etc. It means the machine is mine, motherfucker. But, this isn't all I do to ensure I've asserted my right to use it.

I run my hand tenderly and lovingly along the base of the seating cushion.

Ask me why. Go on, ask me.

"Ok. Oathy, why would you tenderly and lovingly caress the seating cushion?"

Good question. I'm glad you asked.

I'm checking it's temperature.

You see, if the seat cushion on the plate-loaded leg press machine registers anything higher than ambient room temperature, then there is a good chance that someone has just been using the machine, and the probability is fairly high that they'll be returning after their brief trip to the water fountain.

So, it's a kind of check, just to be sure that I'm not encroaching on another gym-bro's regimen. Sounds fair, right?

See how fucking smart and courteous I am?

Anyway, the seat was cold. That's a good sign. It's now mine.

Until...a wild gym-bro appears.

"Hey man, I have another few sets here," he says.

"Oh, is that a fact?" I reply, "Were you just using it?"

"Yea, I just got up to get some water."


"That must have been less than 60 seconds or so ago, right?" I inquired.

He began to fidget a little bit. This happens when gym-bros get the sense that their bullshit has been acutely detected.

"Well, yea. I guess. Just a minute ago," he says, "I only have another three sets. I'll be done soon."

He says this last bit as he starts making his way to the plate rack, where he starts loading 45's onto an OTHERWISE BARE CARRIAGE.

That's right folks, there was no weight on the machine. None.

"Pardon my curiosity," I said, "But if you were just using this machine less than a minute ago, wouldn't there have been weight on it?"

He stopped and looked at me while still holding a plate bound for the carriage.

"Well, I took it off because I wanted to lunge with the plates that were on there," he replied.

OH REALLY. LUNGE. With PLATES in your hands. Fucking buffoon. Time for me to exact righteous justice on this colossal d-bag.

"Sir," I began, "I am certainly no forensics expert, but I know a few basic thermodynamic rules, one of which is that if a source of heat, like YOU, radiates onto another surface for, say, a good 60 seconds or so, then that surface retains at least some heat - which is something I checked for when I first walked up to this machine."

He furled his brow and tilted his head slightly, sort of how a dog might act upon hearing a strange noise.

"It's my opinion," I said, "that you really were not using this machine, and that you wanted to contest *my* right to use it before you, by fabricating an easily refuted lie that most - MOST - people would buy without contest."

"Dude," he said, "I'm using this machine".

I squared my stance against him and allowed a soft smile to spread across my lips.

"No," I replied, "You're simply confused. See, you took me for a mark who might bend at your attempt at bullshitting, which I am not. There is no semblance of truth to what you've told me, and so I'm sorry but I'm going to have to have you wait until I'm done here."

"If you like," I continued, "you can check the padding here after my first set, to see that I am indeed correct about the seat staying warm for at least a good minute after my ass has left it. Would you like to do that?"

He put the plate he was holding back on the rack.

"Nah," he said, "Nah man. I'll just go do squats. That's a better leg workout anyway."

See, bitches be hating on the plate-loaded leg press machine UNTIL SUCH TIME as they see some jacked mother fucker like me pushing up half a ton and netting huge gains, and THEN they want to come get all froggy and make shit up just to get in on some of my leg-building action.

Fuck them, fuck squats and fuck your inane little lies you despicable, little man.

Be an ass in *my* temple and you shall suffer the consequences.


Review This Item




Submitted by Dru M at 2015-07-23 10:49:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Mr T pities jonnytexmex the old child toucher at 2015-01-13 15:32:36 EST (#)
Rating: -2


Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-04-22 16:50:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ordered a set through my local bicycle shop. Paid $41 more than internet prices with tax and all, but hey... we all like to support local small business when we can. Still well under my budget, so, win all around. Thanks again for the advice.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-04-22 12:46:16 EDT (#)

Looks like those will do nicely. Muchas gracías.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-04-22 12:06:53 EDT (#)

Skrap -

$500 will *barely* get you a decent set of carbon wheels. If I were you, I would remove any hopes of feeling safe on carbon wheels at that budget, because you'd have to buy them used and that's generally not a good idea.

Instead, I would go with Mavic Aksium wheels.


They're insanely durable, very light and they are personally endorsed by OathMeal himself.

Oh, and I ride them on my Surly touring road bike (Pacer).

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-04-21 13:26:18 EDT (#)

Oath: Snagged a Trek 7.9 FX road bicycle with bent rims and damaged bars at a garage sale over the weekend. A few scuffs but no cracks (and I know what to look for), working Shimano hardware all around. Cassette is in good shape. I have up to $500 for a set of decent wheels. I've done some research/googling and found all sorts of reviews that are contradictory and of limited value. Care to recommend a wheelset? My plan is to put it together and road test it for a while on the paved trails near my house, and then keep it if I like it or sell it if I don't. Carbon wheels are preferred but not required. I'm not averse to used higher-quality parts if that's a better idea, value-wise. Taking a few ounces off the weight will not matter much to me as I am myself built for comfort and not for speed. However, a potential buyer might be more impressed with carbon wheels than aluminum so the expense may pay off.

Submitted by Tyrone at 2014-04-16 16:16:36 EDT (#)

Bitch u prolly don even lift

Punks as nigga

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2014-04-12 12:03:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I tried lifting weights once, but they were so HEAVY.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2014-04-10 16:35:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Ok. Oathy, why would you tenderly and lovingly caress the seating cushion?" Good question. I'm glad you asked.

I'm checking it's temperature.

You see, if the seat cushion on the plate-loaded leg press machine registers anything higher than ambient room temperature, then there is a good chance that someone has just been using the machine, and the probability is fairly high that they'll be returning after their brief trip to the water fountain.

GOOD GOD! Hahahhaah woooohaaheheheh gack hack good grief man.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2014-04-10 13:02:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I concur with SilvrWolf...a crumpling should have been administered upon his pasty-white form, pro forma.

In addition, I find it HALARIOUS that the verb 'to crumple' is now inextricably linked to Oathmeal...it's nice to see one's imperatives satisfied...

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-04-10 09:30:22 EDT (#)

Could it be that an intellectual crumpling obviated the necessity of a physical crumpling INSIDE THE CONFINES OF A GYM? This is a plot twist no one foresaw. Quick, one of you comics geeks contact Marvel and DC: The seeds of a new superhero are sown.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2014-04-10 08:39:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"homoerotic gym monkey stories"

correct me if I'm wrong but is it not proper to remove all weight from a station when you are done?

Had that other guy removed the plates as he said, he must have know it to be a signal to others that the machine was free.
Oathy was in the right and should have applied crumple directly to the forehead of this idiot.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2014-04-10 02:14:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

As the, "Broiest of Bro's" and a gym rat, I'd say that leg press is for girls and real men, if you want legs like tree trunks, and the abilty to spin kck a motherfucker's stomach out of there ribs, as well as having legs so massive, and thick, like drum sticks, as women get wet looking at you, wondering how powerful your thrust is, it's simple.. You squat pussy. My coaches never bought that body type bullshit, and neither do I. I've seen fat boys squating with hips that aren't shit.. So be a man, man up, stand up bro's don't Press! They squat!"... Also I concur on the gym bullshit, some assholes think they own the place. Usually they are the ones with matching shoes, to shirt combo's, ear phone's on, and the bullshit ipod shoulder holder, cuz they go to the gym that much, pansies.. So, I feel yah bro, I feel yah.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-04-10 01:01:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Anfry and jelus, below.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2014-04-09 21:03:56 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Long and terrible, plus boring is much, much worse than short and awful.

Also, oathmeal is a big bag of friendless shit.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2014-04-09 19:17:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is amazing! I was just thinking to myself today, "Self, the internet is such a wacky place, but it's still missing something... If only there were more homoerotic gym monkey stories, it would be complete."

And here it is! Thank you, good sir. Thank you from the deepest fibers of my quads.

I'm going to have to give you an A-, though, for this story is incomplete. You left out the part where you unleashed the crumple unmercifully upon his candy ass. It simply proved to be anticlimactic and made the title of this piece a blatant lie. After all, there was no suffering and there were no consequences. Either our little Oathy is growing up to be a respectable adult, or you've lost your edge. If it's the former, I'm proud of you. If it's the latter, I'm not mad, bro; I'm just disappointed.

We all know how much my opinion matters to you, so I hope you've learned something from this little talk here. I look forward to more of your exciting adventures, but hold out hope that in the future there will be either your open and complete renouncement of violence (and possible conversion to Jainism), or that they will be filled with full-on, no-holds-barred crumplefests. Your choice.

As you were, soldier.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2014-04-09 18:06:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Pop Quiz!

Exercise is:
a) the practice of being as energetically inefficient as possible.
b) good for you.
c) the practice of increasing the entropy of the Universe as rapidly as possible.
d) pointless as it is not capable of staving off death forever.
e) all of the above.

Submitted by OathMeal at 2014-04-09 15:16:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic
snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second
all of those things go away, we'll have sex.

-- Homer Simpson
Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy