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Whiskeyburgers. Yeah, they're as awesome as the name sounds.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-05-27 22:29:59 EDT
Rating: 1.66 on 12 ratings (26 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Over the weekend MLWaI had some friends over to swim in the pool, shoot some pool, set up a betting pool on the Indy 500, and pool our collective arsenals for some target practice in the back yard. Loads of fun, all. After the target practice/contest (the CZ455 in 22WMR is an awesome contest-winning implement) and the Indy race (his name is Juan Pablo Montoya, he won my race, I should prepare to lose my bet), MLW and some of the guests were shooting pool while others were floating in the pool and I was preparing the burgers.

Unbeknownst to me until I looked, it so happened that I was out of ketchup. I know: an American without ketchup... it's like a Mexican without salsa picante or a Canadian without gravy. Or a Brit without curry. Nonetheless, it was a terrible, undeniable fact. Ketchup is part of my burger recipe. It is one of the spokes in the wheel of awesome that is my burger recipe, which in turn does its part to help roll the monster truck of awesome that is any meal I feed to you right over your completely unprepared face. How to make my super-secret burger recipe without ketchup? I had to improvise. So, instead of trying to come up with a substitute for ketchup which would only be a disappointment, I made up a recipe based on the stuff I had and the positive results of some previous experiments. The outcome in this instance was well beyond acceptable and strayed deeply into the "write this down so you can do it again" realm. So I did, and here it is. This recipe makes 12 burgers. You can proportion it up or down.

4 lb 93% lean Angus beef, ground medium
6 oz Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey
1/4 cup Outback Steakhouse Beef Seasoning (look up a recipe online, it'll be close enough)
12 thick slices of bacon
4 eggs, beaten
'Some' panko breadcrumbs
1/4 cup French salad dressing
1/4 cup molasses-based BBQ sauce
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese
1 tsp table salt
1 tsp ground black pepper
12 3mm (1/8") slices fontina cheese
12 kaiser or sesame rolls, split and toasted on the grill
2 "Ugly" (heirloom) tomatoes
1 head leaf lettuce
1 white onion
-----
Preheat grill on high for all burners
Split the buns and set them aside
Put the fontina cheese slices on a plate and set them aside
Put the bacon slices on a different plate and set them aside
Leave the panko crumbs in the container they come in and set them aside
Pull off 12 leaves of lettuce, rinse, and set aside
Slice the onion into 12 equal portions and set it aside
Slice the tomatoes into 12 slices and set aside
Put everything else in a glass or stainless steel bowl and mix together thoroughly - use your hands; it's just dead cow muscle ya pansy
See how wet and gloppy the mix is?
Add panko a bit at a time and mix thoroughly to absorb moisture, until the mix is wetter than Play-Dough® but drier than peanut butter
Divide into 12 equal portions and flatten to about 12mm (1/2 inch) patties
Turn one section of the grill off to be the cooler portion of the grill.
Grill burger patties both sides to leave good grill marks and thorough through-cooking, then move to cooler portion of grill and top with Fontina cheese slice
Grill bacon until cooked, place with patties to rest on cooler portion of grill
Toast buns on grill
Bring buns, patties, bacon, lettuce, tomato, and onion to table on plates - build your own burger

No ketchup allowed. What are you, like five?

The alcohol cooks off so you're left with that great JD/BBQ flavor in a very moist, firm and palatable burger. Try to avoid other toppings that will mask the subtle deliciousness of this recipe such as mayo, strong mustard, vinegar-based BBQ sauces, or farm-grade low-sulphur diesel fuel.

If you like, you *may* blot the tomato slices with a paper towel and then allow them to rest in a small bit of good quality balsamic vinegar with some salt and pepper. This is actually quite taysteh.

Enjoy.




lookatthatdeliciouswhiskeyburger.JPG
lookatthatdeliciouswhiskeyburger.JPG


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Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-08-06 07:28:29 EDT (#)

We do not cook with Scotch, DaBeast. The flavors of drink-worthy Scotch are masked if it's mixed with anything, be it fizzy drinks OR Angus beef. For Whiskeyburgers, a bold, unsubtle whiskey is required and Jack Daniels is just that. If you must use Scotch, you can try Johnny Walker Red. It's about as unsubtle as Scotch can get, and it's cheaper than Jack Daniels.

Submitted by DaBeast at 2015-08-06 04:34:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2



Jack Daniel sucks! Where's the fucking Scotch, you heathen?




Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2015-08-05 13:59:40 EDT (#)

I'd love him if he promised to stay for breakfast...

...and to stop drinking from the toilet.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-08-05 13:29:58 EDT (#)

So sad. You open this post every 10 minutes to see if I deleted your review. I know this because I left the last one up for 15 days, and you reviewed again 10 minutes after I deleted your previous review. You must have looked (assuming you sleep the 4 hours per day you're not trolling) about... 1800 times since I quit -sorry, paused - deleting your reviews. You gave this post 1800 hits in half a month, waiting to c/p the same old sad response from the spreadsheet of sadness you keep running all the time. Step back a moment, and lap that up.

And, sadder still, you will keep coming back every 10 minutes to see if I've deleted that review below (or is it above?). You can't help it, you know it, and, like JonnyX with his lingerie posts, I own you because of it. I might let it stay there a while, or it might be gone in a few minutes, or it might stay there forever. You never know. You know what: it might be gone a nanosecond after you check! Better check again, just to be sure. It's a shame science hasn't found a way to extract energy from your obsessions. Harness the power of your obvious desire to be triple-penetrated by me and JonnyX and Silvr, and we could stop drilling for oil immediately. But none of the three will never love you. Never, because you're a sad little pathetic creepy unfunny boring troll, and no one likes that kind of person.

So just keep looking to see if your review is still there. It's all you will ever have.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2015-07-04 13:53:11 EDT (#)


Submitted by JonnyX at 2015-07-02 16:17:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX at 2015-06-30 11:23:14 PDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by crapmetal at 2015-06-30 11:01:50 PDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by silvrfag at 2015-06-21 10:39:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2
Submitted by bart at 2015-06-21 10:39:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2
Submitted by yourfatasswife at 2015-06-21 10:39:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2
Submitted by Shlongy at 2015-06-18 08:00:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ubersite at its finest, right here...

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-06-30 16:47:26 EDT (#)

By the way, a lot of chain groceries are starting to sell ugly tomatoes in local season, so you don't have to go to the farmer's market or Whole Foods/Fresh Market/Trader Joe's.

Next time you're heading for the beach or park, do this:

2 fist-sized ugly tomatoes
1 medium white onion
1 tbsp EVOO
3 tbsp decent balsamic vinegar
12-16 fresh mozzarella curds 20-30mm dia (or slice larger ones)
salt & black pepper

Bring a knife, cutting board, and a plastic bowl with lid big enough to hold all the combined ingredients

When you're ready to eat...
Slice tomatoes 6-8mm thick and put in the bowl
Slice onion thin, separate the rings, put 'em in the bowl
Put the mozz, EVOO, and balsamic in the bowl, stir gently (don't damage the tomatoes).
S&P to taste

Serves 4-6 a tasty snack/light lunch

It's OK to eat this with your fingers if you don't want to mess with utensils at the beach. Just wash the sand off your damn hands first.



Submitted by AJ at 2015-06-21 10:43:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

The best part of your instructions were that you told me not to mix the lettuce and cheese in with the burger patty. I would have been confused, otherwise.

Submitted by Mr T pities jonnytexmex the old child toucher at 2015-06-12 13:24:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

MR T KNOW WHYSILOSER IS A VIRGIN.

THATS OK THOU, ONE DAY YOU MEET THE RIGHT MAN FOR U

Submitted by Mr T pities jonnytexmex the old child toucher at 2015-06-10 17:19:49 EDT (#)

MR T THINK IT AWFUL SAD THAT WHYSENLOSER BEEN POSTING THAT SAME COMENT FOR A WEEK

Submitted by Scooter at 2015-06-05 05:00:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

For this line:

Unbeknownst to me until I looked, it so happened that I was out of ketchup. I know: an American without ketchup... it's like a Mexican without salsa picante or a Canadian without gravy. Or a Brit without curry.

Submitted by Mr T pities jonnytexmex the old child toucher at 2015-06-03 13:23:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

MR T KNOW PUSSY WEN HE SEE ONE!

Submitted by crapmetal at 2015-06-03 18:20:50 BST (#)
Rating: -2

lol pussy

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2015-06-02 20:56:18 EDT (#)

Hilarious. One can only imagine whysie bringing up Ubersite dozens and dozens of times, just waiting until his last comment is deleted so he can post the exact same thing, again and again. That anyone would be that completely stupid and devoted to futility is awe-inspiring.

Tell me, whysie: how does it feel to be such an ineffectual, infantile imbecile as to think that calling an adult man "pussy", given your own proclivity for running and hiding like a little bitch, is anything resembling an insult? Jesus fucking Christ. If stupidity was a wasting disease, your dumb ass would have dessicated decades ago.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2015-05-30 10:07:17 EDT (#)



Linus isn't a writer; Linus is just a nose picker.

Submitted by RoadSong at 2015-05-30 02:27:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

How could you forget to take a photoooo? Twas the Jack wasn't it?

Submitted by Linus at 2015-05-29 19:07:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-05-28 06:37:07 EDT (#)

Submitted by Linus at 2015-05-27 23:55:12 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You suck more dicks than anyone on this website.
-----
I am skewered by your rapier wit, Linus. Flayed, lanced, and utterly run through. Made it as a writer yet? Can't imagine why not, with talent like that. Ah well, the world needs part time minimum wage hipster coffee store floor moppers too.

--

Your utterly middling life is insult enough. I'm not a writer.

;)

Submitted by Mr T pities jonnytexmex the old child toucher at 2015-05-29 13:21:24 EDT (#)

MR T KNOW Jonnytexmex AND Sissy SUCK HELLUVA COCK

Submitted by JonnyX at 2015-05-29 11:06:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Linus at 2015-05-27 20:55:12 PDT (#)
Rating: -2

You suck more dicks than anyone on this website.
----
incorrect, that would be whysie.

Submitted by Doodles at 2015-05-29 04:17:49 EDT (#)

Seems solid.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2015-05-28 14:18:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Will definitely be trying this one out.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2015-05-28 09:45:46 EDT (#)

Can't stand ketchup. I'll have to try this recipe out. Thanks Skrap.

Submitted by FALLEN at 2015-05-28 08:15:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

pics or it didn't happen

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-05-28 06:37:07 EDT (#)

Submitted by Linus at 2015-05-27 23:55:12 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You suck more dicks than anyone on this website.
-----
I am skewered by your rapier wit, Linus. Flayed, lanced, and utterly run through. Made it as a writer yet? Can't imagine why not, with talent like that. Ah well, the world needs part time minimum wage hipster coffee store floor moppers too.

Submitted by Linus at 2015-05-27 23:55:12 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You suck more dicks than anyone on this website.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-05-27 22:29:45 EDT (#)

Turns out that of 12 people eating these amazing burgers, three choose not to partake of the swine for whatever lame-ass reason they give. Whatever, Trev al Or, I'll step up. Practical upshot: The Quadruple Bacon Whiskeyburger is now a thing. A delicious, delicious thing.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2015-05-27 22:26:37 EDT (#)

Quadruple-Bacon Whiskeyburgers are the the simple cure to the scourge of not-having-type-II-diabetes that is so prevalent in today's underdeveloped countries. The More You Know®


You see, there are some crybabies out there -- religious types mostly
-- who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to
turn off your set now. C'mon, I dare you. Bock-bock-bock-bock-bock!
Chicken!

-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror III