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Jack and Jill

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2016-02-04 05:01:34 EST
Rating: 1.3 on 12 ratings (13 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Men Jack off. Women Jill off. How does the pail fit into things?

Hear me out. So Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a pail of water, and on the way they drop to the ground and make like bonobos, but we don't know what happened to the pail. Feels like you can't make a Jack and Jill masturbation metaphor and not do anything with the pail.

Side note: isn't it apt that the guy finishes first and the gal "tumbles after." That's premature eJACKulation. Don't want to speak for any other ladies, but that's why I fuck things with batteries.

J/k. But not really.

So, anyway, I think the pail is a condom. Or it's a baby. I guess it depends on whether you're religious or not.

It could also symbolize the sexual act, i.e., they go up to fuck--but then the rest of the rhyme really does mean that Jack came too quickly and poor Jill was left to her own devices. That is really depressing.

Except for the "broke his crown" bit. Serves you right if you're going to leave your lady hanging. Least he could have done was get her a pail after he got his pail. Given enough time Jack might have wanted to get another pail for himself.

"But he broke his crown, what was he supposed to do?"

Well, if Jack wasn't in such a rush to leave, he wouldn't have tripped trying to put on his pants and landed on his semi-erect dick. Fucking commitment-phobe. And it wasn't even clear if Jill wanted anything serious, anyway. Maybe all she wanted was a no-frills thing. Like Jill would want to marry a guy with muttonchops. Give Jill a little fucking credit.

I think the moral of the story is: don't name your kid Jack or Jill. Or pail. And don't let them marry Jacks or Jills. You'll think "I bet my daughter once jacked Jack off," and that's it. That thought is there forever. People will see you cringe on bus stops and it'll be you remembering, maybe visualizing.

And if they marry a Jill? You'll wonder if your son is giving it to Jill good and proper. And every time you see her dour expression at a family get together, you'll think about all the batteries she must buy, and it will make you a little angry at your kid for no good reason.

I don't even want to think about gay pairings. That's mutually-assured destruction.

In closing, I think Humpty Dumpty is about rickets.


Review This Item




Submitted by TigerLilly at 2016-04-05 21:37:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed.

Submitted by Loren at 2016-04-04 09:56:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are awesome. You're sense of humor is reminiscent of Amy Schumer.

Submitted by Darth_Famine at 2016-02-05 01:42:00 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Second class? What about Social Security, bus discounts, Medic-Alert
jewelery, Gold Bond powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and
all those other senior perks? Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it
pretty sweet.

-- Homer Simpson
Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in
"The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"

Submitted by OathMeal at 2016-02-04 21:46:58 EST (#)
Rating: -1

Creepy old fogey, below.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2016-02-04 21:43:06 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Do you weigh less than 125? If so, I may be interested in chowing the beave.

Submitted by X54 at 2016-02-04 18:02:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Jill was menstruating at the time.

Submitted by pen_name at 2016-02-04 17:53:49 EST (#)

What a weird-looking bowtie. It looks like it has a genetic disorder.

Submitted by Bestmate2 at 2016-02-04 17:27:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

So it's good enough for moi.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2016-02-04 16:51:32 EST (#)
Rating: 1


Submitted by Dru M at 2016-02-04 12:13:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sucked off many men above

Submitted by Dru M at 2016-02-04 12:12:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Never made a woman orgasm below

Submitted by OathMeal at 2016-02-04 11:29:41 EST (#)
Rating: -1

Finally a reason for the internet to come back to Ubersite and realize what a gem it is for serious writers!

Submitted by JonnyX at 2016-02-04 11:23:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

thank for you for trying to save Ubersite!

Aw, being a clown sucks. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and
admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being
a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in
the clowning business.

-- Homer Simpson
Homie the Clown