Advice I would give my 18 year old self if I saw him right nowSubmitted by Spam at 2016-04-20 00:20:05 EDT
Rating: 1.78 on 15 ratings (20 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
You know what, buy some fucking hats. Not caps, mind; Hats. Panama, Trilby, Fedora. Etc. Hats are fucking cool. And yeah, most people will think you’re a complete bellend when you wear one out and about, but – and I’ll tell you this now for free – if you have a selection of hats hanging on the wall above your bed, it’s a guarantee that whenever you bring a girl home, she will think it’s a totally sexy and original idea to ride you to orgasm while wearing nothing but the hat. She’ll be half right.
Stay away from Nikki. Seriously.
Drugs: they’re not as bad as you may think. Give them a go while you’re too young to really fuck your life up. You’ll only end up starting in your late-twenties anyway.
Go down on girls at the earliest opportunity. Master this. Trust me, you’re never going to be a marathon-man in the sack, but if you learn the art of making them come before you actually start The Sex, the worst that’s going to happen is you’ll be 1 for 1 with her by the end.
Nobody else thinks it’s funny when you refer to it as ‘The Sex’ and include capitalisation.
Same goes for pronouncing cunnilingus: The Coon-Eye-Lingus
Your penis is a decent size. Nobody ever laughed at it or complained. No need to worry.
Even at 33, you still won’t have gotten over how fucking shitty and uncomfortable it is to be in a titty bar. It’s a great environment for some folks. You are not one of these.
Once it’s done it’s done. Don’t go back for seconds. That shit ends badly. For everybody involved. Every time.
Seriously, with the drugs, try MDMA at the first opportunity. It is magnificent.
There is great strength in admitting weakness. Don’t worry so much about trying to appear ‘normal’ when you’re all fucked up. Most times, it’s better to just let everybody know you’re a fucking mess and let them adjust rather than to suffer the hell of trying to bravado it out refusing to admit you’re a lightweight.
2008/09 is going to fucking suck dude. But try not to get too wrapped up in your own shit. Otherwise you will end up fucking up one of the most potentially important relationships in your life before it ever really gets off the ground. Dick. She’s probably reading this.
You’re never going to make money from online poker. Granted, you’re good enough that you won’t lose a whole lot either, but shelve those dreams of being a pro, dude. It didn’t work out for you.
It’s all downhill after 25. But it’s a really shallow, steady decline. Stately. Enjoy it. Seriously.
Joe Root! That’s all I’m going to say. I don’t want to ruin the surprise.
While we’re on sport; Accept that your national football team is shit. Golden Generation my arse.
Also, eventually it’s going to be okay to be male and love David Beckham. May as well get ahead of the curve.
Go to https://www.ubersite.com ; A beautiful waste of time. Leave before 2010. Shit goes downhill fast after that.
At 33, if you ever get the idea, while off your tits, to write your 18 year-old self some advice, think twice before posting it.
Ubersite: Post them, don’t post them, up to you. But I invite you to do the same for yourself. Or at least think about it. Or don’t. You’re mostly all pricks here now anyway.