Congressman Herbert J. Shlongy resigns after explicit emails to young Page are revealed!Submitted by JonnyX at 2016-04-26 14:33:17 EDT
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API - Congressman Herbert J.Shlongy (R-S.C.) resigned his office yesterday amid the growing Congresssional Page scandal that has already claimed the career of one member of Congress.
When pressed for comment, Rep. Shlongy offered "No Comment", and then attempted to assault a photographer with a golf club, most likely a 3-wood.
Spokesman for Congressman Shlongy Walter Q. Nitty offered that Rep. Shlongy would be attending a clinic on Hilton Head, S.C., but did not specify the nature of the treatment, other than it involved a lot of 'clubhouse activities'.
This reporter has discovered the text of some of the email conversations in question, and will reprint excerpts here. It is not the policy of this newspaper to reveal the name or identity of the young Page in question, although it is public knowledge that he is from Bergen County, N.J., and goes by the Internet handle of Axolotl.
Shlongy - Good Morning, dipshit!
Axolotl - ah, Good Morning, Mr. Congressman sir. How are you today?
Shlongy - How am I? I've got a goddamn freight train running through my head - some numbnuts must have given me the cheap whisky instead of the Glenfiddich last night at the club. I guess after 12 or so, it's hard to tell the difference…anyhow, get in here with some bourbon and codeine, NOW!
Axolotl - Yes sir, Mr. Shlongy sir
Shlongy - Do you like bourbon, son?
Axolotl - Gee, I don’t know Mr. Shlongy, I had a sip of my dad's beer one time.
Shlongy - Y'know, a REAL man drinks bourbon - bourbon and branch water, that's been the favored drink of many a Congressman - do you want me to teach you how to be a real man, son?
Axolotl - Golly, I'm not sure sir, do I have time to change into my special pants?
Shlongy - No, not like that, dillhole! Aargh, nevermind you little knobgobbler, just get your ass in here with my wake-up juice!
Axolotl - Yes sir.
Axolotl - Congressman Shlongy? Are you in your office?
Axolotl - Mr. Shlongy, it's me, Axolotl, are you in there, sir?
Shlongy - zzz What, what is it? Goddamn it, how many times have have I told you to not interrupt me when I am in the middle of…consultations. What do you want, dip shit?
Axolotl - It's your 3:00, sir, two gentlemen, a Mr. Guido D'Ampezzo and a Mr. Antonio Cannoli, from the Hilton Head Re-Development Association are here to see you, and they have a very large suitcase for you.
Shlongy - It BETTER be a large suitcase.
Axolotl - Sir, I'm sorry??
Shlongy - Urk..nothing. Send them in, send them in…IS your blazer straight?
Axolotl - Oh yes sir! I am wearing my special tie, and I am ever so neat and presentable! And might I say sir, it is such a pleasure to work for you, and the Congress, and America, and..
Shlongy - yeah, whatever kid. Listen, since you've been such a good boy, I'll let you have a roll of Lifesavers again, okay? Just reach into my front pants pocket and grab one. Remember, I have a couple of rolls of Lifesavers in there, so be sure and grab each roll REAL hard so you make sure you get the right one, okay?
Axolotl - YAAY!!!!!!
Shlongy - DIPSHIT!
Axolotl - um, yes sir, Mr Shlongy sir?
Shlongy - you were supposed to be in here 6 minutes ago with copies of my latest bill, the Wetlands to Fairways Conversion Act - where the hell are you??
Axolotl - ah, I am sorry, sir..I have visitors.
Shlongy - WHO TOLD YOU TO HAVE VISITORS, YOUR DEVOTION TO ME IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE ALL-CONSUMING PASSION OF YOUR WORTHLESS LIFE, GET THAT???
Axolotl - Well, it's my mom, Mr. Shlongy sir.
Shlongy - Your mom? Aha, I see….hmm. Tell me son, does your mom have nice cans?
Axolotl - Well, I guess so, sir, the pantry at home is pretty full, and my mom always makes sure the Campbell's are separate from the Chef Boy-Ar-Dees…
Shlongy - NOT LIKE THAT, QUEERMO! I'm talking about her rack, her melons, her jugs…
Axolotl - She didn't bring any water, sir.
Shlongy - ………………..
Axoltol - Sir?
Shlongy - Listen kid, does your mom like music?
Axolotl - Oh yes sir!
Shlongy - Has she heard the latest new single by Orgasmatron 'Taste Me Where I Pee'?
Axolotl - Hold on sir, I'll ask her.
Axolotl - Yes sir, she has heard it, and as a matter of fact she says that she'd like to hear you sing your version of it, sir!
Shlongy - Send her right in. And lock the door after her, I'll be in consultations for the rest of the day.
Axolotl - Oh boy, Congressman Shlongy is going to sing my mom a song! This is the best day ever!
Shlongy - Whatever, dipshit.