I shot my load in the face of some Australian woman at Sea World, and boy was she pissedSubmitted by JonnyX at 2016-04-27 10:54:20 EDT
Rating: 1.5 on 11 ratings (11 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Yesterday, I decided to go to Sea World here in San Diego. It was a nice warm day, and I felt like taking a day off.
My one favorite thing about Sea World (other than the penguins), is that the park is owned by Anheuser-Busch.
That means not only can you buy beer everywhere, they also give away FREE BEER in their hospitality center. They've got those ridiculously huge Clydesdale horses, and all this beer equipment, vats and worts all over the place…it's pretty cool.
Now, it's not all you can drink, they give you 2 6oz beers at a time, and 'that's it'…unless you've smart enough to wait around 15 minutes, then get in a different line.
Kinda like in the Simpsons episode where the talking beer bottle says "DRINK DUFF! (responsibly)"
So a couple beers at 11:00 in the morning is a nice way to get your morning started, and then it's off to my second favorite thing about Sea World - the Adventure Rapids ride. Now, the Adventure Rapids ride is pretty standard, it's a log-flume type ride, but instead of a bobsled-stylee configuration, the craft is round, and seats 9 people in a circle. You're strapped in, there's no moving around. The thing is that the craft turns around from side-to-side, as it bumps into rapids and goes underneath some waterfalls, you never know who is gonna get wet.
Anyhow, my favorite part is not riding the thing, oh no. You see, at this one point on the river-course, they have this gradual bend, and at this bend are some carefully placed water cannons. So, for 25 cents, you can spray some random strangers.
Yeah, yippie-ki-yi and whoop-de-doo, right?
Well, what JonnyX knows through careful study (and about $50 worth of quarters) is that this one cannon on the end, if I time it just right, I can hit somebody RIGHT in the face with a shot of water. There are a lot of factors - wind speed, overall speed of the craft, rotational speed of the craft, the time from when I press the button and when the air-compressor blows out its load of water - if all things come together just right, I smack some poor fool with about 3 gallons of cold water right in the face.
Since I've been doing this for a while, I can tell after a few tries exactly which passenger on the ride will be my victim (based on the overall speeds aforementioned), so I call out to the poor sap "excuse me sir, SIR, yes you in the Yankees cap, I've got a present for you!" at which point they look at me, all Scooby-Doo like 'HRRRUGRGH?', and then I deliver the payload right to their face. Fuckin priceless.
Then, just to show out that I'm a good sport, I yell out "Welcome to San Diego" in my cheeriest tourist-friendly voice, and wave maniacally at them. Pretty much everybody is a good sport about it, laughing and having a good time - my favorite targets are old ladies and Asian tourists, because they get so bewildered, and of course, hot chicks wearing bikinis, because…well DUH!
A lot of times they come up to me afterwards, cause I'm there for a good half hour at least, and tell me how great that was, and all. But not today.
Now, when I'm doing this, I tend to gather a crowd…people see me hit some fool in the face, and then they start laughing - then, they give ME money to hit their friends when they come by, which I do with a smile "Hey Brooke, your little brother has a present for you!" I just made that 10-year old's day, he's gonna give his sister shit about that for the rest of their trip. But what can I say, I do my part to encourage tourism.
So as I am holding court for my fans, I feel a bony finger prod me in the shoulder. I am explaining to a young protégé the intricacies of current versus rotational speed, so I ignore it..until I feel a bony finger poke me again.
I turn around to see a older woman glaring at me, and she says to me in Aussie-speak "That's wasn't a nice thing you did." She has two male companions with her, but these guys are openly laughing at her, so I'm not worried or anything.
I honestly didn't even remember the woman, I only remember the really good ones, and I'm hitting about 40-50 people, and I don't always get a direct hit everytime.
I say to her "I'm sorry?" but of course with a big frickin smirk, just to let her know 'sorry' is the least-sincere thing I'm feeling right now.
"I wish I could put you in the drink right now!" And with that, she sidles up to me and gives me a hip check towards the river!
Now mind you, there's a fence, and an embankment, and about 250 pounds of JonnyX preventing that from happening, but it was pretty solid for a 55-year old woman.
Bemused, I say to her "Where in Australia are you from?"
"Brisbane" she says, offput by my question.
"Well now, you've got something to tell the folks back in Queensland about San Diego hospitality!"
With that, her two friends start laughing, and lead her away before she can lay another smack-down on me.
As they go off, I offer a cheery "Enjoy the rest of your day at Sea World" as if I were some rogue, freelance assassin employed by the Anheuser-Busch Corporation.
I love Sea World.
Here's my favorite kind of target, again.