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A phone call...

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-22 02:39:55 EDT
Rating: -1.37 on 12 ratings (42 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I got a phone call... Not not ordinary, from an "unknown number".. Thought nothing of it, back to the rat race, being a punk, and earning my measly 70,000 a year...( peanuts)..

I listen, my heart gets still, fear, excitement, happiness, despair hits my heart.. All at once...

When a big time producer/ director calls you... You feel it. From your balls to your gut.. You feel it.

" Perkman, I heard good things about you l, ******* ja** is vouching for you, speaks highly of you, I got him his first network show, he was my intern 15 years ago... I'd love to have a meeting and discuss your script, and you working for our network.

I'm not gonna lie, I froze, a tear came to my eye.. I thought it was a prank. Surreal, called back, it's his rica the secretary, his real number... Wow..

I'm not going to lie,it would have behooved me to unequivocally leave ubersite, but won't.. I insist on staying. Thank you guys, for being harsh, for being encouraging, for being daring, for being you.. I learned to have balls here, follow my heart here, and write here. And though your harsh criticism heart me, it made me stronger, like a muscle being worked out, and beaten harshly, with max reps.. Uber ain't for the faint of heart,only a decade of writing, but from what I hear in Hollywood, " your way early", i guess so..

I have a fear of not posting here anymore, when I start getting the checks... But I don't know, you're a part of me, and a treasure all of you, even the ones that hate ol' perk.. Hope to one day win you over.. Since, as my professor at Cal told me, " anything can be negotiated, and anyone can be won over"... In getting their lassies and fella's.. In getting their. Now per our ritual like the " Native American, savages we are" ream and destroy me.. It's our ritual, and I''m a proud brother of our uber fraternity... Love yah, and hate you pricks.. Thanks.

Review This Item




Submitted by Pubis at 2017-03-07 18:07:53 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Your long ass posts and replies use up memory space.

Submitted by shitfuck at 2017-02-10 01:18:42 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I got a phone call too. I didn't pick up.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2016-11-29 19:26:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Linus at 2016-11-12 02:45:44 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Nice. I'm breaking into the music industry as of late. See you at a meet & greet maybe! Hah!

Submitted by Stackle at 2016-11-07 11:40:52 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Tormentos at 2016-10-26 06:49:42 EDT (#)

Yeah, I figured you'd say something like that. Good luck kid, and remember to only believe what you read in the contract.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-26 00:24:20 EDT (#)

Tormentos- Thanks bud, but I have " industry" people reading me as of late. I had an literary agent tell me my current script is better than 80% of what comes across his desk( Hes from one of the big three.. WME,CAA,UTA). Also, the script I' m working on, my boss/mentor heard the " pitch" from me, just off the ptich said he'd get it to a producer. To quote him, "Perkman, you're one of those guys.. just the right opportunity and you're going to soar, glad i made you my muse".

So, I'm good on that, but thanks. I truly appreciate it. Means a lot to me. Hope all is well for you, bud.

Submitted by Tormentos at 2016-10-25 13:43:06 EDT (#)

You know, I may regret doing this, but here goes. I'm quite probably the only person to ever say or type these words to you and actually mean them: I would like to see your spec script.

I will read it. All of it. I won't do anything with it but read it. I won't publish it in whole or part, I won't forward it, I won't let it out for others to look at, I won't edit it and send it back to you "fixed", and I won't comment on it to anyone but you (if you wish to have it commented on, I mean).

What say you?

Submitted by OathMeal at 2016-10-24 19:29:47 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Fuck you

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-24 18:46:26 EDT (#)

Sure, Perky. You can get up off the floor now and have your lollipop. Here's a tissue. You've got a snot bubble going on there. If it helps you think that you've somehow burned me, then yes, my wife is literally the size of Pluto. {Poor little fella. He's special, you know. Every once in a while, we pretend like he got a good one in. Just smile and nod, guys.}

I'll admit that you've been fun to punch on all these years. In real life, I have zero tolerance for imbeciles. I just don't bother to hang around them or have them hang around me. As enjoyable as it is to get morons like you all riled up, you're still just morons who don't know when you're beat. In person, I have to leave, kick them out or beat the shit out of them. Here on Uber, whenever you get so damned stupid that I fear your special brand of fucknaut might become contagious, all I have to do is close the tab. Luckily, that never happens. You're an imaginary person living an imaginary life. The things you say have zero basis in reality so they have zero power in real life. Me bagging on you is the equivalent of me insulting Walter White. I wish you could understand that, but we can see from this post how much real-life power Uber has over you. Hey, it's just one more example of you needing to constantly stroke your own ego, so I understand.

Let's find out if I need you, though. Put your money where your mouth is, so to speak. You're about to get your big break, right? Leave. It's better for your career if you do, right? So go then. I'm pretty sure I'll make it just fine without you. But we'll never know until you try...

...but we all know you won't. You're the one on the precipice of fame and fortune, soon to be "making millions" and yet somehow still worried about leaving here. If I need this place and by proxy, you, then you must be mainlining it like a junkie.

I appreciate your offer of friendship but I must respectfully decline. The people I consider my friends know how to take and give jokes and I can correspond with them without running what they wrote through a babelfish translator. Oh, and we prefer to have our insults have some tiny basis in reality. You know, burns that actually burn.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-24 18:10:47 EDT (#)

Silvr- So you admit your wife is fat? I guess i've won. haha your mental, this site, me, this actually is something you look forward to, and fuels your day.. pathetic. if your swept away in a tornado, or this site crashed tomorrow. i wouldnt even remember a thing about you.. but you rememeber me.. need my friendship even.

Slivr, if you want to be friends, just ask, no need to keep trying to poke me with a stick, sheesh..

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-24 18:05:49 EDT (#)

I just watched a supposedly grown man and supposedly talented writer spend two days insulting himself and being too colossally dimwitted to realize when other users were insulting him. In his last desperate attempt to possibly insult me, he collapsed to the floor and started throwing a child-like tantrum, screaming "FAT WIFE! FAT WIFE! FAT WIFE!" at the top of his lungs.

Yeah, I'm mortally wounded. Great job, Perky! Let's see if you can keep this up. I've just started drinking and I'm pretty sure I can have you haplessly insulting your own mother before the evening's out.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-24 17:46:24 EDT (#)

Slivr- You're hurt, i know. Go play connect the dots on your fat wife's stomach, it'll kill the time. Also, Fyi, we can tell your poor, since your wife is the size of Pluto, and you havent left her.

Shlongy, I misspell the words, and syntax, just for you, Kingsly... i am an uber, alter, after all, right? hahaha

Submitted by Shlongy at 2016-10-24 17:32:01 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

It's "BEAR WITH ME", you fucking idiot.

I'm not convinced that perkman could successfully "write" an address on a postcard.

And even after getting abused for 6 years on this particular website, this future "writer" STILL doesn't know how or when to use you're, your and motherfuckin' yer.


Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-24 17:29:51 EDT (#)

A man makes a post composed ENTIRELY of bragging to strangers on the internet, solicits someone to share their own successes and dreams, then spends several comments talking about how bragging to strangers on the internet is pathetic. You're so goddamned stupid that you only insult yourself while trying to insult someone else. How the hell is that supposed to hurt me? I've been laughing at you for two straight days, you pitiful monkey. You're my own personal retarded Pomeranian, trapped in a glass cage - a little teasing and WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! Dome-first into the glass you go, enraged spittle collecting at the corners of your mouth.

Enjoy your gala. I'm sure you're too clueless to realize that they're looking down on you, thinking about how you'll never be one of them. You're just not smart enough to fit in there, buddy. You can barely form a coherent sentence with or without spellcheck and trying to make it in a town built on creative writing. Think about that, Perky. As I've said before, perhaps your life's purpose is solely to serve as a warning to others.

Gotta go fire up the Egg but I'll be near the computer. Guests don't arrive 'til 7. I can continue to beat you up for a little bit longer if you like.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-24 17:04:47 EDT (#)

Slivr- that hurt? the truth hurts doesn't it? now go brag some more to a random guy on the internet you dont know.. pathetic. You serf. You actually think you're wealthy( hahahhahaha is what Shlongy and I are doing right now), it's behoove you to shut up, but you can't. haha I really touched a nerve huh? now go to your " make believe" party your having tonight( on a work night, at your age? yeah right). While I go to an actual gala, in hollywood. So you know, Hollywood parties and events are on Mon-Thurs, not on weekends, some insider information, serf.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-24 16:59:46 EDT (#)

I don't know who did the Uberboard post claiming to be me. Jokes about deceased parents cross the line, even for me. I will go ahead and apologize for whomever posted it, though.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-24 16:56:00 EDT (#)

And you get more rides from fags than you do dates with girls. Fact. What does that have to do with you being a failure at everything you've ever tried in life?

lol. You got nothing, little bitch-boy. You're flailing about my hands, my wife, my work - anything to take the attention away from the fact that I make more money than you and I'm more successful than you. It burns, doesn't it? See, I fell all the way to the bottom and climbed my way out. You chose to stay there and be the shit on someone's heel, dreaming about the day when you'll maybe, just maybe get picked up on a nicer heel.

P.S. If your stupid ass would just learn to use the voice function on your phone, your comments wouldn't look like the illiterate ramblings of a stroke victim. You know what? Never mind. You'd just find a way to fail at that, too.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-24 16:30:13 EDT (#)

Silvr- we all know your wife is the size of Pluto. Fact.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-24 16:13:24 EDT (#)

BWAHAHAHAHA! Jesus fucking Christ.

Tormentos: I'm afraid Perky might literally be too stupid to insult.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-24 16:09:32 EDT (#)

lol. Enjoy your ascent, Perky. You might even make it all the way up to the bottom of the barrel one day if you just dream hard enough.

You can keep pretending that I'm fixing cars or building sheds and that my 130lb wife is fat or whatever else you need to soothe your poor, battered ego. It might be all you have. (I do understand why you'd attack my wife, though - it's probably hard to get a date with nothing but a bus pass, a half-empty bottle of Fireball and an old dirty mattress behind the bus terminal).

If you were actually interested in what I do and weren't just some thin-skinned, disingenuous imbecile, you'd ask. But no, you found out that I already make 3 times what you make and you've been on Butthurt Blvd ever since. Here's a clue, Einstein: while you've spent the last ten years dreaming about being successful, I've spent the last ten years working, building and succeeding. And I owe it all to my calloused hands. Just how far have your calloused knees gotten you, little buddy?

See, all you have are dreams (well, that and a bitter entitlement complex, but I digress). I have an office. I have a website. I have an established clientele. I have an LLC. I have licensing and bonding. I have investors. I have a plan - a comprehensive business plan. Dreamers kiss ass, suck dick and hope that someone will finally give them their break. Planners make our breaks happen. We adapt. We overcome. We just... do.

Anyhow, I'm having a few friends over tonight for drinks and dinner, so I have to go for now. I'll probably have a hard time getting this bottle of Don Julio and package of filets open with my terribly calloused hands, but I'm sure I'll manage. Hey, maybe by this time next year, I can just hire you to do all that stuff for me! You should have your imagined salary all the way up to $100k by then. Don't worry - I would never call you a serf while you were in my employ. Maybe "Helper Monkey" or something catchy like that. See you soon.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-24 15:39:42 EDT (#)

Tormentos- I was typing from my i-phone, bare with me

Silvr- The fact that a post like this, about winning gets this much anger, and rage from you, speaks volumes. Not my fault your life is mundane, wife is fat, life is chasing cars for paychecks. I didnt raise you, sorry, blame your parents or area. i have a premiere to go tonight, celebs, producers, and writers. My hard, awesome, exclusive world.. your not invited, serf.

Submitted by Tormentos at 2016-10-24 15:31:03 EDT (#)

Wow, Porkman. Maybe you CAN actually write. That last bit was very image-provoking. I mean, reading it, I can almost see your eyes bulging and that vein at your left temple pulsating and the foam spewing from your mouth as you howl "GAWDAMMIT SLIVRWOOF AH WIULL KIULL YOO!" and savagely club the English language to a bloody pulp with your iPhone 4s.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-24 14:52:37 EDT (#)

Everyday you speak, you prove your more of a failure everyday Silvr... What does mentor mean? He's grooming me for the position, in fact I'm working with that company(as I've been for the last 4 months, he came meeting people etc..) you such a serf you think where I'm at now, is where I'm gonna be.. Really? I know since you think fixing broken cars is some noble profession, which for some it is, for you it's not. This wasn't your dream, and if I was, what hillbilly did you fall out of? Your tying to tun a tux life into a middle class one, with a wife the size of Pluto, I wouldn't tuck with oathmeals cock( I wouldn't even let you do tin oathy, com on, we're all better than that). Keep bragging to ransoms on the Internet. That last post just showed how lonely, pathetic, and a loser you are.. Catch you on the red carpet.. Not the one your wife the size of pluto just bleed on.. Serf.( now I know why my mentor tells me never to converse with poor people, all they'll do is hate you, and make you dumber in the process) good luck with your calloused hands retard. Hope you can afford a 401k.. Disgusting serf.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-24 10:44:26 EDT (#)

"like my mentor does, and my best friends dad."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love how you always call someone pathetic and then make the most pathetic statement you can possibly make directly after. First, you bragged in three straight posts about making $60k/year, then you bumped it up to $70,000 (I guess because no one here cared), and now a podunk country bumpkin tells you he cleared (you might wanna check the meaning of that word, btw) $200k this past year and you abandon yourself to hide behind your mentor and your best friend's dad. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Goddamn, son. Just because I made an armchair analysis of your ever-so-fragile psyche, doesn't mean you need to go out of your way to prove me right. When you don't even own a car and have failed at every job you've ever worked in life, you don't have the standing to tell others when they can and can't talk about money. I've spent more money this year than you've made in the last ten. I'm self-employed, profitable and expanding - you fetch coffee and donuts and otherwise whore yourself out for people who look down upon you as they step on your head. You're the orphan in Oliver Twist, "Please sir, may I have a another." I get paid, often a percentage in advance, to create things - you humiliate yourself in the hopes that someone will even take a look at what you've created and maybe, maybe one day you'll get paid for it. Give the pomposity and arrogance a rest, child - you don't even have the standing to wash my car.

It's okay, though. You HAVE to lash out at your betters. You HAVE to be incredulous and jealous when you've worked so hard on your goals, only to perennially come up short. It's not fair, right? How can a graying, ugly old construction business owner do better in life than you, you who are self-determined for greatness? So scream your weak, pitiful insults from the bottom of your port-a-potty. Perhaps if you scream loud enough and long enough, we here in our ivory towers can hear you... and laugh. You see, your flailing failing is amusing to us.

By the way, it's nice of you to show how disingenuous you are. You asked for my goals/dreams and would offer encouragement if I did so. You found out that I'm already making 3 times what you're currently making and went into a jealous apoplectic fit. Not that it wasn't expected, but it's not a good look. Hollywood is suiting you well, Perky. You want fake praise for your works and you have no intention of keeping your word if it makes someone look better than you. Now, if we can just get you to "totally flake out" on an important meeting, you'll finally be ALL California.

I'll leave you with a friendly clarification: nobles have their coffee brought to them; serfs are the ones who bring the coffee to the nobles. If you're playing fetch for your mentor, you're the serf. It would behoove you to remember that, lest they send you back to the fields. And speaking of coffee, my secretary just brought me a fresh cup. Toodles!

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2016-10-24 09:48:00 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I don't know what's more pathetic, your delusions or the fact that I bother to read them.

Submitted by Tarka at 2016-10-24 03:39:36 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I don't watch T.V.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-23 23:28:44 EDT (#)

Solve- hahah did I do touch a nerve? FYI, you sound pathetic and jealous. This is your life, this is the best that you could do? Wow.. Too bad no one will remember you, not even the fleas that will be at your funeral.. What a life well lived, I guess, "Road not taken" huh? Or typical, pathetic, middle class serf, for 200 Alex? Also, FYI, making 200000 grand a year, the. Paying employees doesn't make you rich.. Make 150,000-200,000 a week, than you can talk.. Like my mentor does, and my best friends dad. Serf.

Submitted by Tormentos at 2016-10-23 22:20:02 EDT (#)

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2016-10-23 19:39:18 EDT (#)

Ubersite IS like a fraternity, only gayer. Who knew such a thing was even possible.
This is the most insightful response I have ever seen on Über. Well played, Jeanneee.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-23 21:03:01 EDT (#)

Aw, now who's jealousy is showing, princess? It's okay, sweetie. I'll just keep winning and being awesome and you can keep fantasizing about it on Uber.

Enjoy your Fireball. I'm sipping on some Booker's Bluegrass. It's a real bourbon; you probably wouldn't know about it. Oooooo - now I'm douchey, pompous AND arrogant! I'm sure you'll find some more fags to give you a ride home.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-23 19:41:08 EDT (#)

Slivr- if you were doing so " great and grand" and had all these friends, accomplishments, and the like. You wouldn't have lashed out like an emotional women. When I was being nice, now I know your a douche.. A poor one at that.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2016-10-23 19:39:18 EDT (#)

Ubersite IS like a fraternity, only gayer. Who knew such a thing was even possible.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-23 17:13:03 EDT (#)

Hey dipshit, I have goals and dreams and I'm following them daily. I don't need to come here to Uber to tell four or five people that I'm doing so. But since you asked, I personally knocked down just under 200k last year and just opened a new business in DC, with plans to expand into Maryland and VA before the end of 2017. Thanks, but I don't need any encouragement from strangers on the internet. I have a spine and bank accounts.

You should spend less time assuming that you know so much about others when you obviously know so little about yourself. Your posts aren't inspirational or profound. They don't convey any emotion at all. They're a poorly assembled, poorly worded catalog of misplaced and misspelled whining missives, overflowing with egotistical posturing. What possible perspective change is there to be had in that? Do you want me to start like you so some kind of cognitive dissonance sets in where I don't see your steaming piles of dogshit for what they are? What kind of fake-ass praise is that and why would you want it? Congrats on becoming the fake-as-fuck egotistical Hollywood douchebag you so often lamented in your posts. Jesus fucking Christ, dude.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-23 16:45:55 EDT (#)

Slivr- hah! Nice to know you care.. Doesn't matter if you believe my, " big break" or not. It's happening. But I have " balls", to follow my dreams, my goals, what I want out of my life. I won't spend my life reading about, or looking up to other men's accomplishments, I go get my own. I do embellish on my pain here a bit( fuck, I'm artistic,and a bit emo), but that's how writers are. We feel stuff differently, we can actually process and write with words what we feel at that exact moment, though it's fleeting, it's the initial emotion, and I write that way.

I'm going to lighten up, my rotund friend. Do me a favor, make up a goal, or a real dream, that you've had, actually go for it, and try it, I'll encourage you( I love seeing people win in life), then tell me how it was, and whom supported you and what you learned. Then re-read some of my posts, you'll have a very different perspective on perkman..

Catch you in nirvana..

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-23 16:36:38 EDT (#)


Since you reacted so well to my little jab at you, I'm going to be nice here and only unload one barrel.

That's an awful lot of vitriol for someone who just got their big break. Shouldn't you be in the throes of happiness right now? No... Instead, you make a feeble attempt to burn me which, in reality, is just some barely coherent rambling where you inevitably pivot to propping yourself up and patting yourself on the back. You can't even insult someone without stroking your own fragile ego in the same sentence. You can get the same effect by simply masturbating to your own reflection in the mirror and you'd look a lot less stupid in the process... maybe.

See, Perky, humping your own ego is all you do here. It's your entire posting history. You either come here to whine about how the world is unfair to you and that no one recognizes how awesome you are or you come to here to crow (mainly to yourself) about your alleged achievements. You love to play this, "I should/have to/am going to be forced to leave Uber" game, too, which is even more revealing about your fortitude. You're so transparently insecure and weak it should be hilarious, but it's just not anymore. Your need to constantly self-affirm yourself has been an endless source of humor for us here on Uber, but the sad reality is that it reveals a severe defect in your character as a man. Your need to constantly project this tough guy hero image, triumphing over adversity is likely stemming from an ineffectual life punctuated with a long string of failures (sports, college, car ownership) and what-ifs (familial, platonic and intimate relationships). It's all pretty pitiful, but if it keeps you from taking a header off an overpass, then by all means, go for it.

To summarize and close: lighten up, take a deeper look within yourself, no one here believes you about your big break (your ego's history here says you wouldn't be able to help yourself from actually proving it to us if it were true), and we all look forward to the next episode of Perky's Failboat Funstravaganza.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-23 15:39:58 EDT (#)

Jealousy looks horrible on you Sivr... But you've worn it your whole life, it suits you. Shlongy is crass, yet delightful, like the asshole successful drunken uncle, that votes for Trump. Not for his policies, but due to economics...

You on the other hand, a calloused handed, mechanic, that looks over at your wife, the size of Pluto, sighs, goes to work on your cars, and buying "work trucks" then go troll websites, YouTube, and look up " ghettos, or hood rats" or " meth addiction" not in a bid for enlightenment or to help.. But to lie to yourself, and convince your self you're a " winner in life. See? I'm better than the bum over there"... Which you barely are.. Then, you smile and cuss at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, in jealous rage.. Since theyr You successful, loved, and rich. You didn't even have the balls to try... But I'll win for you, put you on my back.. I'm getting their bud, and I'll have millions soon enough, maybe even an golden globe.. Just root for me, you need something in your life that can win. I'll be that for you.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2016-10-23 12:38:53 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

"When I listened to the rest of the message, the caller laughed hysterically, said they were just yanking my chain and told me I was pre-approved for a Discover Card with a low, low interest rate of only 29.99%! I haven't walked to the bus stop with that much spring in my step in years!"

Submitted by Tormentos at 2016-10-23 01:44:31 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Well you've done it now, Clarence.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-22 14:06:27 EDT (#)

Shlongy.. If only you knew whom i was.. Haha, alas, still a funny asshole.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-22 14:06:27 EDT (#)

Shlongy.. If only you knew whom i was.. Haha, alas, still a funny asshole.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2016-10-22 12:36:16 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You added an extra zero to your income, Sparky.

You're in a tense Uber battle with oathmeal for "Most Pathetic" so don't quit now.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2016-10-22 02:42:11 EDT (#)

Okay, this as written by my automatic spellcheck on my I-phone... So please bare with me, I'm 9 shots of Fireball in.. But love you guys..

Oooh ... maca-ma-damia nuts.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart's Dog Gets an F