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Quitting smoking doesn't have to be hard, you just have to not be a fucking pussy about it.

Submitted by Flack at 2018-09-05 16:40:41 EDT
Rating: 0.8 on 10 ratings (13 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I used to have a horrible smoking habit. It truly was gross as hell. I smoked for 21 years since the age of 14 before I finally put them down for good. By the time I quit, I was smoking about a pack and a half per day, more when I would drink.

Over the years I had attempted, and failed, at quitting numerous times. In the over 20 years I smoked, the longest I went without a cigarette was 10 weeks of basic training in 2003. But as soon as I saw my little sister at family day, I told her "GIVE ME A GOD DAMN CIGARETTE FUCK!"

Nicotine Replacement Therapy? Tried it multiple times and went about 2 weeks at the longest.

Acupuncture? Didn't do fucking shit.

Vaping? Made me look like I was sucking a robot dick and just crave cigarettes even more.

Chantix? Gave me horrible dreams that really made me PTSD all over the place and I still smoked while taking it.

Allen Carr's "Easyway to Quit Smoking?" Read it 3 times, listened to the audio-book twice and still smoked.

I honestly thought I was destined to smoke until it killed me. I had basically resigned myself to the idea that I was hopelessly addicted and that I would never be able to know what its like to not wake up hacking up phlegm, not having my sheets smell like cigarettes and ballsweat, and not being able to hike a mountain trail without wanting to fucking die.

And then my sister got pregnant. No you fucking idiot, I didn't knock her up... My brother in law did that. But she had to quit smoking because of it and she did it with a lot of grace. She wasn't being a holier-than-thou cunt about it, she wasn't letting the withdrawal turn her into a bitch and all of a sudden she started to look...well.. pregnant as fuck... but much healthier.

She told me that if I needed an excuse to quit smoking ever, then being a good uncle and setting forth a good example for my niece is as good as any. My sister is pretty fucking smart.

So I stopped smoking. I did it completely cold turkey. The only crutches I used were fruit juice, deep breathing exercises, and a little fidget box to fuck with when I'm driving. When I would use NRT, I would get the worst pangs for cigarettes ever. Same with vaping. Its what caused me to fail. But this time, once I was over the initial physical withdrawal, it was nothing.

The fruit juice (cranberry worked best) kept my mouth tasting so acidic that the idea of smoking after drinking it was repugnant. If I did ever have a craving (which was so god damned mild I don;t think it could be considered a legit craving) I just did a deep breathing exercise I learned in Yoga that took less than a minute (as opposed to the 5 it would have taken me to smoke). The fidget box keeps my free hand busy when I'm driving. Its stupid, but it helps.

And here is the best part: I don't feel the need to drink massive amounts of juice as I continue being a non-smoker, I do the breathing exercises less as the cravings get weaker, and I lost that fucking fidget box and I could honestly care less.

So there you go. Don't smoke, its fucking gross. If you smoke, you should eat shit (probably healthier for you than the cigarette anyways) and go fuck yourself (also healthier than smoking).

Oh yeah, one more thing. When you quit smoking, your dick gets bigger. True story.

You're welcome.

Review This Item




Submitted by Unabonger at 2018-10-29 23:44:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Do your sheets no longer smell like ball sweat? Asking for a friend.

Submitted by Hashtag at 2018-10-09 07:59:23 EDT (#)
Rating: -2


Submitted by RoadSong at 2018-09-19 18:41:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I would never consider becoming addicted to a substance that didn’t get me high

Submitted by Murphy1844 at 2018-09-12 01:18:53 EDT (#)

This has the tone of a military man, which I find to be needlessly manly, but your aim towards honesty is admirable. The actual content is boring and, again, needlessly didactic.


Submitted by Bestmate2 at 2018-09-09 14:24:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bloody brilliant. The ghost of my beloved Uber past, has come a calling. “Sucking a robot dick”, just did it pour moi.

Submitted by blackbear at 2018-09-09 00:21:41 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2018-09-07 17:55:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good on ya.

I quit after I got out of the Navy, back in 1986. Purely for financial reasons. I calc'd I was spending about $800 a year on smokes, and I realized I could buy a new Les Paul for that. A new Les Paul very year, I thought, so I quit cold turkey. Like you, I was over the bad part in 2-3 days and haven't smoked cigarettes since. Took me another 15 years to finally get my first Les Paul, but before that I had to spend that money on things like food and college.

I just calc'd: 2 packs a day is about $4000/yr these days, and a nice LP is only a bit more than half of that. Gibson can use the money more than Phillip Morris, and playing guitar gets you laid while smoking gets you laid to rest. Make good choices, kids.

Also: the quit-smoking-and-your-dick-gets-bigger thing is totally true.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2018-09-06 16:31:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nobody likes a quitter.


P.S. No Burt Reynolds RIP yet? You guys are loosing your edge.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2018-09-06 13:10:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

(lights up a joint and nods in agreement)

Submitted by Flack at 2018-09-06 10:49:17 EDT (#)

Submitted by Shlongy at 2018-09-06 10:07:59 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I quit smoking cigarettes November 1, 2015, with a little help from Chantix. Switched to cigars.

Now I'm a fatass but that's the way it goes.

I bet your sheets still smell like ballsweat, though.


I live with my girlfriend so now its a mix of ballsweat and holestank.

Did your dick get bigger?

Submitted by Shlongy at 2018-09-06 10:07:59 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I quit smoking cigarettes November 1, 2015, with a little help from Chantix. Switched to cigars.

Now I'm a fatass but that's the way it goes.

I bet your sheets still smell like ballsweat, though.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2018-09-05 23:40:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good for you man. I finally quit too, it was easy because for some reason cigarettes started making me puke every time I smoked one so I was able to quit with basically no effort. I still crave one from time to time, but knowing I will spend the next 2 hours with my head in the toilet helps me resist.

Submitted by Perk "Grownman Perkiness" man at 2018-09-05 20:01:45 EDT (#)

I did blow for 2-3 months, then stopped cold turkey. Will never touch it again.

Quit drinking, and I'm not gonna drink for 4 months it seems. It's fine though.


Marge: Homer, you're his father. You've got to reason with him.

Homer: Oh, that never works. He's a goner!

Bart the Daredevil