The Ubersite Death Knell Roll CallSubmitted by OathMeal at 2018-11-16 00:44:43 EST
Rating: 1.66 on 14 ratings (19 reviews) (V)
We are gathered here today to finally acknowledge the comatose state of our beloved Ubersite.
With the recognition that this sordid depository of filth is imminently reaching its final row of $5.99/month GoDaddy hosting fees, we take time not to cry because it's over, but to smile because it happened.
Ubersite nursed the motley nature within us all, granting us a peener-laden respite from the soul-eroding drudgery that *is* the world around us. For some, this place reminded us that the extremities of our own twisted imaginations paled in comparison to the abject depravity that was always just a click away, on Ubersite.
The alts. The trolls. The sausage fingers. The prosthetic legs. The equally fake jewelry. The homoerotic jet ski joyrides. The goatse. The autism. The insufferably addictive tete-a-tete. The pervasive evidence of truly out-of-control mental instability.
...and, yes, the re: 16 year olds.
It all combined to serve some of us with a predictable, reliable sense of comfort. On days when life just piled on too much for us to stand, when it didn't seem like there was a glint of hope to be found, Ubersite shone bright in the smothering dark, calling out as if with a promise: "Click here, and you'll never be bored at work again."
But, the 11th hour is upon us. What was once a fervent gush of internet novelty has desiccated into a lifeless, embarrassing husk that barely registers a vital sign.
I know it. You know it.
And so, before the last semblance of life is exhaled here, and while there is still some modicum of expressive juice left to squeeze from this stone, let us come together and make our presences known in this, The Ubersite Death Knell Roll Call.
I summon those of you who were, who are, and who wanted to be, but never were.
We raise our poorly drawn candles, and we give thanks to the Barticus for his impossibly good taste in time wasting.
Perkman was my alter all along.jpg