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Futility

Submitted by itchy at 2003-10-01 18:15:51 EDT
Rating: 2.0 on 28 ratings (28 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Question Authority.

I am somewhat of a connoisseur of bumper stickers. Once upon a time, I dreamt of writing bumper stickers as my life’s work (don’t laugh, I’m serious). Imagine the satisfaction the person who wrote “Commit random acts of kindness and senseless acts of compassion,” must feel as they go to bed each night, knowing their simple message of peace and love is reaching so many. I wanted that satisfaction for myself. That is, until I saw the “question authority” bumper sticker.

Initially I was taken aback by the power of the statement. I knew I could come up with nothing more concise, nothing more breathtakingly simple. It contains an entire worldview in two glorious words. Brilliant.

This masterpiece became my ideal.

But as with most ideals, under the pressure of constant scrutiny, in time, it crumbled.

Imagine if you will, a young man recently come to University scribbling frantically in the wee hours of the night (Keep in mind that the young man is me, for when the change in perspective kicks in later). A single 45-watt fluorescent bulb lighting his workspace in an effort to keep from waking his sleeping roommate in the cramped confines of their dilapidated dorm room. A pile of crumpled papers teeters precariously above his refuse bin nearby.

“Drink beer,” he writes. No.

Another crumpled piece of paper joins its brethren in purgatory.

“Chicks rule,” he tries again. Maybe, but . . . no.

Somewhere, a forest weeps.

“Got Milk?” Not a fucking chance in hell.

And just as he prepares to come up with another artful metaphor for a piece of paper being thrown in the trash, it hits him. Epiphany accompanied by the sound of crystal shattering.

“Waitaminute, was she a great big fat person?”

Oops, I mean . . .

“Hold the phone!

“Question Authority” is a statement. Not a question, a statement. It is addressed to the reader. It COMMANDS the reader to do something.

To tell someone to do anything, by implication necessitates some level of authority of the person telling over the person told. Otherwise decency dictates a request; a question; at the very least, a “please.”

Authority . . .

Question Authority . . . .

And then, clarity.


Who the FUCK are YOU to TELL ME to question ANYTHING?! You presumptuous ASS!

THIS is what it sounds like when doves cry. This whole time, he had been working, striving, aching to achieve an ideal that is, in the end either a) completely hypocritical in that it requires the reader to question all authority but its own, or b) is self-defeating in that it must be the target of its own spite. The futility of it all!

Damn you logic, damn you all to hell!

His idols torn down, his dreams killed, the young man did what was left to him. He became an alcoholic attorney.

The end.






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Submitted by boomslang at 2005-11-15 10:00:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

yes i see your disdain for the hippies in this post. this is where it began isn't it?

at some point you hear "woah, bummer" "no worries" and "i'm totally stoked"

so many times that the next time you want to slam a brick straight into their teeth and ruin

their "i don't need to shower to be respected in society" attitude

Submitted by Call911 at 2005-11-15 09:55:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The world needs more alcholics

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-11-15 09:44:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ha

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-15 09:39:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

For a moment I thought this was the story of how Teeph came into being.

Submitted by shandythedog at 2005-11-15 09:17:50 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Got Milk?

now THAT would be a bumPer sticker.

Submitted by Circe at 2005-11-15 09:00:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is spectacular. I miss itchy and I hate you for killing him.

Not really.

Well, i miss, like, itchy's quality posts but i don't hate you because your posts are also quality, naturally...

uh.

Yeah, i'll be going.

Submitted by Merlina at 2005-02-02 06:33:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

excellent

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-02-02 06:29:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You are a fan of logic aren't you?


Submitted by UltraJesus4000 at 2003-12-09 18:42:39 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Insanethemind at 2003-10-27 11:34:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Got Milk?" Not a fucking chance in hell.

---------------------------------------------------

ha ha ha'




nice.

Submitted by loki at 2003-10-27 09:23:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

**Who the FUCK are YOU to TELL ME to question ANYTHING?! You presumptuous ASS!**

HAHAHAH

I like:

get it, sit down, hang on, and shut up

or the always appropriate

ass, grass, or cash nobody rides for free

good times

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-10-25 10:36:50 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You suck

Submitted by bargled at 2003-10-20 01:42:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Kicker of all ass(+2)

Submitted by WillZone at 2003-10-17 12:20:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Perserve the +2.

Will

Submitted by Goulash at 2003-10-17 08:38:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for originality and good writing

Submitted by shortgerbal at 2003-10-07 14:14:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i thought that was a cool sticker until you made me think with your cursed logic...

Submitted by jumpinjellyfish at 2003-10-02 16:42:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Great!

Submitted by Beer_bong at 2003-10-02 01:02:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Groovy

Submitted by PeopleAreStrange at 2003-10-01 20:16:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Aye.

Submitted by YellowDragon at 2003-10-01 20:05:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Such power, such simplicity. Actually, "Hold the Phone!" would make a good bumper sticker... *strokes beard in a pondering sort of manner.*

Submitted by PWNstar at 2003-10-01 19:34:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Damn you logic, damn you all to hell!"
+2 for the Planet of the Apes reference.

Submitted by sam_el at 2003-10-01 19:25:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wow, that's an interesting conundrum.

By the way, I live in California and can't wait to slap on my car the "Don't Blame Me, I Voted for a Legitimate Candidate" bumper sticker.

Submitted by Acarnis at 2003-10-01 19:16:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is quality.

Submitted by glam_daddy at 2003-10-01 19:07:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Somewhere, a forest weeps"

+2 for that alone.

reading this i laughed out loud. twice.

very well written.

Submitted by ScoutCJustice at 2003-10-01 18:58:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Logic fucks me over on a daily basis.

Submitted by Alaina at 2003-10-01 18:49:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Anjie at 2003-10-01 18:37:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is what is sounds like when doves cry....

+2 for a Prince reference

Submitted by JMG114 at 2003-10-01 18:28:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*Clap* *Clap* *Clap* *Clap* *Clap*

Bravo!


Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest,
ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Substitute