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The Libs. Care not at all about American children, but cry over illegal immigrant kids.
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Fate Tells Me "Don't Go to the Gym." But...fuck fate.

Submitted by WillZone at 2003-11-06 09:33:05 EST
Rating: 1.73 on 57 ratings (57 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

When you walk down a New York City street, you are almost guaranteed to be flooded with postcards, coupons, flyers, and business cards for just about everything. There’s Men’s Suits on sale today. Some standup comic needs to get people to go to his shows. Porno places have porno postcards advertising their wears. A painter hands out a business card, hoping and praying for a phone call. You can’t miss it.

As a person who has handed out postcards on the corner I know how difficult it is to get people to just take the card, let alone go to your show or sale. When I hand out cards, I give them to everyone I see. Families. Business types. tourists. Blue collar guys on the job. dog walkers. cell phone talker. I leave no human un-carded…cause, you never know who they are and what they are into. Maybe that Asian tourist group really does want to see an improv show at 11PM on a Monday night…you never know. The rule is, give a post card to everyone.

Which brings me to my point. My story. My rant.

I’m walking down Park ave, it’s a beautiful day. I’m not listening to music, I’m taking in the city. Up ahead of me I notice a guy with postcards. I’m intrigued. I see that everyone in front of me is getting a card and he’s got a mammoth stack in his hands. He’s right outside of some gym, and he’s in, what appears to be, work-out clothes. A wardrobe that is completely foreign to me. These are the same clothes that I wear around the house before bed, during sleep time and when I wake up. Those are my work-out clothes. I guess the old saying is true….One’s mans gym shorts is another mans pajama bottom.

I lost myself there. Back to the story.

So now I’m excited. I’m gonna get a postcard! I find they are fun to read up until I get to the next trash can. Only once in a blue moon will I keep the card more than 2 minutes after I get it. But, I think fate was involved with this particular situation.. See, I’ve been putting some serious thought into the idea of going to a gym. I know a lot of people who can’t stop raving about the good its done to their lives. More energy. Starts the day nice and early…lose weight, feel great. The whole nine. So, I’ve been reading up on gyms and costs, and figuring out if I have the will (zone) power to do it. So this was a perfect opportunity for me to see what this gym was offering.

Enter Mr. Fate.

I’m sure to maneuver myself so I’m right in the line of fire of this guys postcard stance. I smile as I see the 3 or 4 people ahead of me get their postcard and read it as they stroll down Park Ave. My turn. I’m about 10 feet away from the guy. My hand prematurely reaches out for a postcard. The guy, not even looking into my eyes, but seeing my reach, turns his body around and avoids my outstretched hand. A missed handoff. Should I turn around? Should I stop and ask the guy for a postcard? I ponder this as I get to the corner.

I want that damn postcard. Dude denied me. I’m going back. I make it seem like I forgot something (like anyone cares or notices) and turn around and head back for Muscles. Again, I’m lined up. 5 feet away. I have eye contact now. I go for the card and he fucking denies me again. I pass him, hands empty.

What? Did I wrong this man? Did he assume I was too fat to join a gym? I was convinced and hurt by this realization. Too fat to join a gym? Aren’t I the key clientele? I hang down the at the end of the block and watch this man work. I see a fat woman, busting out at the seams, and this dude makes an extra effort to get a postcard in her hands. That’s it. I’m peeved. I’m taking another pass. I deserve a postcard.

Again. Eye contact. Hand outward. DE-fucking-Nied! I’m furious. This guy is gonna get a piece of an angry Zone.

“Hi, Can I get a postcard?” I state with a fake smile.


“No? Don’t you want my business?”

“Actually, No.” he says with a smile.

“Why, am I too fat for your gym?" I begin to rant and rave, "Sorry that my body needs the kind of work that only a facility like yours can provide. Sorry that I like to eat…..”

“Calm down, sir.”

“Calm down? I am calm. I’m cool. I’m as cool as the fucking ice storm in your black little heart. Give me a damn postcard.”

“No. I’m sorry sir. This card is not for you.” He says as he hands a card to beautiful blonde business woman.

Friends. I’ve never been so angry and confused. This guy must think that I raped his mother while shooting his children, he's so mad at me.

“Well, I’m taking one anyway.” and I rip a postcard from his hands. I don’t even read it till I’m out of his sight.

I smile. I’ve won. But no Zoney my boy, you are King Loser. I now realize why I’m not supposed to have this card. It reads:

"Special: Ladies Only Discount."

I’m a tool.

Oh uber, what I wouldn’t do to take that moment back....or become a woman! [whew, what a breakthru!]



Review This Item




Submitted by Jacobt26 at 2006-03-09 07:55:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Kraven (user info) at 2005-01-24 08:41:55 (#)
Ranking: 1

Was a good post, but im wondering... how the fuck those medacine balls are not popping!
If you look closely, they aren't medicine balls. They aren't even completely spherical.
Take a good look and you can tell that they're actually fat women.

Submitted by Walker at 2006-03-09 07:09:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Very funny!

Submitted by Kraven at 2005-01-24 08:41:55 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Was a good post, but im wondering... how the fuck those medacine balls are not popping!

Submitted by Kichigai at 2004-04-29 09:18:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by WillZone at 2004-04-19 15:27:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Yea, who's refreshing my post!!!! You tell em TAK!

Submitted by TaK at 2004-04-14 11:25:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Why was this just filling up the Recently Viewed?

Who's refreshing this post?

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-12 07:30:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by gunhoun14 at 2004-02-22 03:34:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by AJ at 2004-02-14 11:24:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-29 17:14:36 EST (#)
Rating: -2

why do all these stories SUCK?

Submitted by regoddamndiculous at 2003-12-09 21:34:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good stuff, the picture was icing on the cake.

Mmmm, cake.

Submitted by PeopleAreStrange at 2003-12-07 13:45:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Space hoppers!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-28 11:25:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny story dude.

Whats this guy below talking about gay marriages for? Denial maybe?

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-27 17:29:29 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Ya that's right you loser don't work out ! You aren't worth being alive more than you already are !

P.s- Don't support Gay marriages unless you are gay !

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-18 22:16:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I love it....like your babys momma likes gucci.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-18 22:14:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny stuff dude!

Submitted by JoeAverage at 2003-11-18 20:50:31 EST (#)
Rating: -2

This sucks ass, and you should read why Women should SHUT THE FUCK UP:


Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-17 22:28:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I could see it coming but very funny all the same go u!

Submitted by neoSamurai at 2003-11-17 10:57:24 EST (#)
Rating: 0


Could it be the HOP 45 ball? Check the site. http://www.toysensation.com/b/Balls/

Submitted by RandomlyAbsurd at 2003-11-17 03:02:40 EST (#)
Rating: 0

That was great!

Submitted by Quartermain at 2003-11-15 14:36:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

**Those medicine balls remind me of those things I used to bounce on when I was a kid, with the little handle you hold onto? Does anyone remember what they're called?**

I think they were called 'hippety-hops' but I could be wrong.

Submitted by orion at 2003-11-15 14:12:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Goshinga at 2003-11-14 21:56:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Absolutely hilarious. You are my hero.


Submitted by Hairsphincter at 2003-11-14 18:37:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you goose

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-14 18:29:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by shadow at 2003-11-14 18:00:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by WillZone at 2003-11-14 09:45:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow. It made it to Bored at Work. Sweet. Go Bart! Check out my other posts by clicking USER INFO, next to my name.

Uber 4eva!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-13 22:51:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow, that was hilarious.

Submitted by Goatboy69 at 2003-11-13 21:36:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That picture alone is worth the 2 ranking.

Submitted by EvilZurr at 2003-11-13 18:11:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Special: Ladies Only Discount."

how sexist is that?

Submitted by natsthename at 2003-11-13 16:11:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

"I deserve a postcard."

You also deserve +2. Great!

Submitted by antluvdog at 2003-11-13 11:59:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You asshole!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-13 11:00:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

What I wouldn't give to be the sweat glands in the ass cracks of those women

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-11-13 10:50:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by WillZone at 2003-11-07 08:21:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Almost a perfect 2. so close, yet so far. one day, my friends I will create the perfect post.


Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 at 2003-11-07 00:46:24 EST (#)
Rating: 1

This is great.

Submitted by volklcess at 2003-11-06 19:48:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is the greatest thing I've read all day. My day sucked up until I read this and now I'm happy as shit because this was such a great post.

Submitted by Choppa at 2003-11-06 19:39:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by hcp28 at 2003-11-06 13:44:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

great post! It rocked my cock off.

Submitted by boredgirl112 at 2003-11-06 12:45:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hilarious especially since that kind of stuff happens to me all the time. Well it's good to know I'm not alone.

Submitted by virgil at 2003-11-06 12:39:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

mwa hahahhaha

Submitted by psyduck at 2003-11-06 11:37:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Kristen at 2003-11-06 11:37:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awww, they look like they're having so much fun! Those medicine balls remind me of those things I used to bounce on when I was a kid, with the little handle you hold onto? Does anyone remember what they're called?

Submitted by jinx at 2003-11-06 11:32:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

1/4 of a mile = 4 m&m's
keep on truckin.

Submitted by loki at 2003-11-06 11:26:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That picture is just wrong.

Submitted by sam_el at 2003-11-06 11:15:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I kind of saw it coming, but still a good read.

Submitted by BuffWizard at 2003-11-06 11:03:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pimpbuster at 2003-11-06 10:55:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Eww, fatties! (the pic)

Submitted by RogerWaters at 2003-11-06 10:06:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by streetpunk at 2003-11-06 10:01:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahaha, fuck that guy!!! that's sexist. sue sue sue

Submitted by streetpunk at 2003-11-06 09:54:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

haha, you said "but fuck." ok, now I will read the post.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2003-11-06 09:54:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2



Submitted by itchy at 2003-11-06 09:51:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Calm down? I am calm. I'm cool. I'm as cool as the fucking ice storm in your black little heart. Give me a damn postcard."

Remind me never to break of a piece of angry Zone. This was awesome. Fucking segregation wasn't right for the schools, you can bet your bippy it ain't right for the gym. You my friend are a victim of sexual descrimination.

Submitted by potatomanjack at 2003-11-06 09:44:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Bellebrown at 2003-11-06 09:40:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Dont you oppress me!

Submitted by NutSack at 2003-11-06 09:40:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Very nice story :D

"Friends. I've never been so angry and confused. This guy must think that I raped his mother while shooting his children, he's so mad at me."

Sooooooooo funny!!!

"I'm a tool."



+4 if i could.

waitin for your next piece :D

Submitted by Method at 2003-11-06 09:40:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh, what I wouldnt pay to be in the gym when a fat lady that sat on one of those balls popped it. That would amuse me to no extent.

Good post, by the way.

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!

Homer: He was a zombie?

Treehouse of Horror III