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Yuppie Convinced By Fiance To Buy Eiffel Tower Picture At Pottery Barn

Submitted by ryandonovan at 2003-11-29 17:13:21 EST
Rating: 1.78 on 24 ratings (24 reviews) (Review this item) (V)


CHICAGO, IL – After only two weeks of engagement, Todd McTier was convinced by his fiancé, Cyndi Kennison, to purchase a framed Eiffel Tower photograph Saturday at Pottery Barn. The couple plans to hang the large black and white photo in McTier’s condominium, where Kennison will live after their wedding.

“Cyndi said it would look great in the condo for our Wine Party next month,” said McTier, a yuppie resident of upper-class Chicago neighborhood Lincoln Park.

“Even though it was the least interesting picture of Paris they had, Cyndi really liked it, so I guess I’m happy with it,” said McTier, with feigned cheer.

When asked to describe his previous wall decorations, McTier gushed excitedly about “this really cool Michael Jordan ‘Wings’ poster. I built a frame for it and everything. But Cyndi said it had to go because it didn’t go with the décor that she had envisioned.” After a moment of reflection, he added, “Looking back, I realize she was right. Besides, the poster was really wide, and it would have been hard to find a frame for it in the right shade of goldenrod.”

Asked whether he had ever been to Paris, or even Europe, McTier replied, “No.”

“See, I always used to think that a picture on your wall should have some personal significance. But Cyndi wisely corrected my ignorance,” said McTier, with all the conviction of a trained puppy. “I used to have several photographs on my wall that I took while on a road trip. It was a photo essay on the plight of Rural America,” he said proudly. “But Cyndi suggested that I take them down.”

“You mean his little art project? The colors didn’t go with the room’s sage color scheme. Neither did the hideous poor people,” responded Kennison, an employee with a vague job description at a marketing firm based in downtown Chicago. “I told him he could hang them in the laundry room.”

“And please don’t ask him any more questions. Talking only makes Todd sound stupid,” added Kennison, who referred to McTier as “The Wallet” several times during the interview.

Although the engagement occurred two weeks ago, records show that Kennison has been registered at Pottery Barn for nearly seven months. When questioned about this, she responded, “Todd’s proposal was regrettably not on my timetable. Back at Vandy, the gals and I made a pact: Jewelry before sex, and registration at Pottery Barn before 25. I wasn’t about to let Todd’s laziness stand in the way of my dream.”

According to Kennison’s best friend, Mimi Findlay, “Cyndi’s not afraid to withhold sex or whip up sympathy tears to get what she wants. I admire her courage.” Findlay also claimed to have taught Kennison the technique of “yelling at our fiancés like they’re little boys.”

A member of Kennison’s pilates class, who was granted anonymity for her candor, said, “One time Cyndi and I were talking about home furnishings, and I off-handedly remarked that I thought IKEA had some great stuff. After that, she basically stopped speaking to me.”

When asked about the service at Pottery Barn, McTier responded, “The saleswoman was very friendly, and kindly helped us avoid the cheaper items. She was also very attractive. Wait – Can you not print that last part? Cyndi might get mad.”

Before McTier could describe other aspects of his life that he planned on letting his fiancé run, he was interrupted by Kennison tugging at his sleeve and chirping, “AmEx, AmEx, AmEx.”

McTier and Kennison planned to spend the rest of the afternoon shopping for an armoire. “I’m not really sure what an armoire is,” McTier said. “But I’m pretty certain I need one.”

Review This Item




Submitted by TonyMontana at 2004-06-11 22:24:52 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

What the fuck, how is this shit getting +2s?? It wasn't even funny, it was just a shitty version of the writing style of The Onion. Dude, your boring ass movie reviews and your complete sharking of The Onion's ORIGINAL writing format is not going to land you a successful writing career anywhere. You're not original, and you're not funny or entertaining. In short, go fuck yourself, dumbass.

Submitted by Natophelia at 2004-02-12 11:41:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Ingsoc at 2004-01-29 19:13:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I love Ryan Donovan and this is a great clip

Submitted by Hairsphincter at 2004-01-17 18:59:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well done. Passed the google test and all.

Submitted by No.9 at 2003-12-19 00:12:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's funny shit.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2003-12-01 10:47:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This reads like an Onion article.

Fucking sound.

Submitted by loki at 2003-12-01 10:39:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by QueenBea at 2003-11-30 02:52:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hahahah, sad but true really, there are people like her alive.


Submitted by Phinch at 2003-11-30 02:36:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

what nicole said.

Submitted by Zeccs at 2003-11-29 20:41:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by hidden101 at 2003-11-29 20:06:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by cshape at 2003-11-29 19:56:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

nice =P

Submitted by cindy at 2003-11-29 19:07:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

funny, clever

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2003-11-29 18:40:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Beer_bong at 2003-11-29 18:02:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Thats scary.

Submitted by hcp28 at 2003-11-29 17:56:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Stupac, you should be looking at your own stuff when you say that.

Submitted by Stupac at 2003-11-29 17:48:45 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Was that supposed to be funny?

Submitted by Ingsoc at 2003-11-29 17:47:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sublime- all his stuff has two titles.

Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 at 2003-11-29 17:45:13 EST (#)
Rating: 1


Submitted by EvilZurr at 2003-11-29 17:37:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

sucks to be married to her

Submitted by sublime at 2003-11-29 17:28:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

2 titles 2 titles

Submitted by Nicole3 at 2003-11-29 17:28:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AHAHA - very Onionesque. I had to check just to make sure I hadn't inadvertently missed a story.

Submitted by bart at 2003-11-29 17:25:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

that's awesome

Submitted by hcp28 at 2003-11-29 17:18:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

awesome, that's why I feel sorry for those poor bastards... good thing I'll never be one of.

Hold on... my wife is calling.

Homer: Hey, Burns! Eat my shorts!

Burns: Who the Sam Hill was that?

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