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Submitted by NotApologizing at 2003-12-01 12:39:04 EST
Rating: 1.88 on 58 ratings (58 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I was thinking about how fortunate I am to have two functional hands. Don’t ask me why, but I realized how much it would suck to have only one hand and just a nub on the other arm. In fact, I would gladly sacrifice motion in my elbow and wrist if I must to ensure normal motion of my fingers and hand. Imagine for a moment that you were missing your non-dominant hand… Done? Well here’s a list of things that I personally would not be able to do if I had only one hand.

1) Type really fast. I can type fast. It’s not that I have an administrative job, it’s just that I have a really developed typing ability. If I had only one hand, I would type words like this: M lo you lon im. With both hands I can type ‘Me love you long time’.

2) Steady myself on the shitter. I use the handicap shitters because of the bars. They let you steady yourself after the deposit, while using the other hand to clean. You might be able to steady yourself with a nub, but they look really slippery and I am sure I’d slip and knock my sandwich off the top of the toilet paper dispenser.

3) Video games. I have tried to play video games with one hand. It totally sucks. The only type of game you could play would be those ones like Dragon’s Lair where you just press one button at a time to pick right or left, sword or block. And we all know that game sucked. It was like a choose-your-own-adventure book but without the good story. Besides, I always thought Dirk was a pretty-boy pussy.

4) Karate. Karate means ‘empty hand’. How can something be empty if you don’t have it? It’s not like you can punch effectively with your sensitive and slippery nub. And there’s no way you could effectively execute the quart-‘a-blood technique on 9~10 cops with just a nub. That guy from the Bruce Lee movies is the only dude who could fight with a nub. But he had to modify it to allow screw-on attachments; and I just don’t have that kind of money.

5) Doggy style. How are you going to lean over and grab BOTH breasts with just a nub? Moreover, how could you effectively grab/spank dat ass with just one hand? You couldn’t. No girl would want you if you couldn’t grab both cheeks firmly and give the occasional spank. Nub spanks are not playful or sexy--they hurt.

6) Change channels while jerking. Ever tried to change a channel with your elbow? Nubs are bigger than elbows, so you’d have even less accuracy. While trying to flip back and forth between hotel porno channels you’d accidentally turn on Nick at Nite. And unless you see June Cleaver you would ruin your mood. Hell, you couldn’t even wash the serum off your hands after you finish unless you had a fake rubber hand attached to the bottom of your sink. And I just don’t think that YOU have the time to do that in every hotel you go to.

7) Own pets. Animals hate nubs. Your pets would attack you as soon as you close your eyes. They would snap your spine and dance on your belly. Because you are fat, they would stay on the side of your girth that is away from your working hand so you could only reach them with your nub. They would chuckle as they hump your nub. They would open a wound in the nub that spurts blood and pretend you’re bionic commando until you bleed to death. Your cat would challenge you to a game of basketball and win. They know you can only drive one side of the lane and that’s where they’d defend! Swish!

8) Take a band-aid off your elbow.

To be fair, I’ll include a couple of things you can do better with a nub.

1) Nub-job. Having a nub would turn your arm into one big, flexible penis. The ladies from the animal porn would like you (congratulations!).

2) You could pitch for the baseball team of one of the greatest universities in the world, then go on to pitch a no-hitter for the Yankees. Better hope you don’t get traded to the National League, though.

3) Kick an NFL-record 63 yard field goal. I was the kicker on my high-school football team (I wasn’t ONLY a kicker, but that was just one of my many positions). I have normal hands and feet. My career-long is 47 yards. I can kick further if I use my toe, but you lose a shitload of accuracy. If I had a nub, however, it would somehow be OK for me to cut my foot off at mid-sole and make a special flat-front shoe that would allow me to kick toe-style without losing the accuracy. I never understood why that was allowed just because the guy had a half-foot. I guarantee I could hit 55+ yards with that fuckin’ shoe.

4) Drum in a shitty band and choke your wife. Pour some sugar on me, because I have got one sweet nub to go along with my drummin’ and chokin’ hand.

5) Wear a pirate suit. Even if you don’t attach your kung-fu hook, people would still think you’re a salty sea-dog of a pirate if you had a nub. ‘Arrrgghhh!’ Impersonating a pirate would be the strongest argument FOR wanting a leg nub. I would love to have a peg-leg. My peg would be made of cedar-wood and I’d keep it in the same drawer as my sweaters. But I would only wear those sweaters on my days off from terrorizing the open seas.

6) And finally. If I had a nub, I would touch people with it all the time. I had a teacher in 7th grade who had a nub. He always touched people with it, set it on their shoulders to make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes he would shake it around like a dolphin flipper. It was quite funny. I would use my nub as leverage in sales calls. “Hey Nissan, I’d give my OTHER hand for your business! I’ve done it once, so you know I’m serious!” Then I would expect people to call me 'lefty' (if I'm missing my left hand) behind my back. I would get one of those one-handed steering wheel attachments too.

What would you do with a nub?



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Reviews


Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-03-25 07:29:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-03-25 06:57:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by the4sword at 2006-03-25 05:43:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Also, you can use your nub to pretend that you are MegaMan during periods of extreme boredome.

Submitted by the4sword at 2006-03-25 05:41:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You can play Monkey Island with one hand.

Submitted by Lady_in_the_radiator at 2004-05-23 16:52:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I would aproch small children and church folk, and ask them if they would be so kind as to pet my nub.
Also, I would lecture them on the dangers of gardening, because I would have lost my hand in a freak gardening accidend, of course.

Submitted by mystiamoon at 2004-04-21 06:07:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-02-12 18:06:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That was awsome. Very entertaining. Just saying the word nub makes me laugh. Rock on.

Submitted by AJ at 2004-02-10 18:17:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I would make sure my nub arm would have an indentation in it so I could jerk off with it. This would save money that otherwise would have been spent on a pocket pussy.

Submitted by Wonket at 2004-02-10 18:07:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome

Submitted by Ninjaburger at 2004-01-23 19:02:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"M lo you lon im" the best line eva!

Submitted by apathetic1 at 2004-01-23 04:01:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

classic!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-18 18:40:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I really needed to read this. Great work of art. Granted i will probably go to hell for laughing as hard as i did but hey, I'll see you there!!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-12 15:43:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

if i had a nub i'd hit you in the side of the head for playing football.
but a good laugh other than that football crap.

Submitted by LaNa at 2004-01-11 22:13:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I don't know how I missed this before... but... *deep breath*
hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahhaha!!

an extra +2 goes to this:
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2003-12-10 02:46:34 (#)
Ranking: 2

I would have great times at parties hanging around kitchen sink
disposals. The parties always end up in the kitchen anyway...
-----
I KNOW I would fall for that. Someone's nub in a kitchen sink and bam - I'm screaming and crying like I'm in a bad teen horror flick.

Story:

My uncle went to college with a guy who had lost both of his legs and over the years they've remained good friends. A few years back "the crew" from college took a trip out to California, I guess to try and rekindle their youth. One day they were hanging out on the beach. Mike *the no-legs guy* was out in the Ocean with my uncle and the rest of "the crew" (he loved to swim - but they would always keep an eye on him just in case) and he started swimming to shore as fast as his arms could paddle him. As he got closer to the shore he started yelling "SHARK! SHARK!" Everyone freaked when he came crawling out of the water.... I just wish I could've seen it.

~LaNa :)

Submitted by Wickedriser at 2004-01-11 15:24:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is genius. the sandwhich part was the best. who eats sandwhiches on the shitter?! ..crazy mofo...
-dan

Submitted by Otter at 2003-12-28 07:01:25 EST (#)
Rating: 0

+2 for making a funny post
-2 for calling Def Leppard a shitty band.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-15 21:45:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

this reminded me of all those days my friends wanted there arms to be like hidden guns and shit. If you had a nub man you could make a fake arm and plant a gun inside of it that could somehow go off whenever you wanted to!!! AWESOME, that would be a plus. But man it would suck if u had a nub and just woke up and had to scratch yourself anywhere and used ur nub instead of your hand and all it did was irritate you even more!..too much time to myself i guess, haha!

Submitted by Cassiopeia at 2003-12-14 17:31:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Word of the Day: Nub Spank

Submitted by AmericanPlutus at 2003-12-11 17:07:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahahah you're funny as hell. especially the last one, with "I'd give my OTHER hand..." ohh man I actually laughed at that hahah

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2003-12-10 10:35:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for nub-job

Submitted by NotApologizing at 2003-12-10 09:17:25 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I believe that a new olympic sport would/should be invented for nub-letes. The Nub Vault.

"Now attempting to set a new world record of zero...point eight meters...from Chactahaw Tennessee, Orland Scrawshank!" (parents clapping--echos heard reverberating from empty stands)

And the size of your nub would really make a difference. They would have to fit it with a special non-slip rubber pad.

I wish I had thought of it before so I coulda posted it in this, but I think I am going to make a logo/insignia for the Nublympics. I will put it in another post, which I am sure will generate a lot of -2's, but I just gotta do it!

Submitted by kgbpasha at 2003-12-10 02:46:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I would have great times at parties hanging around kitchen sink
disposals. The parties always end up in the kitchen anyway...

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2003-12-09 16:56:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I would get approximately £250,000 for loss of or loss of use of either hand.

Im a little disappointed that my right hand isnt worth more - I can't even write my name with my left (well, I can, but it looks like a five year old did it).

I am considerably more impressed that Id get £20,000 for the loss of or loss of use of either thumb.

I think that kind of cash would actually be quite a nice way of saying "sorry that you can't use your thumb anymore" especially if it was on my left (as, you can see above - I dont rate that hand very highly).

Submitted by Jeriko2k3 at 2003-12-09 04:58:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Just kidding.

Submitted by Jeriko2k3 at 2003-12-09 04:58:26 EST (#)
Rating: -1

For saying Choose you own adventures were good story...Have you read any of your old copies. I so happen to have some around, and after reading your post decided to read it. What were we thinking when we were kids.


Submitted by GrizzlyHunter62 at 2003-12-08 23:04:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Stupac, you dumb fucker...you're the only one not to +2 this.....
+2 from me, 'cause parts of it were funny.

Submitted by ugaly at 2003-12-08 20:56:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good job

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-08 20:49:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

excellent.

Submitted by Natophelia at 2003-12-08 17:28:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"...hump your nub."

and

"...dolphin flipper..."


This was a great ending to my day!

Submitted by the_3_toed_sloth at 2003-12-08 16:10:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ahahahahahaha, nubtacular reading! Makes me think of that Jackass episode where he put his arms in a cast and dropped his pants in the street, so that people had to pull em up for him...

Submitted by NotApologizing at 2003-12-08 15:04:44 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Well, looky there and howsabout that? This is on boredatwork.com

It has already become my most viewed message (yeah, at a paltry 850 or so hits).

Submitted by Sandman at 2003-12-08 14:02:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is quality...

Nub Spanks all around!

Submitted by Stupac at 2003-12-06 20:30:52 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Hmmm, if I had a nub I'd probably sue the bastard who took my hand, then become rich, then nub-fuck the animal porn women.

Submitted by Zeccs at 2003-12-06 20:18:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If i had a nub, ide probably have a specialy crafted fake arm container to put over it. I could keep my wallet and keys in it.. Or i could smuggle drugs with ease.

Submitted by firefly at 2003-12-05 11:51:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by NotApologizing at 2003-12-05 11:38:03 EST (#)
Rating: -2

haha! I can rate my post with a -2 and it won't do a damn thing!

Great improvement Clifone!

Submitted by Herpes at 2003-12-04 09:25:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Insanethemind at 2003-12-04 09:16:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

There would be nubthing left to live for with only 1 arm.




Great post!


By the way, it's changed so your own ratings don't count on your posts.

Submitted by NotApologizing at 2003-12-04 09:05:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

(+2 so I don't ruin the rating)

WQP-
I swear to you on all that is unholy that I have thought about writing a script for a movie called 'Legged and Dangerous' about an American Football kicker with a bad attitude. It would seem much less fictional nowadays with asshole kickers like Sebastian Janikowski and the Grammatica's in the NFL.

And yes, I was the kicker on my high school football team (as you can read in this post). Don't worry though, I also played defensive end so I am not a total Europussy.

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2003-12-04 00:34:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I shit you not there is a movie (whose name escapes me at the moment) in which a guy with no legs teams up with a guy with no arms and they proceed to kick the shit out of like 20 guys at once. It was fucking crazy as hell. It was like "Crippled Master" or something ridiculous.

-----------

I would've called it "Armed and Dangerous"

Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-03 18:38:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Hairsphincter at 2003-12-03 02:40:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

7) Own pets. Animals hate nubs. Your pets would attack you as soon as you close your eyes.

1) Nub-job. Having a nub would turn your arm into one big, flexible penis.

PoWn3D

Submitted by MOssiah at 2003-12-03 02:29:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

nub said.

um... I meant nuf said.

Submitted by IAmHereNow at 2003-12-03 02:11:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I heard Jim Abbott had 2 at bats in the minor leagues: Double, Dinger.
Also, his family was very athletic, and he was the only one who didn't play soccer

Submitted by danifestmestiny at 2003-12-01 18:32:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

6) And finally. If I had a nub, I would touch people with it all the time. I had a teacher in 7th grade who had a nub. He always touched people with it, set it on their shoulders to make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes he would shake it around like a dolphin flipper. It was quite funny. I would use my nub as leverage in sales calls. "Hey Nissan, I'd give my OTHER hand for your business! I've done it once, so you know I'm serious!"

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Submitted by potatomanjack at 2003-12-01 17:06:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome, truly.

Do you think a guy with a 'nub' for a hand invented 'nibs' the candy?

Submitted by apollo88 at 2003-12-01 16:13:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"""Steady myself on the shitter. I use the handicap shitters because of the bars. They let you steady yourself after the deposit, while using the other hand to clean. You might be able to steady yourself with a nub, but they look really slippery and I am sure I'd slip and knock my sandwich off the top of the toilet paper dispenser.""""



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.


Submitted by NotApologizing at 2003-12-01 15:30:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.badmovies.org/movies/cripmasters/

'The Crippled Masters'

Good lookin' out, Razor. I will be looking hard for this movie.





And I only +2 my posts when all the others are plus 2, or for other (usually specified) reasons.

Submitted by Razor at 2003-12-01 14:36:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2


4) Karate. Karate means 'empty hand'. How can something be empty if you don't have it? It's not like you can punch effectively with your sensitive and slippery nub. And there's no way you could effectively execute the quart-'a-blood technique on 9~10 cops with just a nub. That guy from the Bruce Lee movies is the only dude who could fight with a nub. But he had to modify it to allow screw-on attachments; and I just don't have that kind of money.


I shit you not there is a movie (whose name escapes me at the moment) in which a guy with no legs teams up with a guy with no arms and they proceed to kick the shit out of like 20 guys at once. It was fucking crazy as hell. It was like "Crippled Master" or something ridiculous.

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2003-12-01 14:19:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You just nub-spanked every shitty poster on Über

Submitted by MickGinny at 2003-12-01 14:06:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Quartermain at 2003-12-01 13:58:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

**Karate means 'empty hand'. How can something be empty if you don't have it?**

Actually, wouldn't that make you better at Karate, being that its kind of Zen?

I nominate 'nub-spank' to take its place among such other Uber-isms as 'slore', 'asshat', and 'Kobe-style'

Submitted by sebcharrot at 2003-12-01 13:55:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

go to a chinese restaurant with my good hand in a cast, and ask for rice and a pair of chopsticks. see what the waiter does.



seb

Submitted by sam_el at 2003-12-01 13:38:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny stuff. I would say that masturbating while surfing dirty sites would be tougher, but I do both surfing and wanking right-handed, so that's not one. And you already mentioned the remote, but if you couldn't fast forward or skip scenes, you would actually have to watch the plot on those stupid porno DVDs or VHSs. How awful!

Submitted by Anjie at 2003-12-01 13:15:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nub spanks are not playful or sexy--they hurt.

+2 for this alone.....

Submitted by WillZone at 2003-12-01 13:07:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd only be able to type 2, not +2.

funny stuff.

Submitted by DJMattB241 at 2003-12-01 12:59:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by T.chow at 2003-12-01 12:48:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+tewsers


You can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a
little Homer Simpson in all of us.

-- Homer Simpson
Homer Defined