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My Brilliant Plan To Crush MTV, See It Driven Before Me, And Hear The Lamentations Of It's Women

Submitted by Quartermain at 2004-03-03 11:28:25 EST
Rating: 1.62 on 30 ratings (30 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

DISCLAIMER: Standard disclaimer about writhing, teeming masses of opinion applies. Nothing deep or profound here folks, but, hey, at least it’s not another post about ‘The Passion.’

Do you remember when MTV used to be worth a damn?

Believe it or not, MTV actually used to be worth watching. They used to play actual music videos and interview/associate with actual musicians. Growing up, my family couldn’t afford cable, so I used to go over to my friends and watch it. It was an integral part of my childhood and teenage years.

But sadly, the MTV that we all knew and loved appears to have gone the way of Ozymandias. The Powers That Be, in the most stunning display of managerial savvy since the launch of the Edsel, decided to chase after the coveted ‘13 year old mongoloid’ demographic. It’s all been pretty much downhill from there.

On that note, if there is one thing I hate, its when people whine and bitch about things they don’t like and yet give you a blank look when you ask them how they’re going to fix it. So, to preclude sinking any deeper into self-loathing then I already am, I have put my best foot (the left one) forward and decided to start my own music channel. This new channel will be called ‘The Bad-Ass Music Channel’, or BAMC, and it will play bad-ass music. The BAMC will not restrict itself to genres; it is a uniter, not a divider. If it’s a bad-ass song, or if you are a bad-ass musician, you are welcome at the BAMC.

This is the kind of thing you will see on the BAMC:

- Classical music. Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Stravinsky, Mussorgsky. ‘A Night on Bald Mountain.’ ‘The Four Seasons’ by Vivaldi. People think that classical music is boring. The BAMC will beat them severely about the head and shoulders with how wrong they are. Since these pieces were composed in the days before the music video came into vogue, when I air them, there will be a back drop of various beautiful women in bikinis. Beautiful women in the audience will be encouraged to send in their pictures. If a woman’s picture is used, she gets $100$. Women not deemed hot enough to be on TV will have their pictures posted on the bulletin board in the main office along with space for comments. Once enough funny comments have been collected, the pictures will be aired late at night, when my target audience is drunk enough to think it’s even funnier than it already is.

- Rock and/or Roll. Motley Crue, Poison, Guns N Roses, Whitesnake, Def Leppard, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, KISS, Alice Cooper, U2, etc. This music qualifies for two reasons. Firstly, The Crue will always rule. That’s just the way it is. Who am I to tinker with the underlying forces of the universe? Secondly, these bands are better by several orders of magnitude than what passes for rock and roll these days. If it weren’t for these bands paving the way, a lot of the ‘musicians’ you see out there now would still be working the fryer at Denny’s.

- Country Music. Not all country music though. Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Hank Williams, David Alan Coe, Alan Jackson, George Strait, Willie Nelson, Toby Keith, as well as others to be named later, will be more than welcome anytime. On the other hand, the only way the Dixie Chicks are coming anywhere near my building is if they get jobs making coffee and answering phones.

- Anything else I happen to run across and think is worthy. This would include girlfriends of people I know, my little brother’s fiancée, this kick-ass band I saw last week called ‘A Series of Clicks and Beeps’, stuff like that. As with any other decision, my word would be law.

There is music and there are musicians that will not be appearing on my music channel, however. This decision will be based on complete objectivity and the fact that a lot of music today sucks like a sorority girl after her 4th shot of Everclear. You will never see the following people on the BAMC, unless the Komodo dragons need feeding.

- Anyone who is not old enough, or if you live in Florida smart enough, to vote. It’s my contention that the two great themes in music are love and heartbreak. There’s not a 16 year old alive that knows enough about either one to be singing about it. Charlotte Church gets to be the exception that proves the rule because her voice is absolutely amazing.

- Rappers. Living in the ghetto for two years has left me with a deep and abiding loathing of hip-hop and the ‘gangsta’ culture. So, much like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, I’m going to go out of my way to see that I don’t encounter it. Plus, if the BAMC starts showing rap videos, the last shreds of justification for BET’s existence will vanish and everyone who works there will have to go get jobs at UPN. I tell you what; the last thing I want to see is 600 more episodes of ‘Martin.’

- Whiny little bastards who think that the fact that they can play the guitar gives them a greater insight into humanity or makes them more ‘enlightened’ than the rest of us. The last thing my viewers and I want to see is some skinny little bastich who makes money hand over fist telling us we need to give more to charity. My charity PSA would consist of televising several large men strapping down aforementioned bastich and tattooing ‘Charity Begins At Home’ on his face.

After a long day of vigorously pleasing the viewing public, at midnight the BAMC will switch over to showing Clint Eastwood and John Wayne movies, interspersed with Three Stooges shorts. Why switch from just plain music, you ask? Because the Stooges have the most memorable opening music in cinema and it’s harder to think of two bigger bad-asses than John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. That's why. They fit right in. After we run out of those, we’ll move on to film noir, gritty detective movies, and the Marx Brothers.

So watch your cable providers, and when you hearing weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, you’ll know that MTV has been deservedly cast into outer darkness and that the Bad Ass Music Channel reigns supreme.

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Review This Item




Submitted by Kent_Weirdo at 2004-09-24 03:30:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


- "MTV Get Off The Air" by The Dead Kennedys

Submitted by Quartermain at 2004-09-24 03:21:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Dierks Bentley. Good stuff. He'll be on there for sure.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2004-09-24 03:16:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Becky was a beauty from South Alabama
Her daddy had a heart like a nine-pound hammer
Think he even did a little time in the slammer
What was I thinkin'?

She snuck out one night and met me by the front gate
Her daddy came out a-wavin' that 12-gauge
We tore out the drive, he peppered my tailgate
What was I thinkin'?

Oh I knew there'd be hell to pay
But that crossed my mind a little to late

Cause I was thinkin' bout a little white tank-top
Sittin' right there in the middle by me
I was thinkin' bout a long kiss,
man, just gotta get goin' with a nut like me

I know what I was feelin'
But what was I thinkin'?

Submitted by Slapshot99 at 2004-09-24 03:01:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

sign me up as a subscriber

Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge at 2004-09-24 02:49:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yes, it was brilliant

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-04-09 17:45:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Man O' War at 2004-03-03 19:46:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

A +4 for the post. -2 for using Conan and Jesse Ventura quotes I had written into my upcoming post. Dammit!

Submitted by ohlookasquirrel at 2004-03-03 19:11:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You should keep some rappers on. The way rock/punk etc has become these days it's impossible for anything to express a genuine political message except for rap. Thus, some rappers are still good and should be considered...certainly not all.
+2 for recognizing that some country is decent.

Submitted by Yes at 2004-03-03 18:55:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd watch it...

Submitted by coley at 2004-03-03 16:55:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well written.

However, I'd definitely reverse Toby Keith and the Dixie Chicks.

Uh oh..don't beat me up..

Submitted by Thanatos at 2004-03-03 16:53:04 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Not bad, but you still are propagating one of the fundamental flaws in the music industry, namely music videos/television. Why the hell should I be listening to music on tv? Isn't that what a radio was made for? Admittedly many of the radio stations around suck, and it seems like they must get kickbacks to play some of the shitty music over and over again, but hey, why would anyone want to watch idiots jump around in a music video?

Anyway, video didn't kill the radio star, but it butchered music and turned it into an 'industry'.

Submitted by flux_modulator at 2004-03-03 16:11:22 EST (#)
Rating: 1

"Fuck you spacemonkey. The KISS Army will use your daughters for blankets."
Attila the Hun 454 AD

Submitted by Quartermain at 2004-03-03 16:07:06 EST (#)
Rating: 0

**your taste in music is horrible, and so is this post.**

If you were a dinosaur, your name would be Fagasaurus Rex.

Submitted by Foxinsocks at 2004-03-03 15:41:49 EST (#)
Rating: 1

+2 for wanting to take down MTV
While you're at it, destroy the E channel too.
-1 for not mentioning Fred Eaglesmith in the good country music group and The Darkness in the good rock and roll music group.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-03 14:30:32 EST (#)
Rating: -1

Ugh...U2? If crying to the wind about "beautiful days" is badass, then i must be satan.

your taste in music is horrible, and so is this post.

Kudos for johnny cash though. it saved you from -2 land.

Submitted by SausageKing at 2004-03-03 14:19:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I give a 2 just for your title. I love that quote.

Submitted by domenad at 2004-03-03 14:00:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You pitch this idea to Rupert Murdoch. He hates Viacom, he might just fund you.

Submitted by Quartermain at 2004-03-03 13:05:55 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Kristen- Yeah, I left some good ones put, but thats why I put in the bit about 'others to be named later.' That way people will keep watching in order to see their favourites and pretty soon I will rule the entertainment industry with an iron hand.

d_d- Carrying a grudge onto a completely unrelated post only confirms you as the childish waste of life it was already completely apparent you are.

Submitted by d_d at 2004-03-03 12:51:55 EST (#)
Rating: -2

hip hop is the shit, i hope u get shot in the ghetto u claim to live in

Submitted by Heimdallsman at 2004-03-03 12:51:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Quartermain, it doesn't always happen, but you and I see eye to eye on this.

I'm volunteering to be your accountant.

Shoot man, let me hang out with Roger Waters and I'll work for free.


Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-03-03 12:34:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Just like I said I would. :)

Submitted by JMG114 at 2004-03-03 12:27:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I used to work for MTV. You're right. It is down a deep, stinky toilet.

Submitted by spacemonkey at 2004-03-03 12:25:09 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Yeah that does sound pretty bad ass, but KISS is the worst band ever.

Submitted by Phinch at 2004-03-03 12:13:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i liked the slogan.

Submitted by PukingDog at 2004-03-03 12:02:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Brilliant. Er, plan.

Submitted by freebie at 2004-03-03 11:59:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I liked this. Unfortunately people will assume it's Black African Music Channel.
When the truth comes out you will be sued by democrats, lesbian tree huggers and the trial lawyers association. Your life will end in ruin for attempting to bring quality entertainment to the masses. I say go for it.

Submitted by reallybored at 2004-03-03 11:47:38 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Reverse rap and country and you got yourself a supporter.

Submitted by Zoidberg at 2004-03-03 11:46:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I give a +2 for the title alone

Submitted by dohnuts at 2004-03-03 11:46:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for bashing Mtv, giving props to Clint Eastwood movies, and acknowledging Charlotte Church has an amazing voice.

Submitted by Kristen at 2004-03-03 11:45:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

What about Kenny Chesney? Brad Paisley? Garth Brooks? Keith Urban? Sara Evans? Gary Allan? I can't believe how many greats you forgot all about!


Marge: This is the best gift of all, Homer.

Homer: It is?

Marge: Yes, something to share our love. And frighten prowlers.

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire