My Brilliant Plan To Crush MTV, See It Driven Before Me, And Hear The Lamentations Of It's WomenSubmitted by Quartermain at 2004-03-03 11:28:25 EST
Rating: 1.62 on 30 ratings (30 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
DISCLAIMER: Standard disclaimer about writhing, teeming masses of opinion applies. Nothing deep or profound here folks, but, hey, at least it’s not another post about ‘The Passion.’
Do you remember when MTV used to be worth a damn?
Believe it or not, MTV actually used to be worth watching. They used to play actual music videos and interview/associate with actual musicians. Growing up, my family couldn’t afford cable, so I used to go over to my friends and watch it. It was an integral part of my childhood and teenage years.
But sadly, the MTV that we all knew and loved appears to have gone the way of Ozymandias. The Powers That Be, in the most stunning display of managerial savvy since the launch of the Edsel, decided to chase after the coveted ‘13 year old mongoloid’ demographic. It’s all been pretty much downhill from there.
On that note, if there is one thing I hate, its when people whine and bitch about things they don’t like and yet give you a blank look when you ask them how they’re going to fix it. So, to preclude sinking any deeper into self-loathing then I already am, I have put my best foot (the left one) forward and decided to start my own music channel. This new channel will be called ‘The Bad-Ass Music Channel’, or BAMC, and it will play bad-ass music. The BAMC will not restrict itself to genres; it is a uniter, not a divider. If it’s a bad-ass song, or if you are a bad-ass musician, you are welcome at the BAMC.
This is the kind of thing you will see on the BAMC:
- Classical music. Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Stravinsky, Mussorgsky. ‘A Night on Bald Mountain.’ ‘The Four Seasons’ by Vivaldi. People think that classical music is boring. The BAMC will beat them severely about the head and shoulders with how wrong they are. Since these pieces were composed in the days before the music video came into vogue, when I air them, there will be a back drop of various beautiful women in bikinis. Beautiful women in the audience will be encouraged to send in their pictures. If a woman’s picture is used, she gets $100$. Women not deemed hot enough to be on TV will have their pictures posted on the bulletin board in the main office along with space for comments. Once enough funny comments have been collected, the pictures will be aired late at night, when my target audience is drunk enough to think it’s even funnier than it already is.
- Rock and/or Roll. Motley Crue, Poison, Guns N Roses, Whitesnake, Def Leppard, Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, KISS, Alice Cooper, U2, etc. This music qualifies for two reasons. Firstly, The Crue will always rule. That’s just the way it is. Who am I to tinker with the underlying forces of the universe? Secondly, these bands are better by several orders of magnitude than what passes for rock and roll these days. If it weren’t for these bands paving the way, a lot of the ‘musicians’ you see out there now would still be working the fryer at Denny’s.
- Country Music. Not all country music though. Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, Hank Williams, David Alan Coe, Alan Jackson, George Strait, Willie Nelson, Toby Keith, as well as others to be named later, will be more than welcome anytime. On the other hand, the only way the Dixie Chicks are coming anywhere near my building is if they get jobs making coffee and answering phones.
- Anything else I happen to run across and think is worthy. This would include girlfriends of people I know, my little brother’s fiancée, this kick-ass band I saw last week called ‘A Series of Clicks and Beeps’, stuff like that. As with any other decision, my word would be law.
There is music and there are musicians that will not be appearing on my music channel, however. This decision will be based on complete objectivity and the fact that a lot of music today sucks like a sorority girl after her 4th shot of Everclear. You will never see the following people on the BAMC, unless the Komodo dragons need feeding.
- Anyone who is not old enough, or if you live in Florida smart enough, to vote. It’s my contention that the two great themes in music are love and heartbreak. There’s not a 16 year old alive that knows enough about either one to be singing about it. Charlotte Church gets to be the exception that proves the rule because her voice is absolutely amazing.
- Rappers. Living in the ghetto for two years has left me with a deep and abiding loathing of hip-hop and the ‘gangsta’ culture. So, much like a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, I’m going to go out of my way to see that I don’t encounter it. Plus, if the BAMC starts showing rap videos, the last shreds of justification for BET’s existence will vanish and everyone who works there will have to go get jobs at UPN. I tell you what; the last thing I want to see is 600 more episodes of ‘Martin.’
- Whiny little bastards who think that the fact that they can play the guitar gives them a greater insight into humanity or makes them more ‘enlightened’ than the rest of us. The last thing my viewers and I want to see is some skinny little bastich who makes money hand over fist telling us we need to give more to charity. My charity PSA would consist of televising several large men strapping down aforementioned bastich and tattooing ‘Charity Begins At Home’ on his face.
After a long day of vigorously pleasing the viewing public, at midnight the BAMC will switch over to showing Clint Eastwood and John Wayne movies, interspersed with Three Stooges shorts. Why switch from just plain music, you ask? Because the Stooges have the most memorable opening music in cinema and it’s harder to think of two bigger bad-asses than John Wayne and Clint Eastwood. That's why. They fit right in. After we run out of those, we’ll move on to film noir, gritty detective movies, and the Marx Brothers.
So watch your cable providers, and when you hearing weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, you’ll know that MTV has been deservedly cast into outer darkness and that the Bad Ass Music Channel reigns supreme.
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