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The Inhospitable Host Theory

Submitted by bart at 2004-05-05 02:49:35 EDT
Rating: 1.54 on 126 ratings (126 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Excess ain't rebellion,
You're drinking what they're selling.
Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them.
Your chaos won't convert them.
They're so happy to rebuild it.
You'll never really kill it.

- Cake "Rock & Roll Lifestyle"



I beg to differ.


I was out to dinner with a lovely young lady tonight, and we got onto the topic of diets. We talked somewhat about "diets" as in weight loss programs like Atkins, Weight Watchers, and Richard Simmons' Deal-A-Meal, but the broader topic was "diets" in the more general sense - the food we eat and the beverages we drink.

This evening, I passed my theory on to her, and now tonight, I pass it on to you.


The Inhospitable Host Theory


Everywhere you go, people are telling you what to eat, what to drink, which drugs are good, which drugs are bad, and how you should exercise more if you want to live a long and healthy life. You shouldn't eat red meat, but you need protein. But wait, you need to balance it out with fruits and vegetables and vitamin supplements with at least twenty minutes of cardiovascular exercise and a hot cup of ginseng tea. Or was it green tea. Chai? Damn it, am I going to die if I drink chai?


Fuck all that.


I say this with good reason, but before I get to my good reason, I'd like you to answer a simple question for me:

Somehow, you've miraculously released yourself from all of your responsibilities. You have plenty of money so you don't need to stay at your job. Your kids, pets, and other family members have all become self sufficient. You've just found a buyer for your house and they're willing to purchase it with all your furniture and that 1983 Oldsmobile adorning your back yard.

You are free to do whatever you want with your life, move wherever you want to move - NO STRINGS ATTACHED.

Where do you want to live?

A) The lush tropical climate of St. Vincent in the Caribbean with unspoiled isles, golden sands, blue waters, and coral reefs as well as an average temperature ranging from 79 to 82 degrees Fahrenheit year round.

B) Mount Erebus, Antarctica. An active volcano, spewing lava, ash, and poisonous gas, all the while resting on an uninhabited block of ice with an average temperature of -4 degrees Fahrenheit in the summer and -76 degrees Fahrenheit in the winter.


This is a tough one. On one hand, I could learn how to scuba dive, start surfing, and lounge on some of the world's most beautiful beaches. On the other hand, I could live in isolation with a nearly 100% chance of getting killed by frigid cold, hazardous toxins, or an angry penguin who's still pissed off about an oil spill.

No brainer. A. You choose A. The beautiful sun, the water, the women, fruity drinks with umbrellas, it's perfect. This is everything anyone could ask for. This is where you want to be.


Now, back to the theory. Let's pretend that you're a deadly bacterium, perhaps, oh I don't know, Vibrio parahaemolyticus:

"The bacterium, Vibrio parahaemolyticus, causes diarrhea, usually within 24 hours of eating infected seafood, along with abdominal cramping, nausea, and headache in most people, according to Dr. Nicholas A. Daniels and associates at the University of California, San Francisco."

You're a free roaming bacterium out looking for a good time. You just broke free from a diseased oyster shell and now you need someplace to settle and start a family.


Where do you want to live?

A) Judith Moore - Winter Park, FL. Judith is 33 years old 5'7" 135 lbs with light brown hair and bright blue eyes. Judith lives on a healthy diet primarily consisting of nutrient rich fruits and vegetables along with a solid combination of starches and seafood, but no pork. Occasionally, Judith will splurge and have an extra yogurt cup for dessert at the Winter Park Cafe where she has lunch with her husband David each Sunday after church. Judith works as an instructor at a local health club during the week and spends her spare time jogging and playing competitive tennis.

B) Bart Cilfone - Chicago, IL. Bart is 28 years old 6'0" 185 lbs with light brown hair and green eyes. Bart lives on a diet primarily consisting of coffee, Pringles, and fast food pizza along with a solid combination of beer, rum, and red meat, but no vegetables. Occasionally, Bart will splurge and have an entire box of Oreos for breakfast which he eats on the train on the way to work after a late night drinking binge. Bart works at an engineering job where he spends eight to ten hours a day sitting in front of a computer drinking Pepsi. In his spare time, Bart enjoys competitive sleeping and spending eight to ten hours in front of a computer eating Pepperidge Farm Goldfish.


Again, tough decision. On one hand, I could go to fertile Judith where I could plant myself in her lush healthy intestine or perhaps colon and guarantee a home for myself and children for decades to come. On the other hand, I could go to the toxic wasteland stomach of Bart Cilfone where if I don't get buried under the grease from a fried chicken leg, I'll probably get shredded by a stray Pop Rock or poisoned by a shot of Johnnie Walker Black.

No brainer. A. You choose A again. The healthy pink lungs, the steady balance of vitamins and nutrients, it's perfect. This is everything any bacterium could ask for. This is where you want to be.


Thank you healthy Judith for playing the good host for those deadly bacteria. While you're bedded up at the hospital with diarrhea and abdominal cramping, I, bitter cynical Bart Cilfone, will continue to wash down my Ben and Jerry's Wavy Gravy with this glass of Bailey's Irish Creme on the rocks.


Bacteria have been on this planet for a lot longer than human beings, and they will continue to be here long after we're gone. They know how to play this game much better than we ever will. We get stronger and healthier and the bacteria just multiply faster than ever. The only way to win is war of attrition.


The inhospitable host theory.

If you can't beat 'em, poison 'em.



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Submitted by langstrom at 2008-11-13 20:40:18 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Bailey's Irish Creme on the rock...
Thats a chicks drink jk ^_^

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2006-03-12 07:43:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Most of the old-time reviewers are no longer around, thank God.
People who don't recognize tongue-in-cheek suffer from
cranialrectosis with cardio-cerebral complications.
<head so far up yer ass yer heart beat yer brains out>

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-03-12 07:11:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by bart (user info) at 2004-05-05 12:20:06 (#)
Ranking: 0

I can't wait until some guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't understand... this guy I don't know on the internet who has no medical background whatsoever said I'd be ok if I ate nothing but jelly donuts and smoked a pack of Marlboro Lights every day."

----------------------

Indeed.

Submitted by zzzzz at 2006-03-12 07:10:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Works for me.

Submitted by douglar02 at 2006-01-17 15:46:21 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I actualy think its the opposite.. If you body is healthy it has "bacteria" of its own to fight off those other bacteria whores.. while the cheetoh fatass will probably have his own bacteria team up with the bad guys because they are so pissed off that hes eating that shit

Submitted by NetProphet at 2005-03-31 12:48:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-05-06 14:28:19 (#)
Ranking: 2

If I were a bacterium, that would be a hell of a tough choice.

Host A probably has an amazing immune system that could dispatch me and my plans for intestinal tract domination within hours. Whereas Host B (you) probably has a body that refuses to absorb anything that is put into it, and will just flush me right through along with all the other crap.

I don't like my chances, both of you are inhospitible hosts.

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Yeah.

Submitted by TheMidnight12AM at 2005-02-23 23:56:13 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Saxon at 2005-02-20 23:23:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Shit ive unwittingly been living by this principal for years, i have a new motto now (a bottle of JD a day keeps the bacteria away)

Submitted by Istaros at 2004-10-25 22:47:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahahahaha
well played, old chap

Submitted by Freight_Train at 2004-10-25 22:38:13 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

you dont know what the hell you are talking about. You cant poison bacteria with junk food, but you can ruin your heart and colon


ever heard of anybody die of "bacteria attack"? On the other hand how many people die of heart attacks and colon cancer every day.

You are a retard bart

Submitted by DanielH at 2004-10-25 22:19:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I like the theory that alcohol kills germs, and if it really kills brain cells, in all probability it kills the weakest ones first. Pizza, if ordered correctly, contains your daily supply of.... all the food groups. Now there's Atkins "Catkins" cat food. If I hear Atkins once more I'm going to South Beach and become a serial killer of bony hotties.

I say wine, women, and laughter; sermons and soda water the day after. Actually Byron said that but he's dead, I'm not. Yet.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-21 13:25:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

So...

A healthy intestine and a strong immune system provided by good nutrition is more hospitable than...

Some fat slob's sugar-coated, beer-bloated intestine????

WRONG. Any bacterium would eat up that beer and grease! MmmmMmmm!! What on earth makes you think that a bacterium would choose differently from yourself as far as taste and calories are concerned? Plus, an unhealthy immune system means no germ-police pushing your domestic little bacterium around...A fatty gross intestine is bacterial heaven!! :)

Submitted by queenoftheramen at 2004-09-20 03:51:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-08-13 09:10:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

just so you know any pathogenic microorganisms living in the gut utilise only the most simple macro molecules;protiens,fats,carbohydrates etc,as well as vitimans and mineral ions.the source is of no relevance whatsoever.well written post though,it made me smile

Submitted by McMuffin at 2004-08-09 06:00:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice one, bart.

Submitted by lnknptheory at 2004-07-23 03:10:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Makes perfect sense.
It's all clear now!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-27 18:34:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Some of you are fulla shit, the guys right that the virus would rather go to the healthy woman becuase being a person as she is she has a lifestyle in which she comes into contact with with very few bacteria making her more sesceptive to other bacteria, her immune system is SHIT.
Whereas the regular Joe whoe drinks a bottle of Jack Daniels and pizza regularly doesnt give a shit what he eats. He doesnt care so if he drops something on the floor, he eats it! Thia makes his body very good at fighting other bacteria cos its gettin practice and building up immunity to everything.
In other words go out eat shit drink beer and dont wash your hands before you do!

Submitted by CleverName at 2004-06-18 09:04:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bart's going the distance.
Bart's going for speed...

Submitted by Siren at 2004-06-18 04:22:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good theory. +2 for the Cake lyrics.

Submitted by JChristian1965 at 2004-06-14 21:36:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

That is, of course, assuming bacteria can make decisions like this.

Oh, and also that the healthy persons immune system doesn't work.

And that bacteria can catch a ride on seafood the same way we catch a ride on an airplane to a good vacation spot.

I guess aside from those minor details this theory might have something to it....:)

Submitted by StonedSilly at 2004-06-09 00:05:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-06-03 07:12:01 (#)
Ranking: 2

Woooo B@W! Whose balls did you lick to get that done?

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Whose balls do you THINK he licked?! Certainly not the owner of B@W? Oh, right, that's him.

Damn bart and his big balls / long tongue.

Submitted by antluvdog at 2004-06-08 23:39:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bart once again on BAW!

Congrats!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-08 17:45:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I Live in Winter Park, FL. All those Stipud health stores and Salad Bars...fuck that...i'll go down to Eatonville and get some dam BBQ chicken and beer...

Submitted by Rosencrantz at 2004-06-08 08:08:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Your theory is flawed. I'm going to adopt it anyway, cos' it sounds the most fun. I don't care if I get bacteria or not, ya shit it out and get back to the action. Atkins? Fuck that!

Submitted by Scotsman at 2004-06-08 05:02:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Good call Bart!

Excellant I can keep smoking and eating crap like all good Scotsman should do. My original hometown, Glasgow, is the heart attack capital of Europe (maybe the World). OK the bacteria won't get us but that clogged artery is a bitch!

However as Denis Leary said (paraphrasing here)....Smoking takes years off your life....SO! They are the crap years anyway...you can keep them!!

Submitted by Disektor at 2004-06-08 04:43:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Pretty damned good.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-07 15:04:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is soo funny and true i'm going to have to marry you

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-07 06:43:54 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Yes let's all infect healthy people with strong immune systems which will destroy us with their gigawatt laser beams the second we set pseudopod in that stomach.

Why do you think people with AIDS die so easily? The bacteria are scared away by their broken down old carcass?

How this made BaW I'll never know.

Submitted by braincramp at 2004-06-05 20:04:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I think they call things like this "Not thinking things through entirely". Germs don't choose, they just go. (I don't think they really even "go", hosts come to them.)

Submitted by HatMan at 2004-06-05 19:49:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Not grounded in any real science it seems, but it was imaginative.

Submitted by twoforone at 2004-06-04 20:32:32 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Ok, almost clever theory, except for the fact that the weakened immune system of an unhealthy person is more likely to sustain a culture of bacteria or an introduced virus than that of a healthy one. This has nothing to do with habitats-- typically, bateria need only moisture and heat to survive. I realize it wasn't supposed to be scientifically accurate, but it just came off as foolish.

Submitted by Mummbles at 2004-06-04 15:00:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

soooooo what did that have to do with What we choose to eat?

Submitted by white_niga at 2004-06-04 03:44:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I guess there is some merit in what you're saying but i think it has got to do a lot with the body's defence mechanisms. I believe every1 needs a healthy dose of the spectrum of nutrients so vegans do not have a good defence against bacterium(s). Also the body can recognise and destroy previous invaders faster so the symptoms do not show, people who are always healthy as a child may not have experienced a lot of infections so they do not develop an "advance defence" as they progress through adulthood.

-We are the people that our parents warned us about

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-04 00:57:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

George Carlin said something similar about swimming in raw sewage in the Hudson River as a child and never getting sick.

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2004-06-03 11:17:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I thought you stopped putting yourself on B@W. :)

Submitted by AJ at 2004-06-03 11:02:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W? He must be sleeping with the owner. :)

Submitted by ralphmacchio at 2004-06-03 10:18:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

holy crap! you just described my life. except for the date with a girl part. great article.

Submitted by Adereterial at 2004-06-03 09:13:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Men actually drink Baileys?!

Submitted by j0andre1 at 2004-06-03 08:49:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Thank you healthy Judith for playing the good host for those deadly bacteria. While you're bedded up at the hospital with diarrhea and abdominal cramping, I, bitter cynical Bart Cilfone, will continue to wash down my Ben and Jerry's Wavy Gravy with this glass of Bailey's Irish Creme on the rocks."

Awesome

Submitted by potatomanjack at 2004-06-03 08:36:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was excellent. I'm going to start every day with a shot of Johnny Walker from now on.

Submitted by Method at 2004-06-03 07:12:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Woooo B@W! Whose balls did you lick to get that done?

Submitted by Sideburns at 2004-06-03 02:29:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congratulations on BAW, you earned it!

Submitted by gbusman at 2004-06-02 05:33:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Funniest self biography I've ever read.

-Bus

Submitted by Oleannder at 2004-06-01 14:25:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are a genius. Fuck that healthy stuff, give me some McDonalds!

Submitted by lenlen at 2004-05-26 13:01:14 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

healthy people would be able to fight off bacteria better then an unhealthy person therefor you are wrong.

Submitted by Irazy at 2004-05-24 12:53:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

hobos are awesome

Submitted by Lisa at 2004-05-24 00:55:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I want to read something new by you. I guess that means you should drop whatever you're doing and get to work.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2004-05-22 18:35:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Oohhhhhh Baaaaaarrrrt!

http://www.ubersite.com/m/33767

Submitted by StonedSilly at 2004-05-21 13:43:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Lol Bart I've got to say.

BART CILLPHONE IS GOD! His site rules!

Submitted by DirtySanchez at 2004-05-18 15:44:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sorry that meant to be a plus 2 :-/

Submitted by DirtySanchez at 2004-05-18 15:43:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I found this message to be very entertaining. Reading it I thought that it made sense and sounded pretty good. For that I give you 2+. Your a genius man.

Submitted by Val at 2004-05-17 01:18:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i think you're some kind of genius. like, the good kind.

Submitted by bluerampage2 at 2004-05-15 10:49:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

What's BAW?

Submitted by spedmonkey at 2004-05-10 20:18:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-05-07 15:20:09 (#)
Ranking: 2

YAY! It's not just my computer. Searches for message bodies and reviews aren't coming
up, and as vain as I am I love to look my name up to see if someone said something
that I should reply too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm glad I wasn't the only one who did that.

Funny post, by the way.

Submitted by PeopleAreStrange at 2004-05-10 19:13:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-09 21:56:55 (#)
Ranking: -2

fackin yank
full of shite.

so speaks a PhD in geography.
I'm serious.


Wow-ee Random Joe, you have a PhD, that must make you right about EVERYTHING. Wait - everyone at Uber wants to worship your infinite wisdom and superior IQ. Since you are a Doctor of geography, all that knowledge about land mass and soil erosion must make you THE EXPERT on nutrition and diet. Thanks for dropping by Professor, hope to see you again soon!

Cunt.

Submitted by PeopleAreStrange at 2004-05-10 19:08:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Barney Grumble is one heck of a man!

Submitted by spacemonkey at 2004-05-10 16:40:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Good theory.
I pretty much agree and live my life by it.

Interestingly enough I rarely get sick.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-09 21:56:55 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

fackin yank
full of shite.

so speaks a PhD in geography.
I'm serious.

Submitted by No.9 at 2004-05-09 12:07:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think you're on to something. For the past 10 years, I have not gotten sick, not a flu, a cold or tummyache to speak of. Ironically, 10 years ago I also turned 21 and concurrently began my successful drinking career. Last month, I decided to discontinue my consumption of alcoholic beverages (at least for a while) as I was feeling a bit guilty that I could out-drink every single female I know, as well as most males. That can't be good, right? Well, during my month-long hiatus from booze, my body made up for lost time. I had a bad tummyache, caught a horrible flu, and developed a cough that just wouldn't go away.... until I chugged several celebratory Cinco de Mayo margaritas. The next morning I was good as new. To hell with my liver!

Submitted by Nator at 2004-05-09 10:08:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Well, your wrong. But this was good nonetheless.

Submitted by Bigmike at 2004-05-08 23:30:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Now, back to the theory. Let's pretend that you're a deadly bacterium, perhaps, oh I don't know, Vibrio parahaemolyticus:

"The bacterium, Vibrio parahaemolyticus, causes diarrhea, usually within 24 hours of eating infected seafood, along with abdominal cramping, nausea, and headache in most people, according to Dr. Nicholas A. Daniels and associates at the University of California, San Francisco."

You're a free roaming bacterium out looking for a good time. You just broke free from a diseased oyster shell and now you need someplace to settle and start a family.





Gold. Plain and simple.

Submitted by s_teph at 2004-05-08 11:05:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm

Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis at 2004-05-07 18:41:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think I understood. And it was good.

Submitted by ohlookasquirrel at 2004-05-07 15:20:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

YAY! It's not just my computer. Searches for message bodies and reviews aren't coming
up, and as vain as I am I love to look my name up to see if someone said something
that I should reply too.

Submitted by Manfre at 2004-05-07 13:04:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-05-07 12:58:23 (#)
Ranking: 2

you might want to look at the search feature. the search in message body option isn't working for me.

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Thought I was the only one having this problem.

Ive been trying to search for my name for days and it wont let me look at anything other then post subjects.

Its starting to aggrivate me that I cant fulfill my self loving activities like normal. I can whack off, but cant see how many times my names mentioned on Uber.

Submitted by Phinch at 2004-05-07 12:58:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you might want to look at the search feature. the search in message body option isn't working for me.

Submitted by 52kgs at 2004-05-07 07:38:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Impressive.... You can actually delve into the mind of a bacteria.

Submitted by Insanethemind at 2004-05-06 21:22:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Manfre at 2004-05-06 21:01:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2004-05-05 17:26:06 (#)
Ranking: 2

"On the other hand, I could go to the toxic wasteland stomach of Bart Cilfone where if I don't get buried under the grease from a fried chicken leg, I'll probably get shredded by a stray Pop Rock or poisoned by a shot of Johnnie Walker Black."

ok man I had a mouthful of tasty beverage when I read that, and it took me over two minutes to swallow it.


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It took you 2 minutes to swallow? Girls get kicked out after 1. Good thing youre a guy... Wait what?!



This makes complete sense.

Submitted by antluvdog at 2004-05-06 14:49:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Interesting.

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2004-05-06 14:28:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If I were a bacterium, that would be a hell of a tough choice.

Host A probably has an amazing immune system that could dispatch me and my plans for intestinal tract domination within hours. Whereas Host B (you) probably has a body that refuses to absorb anything that is put into it, and will just flush me right through along with all the other crap.

I don't like my chances, both of you are inhospitible hosts.

Submitted by ohlookasquirrel at 2004-05-05 23:50:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I will look for a man with lots of oreos every time I'm on the brown or red line now.




MUAHA!

Submitted by Man O' War at 2004-05-05 21:47:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MickGinny at 2004-05-05 21:32:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

there are bad drugs? really? i am fortunate. ive only used the good ones.


cool post btw.


Submitted by Quartermain at 2004-05-05 19:59:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This actually makes a bit of sense. I live with two vegetarians/vegans(not sure on the difference and don't care). I live on Chinese take-out, microwave burritos, large amounts of meat and potatoes, coffee, beer and cigarettes. My roommates do all the vegetarian stuff and eat organic food and filter their water and all that kind of stuff.

And yet, they're the ones always coming down with everything in the world while I hardly ever get sick.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-05 17:46:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

On the other hand, I could live in isolation with a nearly 100% chance of getting killed by frigid cold, hazardous toxins, or an angry penguin who's still pissed off about an oil spill.

BWAAHAHAHAHAHA

Submitted by Razor at 2004-05-05 17:26:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"On the other hand, I could go to the toxic wasteland stomach of Bart Cilfone where if I don't get buried under the grease from a fried chicken leg, I'll probably get shredded by a stray Pop Rock or poisoned by a shot of Johnnie Walker Black."

ok man I had a mouthful of tasty beverage when I read that, and it took me over two minutes to swallow it.

Submitted by Shirkinparkin at 2004-05-05 17:09:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

One time I had an infected ingrown toenail. It was red and all puss filled.

Then I took a DXM trip, which consisted of eating two boxes of robitussin cough caps. The infection went awaay within 24 hours.

I believe all the medication made my body a battleground which no infection could survive.

And I was really fucked up.

Submitted by Judoka at 2004-05-05 16:36:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2004-05-05 15:47:13 (#)
Ranking: 2

I think I once posted about how I think all of the "wash your hands" and "never eat raw eggs" stuff is a bunch of crap. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That is why I rarely if ever wash my hands, will and do eat just about anything don't have anti-bacterial anything in my house. I was then promptly called a smelly, hairy, disgusting troll. Oh well, I never get a stomach ailment that isn't self-induced by overconsumption of alcohol.

YOU ARE A SMELLY, HAIRY, DISGUSTING TROLL!

what she said

Submitted by Nicole3 at 2004-05-05 15:47:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think I once posted about how I think all of the "wash your hands" and "never eat raw eggs" stuff is a bunch of crap. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. That is why I rarely if ever wash my hands, will and do eat just about anything don't have anti-bacterial anything in my house. I was then promptly called a smelly, hairy, disgusting troll. Oh well, I never get a stomach ailment that isn't self-induced by overconsumption of alcohol.

YOU ARE A SMELLY, HAIRY, DISGUSTING TROLL!

Submitted by moebius at 2004-05-05 15:19:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I grew up in Winter Park.

Submitted by Gent at 2004-05-05 14:45:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

5'7" 135 lbs? She isn't that fit.


Also, Johnnie Walker Black Label should never be consumed as a shot... it is to be enjoyed over ice.

Submitted by yidele at 2004-05-05 14:42:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Finally! a creed we can all live with!

Submitted by Loren at 2004-05-05 14:32:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahahahaha. I'm pretty sure I won't be attracting any bacteria either. Thanks for the theory, it works for me.

Submitted by Method at 2004-05-05 14:22:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Honestly, would Bart be a total shit bag for putting up one of his own posts on BAW?

Submitted by Lisa at 2004-05-05 13:40:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is great.

Submitted by bart at 2004-05-05 12:20:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I can't wait until some guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I don't understand... this guy I don't know on the internet who has no medical background whatsoever said I'd be ok if I ate nothing but jelly donuts and smoked a pack of Marlboro Lights every day."

Submitted by kireisarah at 2004-05-05 12:13:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

On the one hand, this was really funny.

On the other hand, maybe I've just been seeing a lot of this around lately, but I'm getting kind of tired of people who are all "eat unhealthy! be yourself! do what you want!" but then turn around and make fun of overweight people for doing just that. I don't know if you do that, Bart, but I know at least half the people who commented do and it pisses me off.

+1 for humor
-1 for hypocrisy

Submitted by hendrixjrr at 2004-05-05 11:42:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Some people have no sense of humor.!.!

Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle at 2004-05-05 11:41:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hah! I'm sending this to my Dad, the fitness fiend.

Submitted by cat_head at 2004-05-05 11:35:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well written and amusing. But I think that it's complete horseshit. I also think that it's supposed to be - it's "tongue in cheek", much as I hate that phrase.

If you get plenty of vitamins, avoid sat fats and get plenty of exercise your immune system will be stronger and you will be more healthy. I know people who have very bad diets and they get sick quite a lot. But it seems to me that drinking alcohol in excess can ward off or cure most infections.

Submitted by Acarnis at 2004-05-05 11:24:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good post. Hey, you know how it is for North American lice. They tell you to wash your hair to keep them off, but it's the oily hair that they stay away from.
I know someone just like that Judith chick.

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2004-05-05 11:12:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

What Caulaincourt said.

Submitted by itchy at 2004-05-05 11:00:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Revolutionary! Brilliant! Oddly befitting my own lifestyle!

or, as my dear departed father used to say, "Live clean, eat right, exercise - die anyway." Keep in mind though, the man kicked the bucket at 56, so . . . you know, there's that.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2004-05-05 10:57:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Biologically, this is completly false but good post I guess.

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2004-05-05 10:52:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I developed the same theory not regarding food, but for smoking.

I ALWAYS get a sore throat when I give up the cigs, and I have deduced that this is because when Im not smoking, I am acutally allowing the little bacteria buggars to invade my throat and lungs. When I am smoking - they can try to make me ill but the smoke kills them.


Submitted by lojope at 2004-05-05 10:43:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed out loud at this.

Submitted by Anansie at 2004-05-05 10:33:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well, I disagree, but since I am just about as unhealthy as you are, I am glad she got food poisoning instead of you.

On a side note: You remind me of my best friend. You guys look similar and have the same dry sense of humor.

Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara at 2004-05-05 10:05:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

When I finished it, I was laughing to myself and brushed off the theory. Now its bugging me. I can't shake the logic.

Submitted by hendrixjrr at 2004-05-05 10:03:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh yeah...veggies are the devil!

Submitted by hendrixjrr at 2004-05-05 10:03:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-05-05 08:30:16 (#)
Ranking: 2

I want to live inside Bart.
------------------------------------------------------------


ATTN GHEY MENZ!

Submitted by domenad at 2004-05-05 09:27:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Muhahahhaha! I dig this.

Submitted by reallybored at 2004-05-05 09:16:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Some people come home from a date and pass out.
Others come home with their date.
Still more come home bitching how they fucked it up.

Bart comes home and posts on Uber.

Submitted by BleedTheSky at 2004-05-05 08:36:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by JMG114 at 2004-05-05 08:30:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I want to live inside Bart.

Submitted by Binka at 2004-05-05 08:24:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you rock

Submitted by Ainkara at 2004-05-05 08:08:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

In his spare time, Bart enjoys competitive sleeping



hehehee....

Submitted by Richy_Rich at 2004-05-05 08:02:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

It was excellently written. But the theory is bullshit because bacteria and worms and other shit do not choose where they live, unlike us humans, instead we consume them by chance. For example, eating uncooked fish or a bloody steak. Once consumed, a healthy body will have a greater chance at combating the disease, whereas the polluted body may possibly die depending on the type of bacteria.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2004-05-05 07:27:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

""""Submitted by Method (user info) at 2004-05-05 07:25:39 (#)
Ranking: 2

Fantastic stuff, Barto.

Hey, just curious, have you ever put one of your own posts on BAW? """"


AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Please let that be irony!

Submitted by Method at 2004-05-05 07:25:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fantastic stuff, Barto.

Hey, just curious, have you ever put one of your own posts on BAW?

Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish at 2004-05-05 07:16:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm not kissing ass here, but have an uncounted +2.
Seriously, this is a must read post.

Submitted by mystiamoon at 2004-05-05 05:02:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Heres another +2 for this
"Bailey's Irish Creme on the rocks"
yummmm my favorite.

Submitted by QueenAshlee at 2004-05-05 04:58:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good stuff. A little gross in places, but something to think about.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2004-05-05 04:30:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HA!!

I think this is the first article of yours that has really been worth the +2's you are lavished with.

Enjoy!

Submitted by blazachunter69 at 2004-05-05 03:50:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

fuck the atkins and all the lot. do what you want. who gives a shit about what youll be like when you get old. you hope youll be dead, fuk beeing an old asshole. belive me having all the fun drinking and fuking and eating shitty when ur you will out way the life of allways beeing carful and living the extra 10 years or so.

Submitted by conrad at 2004-05-05 03:36:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

There is wisdom here: a diet of martinis, takeaway Thai, prescription painkillers and copious cigarettes has kept the doctor from darkening my door for the last 15 years. The concurrent theme seems to be the lack of vegetables...I swear the things are poisonous.

Submitted by bart at 2004-05-05 03:32:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I have underwear older than that.



Now that's a water-in-the-lap line.

Submitted by DJMattB241 at 2004-05-05 03:30:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hey bart! when are we gonna hang out?


crazy idea, i'll have to run it past my brother. he works in a hospital, so he must know everything about health, right?

Submitted by Tom at 2004-05-05 03:24:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

What do you mean "1988 holy shit"? 1988 was a long time ago, pal!

Submitted by mystiamoon at 2004-05-05 03:22:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by bart at 2004-05-05 03:22:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

What are you talking about? This conversation went very well. It didn't involve any of the detail I went into here, but the gist of it was the same.


I think you're just accustomed to hitting on guys.

Submitted by bart at 2004-05-05 03:16:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I have to give the original credit for this idea to a guy named Mike who I knew in Orlando.

There was one day where he and three coworkers went to lunch. The next day, Mike showed up to work as usual while the other three folks stayed home with food poisoning. Mike was the one who was in the worst shape and smoked and drank regularly.

Submitted by Sideburns at 2004-05-05 03:14:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Another title for this post could be:

Conversation Topics That Will Teach You How NOT To Get Into Your Date's Pants -but- Will Get Ice Water On Your Lap

Submitted by Kristen at 2004-05-05 03:04:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What bargled means is, no sex for Bart.

Submitted by Sideburns at 2004-05-05 03:04:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So uh.. you're out on a date with a woman and you choose to make her look like a complete ass by disproving her point?

Nod and agree, nod and agree, my friend.

Submitted by bargled at 2004-05-05 02:56:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Fuck the healthy people.


Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to
lose.

-- Homer Simpson
Dead Putting Society