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I am very sorry for this.

Submitted by itchy at 2004-05-19 12:07:45 EDT
Rating: 1.94 on 78 ratings (78 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I would like to apologize for this before it starts. All I have to say is that I got precisely no sleep last night, and at 4:45 this morning, when the idea came to me, it seemed funny as hell. To those who find this to be somewhat below my standard fare, and I sorely hope there are some of you out there, all I can say is that, at 4:45 in the morning, I also thought the word “foil” was funny. Just say it, “Foil.” Foil. Foil. Foil.






THE PENIS DIALOGUES
_____________________________________________________________________
Scene: Dark bedroom. Two people appear to be sleeping in the king-size bed. Sheets are rumpled and twisted about their bodies due to constant tossing and turning from the heat. The scene is illuminated by the television set, which shows gray blurs that resemble a small humanoid form. An electric fan oscillates fitfully on the dresser, creating a soothing white-noise effect.

itchy: (sleeping on stomach, flops grumpily from side, then to back.) Snuffle, snort. Gah. I think I might have actually slept there for a few seconds. Was I dreaming about a red 1976 Chevy Citation that was supposed to be a Honda Accord? Wonder what the hell that means. . .

<Enter One-eyed Pete, the Pee Hard-on>

Pete: Hey, you’re up!

itchy: Hey, you too. What are you doing here?

Pete: Oh, I usually pop up here a couple time a night, you know, just to see what’s going on. You usually aren’t awake for it though.

itchy: Well, I’ll be. You picked a hell of a night for it. I haven’t been able to sleep for crap.

Pete: Well, that’s what you get for drinking a caffeine filled soda before bed. You usually cut that stuff out at noon.

itchy: I know, I was just really thirsty and it sounded good for some reason.

Pete: Well, I can understand that. Sometimes you just gotta say, what the fuck. If it feels good, do it. That’s what I always say.

itchy: Yeah, but you’re not really the more cerebral of the two of us you know.

Pete: True, but I do know how to use my head when I need to.

itchy: Touche. So what have you been up to? It seems like we never get to spend any quality time together any more.

Pete: Me? Oh, you know, little of this, little of that. Been doing a lot of urinating mostly. It isn’t the most rewarding work, but it is still important. At least that’s what I tell myself to make it through the day.

itchy: I hear ya. You should try my job some time. Let me tell you, ACTION. PACKED.

Pete: You know, we should really try to get together more often. Like, maybe tonight we could do something, you know, after work.

itchy: Sounds pretty good to me.

Pete: And uh, maybe you could bring the ol’ wife along, if you know what I mean.

itchy: You bet I do. But that plan already backfired on me once tonight.

Pete: Yeah, I saw that. It was hard to watch. No pun intended.

itchy: I know. Its just these hands of mine. Sometimes I underestimate their power.

Pete: Sure, sure. I hear ya. One minute you are the king of romance, giving the greatest back rub the world has ever seen, the next, she’s in a coma. I think your problem is one of timing. You don’t know when to quit.

itchy: Could be. I don’t know. I know that with great power, comes great responsibility. Spider-man taught me that. But it seems like these hands have the power to give so much to so many . . . it doesn’t seem right to only use them half-way.

Pete: I can see that, but where does that attitude leave you? High and dry my friend, high and dry.

itchy: Yeah, but look how soundly she’s sleeping. I did that. That makes me feel pretty good too.

Pete: Okay, then try thinking about me. What about my needs?

itchy: Your needs?

Pete: Sure. You want to get prostate cancer? Well, I need to keep the juices flowing if we don’t want thing backing up and getting all funky.

itchy: I guess I hadn’t thought about that.

Pete: Well, that’s why I’m here. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.

itchy: That’s what I’m worried about. I was with you at the gas-station you know. I’m not sure how you took over, but I’d rather you not do it again.

Pete: Hey, how is Rikku doing anyway?

itchy: I have no idea. We aren’t going back there.

Pete: Oh come on, I was just funnin’. Give me a break. Still though, you gotta admit, it woulda been cool, huh? I can see it now, slip her some ginsing and some of that Niagra stuff . . .

itchy: Niagra?

Pete: Yeah, its supposed to be a form of Viagra for women. Get’s ‘em all hot and bothered. Oh! Or we could try getting some ecstasy. I’ve heard that freaking ROCKS.

itchy: Dude. We don’t do drugs.

Pete: Well what the hell do you call alcohol then, Mr. Puritan? Oh, that reminds me, if you aren’t going to be going out boozing the way you used to, you really need to start drinking more water. We don’t want to get kidney stones either.

itchy: Thanks for the tip, I’ll try to do better. But just because I use alcohol doesn’t mean I want to take the next step and move into other drugs.

Pete: I know. But that’s because you are a total prude. And a borderline fascist, I might add. What’s going on with the TV there?

itchy: That’s The Boy. He’s sleeping.

Pete: You actually have your child under surveillance? He’s what? One? Whatdoyathink? He’s working for Al Queda?

itchy: It isn’t surveillance, its a monitor. Just like the ones most people use to listen if their kid is crying, we just watch him too.

Pete: I don’t know, sound a lot like 1984 to me. Big Brother is watching you.

itchy: I think you’re paranoid.

Pete: I think you’re a wannabe John Ashcroft.

itchy: Shut up, dick.

Pete: Blow me.

itchy: Can’t. We tried that, remember? Back when we were like 15 or something.

Pete: I told you that you should never have quit taking gymnastics.

itchy: I never took gymnastics. You must be thinking of someone else. But hey, buddy, listen. I like you . . . just not in that way.

Pete: No. You are just chicken shit.

itchy: And you are just another leftist iconoclast. But seriously, I heard a story about a guy who tried that and broke his neck. They found him like that. With his ass all up in the air, millimeters from his goal.

Pete: I am left-leaning . . . that’s true. And I think you are thinking about Clerks, or Mallrats or something.

itchy: Oh, you’re right. Definitely a Kevin Smith movie. But hey, how does that work, by the way? The left-leaning thing? I’m right handed.

Pete: Pffff. No idea. Its mystery is exceeded only by its power.

itchy: Ha! Nice one! Dude, Where’s My Car?, right? Ha! High five!

Pete: . . . . .

itchy: Dude. High. Five!

Pete: I don’t have hands you dipshit! How can I high five you without hands?

itchy: Oh, right.

Pete: Hey, how about a hug?

itchy: Who’s a what now?

Pete: You know a nice, tight, warm, vigorous hug. You know I love hugs.

itchy: Uh, right . . .

Pete: Come on, you know you want to.

itchy: I’m not going to deny that. But I thought we had plans for tonight. I don’t want to waste any of my mojo.

Pete: Pussy.

itchy: That’s what I’m talking about!

Pete: Oh, forget it. I give up. I’m going back to sleep. Get out of bed you moron. We have to pee.

<alarm clock sounds>

itchy: Ug.

itchy's wife: Grumble, grumble, snort. Were you talking to someone?

itchy: That’s just my alarm. The radio. Go back to sleep. Get some rest.
itchy: (under his breath) You’re going to need it. Mwuh ha ha ha ha ha ha!


<End Scene>



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Reviews


Submitted by Lianne260987 at 2006-08-16 05:49:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

not bad

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-02-02 10:17:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hey I was first to rate this most famous itchy post!

This is not your best though.

The one with the feral dog boy and the one as teephapha with the pictures of your boy with captions are the funniest.

imho.


Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2004-10-12 03:20:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

itchy: Shut up, dick.
Pete: Blow me.
itchy: Can't. We tried that, remember? Back when we were like 15 or something.
Pete: I told you that you should never have quit taking gymnastics.
______________________________________________________

YES!!! Comedy gold.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-01 00:19:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sorry, but all you stupid fucks out there need to realize humor when you read it...and this is what humor is all about. Shit that you would never say in reality, but sometimes when you think about it, it's really fucking funny. So please, stop being bitches and just think about it for a minute.

Submitted by stacenbass at 2004-08-19 20:39:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

If only I had this type of relationship with my genetalia.

Submitted by yidele at 2004-08-19 20:09:13 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

corny. cheesy. unoriginal.

Submitted by Nobb at 2004-08-19 19:57:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by comicbookguy at 2004-08-06 08:51:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

shit itchy, this was one the funniest things I've ever read. I can't believe I didn't see it until now.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-22 20:41:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

This should have been on a sketch comedy show. It was funny in a professional kind of way. Good work.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-15 06:56:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Pete: I am left-leaning . . .

Hah, me too... I figured my right hand was deforming it so i switched to left... didn't help. I do have the benefit of being able to shake hands with people without getting a "prick" from my conscience now though...

Submitted by geofroley at 2004-06-09 19:38:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by logikz at 2004-06-03 16:46:06 (#)
Ranking: -2

wow, you are a retard
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know what's ironic? You called him a retard, yet you completely mispelled "logics". Nice work, dipshit.

As for you itchy, this was Uber gold. Good shit.

Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis at 2004-06-09 19:33:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

We share a common bond.

Submitted by MoneyG at 2004-06-09 19:22:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Honestly, i don't know why he called you a retard. It's not like anybody else doesn't talk to the big guy.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-06 16:38:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

man you are a retard

gotta love it though

Submitted by Caldur at 2004-06-06 04:40:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Heheh

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-03 16:46:06 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

wow, you are a retard

Submitted by Stauquin at 2004-05-28 10:33:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Jeriko2k3 at 2004-05-27 23:04:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fantastic, I see a monolog series cuming soon.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-05-26 20:38:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A Masterpiece.

Submitted by Rosencrantz at 2004-05-25 10:04:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Destined for broadway!

Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky at 2004-05-24 14:19:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

pure genious. I CONCUR!

Submitted by NotApologizing at 2004-05-24 13:34:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

NO!

HOW DARE YOU!

You didn't learn 'With great power comes great responsibility' from Spider-man! Goddamit you learned it from Uncle Ben. He was more of a father to Peter than that ingrateful fucker deserved. UNCLE BEN!


Submitted by atz at 2004-05-24 03:30:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Kristen at 2004-05-23 23:59:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hilarious.

Submitted by dakingisdead at 2004-05-23 23:52:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It is definitely a +2

Submitted by iddqd at 2004-05-23 23:35:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

definately BAW.

Submitted by WiKi at 2004-05-23 15:43:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I still feel bad and I definitely think it's worth the +2's it's been getting.

I was just quick on the draw. Or something.

Bah..

Lois: You gave up a boat for free tickets to a crappy comedy club!
Peter: Come one, Lois, you're acting like this is the first time I ever did something stupid.

Submitted by Julia at 2004-05-23 14:56:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Loved it.

Submitted by F a ish at 2004-05-23 04:19:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@Wesome.

Submitted by ohlookasquirrel at 2004-05-22 19:01:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HOLY SHIT ITCHY!

Congrats on b@w!

Submitted by itchy at 2004-05-22 18:43:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Of course, that isn't to say that I'm not grateful for those who DID think it was a +2. Thanks for those. Oh, nevermind.

Submitted by itchy at 2004-05-22 17:06:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

WiKi - Don't sweat it! It HAD to happen. I was watching a sickening band wagon effect happen. This thing had something like 42 +2s in a row, and honestly, it doesn't deserve it.

Now at least the streak is broken and people can rate it freely, without the stigma of "breaking a streak,"




Submitted by CunningVision at 2004-05-22 15:54:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yay!

Submitted by WiKi at 2004-05-22 15:34:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

One more because I am a total bitch and I realize this.

Damn my impatient self for hitting the Rank button too soon!

Submitted by WiKi at 2004-05-22 15:33:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

God Jesus.

Damn it all to Hell.

Submitted by WiKi at 2004-05-22 15:33:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

DAMN DAMN DAMN!

I hate myself.

Bart! Take that away!

Fuck.

Submitted by WiKi at 2004-05-22 15:32:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

+2 for this:

itchy: Ha! Nice one! Dude, Where's My Car?, right? Ha! High five!

Pete: . . . . .

itchy: Dude. High. Five!

Pete: I don't have hands you dipshit! How can I high five you without hands?

itchy: Oh, right.

Submitted by cigar at 2004-05-22 14:59:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

great, just great

Submitted by Jaineix at 2004-05-21 21:32:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If only I could write this well at 4:45am...damned funny!

Submitted by Cassiopeia at 2004-05-21 18:38:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

wow... this is the funniest thing I've read in a long while! FUNNY!!!

Submitted by LucidCognition at 2004-05-21 17:00:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Not that it needs to be said, but that was funy as hell.

Submitted by theWELLofZION at 2004-05-21 11:02:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I thought this was funny.

Submitted by Razor at 2004-05-21 09:59:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

grats on B@W

Submitted by PWNstar at 2004-05-21 01:54:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2004-05-20 23:20:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B.at.W.com

Submitted by Trishtopher at 2004-05-20 22:21:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hilarious.

Submitted by bart at 2004-05-20 22:06:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is great.

Submitted by JohnGalt at 2004-05-20 06:53:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are apologizing for this? This is Bored At Work quality if you ask me.

Submitted by mystiamoon at 2004-05-20 06:46:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This gives me penis envy.

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2004-05-20 06:45:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nah... its rubbish.
Trust your instincts and dont ever post shit like this again... you big talking penis story writing man.

And, no this has nothing to do with wishing Id come up with it first.

I do think that in future you should email your posts so I can "vet" them before you embarrass yourself like this again.

;)

Submitted by intellismartness at 2004-05-20 06:38:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You know, usually people don't apologize for gold, this is like waking up and discovering the tooth fairy left her wallet under your pillow instead of just a dollar.

Submitted by DCWoody at 2004-05-20 06:29:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yay

Submitted by jcricket at 2004-05-19 19:05:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

my penis manifests itself at 4:45am as well...
i mean...geni...
no, i meant penis.

Submitted by cwl989 at 2004-05-19 16:23:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well itchy, it appears that your genius manifests itself at 4:45 in the morning.

Submitted by freebie at 2004-05-19 15:40:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A little long but still good job.

Submitted by TripinDayZ420 at 2004-05-19 15:36:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

robin williams proved anything with a talking penis involved is going to get rave reviews. this furthers that theorum.

Submitted by itchy at 2004-05-19 15:28:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Excellent question Legallady. No. I actually don't have a name for my pee-pee.

I suppose "Hugeinator" might work, but nothing official.

Submitted by legallady at 2004-05-19 15:04:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Is Pete what you really call it?

GOOD JOB!

Submitted by Lucky at 2004-05-19 15:02:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wish my penis talked!!

I mean...I don't have a penis...*cough*........who said that?!

Submitted by D7 at 2004-05-19 14:58:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love it.

Submitted by indigogecko at 2004-05-19 13:46:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

excellent. and worthy of the perfect 2...

Submitted by munkeypants at 2004-05-19 13:45:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i talk to my boobies

Submitted by Dufflady at 2004-05-19 13:24:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2004-05-19 13:09:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Val at 2004-05-19 12:57:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

my vagina never shuts up. what a cocksucker.

Submitted by lojope at 2004-05-19 12:53:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hate you for having a perfect rating. :o) ( I almost got my first today but then someone replied with a 0 by accident)

I really wanted to tell you that, but I didn't want to ruin your perfect score, so I had to tell you with a +2. Also +2 because this was still funny the second time.

I still hate you though. :o)

Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle at 2004-05-19 12:46:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HA!

Submitted by DJMattB241 at 2004-05-19 12:45:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Pete: Blow me.

itchy: Can't. We tried that, remember? Back when we were like 15 or something."


GOLD.

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2004-05-19 12:44:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Funny.

Submitted by itchy at 2004-05-19 12:41:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Sorry Circe. That was kind of shitty. Its just that I usually try to stear clear of the dick and fart jokes. Its like my old manager, Artie Fufkin, (may he rest in peace) used to say to me, he'd say, "itchy, don't work blue. Anyone can do blue. You gotta do betta."

Submitted by Circe at 2004-05-19 12:33:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"To those who find this to be somewhat below my standard fare, and I sorely hope there are some of you out there..."

Dude, it's like... 12.37 am here. Don't hit me with no-answer-will-win comments like that, I beg you. If I say 'no', then I'm implying the rest of your stuff was as bad as you assume this post to be. If I say 'yes', then i'm implying that this is, in fact, bad. Which it's not. Oh, my head..

Love your stuff. Loved this.

Submitted by conrad at 2004-05-19 12:23:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Some very amusing moments

Submitted by Yes at 2004-05-19 12:20:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

funnee

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2004-05-19 12:19:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Don't be sorry for this, it was great

Submitted by lojope at 2004-05-19 12:19:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed really hard.

Submitted by GodChicken at 2004-05-19 12:17:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by potatomanjack at 2004-05-19 12:14:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed

Submitted by apollo88 at 2004-05-19 12:11:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what
about those really smart ones who live among us who rollerskate and smoke
cigars?

-- Homer Simpson, on Heaven
The Telltale Head