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How To Avoid Getting A Speeding Ticket

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2004-06-25 14:22:51 EDT
Rating: 1.85 on 122 ratings (122 reviews) (Review this item) (V)


Well, my driving record has officially gone down the shitter.

I'm not sure if any of you other Uberusers have this law, but here in Connecticut, if you get 4 moving violations (speeding tickets, accidents, etc.) in a 3-year period, you must attend a driver retraining course and pay $60 to go otherwise your license gets suspended. Wow, my state sucks.

On my way back from work, I have to take I-95 home. Unfortunately, this stretch of highway has been under construction for the past year and a half, and the explosion in Bridgeport which melted the supports didn't help traffic much either. Basically, in the areas where there is construction, traffic is backed up terribly, and the speed limit goes down from 55 to 40.

I've already gotten 3 tickets in two weeks, since the cops are out in force. I've never seen anything like it. One time, I got a ticket for doing 80, and before I pressed down on the accelerator, I thought to myself, "There won't be any cops in this area."

Irony at it's best, my friends.

But this story revolves around how I avoided getting out of my 4th ticket. I had brought my car up to 70 in a 40 (I thought it was a 55) and a cop promptly appeared out of the shadows to pull me over.

"Shit fuck motherfucker fuckittyshit fuck damn!!" I squealed.

I brought my car to a halt, rolled down my window, and that bright light appeared behind me as if to say, "Hey everybody! Look at this guy! I'm gonna fuck him up the ass!" I hate that fucking light.

What was I going to do? I couldn't afford another ticket, I would have to pay $239 plus another $60 for the retraining. I couldn't take a day off from work to fight it, and even if I did, the most that would happen would be me getting a reduced fine. That wasn't enough. I had to get out of this.

Would I try and talk him out of it? Nah, that might just piss him off. Bribe? No, I'd probably be paying more to get out of it than the ticket itself. Plus it's illegal. Cry like a pussy? Hell no, I have my pride..... well..... actually, let's keep that thought aside.

As I saw the cop approach the car, my mind raced. What would I do!? I had to act quick.


It was then that I punched myself square in the face.


Just so that I don't come across like a complete psycho, let me fill you in on some information about me. I have a very sensitive nose. I suffer from spontaneous nosebleeds quite often, usually from the change from very humid to very dry weather. Yes, I'm a classic geek. Laugh it up.
Punching myself in the face did the trick, though, as my nose began to gush blood. I held my face up, and sucked back all the blood. The officer walked up.

"Any idea how fast you were going, son?"
"Uhm, no officer. I can't see my speedometer."
"Oh. May I ask why?"
"Uh..... I have a really sensitive nose, and with all the dry weather, my nose started to bleed while I was driving. I'm really sorry, I've been trying to keep my speed reasonable. You wouldn't have any tissues, would you?"

The officer stared back at me blankly. I lowered my head a little bit, and let some blood run down my face.

"Oh, jeez! Uh, I'll be right back."

The officer jogged back to his car and went inside. He stayed in there for a minute. A minute turned into 5. What was he doing? I checked my rearview mirror, and saw a huge grin on his face. He had been laughing his ass off, no doubt. What was so damn funny?

The officer approached my car again with a wad of tissues in hand. My face felt kinda funny. He handed me the tissues.

"Ok, listen. I'm gonna let this one slide because I know you don't need this kinda thing on your record."

Waves of relief swept over me, and I smiled.

"Oh, thank you officer. That's really great."

He nodded knowingly.

"This was by far the most original way to get out of a speeding ticket. I've seen all sorts of characters, but you take the cake."

I stared back at him in shock. He knew!?

"Uh.... what?"
"Punching yourself in the face and starting a nosebleed? Man, that's good. The boys'll love that one. Listen, I want you to stay here until the bleeding slows down, and then make sure you press those tissues to your nose, and drive yourself to the nearest hospital. Your nose looks broken."

I looked in the mirror, and sure enough, my eyes were black and blue, and my nose was swollen as hell.

"Woah." was all I could come up with.

"Oh, and slow down in the future." He said.

And with that he laughed all the way back to his car as I sat there, nose throbbing, and mulling over how much of an idiot I am. He drove away, and I looked at the tissues. It was already soaked in blood.

"Fuck! I'm such a fucking moron!" I thought to myself as I punched the glove compartment.

I heard a crack.

"Oh for the love of God, please tell me that was my hand that broke." I thought to myself.

Sure enough, that was not the case. I had broken the glove compartment. Motherfucker.





Priceless.JPG
Priceless.JPG


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Submitted by Amontillado at 2006-09-10 15:55:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

priceless indeed.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2006-09-10 15:38:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

suck his cock next time, it works.

Submitted by hot_pocket at 2006-09-10 15:02:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious at 2006-09-10 14:21:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by williamson at 2005-11-16 19:28:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I remember reading this ages ago...

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master at 2005-11-16 19:27:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome! I know how it goes. I drive on the Merritt which sucks an equal amount of balls with traffic. But I usually just shoot the cop in the face when he walks up to the window. REPRESENT CT!

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-11-16 19:06:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ha ha ha!

Submitted by liquid_lightning at 2004-10-07 14:32:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Thats so friggen funny, I don't know many people, even facing a ticket who'll have the balls to punch themselves hard enough to break their own nose!

Good job man, maybe I'll use it someday.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-05 02:26:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

very original idea man, two thumbs up.

I live in Lyme CT, and if you know the area you know there is nothing....at all....maybe cows...and trees...

If you know the area, you also know that the cops are absolute bitches...I swear Old lyme wouldnt even have cops if it wasnt for my old Highschool. At any rate, im a major speeder....its a addiction...


i got caught going 60 in a 30 (which is actually fairly slow, by my standards), i should have had my licsence suspended, hell i should have been arrested....still dont know how i talked myself out of that one


again, two thumbs up

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-10-04 14:06:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

gee after 3 tickets youd think you would take the hint AND SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!



guess not.. dipshit

Submitted by G-prime at 2004-09-28 21:10:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

made me laugh and killed some time at work, great job. the picture topped it off

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-17 17:26:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That's fucking funny

Submitted by queenoftheramen at 2004-09-17 06:14:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-13 19:19:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hey maybe while you're getting your nose fixed you can also get your entire face fixed, you fugly bastard.

Submitted by Luso at 2004-09-10 16:32:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahahahaha!!! That was hilarious!!!

Submitted by Ainkara at 2004-09-08 08:00:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahahahahhaa......

Submitted by kingjc at 2004-09-08 07:46:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

quality!

Submitted by squirrely_wrath at 2004-09-08 07:39:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Shit fuck motherfucker fuckittyshit fuck damn!!" I squealed
-brilliant

Submitted by jlbinct at 2004-08-28 23:12:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you're right the cops are out in full force this month but normally i just flash my tits to get out of a speeding ticket.

Submitted by Khoublaikhan at 2004-08-17 18:25:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-30 15:42:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ok I laughed out loud and everyone looked at me....my favorite was the use of profanity about half way down. Having just booked a driver improvment class at the improv this was all too familiar.


Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-26 15:22:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahahah man thats the most hillarious thing i've heard in a long time lol! Sounds like something i would of done! keep it up dude! hehehe!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-22 15:36:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i've always thought of doing that same thing to try to get out of a ticket, except i was going to put blood capsuls* in my glove compartment and use them instead, but your idea still works

Submitted by ThatOneGirl at 2004-07-21 20:26:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Can't believe I missed this.

Submitted by Goldeneyes at 2004-07-14 11:05:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sweet...

Submitted by Nicole3 at 2004-07-09 11:27:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Donitsu2002 at 2004-07-07 15:13:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sparrow at 2004-07-02 07:00:00 (#)
Ranking: 0

why don't you just stop speeding?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you trying to be rational on Ubersite?

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-03 23:08:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Great story! I should try that, cuz I have the same problem with my nose, and I drive hella fast. I hope Oregon doesn't have that same lame-ass 4 violation law that Conneticut does.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-03 06:47:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I too have 3 points (and I can't afford to get a 4th), but I've never had a nosebleed in my life and I don't think I'd get one even if I punched myself mega super hard in the face. I wonder what kind of bodily harm I could submit myself to that would make sense like that.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-02 14:04:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fucking great!

Submitted by whofarted at 2004-07-02 10:39:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

oops previous comments refers to this http://www.ubersite.com/m/37257

Submitted by whofarted at 2004-07-02 10:35:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think Nigger is very vulgar and crude word and should never be used. Especially when the words Coon, Spook and Jig-A-Boo are readily available

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-02 07:01:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Funny story though.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-02 07:00:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

why don't you just stop speeding?

Submitted by UlfGabe at 2004-07-01 15:27:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i have the same nose problem, it just bleeds all the fucking time, for no reason.

once i breathed funny and it started bleeding,

another time it happened while i was sleeping. maybe i have punchmyselfinthefaceits

Submitted by moxie at 2004-07-01 15:10:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Definitely reminded me of Fight Club.

Submitted by jonukah at 2004-07-01 00:50:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good work, laddie

Submitted by littledan at 2004-06-30 19:43:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

One of the funniest things I have ever read in all my time on Ubersite (id = 970)
B@W Nomination!

Submitted by Falco at 2004-06-30 19:31:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Im going to review this every time i see it with +2 :D

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-30 19:15:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

dude. it's time to buy a radar detector.


Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron at 2004-06-30 15:32:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is one of the funniest posts I've read on this site.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-30 12:36:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You're one ugly mother fucker, you know that?

Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin at 2004-06-30 00:14:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Phinch at 2004-06-29 20:36:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

haha

Submitted by murtisha at 2004-06-29 13:56:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Funny!

Submitted by Envenom at 2004-06-29 13:28:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on the B@W Matt! Finally, some recognition, you deserve it. (As I see you got left off yet another list... http://www.ubersite.com/m/36963 Haha)

Submitted by antluvdog at 2004-06-28 21:00:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats BAW.

classic.

Submitted by Donitsu2002 at 2004-06-28 20:53:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

2k hits woo!

Submitted by Falco at 2004-06-28 12:35:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yip. Still the best

Submitted by dooopydo at 2004-06-28 12:29:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Really, really funny. Heads above a lot of the stuff I read here. Funny even without using the "F" word!

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2004-06-28 12:13:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

So how much did it cost you to go to the hospital?

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-28 09:01:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by anSiarach at 2004-06-28 05:59:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

yes.

Submitted by Falco at 2004-06-28 05:19:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Still the best

Submitted by Falco at 2004-06-28 04:51:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And the guy that gave it 0 in a reply to a review.

Submitted by Falco at 2004-06-28 04:50:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

To counter the guy who gave it -2

Submitted by Falco at 2004-06-28 04:48:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Possibly the best post ever.

Submitted by Mr. Asshole at 2004-06-28 04:31:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by McMuffin at 2004-06-28 03:56:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Superb.

Submitted by atz at 2004-06-28 03:09:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by im_evelyn at 2004-06-28 02:56:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh my. Thats was fucking halarious. I am happy sorry about your nose though!

Submitted by Donitsu2002 at 2004-06-28 02:45:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Go B@W WOo!

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2004-06-28 01:31:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I never understood how tape always helped support them broken noses...



Whew, lucky catch. I nearly +1'd this on ax-ee-dint.

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2004-06-28 01:14:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on the blah blah blah.

Submitted by AndraSidan at 2004-06-27 01:42:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

if I laugh out loud when reading a post, it's a good one

Submitted by Kristen at 2004-06-27 01:27:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2004-06-26 16:45:12 (#)
Ranking: 2

how do you say your last name?

moy-er-alinimagus-o?
-------------------------------------------------------------
HAHAHAHA.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2004-06-26 16:55:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


My-er-ah-no

Submitted by chipolatte at 2004-06-26 16:45:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

how do you say your last name?

moy-er-alinimagus-o?

Submitted by Pacifist248 at 2004-06-26 07:33:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AJ at 2004-06-26 03:10:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Littering and...

Littering and...

Littering and...

Littering and...

Submitted by drink_DDT at 2004-06-26 03:07:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

But officer isn't the speed limit 65?

Yeah. It is.

Submitted by AJ at 2004-06-26 02:59:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 because I watched Super Troopers tonight.

Submitted by Alfa_Veloce at 2004-06-25 23:20:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck yeah.

Submitted by cnympho247 at 2004-06-25 22:57:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


you need to stop getting speeding tickets or at least know where the speed traps are to avoid them.

Submitted by euripidestrousers at 2004-06-25 20:10:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by jcricket at 2004-06-25 19:57:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

good story
i suppose giving him oral is out of the question?

Submitted by Dashel at 2004-06-25 19:08:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by kitchens_closed at 2004-06-25 18:26:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I could have sworn Harry Potter got around on a broomstick, not in a car.

Nice post.

Submitted by Slapshot99 at 2004-06-25 17:54:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Honeslty...........not what I meant.........you actually look British

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2004-06-25 17:31:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Slapshot - No. But my teeth are definately fucked up, I know.

Submitted by Slapshot99 at 2004-06-25 17:28:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Are you British by any chance?

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2004-06-25 17:22:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


JMG - We should definately chill. I'm at work right now, so I'll try and hit you up with an email sometime tonight.

Although, there's not too many places I know of where we can chill. Know any bars where they'll serve a 19 year-old?

Submitted by lojope at 2004-06-25 17:11:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

See, if you had boobs you could get out of tickets just by leaning over.

Submitted by JMG114 at 2004-06-25 16:58:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Holy dogshit, Matt. Let's hang. E-mail (or IM) me.

Submitted by chipolatte at 2004-06-25 16:54:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

that is NOT a good picture of you. but a funny story anyway.

Submitted by Donitsu2002 at 2004-06-25 16:52:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've been sayin B@W since yesterday but... i'm late on this one

B@W!!!!

B@W....

Submitted by lickalotopuss at 2004-06-25 16:16:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MickGinny at 2004-06-25 15:47:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

jonukah's evil twin

Submitted by Hotpocket4you at 2004-06-25 15:45:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Simply Amazing

Submitted by Stabkill at 2004-06-25 15:42:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Clap-clap-clap!

Now THAT is some good reading, Matt.


Submitted by Naheenanajah at 2004-06-25 15:36:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking awesome!

Submitted by shadowdragon at 2004-06-25 15:26:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

WhoLetYouIn- 63, you idiot. get your quotes straight.

-Do you know how fast you were going?
-uhh...65?
-63.
-I'm freakin out, man.
-You ARE freakin out....man (man man man...).
-You wanna know why I pulled you over?...littering.
-Officer, th-that's not ours-
-Candy bars!
-Littering and...littering annndd
-Littering and, uh
-Littering and...
-Littering and...littering annndd
-Littering and, uh
-Littering and...
......[children laughing...]
-Littering and smoking the reefer.

Submitted by vodka7tall at 2004-06-25 15:22:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice work.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2004-06-25 15:21:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

definitely B@W!!!!!

Submitted by munkeypants at 2004-06-25 15:21:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Shit fuck motherfucker fuckittyshit fuck damn!!" I squealed.

"It was then that I punched myself square in the face. "

As I read those two lines I choked on my arizona iced tea then it came out
of my nose. Thanks a lot!!!


Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-06-25 15:12:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Putting a breathe-easy strip over your nose to look like a band-aid is sad. I want to cry now. Nice fake post.

Submitted by Envenom at 2004-06-25 15:09:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Uh..... I have a really sensitive nose, and with all the dry weather, my nose started to bleed while I was driving. I'm really sorry, I've been trying to keep my speed reasonable. You wouldn't have any tissues, would you?"

The officer stared back at me blankly. I lowered my head a little bit, and let some blood run down my face.



Very funny. Nice work!

Submitted by WhoLetYouIn at 2004-06-25 15:06:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

-Do you know how fast you were going?
-uhh...65?
-64.
~Super Troopers.
Fucking nice.

Submitted by jwlmar10 at 2004-06-25 15:03:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Excellent.

Next time when the cop walks up to your car ask him if he is selling tickets to the police officer's ball. Hopefully he will reply with, "No, police officers don't have balls." Then you can laugh at him until he arrests you.

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2004-06-25 15:02:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Classic.

Submitted by Snuggles_The_Assassin at 2004-06-25 15:01:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Matt can I fuck your bloody nose.

Submitted by gassygirl73 at 2004-06-25 14:58:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2004-06-25 14:35:54 (#)
Ranking: 2

If my nose were that big, I'd punch myself in the face too.
___________________________________________________________

I tried not to laugh, really I did. It didn't work.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2004-06-25 14:56:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Everything you ever wanted to know about sliver
User id: 9524
Registered on or around: 2004-06-21 14:48:48
# Messages posted: 9
# Reviews written: 41
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 134
# Hits: 1511
Average rating of all messages: -1.17


From a man who knows shit......

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2004-06-25 14:55:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


JMG - Holy hell, I think we're kinda close. I live in Orange. And just in case you don't know where that is (not many do) it's right by Milford, or 10 minutes away from New Haven.

Submitted by sliver at 2004-06-25 14:55:48 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

i want to punch you in the face for writing that shit

Submitted by JMG114 at 2004-06-25 14:53:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You're a god-damn genius, Matt. Where in CT do you live? I'm in Westchester.

Submitted by facts at 2004-06-25 14:51:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by wazzawazzayo at 2004-06-25 14:49:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Or.....you show him yer pecker. Works for me.

Submitted by Sideburns at 2004-06-25 14:48:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So.. did throwing the breathe-right strip on a broken nose help it any?

Submitted by Spiral_Abraxis at 2004-06-25 14:47:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That picture.....

Submitted by Yes at 2004-06-25 14:44:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

RAWK.

Submitted by shark25 at 2004-06-25 14:41:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good Times

Submitted by AlahAckbar at 2004-06-25 14:40:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My boss just yelled at me to stop screwing around on the internet and get back to work.
I did the "suppressed laugh" so hard he heard me from 15 cubicles away.

Damn you.

Submitted by dohnuts at 2004-06-25 14:40:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Four words that will get you out of a speeding ticket:

"I've got diarrhea, officer."

Submitted by runninginplace at 2004-06-25 14:40:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good one. This may sound stupid, but have you ever thought about slowing down?

Submitted by Sideburns at 2004-06-25 14:40:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Did Sideburns just say something MEAN?!?!

Yes I did.

And I take it back.. I feel guilty.

Submitted by loki at 2004-06-25 14:37:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

wouldn't it be less painful to oh I don't know SLOW THE FUCK DOWN?

Submitted by McMuffin at 2004-06-25 14:36:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Genius.

Submitted by Sideburns at 2004-06-25 14:35:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If my nose were that big, I'd punch myself in the face too.

Submitted by Pittdude at 2004-06-25 14:34:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The mental picture of what this would look like almost made me fall out of my chair laughing

Submitted by DancingHobo at 2004-06-25 14:33:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

With all that money you saved, couldn't you afford a razor?

Submitted by JinkyWilliams at 2004-06-25 14:30:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome!

This one is going in my "Uber Scrapbook".

Fun times.


Stay orange.
--JW


Burns: I can't understand a word you're saying.

Homer: My name is Homer Simpson!

Burns: You're just babbling incoherently...

Homer: Oh, you're a dead man, Burns. Oh, you're dead! You're dead,
Burns!

Who Shot Mr. Burns (Part 1)