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If You Ever Make A Bet With Your Girlfriend, Don't Fuck It Up

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2004-07-12 14:48:39 EDT
Rating: 1.8 on 100 ratings (100 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I am not a betting man.

I hate making bets, in fact. The only time I'll make a bet is when I'm 100% sure I know I'll win. Like if somebody bets me twenty bucks that Europe is another planet, I'll take that bet. Or maybe if somebody bets me that their full-house would beat my flush any day of the week, I'd take that bet too.

Like I said, 100% sure.

This is why when my girlfriend bet that she could beat me in a game of pool, I accepted her challenge. The wager was that if she lost, I would get a threesome.

Come on guys, you know you would have done the same thing. The opportunity of a threesome cannot be overlooked. On top of that, I was facing a girl. How many girls are any good at pool? I know Cathy isn't. Hell, I play her in pool all the time, and I kick ass. Right? Right?

We had a smooth start. She made one or two of her balls in (no pun intended..... really) and I made a whole bunch in right off the start. "Man I'm awesome." I thought to myself.

How the tides change.

Let me start off by saying that women are evil. If they know your weaknesses, they will strike fast, direct, and hard. One of my weaknesses is that I'm easily distracted, especially in pool. Cathy knew this.

"*cough* MISS IT!! *cough*" I heard

I missed my shot completely. I laughed it off. She was just too far behind. No way she could catch up. In that respect, I was right. She never caught up. My next shot, I had finally made my last ball in, and all that was left was the 8-ball.

The magical fucking 8-ball.

"You know, Matt, if you miss this, you don't get a threesome."
"Thank you, Cathy, I realize that."
"In fact, if you miss this, you might NEVER get a threesome."
"The thought never occurred to me. Seriously."
"If you miss this, you'll probably never in your whole life ever experience a threesome."
"Now why do you say that?"
"Because you're a loser...."

I lined up my shot.

".... and you have weird hair."

I watched as the 8-ball rolled into the pocket.

The pocket I did not call. I called the wrong motherfucking pocket. I lost the game. I hung both my heads in defeat.

"Wait, Matt, you didn't bet what would happen if you lost!"
"Oh.... uh.... what does that mean?"
"It means that I decide what happens to you. Follow me."

My eyes filled with terror. I was too afraid to ask what she had in store for me. She made a bet with my purely for this reason. She knew I would lose it. How was she so calculating? The mind of a woman will forever be a mystery to me.

When I stepped into my room, there was her friend. Her very hot friend. The terror left me completely.

"Take your clothes off." They ordered in unison.

My roommate heard this and promptly left the room.

When you have your girlfriend and her hot friend ordering you to take your clothes off, your mind gets cloudy. You'll do anything to make them happy. I knew my threesome was going to happen soon. I happily ripped my clothes off and stood there stark naked.

They looked like they so wanted to jump me. Or maybe they were just on the verge of laughing their little heads off. Either way, I was elated.

"So, when do we get started?" I asked.
"In just a minute." Cathy responded.

Her friend walked up behind me and put a wrestling mask over my face. It was one of those really crappy WWF wrestlers from back in the day too. I think it was a Mr. Perfect mask. Suddenly, I felt my body being wrapped in some strange material. They were giggling the whole time. I heard a few pops and realized that it was bubble-wrap.

"This is..... uh.... pretty kinky. I guess."

No response. There was a pause, and I heard a camera go off.

"Hey! What the fuck is that for?"
"Don't worry about it, hun." I heard Cathy say.

I kept my trap shut. I didn't want to ruin whatever mood they were in. Maybe this was their idea of foreplay. Jeez, that bubble-wrap was hot. And tight. Kinda turned me on.

I felt a pair of hands lead me by the shoulders to an unknown place. I could hardly see through the mask. There were a couple of slits, but without my glasses, I could see nothing. When do I get laid?

As they led me through the next door, I could feel cool air. I was outside. It was then that I realized that my threesome was not going to happen. I was standing outside naked, covered in bubble-wrap, and wearing a ridiculous mask. I could hear people close by laughing at my plight.

I felt something slam into my back, and I hit the ground immediately. Somebody pushed me over.

"Oww!! What the hell!? What the fuck is this, Cathy!?"

I then felt hands all over my body. They were pushing me. Rolling me. All of a sudden, the hands left my body and I kept rolling. I was going down a hill. By this time, I was pissed. This wasn't funny. This was just humiliating. I rolled to a stop, stood up, managed to rip the bubble-wrap off, and walked back to my dorm.

Did I mention I was naked?

When you enter the dorms, you need to swipe your ID to get in. I stood proudly in front of the RA naked and wearing a Mr. Perfect wrestling mask.

"Got your ID?" He asked.
"I'm sorry. It seems I've left my ID in my pants."

After the RA finished laughing his ass off, he simply said, "Good enough for me" and let me in. Thank God.

I didn't get laid.

Life's a bitch and so is my girlfriend.

Bubble Wrap.JPG
Bubble Wrap.JPG

Review This Item




Submitted by cheerios at 2009-11-30 21:26:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hilarious. could have used some naked pics of your 2 friends though.

Submitted by root.discussion at 2009-11-30 20:37:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That fucking sucks.

Submitted by svgwrestler at 2007-12-04 17:30:41 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by rorrim at 2007-12-04 17:05:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ArchangelOfDoomM at 2007-12-04 16:46:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is about the hottest thing I believe I've ever read.

Just know, dude, that SOME guys would've happily traded places with you.

Seriously. This was hot.

(BTW, I'm betting the threesome eventually happened. Am I right?)

Submitted by RenTheUnsightly at 2007-09-01 06:19:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

How did this show up on google? Esplane to me pleese. Ah, this was good enough.

Submitted by bigshot at 2006-08-09 14:24:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

classic. kill the bitch

Submitted by compEngineer0 at 2006-08-09 13:59:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

that is uber harsh... i hope major revenge soon followed

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-02-19 11:37:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny stuff... reckon you should kill her and her friend.

Submitted by xrobynx at 2005-02-19 11:18:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If I was your girlfriend, I wouldn't do that to you ;-P

Submitted by SiskelandFatboy at 2005-02-11 11:21:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm sorry, it seems as if I have left my ID in my pants.

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-01-10 17:06:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You are a gullible fool.

And I think your girlfriend deserves a gut-punch. BAM! Straight shot, right in the baby-maker.

Submitted by ezphilosophy at 2004-11-21 21:26:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well done. I don't give out 2's often.

Submitted by Tigre at 2004-10-27 11:42:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wheres the part where you break her jaw?

Submitted by queenoftheramen at 2004-09-17 05:59:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-09-10 18:37:41 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

You should have taken the picture with the mask on, dumbass. Really believeable.

Submitted by pakifier at 2004-08-22 02:53:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice stroy but very fabricated. Good read keep it up

Submitted by bubba69 at 2004-08-20 12:42:06 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

you're a pussy or a liar! no MAN would put up for that shit from a couple bitches.

Submitted by briancte at 2004-08-13 02:21:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

should've laid there like you couldn't move. That'd scare the shit out of them right?

Submitted by alragusa at 2004-08-09 17:01:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Good story - once and for all:

When it comes to poker:

1. Royal Flush - the best possible hand
2. Straight Flush
3. Four of a Kind
4. Full House
5. Flush

Just Google it people!!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-30 15:47:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

You poor poor thing.....Just an FYI, threesomes are over rated but the bubble wrap sounded interesting!

Submitted by GhostWriter at 2004-07-22 03:18:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by maiorano84 at 2004-07-20 21:22:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Apparently, there is some disagreement with me saying that a flush beats a full-house.

I know it's wrong. Believe it or not, that was one big-ass fuck-up on my part. I will admit: A FULL-HOUSE BEATS A FLUSH!!

God, let it go already.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-19 17:30:11 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Hey jackass, not only are you a tool for choking in a game of pool against your woman, but a full house does beat a flush, moron.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2004-07-19 08:42:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dude... Excellent.

Submitted by Donitsu2002 at 2004-07-18 23:43:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Wtg on B@W on this post.

Submitted by jimbobjoe at 2004-07-18 19:44:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

OK, good story and it made me laugh and all, and I think you should get your
threesome and all, but there's no bong in the background of this picture and
you claim to be in a dorm room. Your dorm room sucks.

Submitted by partygirlcg at 2004-07-16 02:12:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Man im a chick at that is pretty bad. The cow probably didnt want a threesome so she did that to get back at you!!

Submitted by antluvdog at 2004-07-15 19:53:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are legendary on this site.

Submitted by jme7551 at 2004-07-15 17:21:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you cut the pic off too short dammit matt!

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-15 16:39:56 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Yeah...right. Don't you have anything better to do that try to make anonomous people pitty some made up story?

Submitted by Sambuca310 at 2004-07-15 14:45:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

that sux buddy

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-15 13:24:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If she made the bet. She wanted the 3way.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-15 11:05:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Since when have you had to call the 8-Ball? This is the first time I've ever heard of that... perhaps I was just too busy actually playing pool to throw in arbitrary and meaningless rules. Having to call the pocket you are going to put the 8 ball into is a bull-shit rule the doesn't need to be followed. My friends and I never follow it because it's just dumb. I've been putting the balls into whatever pocket I choose for the whole game and there is no need to stop that for the last ball. You should have maintained that you won the bet cause you put the eight ball into the hole.

Submitted by ralphmacchio at 2004-07-14 15:28:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

good story, but not funny. i would have been fucking pissed and ditched the chick. unless you are some type of dude that likes the humiliation.

but good story anyways.

Submitted by Merlina at 2004-07-14 08:47:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

if it happened to me I'd laugh.... I would.. honest. Damn funny and damn brave guy to try it. I'd HAVE to give him credit for that..

Submitted by Kent_Weirdo at 2004-07-14 07:02:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Your girlfriend deserves a violent, bleeding, raw-dog ass-fucking.

What did you do the next day, after the incident? Did you talk to her about it, or did you try to let it go? That shit didn't make me laugh, man.

I mean, all you wanted was a threesome. Big deal.

What do you think that bitch would do if you masked HER, bubble-wrapped her, and rolled HER down a fuckin' hill? She'd probably bitch and cry. Some women are just fuckin' peanuts, man, I swear...

Submitted by Merlina at 2004-07-14 05:32:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

still laughing at "I hung both my heads in shame" ha ha ha. good read. like her style..

Submitted by iddqd at 2004-07-14 05:04:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

cool post, but i beat you.

i willingly TURNED DOWN a threesome, of my own volition. with my own voice. without a gun to my head.

im a bigger idiot than you. hooray for me.

Submitted by chipolatte at 2004-07-13 23:41:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

FUNNY motherfucker.

Submitted by ThatOneGirl at 2004-07-13 22:31:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Your girlfriend makes me happy. This is the same girl that pulled the gay guy stunt in the store, right?

Submitted by volklcess at 2004-07-13 19:01:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I came back from my absence just to say congrats on making Bored At Work. Whoo hoo!


Submitted by stacenbass at 2004-07-13 17:23:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

You need to knock that bitch the fuck out.

Submitted by nt_2day at 2004-07-13 16:45:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

very funny story, next time be a little smarter and find out what u have to give up if there is a possibility that u loose

Submitted by spedmonkey at 2004-07-13 16:16:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W!

Submitted by WhiteLightning at 2004-07-13 15:39:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Man... that sucks.

If you haven't dumped her ass yet, the next time you nail her, donkey punch the shit out of her. Or a Chinese Torpedo. Or both - from the sound of it, she deserves nothing less.

Submitted by Envenom at 2004-07-13 15:33:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice work!

Submitted by geofroley at 2004-07-13 15:32:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RyuFu at 2004-07-13 15:11:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

funny, funny shit

Submitted by Gnome at 2004-07-13 12:42:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

matt's got the poker hand right.

but for you poker illiterate the hands are as follows:

high card
3 of a kind
full house (boat)
4 of a kind
straight flush
Royal Flush (just a straight flush to the Ace)

again, good story

Submitted by Gnome at 2004-07-13 12:31:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

women ARE evil. though i'm thinking you'll remember that after such an experience.

the horror....
...the horror...

Submitted by lessthanfour at 2004-07-13 11:18:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Their full house _will_ beat your flush any day of the week...

Submitted by AshK at 2004-07-13 11:09:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Icon <iconxnoci.at.hotmail.com> at 2004-07-13 09:15:35 (#)
Ranking: 1

+1 for the story.
-1 because you're ugly, and I can't see getting laid by one hot girl, let alone two.

Submitted by johnyboyny <johnyboyny.at.yahoo.com> at 2004-07-13 09:10:46 (#)
Ranking: 0

you didnt get a treesome because your ugly


Someone needs a math class and someone needs proofreading lessons.

Great story, you don't look so thrilled.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-13 09:15:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

+1 for the story.
-1 because you're ugly, and I can't see getting laid by one hot girl, let alone two.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-13 09:10:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

you didnt get a treesome because your ugly

Submitted by Hairsphincter at 2004-07-13 01:38:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by sparkle_pink at 2004-07-13 01:29:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DancingHobo at 2004-07-13 00:13:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed like Jay Leno's guitarist.


Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-12 23:12:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'd have a threesome with you. Teehee

Submitted by jcricket at 2004-07-12 22:57:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

pretty funny.

Submitted by Donitsu2002 at 2004-07-12 22:30:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

holy fuck! haha


Submitted by j00 at 2004-07-12 22:29:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Insanethemind at 2004-07-12 22:11:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by cnympho247 at 2004-07-12 21:57:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahahaha. I bet shes not a bitch. She probably was getting you back for always beating her in pool.

Submitted by Falco at 2004-07-12 21:01:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Your new stuff is some of the best i've seen keep it up Matty.

PS: Sandbag her!

Submitted by dpbcold at 2004-07-12 20:44:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2004-07-12 20:41:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A full house definitely beats a flush unless it's a straight flush you ugly bastard.

Submitted by ZeroSignal at 2004-07-12 20:19:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Im stoned and this is fucking hilarious.

Submitted by NerfHerder at 2004-07-12 19:54:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

But that bubblewrap would still be fun to pop...assuming you didn't get it all while you were rolling.

Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-07-12 17:07:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Tommy doesn't know what hes talking about. Matt is right. A flush beats a full house.

Submitted by TommyG at 2004-07-12 16:29:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Despite your lack of poker knowledge, I'm giving this a +2.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2004-07-12 16:19:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-07-12 15:34:08 (#)
Ranking: 2

+2 for not posting the lower half.

hehehe you look pissed!

Submitted by Herpes at 2004-07-12 16:07:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Their full house would beat your flush... unless it was a straight flush.

I'm surprised nobody else caught that.

Submitted by runninginplace at 2004-07-12 16:06:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AJ at 2004-07-12 16:05:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bart should expand the MVA to 30.

That would give us quick access to Murphy, streetpunk, Matty Mai, PAS, and jimbo.

Of course he'd have to omit squattail.

Submitted by AJ at 2004-07-12 15:59:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I bet my girlfriend that I will never watch "My Little Pony" videos.

She's using everything in her power to make me watch them.

I'm still holding out strong, though.

Submitted by Val at 2004-07-12 15:57:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

plus two for me seeing your nipples

Submitted by floridastate311 at 2004-07-12 15:54:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Females are ruthless...
What school do you go to?

Submitted by JohnGalt at 2004-07-12 15:49:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I am definitely in agreement with JMG on this one.

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2004-07-12 15:45:10 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-07-12 14:58:34 (#)
Ranking: 2

Can I make it up to you? I'd happily give you a BJ.

Submitted by Method at 2004-07-12 15:45:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by vodka7tall at 2004-07-12 15:40:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That picture makes me wanna squeeze you till you pop...

Submitted by Yes at 2004-07-12 15:34:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

dude, i hope you beat the shit out of her, women need to know who is the boss.


Submitted by JMG114 at 2004-07-12 15:34:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for not posting the lower half.

Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron at 2004-07-12 15:26:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by BoogieFevuh at 2004-07-12 15:21:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Woah man, what a twat.

Revenge: next time you have sex, ram it in her dumper. Simple, sweet, and right to the point. She'll know who's in charge after that.

Submitted by shark25 at 2004-07-12 15:14:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You had better redeem yourself. For all men you have to get the women back..

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Submitted by iamshadows0 at 2004-07-12 15:13:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dump the bitch!

Submitted by johnnyno at 2004-07-12 15:04:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Funny story, but I'd probably dump her ass after I finally got that threesome.

Submitted by ess-arr at 2004-07-12 15:01:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

the shit we go through to get laid...

Submitted by hcp28 at 2004-07-12 14:59:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Why aren't you wearing the Mr. Perfect mask?! I am apalled!

Submitted by Totally_useless at 2004-07-12 14:59:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Matt, I feel your pain.

I shoot a pretty good stick myself. Ok, to toot my own horn a little, I've been playing seriously for 15 years now. Tournaments in the tri-state area (NY-NJ-CT). A $450 cue. Which would lead you to believe that I could hands-down beat any girl, any table, any time (with the exception of a couple of pros).

Not happenin'.

Call it a mental block, or just fear of looking like a mean asshole for beating a woman on the table, but I dread playing against women in bars.

Look at it this way. If she was willing to offer the threesome as a bet in the first place, then she's probably ready for it. Tell her to put her friend on layaway for your birthday.


Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara at 2004-07-12 14:58:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Can I make it up to you? I'd happily give you a BJ.

Submitted by Chuckdeez at 2004-07-12 14:55:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Moral: Don't Trust Women

Submitted by reallybored at 2004-07-12 14:55:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

very sad.

Submitted by comicbookguy at 2004-07-12 14:55:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by AlahAckbar at 2004-07-12 14:54:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ok... dude... here is the way to have a threesome.

Start screwing your girl, with the freind watching. If the freind is a slut, she'll start playing with herself.

Then get the freind to start eating out your girl.
Bam Threesome.

Worked for me 3 different times.

Of course my GF was a complete and total slut, and her friends were too.....
It was definitly worth the clap though. Definitly.

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2004-07-12 14:53:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love your girlfriend. Give her my number.

Submitted by WillZone at 2004-07-12 14:52:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You suck at pool.

Submitted by spedmonkey at 2004-07-12 14:52:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You better smack that bitch up.

Well let's call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would
say, `Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't
Homer J. Simpson.'

-- Homer Simpson
Secrets of a Successful Marriage