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SHLONGY HAS A TINY DICK
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My Car is a Piece of Shit

Submitted by ASO at 2004-11-13 21:34:51 EST
Rating: 1.57 on 20 ratings (20 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I’m sitting here writing this on the side of Intersate 55 in Illinois in my broken down shitbox. It used to be a fully up-and-running shitbox, until about twenty minutes ago.

My shitbox is old. It’s a Lumina, but I don’t know from what year. Like 1844. It’s old. It has 147,306.5 miles on it right now. It has no dashboard because my sister left it unlocked in Chicago two years ago and somehow the tape deck got ripped out. You believe that? Chicago is filled with shitty cars, but this is nothing more, in comparison to them, than…a Lumina. I don’t know what attracted thieves to my Lumina’s tape deck. I wonder how much they sold it for?

I am in a new dimension of pissed off right now. I have 25 dollars’ worth of gas in this baby, but I’m probably about to junk it.

My dad also is going to have to drive all the way down here (give him two hours) and then back up (two more). I’m going to fucking miss Saturday morning football. I’m going to miss the Badgers beating up on Michigan State. [Afternote: FUCK!]

When he gets here, I’m sure he’ll yell at me. “Why the fuck didn’t you check the oil??!?!?” he will point out. “What did you do to this car to fuck it up??! It was running fine when it got you down to school11!!!!~”

Well, maybe this pile of carbage died because it had a stroke or a fucking brain aneurism or something. I don’t know. I don’t know much about cars. I haven’t even opened the hood up. I’m rather sure it hasn’t overheated because the temperature outside is like one degrees. The place behind the steering wheel that says what the fuck is wrong mith my car tells me I have: ENGINE SERVICE SOON, an oil can, TEMP, SEAT BELTS, VOLTS, and BRAKES.

So I’ve been sitting here for a good half hour now and I have seen no cops, coming or going. When I was driving a million miles per hour a little while ago I saw four on the road with me. It’s not that I want to see cops now. I don’t need one to help me. I don’t want him to see the two empty beer cans on the floor next to me either. It’s just that I would rather see them now while I’m going fucking nowhere than when I’m 50 miles per hour over the speed limit. I think it was 50. I’m guessing I was going 105 because the speedometer only measures up to 85 mph. Except the needle was pointing down.

My laptop is about to die. I’m going to sleep.



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Submitted by Tigre at 2004-11-24 02:23:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

How did I miss this..

Submitted by ASO at 2004-11-21 03:10:06 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2004-11-21 02:56:15 (#)
Ranking: 1

Poor thing.

Buy my car. I have to sell it because I'm at college and I can't have a car on campus.

1994 Ford Thunderbird, runs amazing.
Um... I don't really know how much I'm selling it for yet.
KBB says $2700.
So, I suppose $2,000.
Because I need money.
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Are you serious? Send me an email if you are.

Submitted by Jarvis at 2004-11-21 02:57:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My mom had a Lumina LTZ and that damn VOLT light came on one time and it turned out some shit like the alternator(sp?) broke and had to pay $700 to get it fixed.

Submitted by MandaPanda at 2004-11-21 02:56:15 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Poor thing.

Buy my car. I have to sell it because I'm at college and I can't have a car on campus.

1994 Ford Thunderbird, runs amazing.
Um... I don't really know how much I'm selling it for yet.
KBB says $2700.
So, I suppose $2,000.
Because I need money.

Submitted by Stabkill at 2004-11-21 02:46:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 because I broke down on I-55 as well. The timing belt broke at exit 100. Nice.

I love those old muscle cars they have in the lots to the east of I-55 an hour or two south of Chicago.

Submitted by ASO at 2004-11-21 02:36:23 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Grim_Hippie (user info) at 2004-11-14 00:31:08 (#)
Ranking: 2

Does your car have AC? Cause if it does you're a step above me.

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No. It doesnt. It also didnt have brakes for a couple days.

Submitted by Libra at 2004-11-16 22:51:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by smokymtcsw at 2004-11-15 16:20:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was great.

Submitted by xenon at 2004-11-15 16:12:39 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by ASO at 2004-11-15 16:07:01 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-14 09:59:12 (#)
Ranking: 1

That sucks. But, the story would improve if a serial killer pulled over, kidnapped you, anally ravaged your hole, and then killed you.

Let us know if that happens, too.

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Are you volunteering? I totally can not wait.

Submitted by AwesomeJohnson at 2004-11-14 10:13:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

my shit-boxes have never paid me the respect of actually dying. they always seem to get donated. now i've got a nice car. sunday morning rambling? yes please

Submitted by Shlongy at 2004-11-14 09:59:12 EST (#)
Rating: 1

That sucks. But, the story would improve if a serial killer pulled over, kidnapped you, anally ravaged your hole, and then killed you.

Let us know if that happens, too.

Submitted by ASO at 2004-11-14 01:30:04 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Freight_Train (user info) at 2004-11-14 01:24:43 (#)
Ranking: 0

dude Lumina is a badass car. It got me in trouble too many times

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I fucking hate my car. I want a Harley. I would rather ride a Harley in a skirt in zero degree weather than drive that piece of shit around for another hour.

Submitted by Freight_Train at 2004-11-14 01:24:43 EST (#)
Rating: 0

dude Lumina is a badass car. It got me in trouble too many times

Submitted by ASO at 2004-11-14 01:23:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-11-14 01:00:56 (#)
Ranking: 2

I didn't read this.

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Well, thanks for the 2.

Submitted by Lechuga at 2004-11-14 01:12:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I never thought of the word "carbage," but it makes so much sense to me. . .

Submitted by Feijuada at 2004-11-14 01:00:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I didn't read this.

Submitted by Grim_Hippie at 2004-11-14 00:31:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Does your car have AC? Cause if it does you're a step above me.

Submitted by ASO at 2004-11-13 22:31:35 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Yeah, I would go check the oil if I were you. You never know, your radiator might have fallen off too.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2004-11-13 21:53:26 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Holy shit. I have to get my oil changed in my POS: A 1994 Dark-Green/Aqua or whatever Chevrolet Cavalier. There are a fuckload of them where I live. I see at least five clones of my car every day. It's a fucking four door. I hate my stupid car.


Oh, cruel fate. Why do you mock me?

-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Daredevil