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Parenting, According to My Father (short)

Submitted by domenad at 2004-12-01 17:38:20 EST
Rating: 1.79 on 71 ratings (71 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

One of the reasons people have kids is to inflict all of the things that your parents inflicted on you on the unsuspecting child. Okay, maybe nobody has kids for that reason, but I know I will. Every lie and bullcrap technique to get me to obey my parents used on me is going to get recycled again and used on the unsuspecting little Bella or Dominick (my pre-selected kid's names). Which brings me to my father, a man who hates so many people, it would be far easier to list everyone he DOESN'T hate than the people he actually does hate. This is a guy who once said during a Thanksgiving prayer (I swear this is true) for God to bless our soldiers as we poured into Afghanistan to "kill the scum who planned 9/11".

Other things my father have done include punching a person out in a Publix Supermarket parking lot, punching a person out in the bread line at the deli, attacking sting rays in Sana Bell Island with a wooden stick, and emptying a Beretta 9mm into a shark he caught while fishing off a Montauk pier.

Yes, I guess my father's not too happy with a lot of people, but the guy knew how to be a dad. He taught me to read with phonics about twenty-five years before they recognized how powerful a tool it was. He taught me computers when they people thought they were just playthings rather than tools that would change the world. He took me to the library and helped me carry back the mounds of books. He read us "Lambert the Sheepish Lion" about fifteen thousand times when we were going to bed. He was what a father should be, an instructor, a mentor, a corrector, and a guide.

That's why I should not have been surprised when I came bouncing in one afternoon to ask him if I could get my ear pierced. Hell, everyone else was doing it, right? Why couldn't I? My father had been reclining and reading the paper, and I noticed an amused look in his eye as he put the paper down.

"Well, Tony," he said, "I'll ask you two questions. If you answer yes to either one, you can have an earring."

Sweet! I was so getting an earring that afternoon!

"Are you a faggot?" he asked. I was stunned into silence.

"NO!" I finally got out.

"Are you a pirate?"

".......no?"

"Then you don't need one." And with that he went back to his paper, leaving me without so much as a scintilla of an argument to stand on.


God, I so cannot wait to do that to my kids.


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Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2006-01-19 14:00:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

awesome reasoning though. gotta admit.

Submitted by Confuzitron at 2006-01-19 13:48:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MaximusPadus (user info) at 2004-12-29 11:09:34 (#)
Ranking: 2

I would have said I was a pirate.

Submitted by nrduncan at 2005-05-10 12:25:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by will72 at 2005-02-12 18:27:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

say yes to both. say you're part of the Brotherhood of Homoesexual Pirates, he would have no choice but to have let you have your ear pierced.

Submitted by MaximusPadus at 2004-12-29 11:09:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I would have said I was a pirate.

Submitted by icon at 2004-12-29 10:59:30 EST (#)
Rating: 0

an = a

I hate it when I type too fast for my own good. *waves*

Submitted by icon at 2004-12-29 10:58:34 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2004-12-13 11:34:31 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by icon (user info) at 2004-12-13 11:27:21 (#)
Ranking: 1

Yep, not much I can say about this one, however it was entertaining.
___________________________
Fuck this guy
___________________________

Good post. Your lack of grammatical theory and punctuation further proves the fact (even before you posted my stats) that you are, without a doubt, an complete idiot.

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2004-12-24 15:26:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ButtRodent at 2004-12-24 15:16:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Merry X-mas!

Submitted by TheMidnight12AM at 2004-12-23 01:53:31 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Sounds similar to my girlfriend's Hispanic dad. Even now, at 22, he still tries to control her.

Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle at 2004-12-23 01:42:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-17 14:43:43 (#)
Ranking: 2

Missed This when it was posted.

Good Stuff.

-Dave

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Submitted by SammySam at 2004-12-23 01:23:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Scrumtrillescent

Submitted by Davros at 2004-12-17 14:43:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Missed This when it was posted.

Good Stuff.

-Dave

Submitted by somnambulist at 2004-12-17 13:24:04 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Solid.

Submitted by RyuFu at 2004-12-16 12:40:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Solid +1 material until the dual questions, which exploded into a +5...the limit is +2, unfortunately.

Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron at 2004-12-15 20:56:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Bella or Dominick (my pre-selected kid's names)"

If you have a son, he will be gay........................... or perhaps a pirate.

Submitted by espo at 2004-12-15 05:55:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

italians are awesome, and so is this post.

Submitted by Man O' War at 2004-12-15 05:00:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Holy shit, something I recomended to B@W actually got put on there. Get in, Anthony!

Submitted by Tokerson at 2004-12-14 18:53:25 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Didn't bother to read it... this is really just out of spite.

Submitted by bossk at 2004-12-14 15:56:57 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts at 2004-12-14 15:47:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The faggot / pirate thing really made this post.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2004-12-14 13:47:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

He read us "Lambert the Sheepish Lion"

oooh my god. i remember the disney cartoon.

the song went

laaaambert the sheepish lion
laaaambert was always tryin
to be a wild and wooly sheep
lambert the sheepish lion!

Submitted by Feijuada at 2004-12-14 11:10:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My dad told me that reading books made you stupid because he did not like me reading so much. Thank you, dad.

Submitted by domenad at 2004-12-14 00:21:50 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by blujnbbyqn (user info) at 2004-12-13 22:43:15 (#)
Ranking: -1

See, that's where you should have opened up and confessed to being gay. It was a perfect opportunity to come out. Now you are just another closeted fag without and earring. Way to go.

Michelle

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Shut the hell up you dumb cunt.

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2004-12-13 23:54:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"...and emptying a Beretta 9mm into a shark he caught while fishing off a Montauk pier"

Man, no one likes sharks. I mean, they have NO good qualities. Bastards.

Submitted by blujnbbyqn at 2004-12-13 22:43:15 EST (#)
Rating: -1

See, that's where you should have opened up and confessed to being gay. It was a perfect opportunity to come out. Now you are just another closeted fag without and earring. Way to go.

Michelle

Submitted by spedmonkey at 2004-12-13 22:28:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sorry, but I just have to linkwhore to my own post (sort of) on this subject:

http://www.ubersite.com/m/53595

Submitted by Freight_Train at 2004-12-13 20:01:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

this is so awesome

Submitted by Loren at 2004-12-13 16:44:45 EST (#)
Rating: 1

"Yes, I guess my father's not too happy with a lot of people,"

--- Sounds like he isn't too happy with the animal kingdom either.

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2004-12-13 16:39:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

domenad. B@W. Long overdue.

Submitted by zakalwe at 2004-12-13 15:26:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

First time, domenad? Well done. Deserving post.

Submitted by AJ at 2004-12-13 15:15:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Did I rate this before?

If not then here ya go.

Has Rizzo ever been on B@W?

If so that makes all three Anthonys.

Though I don't have much hope for 'anthonynewgen.'

Submitted by YourMom at 2004-12-13 14:32:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 at 2004-12-13 11:35:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Everything you ever wanted to know about icon
User id: 8468
Registered on or around: 2004-05-12 11:18:22
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 17
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00

Submitted by rad1101 at 2004-12-13 11:34:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by icon (user info) at 2004-12-13 11:27:21 (#)
Ranking: 1

Yep, not much I can say about this one, however it was entertaining.
___________________________
Fuck this guy

Submitted by icon at 2004-12-13 11:27:21 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Yep, not much I can say about this one, however it was entertaining.

Submitted by domenad at 2004-12-13 09:42:12 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Hey! Bored at work! FUCK YEAH BITCHES!

Submitted by PWNstar at 2004-12-13 08:29:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

my dad knows better than to ask if I'm a pirate. I wore a fuckin fake bird on my shoulder on national pirate day

Submitted by Man O' War at 2004-12-06 00:48:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Jesus Christ I wish I could bury my balls in this post's sweet, sweet hole.

B@W!

Submitted by Donitsu2002 at 2004-12-05 23:48:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My dog is gonna escape from it's cage and take a dump on your bedroom floor and then lock itself back in its cage.... All without opposable thumbs.

Submitted by tech-junkie at 2004-12-05 19:26:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yes, that was brilliant...

Submitted by AshK at 2004-12-02 14:23:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yarrrrr!

Submitted by mrwolf at 2004-12-02 08:07:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-02 02:31:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

Go back in and ask him again. This time, wear an eye patch and a parrot and say, "Actually dad, i am afaggot"

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Oh my god that was fucking funny...

The post was pretty good too.

Submitted by williamson at 2004-12-02 07:39:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahahaha

Submitted by Teephphah at 2004-12-02 07:21:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

When I got my ear pierced, my Dad called me "Shirley" for three weeks.


Good times.

Submitted by bart at 2004-12-02 03:35:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Was your father in American Beauty?

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2004-12-02 02:31:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Go back in and ask him again. This time, wear an eye patch and a parrot and say, "Actually dad, i am afaggot"

Submitted by Saxon at 2004-12-02 01:16:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I could have sworn i read this recently but still damn funny.

Submitted by Lunch_Pail at 2004-12-02 00:03:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

comedy shit

Submitted by precision at 2004-12-01 23:40:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by shandythedog at 2004-12-01 21:54:01 EST (#)
Rating: 0

and in case you didn't know, my ratings don't count (I am the No 1 Uber Bad Boy)so your deserved plus 2 streak remains intact

Submitted by shandythedog at 2004-12-01 21:52:00 EST (#)
Rating: 0

charming and engaging

Submitted by TheSpook at 2004-12-01 21:37:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CookieLass at 2004-12-01 21:27:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm a pirate! YARR!!!

Submitted by firefly at 2004-12-01 21:27:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

atleast he is amusing.

Submitted by Samer at 2004-12-01 21:18:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Impassive-Digressive at 2004-12-01 20:15:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

So... gay pirates are allowed to get both ears pierced?

Submitted by Judoka at 2004-12-01 19:37:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

More Warhammer!

Submitted by MrRottenTreats at 2004-12-01 18:51:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AJ at 2004-12-01 18:48:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by chipolatte at 2004-12-01 18:44:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

good fathers are a blessing, no doubt about it. too bad there's too few.

Submitted by Thored at 2004-12-01 18:39:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX at 2004-12-01 18:37:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you should have said you were a faggot pirate, would have got the two-fer...

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2004-12-01 18:31:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Can we trade?

No, really, my Dad's great too, but I wanna be able to say "My Pop's killed Jaws!"

Submitted by Disektor at 2004-12-01 18:29:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Haha.. sounds like something my dad would say

Submitted by Andrewd at 2004-12-01 18:25:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

dont you wish you could be the gay pirate? then you get 2 earrings!

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2004-12-01 18:20:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TragicKingdom at 2004-12-01 17:55:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

lol great post, sounds like my dad.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2004-12-01 17:50:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You're dad sounds like a prick.

Just like mine.

I miss him so.

Submitted by lessthanfour at 2004-12-01 17:50:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good Post.

P.S. You should've just owned up to being a faggot.

Submitted by zakalwe at 2004-12-01 17:44:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I always wanted to shoot a shark. Apparently it was Jimmy Hoffa's favourite past-time.


What's everyone so worked up about? So there's a comet. Big deal.
It'll burn up in out atmosphere, and whatever's left will be no bigger
than a chihuahua's head.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart's Comet