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Tales of New Bedlam: "What's that sticky stuff?"

Submitted by Circe at 2004-12-19 05:28:33 EST
Rating: 1.85 on 108 ratings (108 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

The boy.

Today he was helpful. He helped with the dishes. ("And yea, it did rain for forty days and forty nights, and after it was over, one could surely swim across the kitchen floor.")

He helped with the vacuuming.

"Mum, there's too many toys on my floor to vacuum."
"Well, you'll have to clean them up, won't you?" (Score! Fuck yeah, you little blonde demon. I OWN you!)
"Okay."

Fifteen minutes later, I see him taking the garden rake outside.

"What were you doing with that?"
"Getting the toys out of the way."

Fifteen minutes after that:

"MUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!"
"What? What is it, love? Are you okay?" (Oh shit he's bleeding he broke his leg he killed one of the twins he ate the cat fuck fuck fuck why did I have kids?)
"The vacuum cleaner is broken."

Inside the vacuum cleaner hose: Three pencils, an eraser, four Lego blocks, and one baby's sock.

I set him the task of sorting out the sock basket.

We had a puppet show after half an hour. He drew faces on half the socks with permanent marker.

He said he did it because I looked like I need cheering up.


"Mum! Look what I did!"
"Oh. Dear. God."
"Now people won't hit their toes on the steps!"
"Uhm."
"Great idea, huh?"
"Love.. you shouldn't have gotten them from the bathroom cupboard."
"Why?"
"They're grownup lady things."
"What are they for?"
"They're.. uh. When a lady has her... uhm. They're like bandaids."
"Why do you bleed that much."
"Uhm."
"What's the sticky stuff for?"
"To.. to stick them to her knickers."

His face went white and he bolted to his room.

"Seth! Put them in the bin!"
"Get stuffed! I'm not touching them!"

My boy.

Genius.

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Submitted by Fey at 2007-04-28 11:56:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ChalupaTres at 2006-12-21 17:38:00 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Why the hell do we trust somethin that bleeds for a week and dosent die....

Submitted by Avals at 2005-09-01 12:08:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yup.

Submitted by nrduncan at 2005-02-22 12:56:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SundanceKid at 2005-01-29 09:36:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2005-01-09 13:12:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W? You fucking whore. I hate you with every fibre of my being.

Ship me the boy, for I am hungry.

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2005-01-09 12:30:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This wasn't the greatest post I've ever seen in my life, but it was short, sweet, and very real, so I think it fits well on B@W.

Submitted by Stabkill at 2005-01-07 18:15:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

A couple words in there got my goat....but how can I go against the tsunami of +2's?

OK, OK! Aussie terms! Bin is trash, I assume? Because a bin here means you would probably keep them. Were you? Were you still going to use them? Damn. Give a paypal address so I can send a few bucks.

(Sure there is a TRASH BIN, but if you don't say trash in front of bin...hell, it could mean any container.) Am I wrong or what?

Heh. Just kiddin' though. Good read.

Submitted by AJ at 2005-01-07 01:46:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Everything you ever wanted to know about Freight_Train
User id: 4111
Registered on or around: 2003-12-06 23:47:52
# Messages posted: 31
# Reviews written: 1146
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 709
# Hits: 12912
Average rating of all messages: -0.68

***

I'd like to see your definition of humor, Freight_Train.

Submitted by Freight_Train at 2005-01-07 01:32:36 EST (#)
Rating: 0

why is this bored at work??!

Submitted by espo at 2005-01-06 22:37:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W Worthy. Great Post.

Submitted by murtisha at 2005-01-06 17:15:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Very cute. Enjoyed it!

Submitted by DeathJester at 2005-01-04 11:15:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well fuck me...

Submitted by Holoman at 2005-01-03 17:13:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Knickers!!! You're british!

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2005-01-03 16:01:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Circe, take damn good care of that kid. He's gonna save the planet one day. Plagues, earthquakes, tsunamis, asteroids, he'll laugh them all off.

Submitted by NerfHerder at 2005-01-03 15:45:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wait, that was the second time i +2ed this post and congratulated you on B@W. What a foolish man with a tiny brain and testicles i must be.

Submitted by NerfHerder at 2005-01-03 15:44:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ah, B@W indeed. Congrats.

Submitted by WhoLetYouIn at 2005-01-02 20:56:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Stick them on the stairs to prevent toe-stubbing...Hahahaha

Submitted by TonyMontana at 2005-01-01 21:47:47 EST (#)
Rating: -2

wow, your kid's a moron. good for him.

Submitted by Snark at 2004-12-31 18:04:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Grats on B@W!!!!!!!!

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2004-12-31 15:27:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congratulations on the B@W. This is doubly good, because that way I don't have to commit suicide with a bit of tinsel like I threatened to.

Submitted by xenon at 2004-12-31 14:33:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

poor kid

Submitted by munkeypants at 2004-12-31 01:30:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-30 05:54:51 (#)
Ranking: 2

Congrats on B@W

Submitted by Ainkara at 2004-12-30 05:54:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W

Submitted by Kent_Weirdo at 2004-12-30 05:07:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

More like Tales of New Bedpan AWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Submitted by Zoidberg at 2004-12-30 04:56:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

awww thats really cute

Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron at 2004-12-29 16:18:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Jay Peg at 2004-12-29 16:08:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W???

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Submitted by the_lone_stranger at 2004-12-29 13:37:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your boy should have been cast in 'The Shining'.

Submitted by Gizmo at 2004-12-29 01:32:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome. Purely awesome.

Congrats on B@W too.

Submitted by kaysee at 2004-12-28 22:40:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Circe at 2004-12-28 21:53:05 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Holy shit... Heh. I'm in shock. That's awesome... thanks, whoever nominated this.

And NerfHerder - he's going to work out, one day real soon, that he's smarter than me.

And then I'll have lobotomise him.

Submitted by NerfHerder at 2004-12-28 21:32:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The step still contains a 70% area which I can stub my toe on. What was he thinking?

Even so, "owning" your son is a feat not easily accomplished.

'grats on B@W.

Submitted by AJ at 2004-12-28 18:35:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Congrats on B@W.

Submitted by Adona at 2004-12-28 16:30:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Brilliant.

Submitted by Robert_of_Duluth at 2004-12-28 13:26:15 EST (#)
Rating: -2

totally innapropriate (and I'm an asshole)

Submitted by Insanethemind at 2004-12-28 12:23:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RyuFu at 2004-12-28 09:10:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

-2 break the chain!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
actually, that's a really funny picture.

Submitted by standardeviant at 2004-12-28 06:11:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I am afraid to have kids. There are already enough people in the world smarter than me. I do not need one living with me.

Submitted by VoRn at 2004-12-28 05:51:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Haha brilliant.

Submitted by TimeCop at 2004-12-28 04:12:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Let's hear it for future therapy sessions. Not as bad as when I walked in on my parents having sex on the dining room table, then serving dinner off of it an hour later, but still harsh.

Submitted by coley at 2004-12-25 04:37:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I still love this.

Submitted by jayjonze at 2004-12-24 22:05:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good thing you diddn't ask him to fix the hole in the roof....

Submitted by apollo88 at 2004-12-24 01:32:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

can't bring myself to do it.

Submitted by NoahsArk at 2004-12-21 20:12:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

-2 die

Submitted by Jay Peg at 2004-12-21 16:20:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:54:06 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:29:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

I can't beleive this isn't on B@W yet...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ditto... you have a very good point there...
--------------
Agreed. 63 reviews at +2? This *has* to be B@W, even if it is about Maxi-pads.

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2004-12-21 09:39:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I love how you blame your own drunken innovation on an innocent child. That is, after all, what they're for!

Submitted by melkorthedelerious at 2004-12-21 00:21:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Thanks for the laugh.

Submitted by HatMan at 2004-12-20 23:28:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I haven't actually laughed out loud at an Uber post in a while. Thanks.

Submitted by satchel at 2004-12-20 17:06:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX at 2004-12-20 15:34:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

oh man...

it's funny, but there's a slight queasiness factor going on, that I think would preculde this from B@W...

Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle at 2004-12-20 14:14:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I sometimes substitute "crippled" for "stunted," too. Glad to help!

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2004-12-20 13:56:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If this post doesn't make B@W, I shall ceremoniously commit Hari Kari with a piece of tinsel.

















*That's* how much I care.

Submitted by Coyote at 2004-12-20 13:54:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-12-20 13:29:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

I can't beleive this isn't on B@W yet...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Ditto... you have a very good point there...

Submitted by Snark at 2004-12-20 13:50:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

At 6'5" I keep one permanently stuck to my forehead to cushion the multiple daily impacts I have with lighting lixtures, low flying birds, door frames, and russian spy satellites.

Never underestimate the power of feminine hygiene products.


Submitted by Fucking foul at 2004-12-20 13:36:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Kids are fun, aren't they?

I wish I could give this a +10.

Submitted by strider at 2004-12-20 13:29:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can't beleive this isn't on B@W yet...

Submitted by Pacifist248 at 2004-12-20 12:51:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts at 2004-12-20 12:09:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

...for passing me on Best ever in such a short period of time.

Submitted by firefly at 2004-12-20 09:53:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Scarlett13 at 2004-12-20 09:42:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2004-12-20 08:34:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fucked up kid. And you're right, lyric IS a cutie.

Submitted by toothfish___ at 2004-12-20 03:22:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2


"Get stuffed! I'm not touching them!"

bahahahaha hahaha haha hahaha haha ha........

Submitted by shitfuck at 2004-12-20 01:59:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

THAT IS GENIUS!!!!!

AWESOME JOB MOM!!!!! Just keep his creative juice flowing.

This post made my year.

Submitted by UsernameTaken at 2004-12-20 01:05:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Kicker of all ass (+2)

Submitted by QueenAshlee at 2004-12-20 01:02:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You know you have to tell this story to his first girlfriend, right? And every girlfriend after that, and then eventually to his kids someday...








Kids are fun.

Submitted by Circe at 2004-12-20 00:50:47 EST (#)
Rating: 0

AlwaysAnEagle - Do you know how long I've searched for the perfect phrase? The one to use when we rock up to the Emergency room and he's managed to superglue his butt to his new super flying machine (built from my laundry basket and half his meccano set)? "He's stunted by his own genius" beats the HELL out of my previous line, which was "Don't look at ME. *I* wanted a puppy." Thank you!

Coley - I want to, but I'm afraid that it might interfere with the children's important "Trauma Repression" instinct. I just can't afford the therapy.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2004-12-20 00:49:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:10:19 (#)
Ranking: 0

Think bigger, Filthy my love.

Let us ride naked Gods over a cliff.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:05:58 (#)
Ranking: 2

I love you in a way that angers the gods. Let us ride naked men over a cliff together.





-------------------

Just like in Thelma and Louise.



--

Your boy has a capacity for abstract thought rarely seen in a non-marsupial.

Submitted by coley at 2004-12-19 22:12:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAH

Circe, you really ought to print these things up for your kids when they get older..a memory book I suppose...REALLY!
I'd have loved to have these sort of stories saved about me.
Like the time I wrote "fuck" all over the garage door in hot pink crayon...somehow I never could figure out how they knew it was me!

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2004-12-19 21:27:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:10:19 (#)
Ranking: 0

Think bigger, Filthy my love.

Let us ride naked Gods over a cliff.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2004-12-19 07:05:58 (#)
Ranking: 2

I love you in a way that angers the gods. Let us ride naked men over a cliff together.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





The post and the picture made me snort my drink all over the computer screen. Then, once I was mostly done choking, and I had taken another drink to help me stop coughing, I read that little exchange. Then I choked and spat/snorted again.





When I'm dead because I drowned in a glass of gatorade, I want both of you to know that it's your faults.

Submitted by AshK at 2004-12-19 20:03:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

First I read Mike's and I cried because my dad died and holidays are hard and I fought with my mom and I am overtired, so I come to your post and read, and read and then it happened.

I laughed until I shreiked, and snorted, and coughed, and snorted some more and just as Mark came to check my sanity, I ripped the biggest fart this house has ever heard. Which prompted much more laughing and shreiking.

I have to pee now.

You're right, we could trade and never know the difference.

Submitted by DanielH at 2004-12-19 19:47:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If loving Circe is wrong
I don't wanna be right.

Submitted by Davros at 2004-12-19 19:07:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I wish something so mundane could happen in my life that is pure GOLD.

-Dave

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2004-12-19 18:04:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i *heart* circe

Submitted by Ferretnose at 2004-12-19 18:01:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"To.. to stick them to her knickers."


Submitted by munkeypants at 2004-12-19 18:01:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

As you are teaching your kids you don't realize that, at the same time, they are teaching you.

Submitted by CJRipley at 2004-12-19 17:43:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Pure awesomeness!

“Kids, can’t live with em, can’t kill em” . . . but they are so cute and innocent

Submitted by Pentameter at 2004-12-19 17:33:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sometimes kids rule.

This is one of those times.

Submitted by Bickerstaff at 2004-12-19 17:16:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle at 2004-12-19 16:26:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Once upon a time, I was taking down a wall tapestry in my apartment. Said tapestry has a canvas backing, so it sort of has some weight to it, and I was taking it down by means of balancing on the couch cushions and reaching up and around the damn thing so my center of gravity was about the size of a pea and barely existent.

Naturally, the couch cushions eventually had it with the whole balancing act and I fell on my ass as I got the last corner of it loose, bringing the tapestry down with me. And one second later, my roommate walked in to see me sprawled half on, half off the couch, with a tapestry covering me, laughing AND moaning at the same time, which is made worse by the fact that I kind of do either this snort or a squeak when I laugh. Either way, the only thing I could really decide to say was "I am stunted by my own genius."

I now pass this phrase on to your son, because he is clearly far more stunted by his own genius than I ever have been or will be.

Rock on, little man, rock on.

Submitted by Beer_bong at 2004-12-19 14:47:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Can't comment.

Submitted by Phinch at 2004-12-19 14:08:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHHAAAAAAAA!!!!

Submitted by CookieLass at 2004-12-19 13:55:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Circe.... I would like to purchase your son to make sock puppets for me and entertain me when I look like I need cheering up. What a kid!!

Submitted by Jay Peg at 2004-12-19 13:05:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Kicker of all ass.

Best
post
about
maxipads
EVAR

Submitted by jack11058 at 2004-12-19 12:43:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

haha

Submitted by Kopesh at 2004-12-19 12:38:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MANICMOTHER at 2004-12-19 11:25:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sounds like a day at my house.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2004-12-19 11:19:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You sweet lady are fantastic!!


This made me laugh out loud.



Well done!

Submitted by FuckTheArmy at 2004-12-19 09:20:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The story was a solid plus one for mine, but I'm not going to break the good rating.

Why? I shall quote verbatim:

"Let's ride naked gods over a cliff."

Submitted by Impassive-Digressive at 2004-12-19 07:46:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can possibly spell the noise I just made before bursting into laughter. Something like FFGGNNSSTTRRNNOORRRK!! Maybe.

Submitted by pen_name at 2004-12-19 07:38:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That kid is definately a genius. His I.Q. has to be upwards of 7 billion.

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2004-12-19 07:28:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*sigh*

Love.

Submitted by Circe at 2004-12-19 07:10:19 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Think bigger, Filthy my love.

Let us ride naked Gods over a cliff.

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2004-12-19 07:05:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I love you in a way that angers the gods. Let us ride naked men over a cliff together.


Submitted by funk_boy at 2004-12-19 06:47:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

plus two

Submitted by klebe at 2004-12-19 06:41:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Kids..you gotta love them!!!!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2004-12-19 06:39:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

good

Submitted by Ainkara at 2004-12-19 06:38:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ahhahahahahahhahahahaha....

Oh god I love you....

Submitted by shandythedog at 2004-12-19 06:18:53 EST (#)
Rating: 0

sweet

Submitted by Stin at 2004-12-19 06:09:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Beautiful.

Submitted by Awko at 2004-12-19 05:45:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your kid's a genius.

Submitted by lordofduct at 2004-12-19 05:45:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Smart lil' bugger ya got there I'd say so myself!

Submitted by Circe at 2004-12-19 05:39:41 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Coyote - you're still giggling at my expense, aren't you? And rewriting feminine hygiene advertisements in your head...

Lyric - Awww... thank you. Cutie.

Submitted by Lyric at 2004-12-19 05:37:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I love both you and your children, Circe ;)

Submitted by Coyote at 2004-12-19 05:35:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

At least you won't have to worry about
slipping on any untidy juice spills on the stairs.
They're superabsorbent! Away with workaday floods...

Submitted by Circe at 2004-12-19 05:34:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I love Uber. When shit like this happens, instead of whimpering to myself about it and lamenting the choices that lead to this place and time, I grab my camera.

"Gotta take a picture! Uberpost!"

It helps. It's therapeutic.

Submitted by Coyote at 2004-12-19 05:32:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That literally made me laugh out loud.
Not so easy to do when I'm at work on a Sunday morning...
Could have just been the word "knickers".
Mmmmm, knickers...

Submitted by CaptainAmik at 2004-12-19 05:31:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I need those on my steps...explain their use again?


Always remember that you're representing our country. I guess what I'm
saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room.

-- Homer Simpson
The Crepes of Wrath