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If You Would Just Die, That Would be Great

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2005-01-05 13:17:19 EST
Rating: 1.91 on 120 ratings (120 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Incoherence is the cornerstone of insanity.

- Jan Hartigan

======================================================

I believe I speak plainly for every individual, as I often like to do, when I say that I am the only sane person left on the face of the Earth and everyone else is crazy. Everyone, but me, is insane.

I was at a corner grocery store recently with a friend of mine and in walked this woman wearing one of the sluttiest outfits I had ever seen. Her tits were pouring out of her shirt and her skirt could not have been longer than four inches. My friend was ogling her like a horny 13 year-old boy. She walked down the aisle we were in and right past us.

She stopped about ten feet down to look at some products and “accidentally” dropped a can of God-knows-what. She bent over...slowly...and upon full lean, we both couldn’t help noticing, whether we wanted to or not, that she was not wearing underpants. She caught my friend looking down her way in a state of subdued shock. She immediately straightened up and walked toward us, with steam shooting from her ears.

“How DARE you look at me like that!” she screamed. I shit you much less than a full-grown elephant that she then said, “This UNBELIEVABLE behavior is exactly why women everywhere can’t get ahead...” and proceeded to slap my friend right in the mouth. Please, let me reiterate:

She dressed like a slut and smelled like one too.

My friend can’t help it if he’s attracted to a slut’s vagina, and I can’t help it if I’m shocked by the echoes reverberating from that cavernous hole. All the same, my friend stood there with his lips hanging down like JJ on Good Times, rubbing his chin, and apologizing profusely, while Slutty McLegSpreader stood there contemplating whether she was going to forgive him or not.

My friend’s an idiot for apologizing. She’s just an idiot.

======================================================

I was driving on I-287 one day on the way up to Maine when I saw a dirty Subaru station wagon speed by me. On the back of the car, there were no less than five bumper stickers, each one dumber than the next:

- “Baby on Board” – A friend of mine put it best when he said: “Baby on Board? Does that sign help us choose with which car not to have an accident?”

- “Clinton-Gore ‘92” – I’m glad to see you’re still fighting the relevant fight. I wonder who won...

- “Save the Whales” – I’m happy that you feel strongly about something, but nobody cares about saving the whales when they’re on a long fucking drive. No. Nobody cares except maybe the whales, and they don’t drive.

- “I Brake for Whales” – And it’s a good thing you do too, because there have been far too many whale road kill incidents recently. Also, see above, dipshit.

- “Don’t Pollute on Your Daily Commute” – Yeh, you’re right. Magic carpets are pretty efficient. Also, I’ve always wondered why we don’t just cross our arms and blink ourselves to wherever the hell we want to go like Jeannie did when running from that Major Nelson rascal.

======================================================

This also pisses me off:

http://www.4president.org/show/AlSharpton.wmv

======================================================

I know this subject has been done to death, but I was watching Fox 5 New York a few months ago, and I heard this “teaser” for the 11 o’clock news:

“There’s a pack of wild dogs on the loose eating everything in sight. We’ll tell you where at 11.”

It was so bizarre that I had to write it down. Honestly, what the fuck? One of these days they’ll follow that line with:

“So until then...you’re all screwed!”

======================================================

Blatantly false advertising is one of the most annoying things in the world, not because it’s there, but because you know your idiot friends are going to buy the shit and then complain about it later.

I was in a men’s clothing store looking for some shirts and ties one day when I came across a rack full of “Wrinkle-Free Shirts.” There was a salesman standing next to it and he immediately went into his speech about how amazing these shirts were.

“...and they are made from the best material and you will never have to iron them because they cannot wrinkle!”

“Oh, well I don’t want to ruin your speech,” I said. “But the shirt that is on display for the Wrinkle-Free Shirts is...wrinkled.” He gave me some bullshit answer that I didn’t listen to.

How could you be that stupid? You could ask a four year-old what not to do if you have a rack of supposedly wrinkle-free shirts and he would say, “MAKE SURE THE FUCKING SHIRTS AREN’T WRINKLED YOU STUPID FUCK.” What an awesome four year-old.

======================================================

I got a ticket the other day from a Boston cop (if you can call a meter-maid a cop) for parking my car in front of my apartment for ten minutes with the flashers on while I grabbed some things from inside. No, you stupid, waste of a life, I don’t have a hideously overpriced parking permit, but give me a fucking break. It was two days before Christmas in a college town; nobody was losing a precious space in the ten minutes I was there.

Whenever I get a ticket from a Boston meter-maid, it’s always horrible handwriting which means that they are not only uneducated, but they’re also most likely wearing three inch-long fake fingernails. Guys must be knocking down your doors when they see you wearing those sexy things.

======================================================

You’re driving a bus from New York to New Jersey. You’re not doing something amazing like saving a bunch of kids from alligators that shoot flames from their mouths. You will never be Keanu Reeves in Speed.

======================================================

You’re riding in a bus from New York to New Jersey. Nobody cares how important you think you are. Yelling at the bus driver will not make the traffic disappear. Hurtling yourself from a bridge will make everyone else’s headaches disappear, though.

======================================================

I can’t stand people who drink so much that they say:

“Dude! I can’t wait to not remember anything tonight!”

Then the next day they say:

“Dude! Did you remember last night??”

“No.”

“Me neither!! It was awesome...probably!”

======================================================

Idiots on the internet tend to only follow two extremes: Complete acceptance or absolute paranoia.

It used to be that they clicked on any link they saw as long as it said, “CLICK THIS FOR SOMETHING KEWL!” Idiot’s thought process:

“Well, OK! Nobody could possibly be malicious on the internet! Wait, what does ‘Your computer has 35,000 new viruses’ mean?”

Then they’ll come to people who don’t have virus problems and ask them to fix it.

“What did you click on?” I ask.

“Nothing at all,” they answer. “I have never clicked on anything.”

“No really, what did you click on?” I pursue.

“Well I did click on a few thousand ‘Click Here’ links,” they answer thoughtfully. “But I didn’t think that was relevant to what you were asking.”

These days, the same exact people, who have been burned one time too many, are way too fucking paranoid. I’ll send my friend, Bob, a message that says:

“Hey, Bob. Did you play hockey this weekend? Check out the front page of CNN.com here: www.cnn.com. It’s really interesting.”

He’ll reply:

“FUCK YOU VIRUS! I KNOW IT’S A FUCKING VIRUS, YOU VIRUS BITCH. I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, VIRUS WHORE!”

So the virus knows your name, that you play hockey on weekends, and links to cnn.com? I see...

======================================================

I recently made up a quote that I thought was mildly clever: “People don’t reward me for my outstanding modesty nearly enough.” I put it in my AIM profile just for kicks, and in the next week, about fifteen dumbass girls message me to tell me how saying something like that doesn’t impress girls that much.

Oh, shit. I’m offending girls who I am not even remotely interested in and can’t understand sarcasm. There is another thing on this planet that shares the same qualities: a heaping pile of horseshit.

======================================================

I can’t stand marketing professors who couldn’t sell the cure for cancer to William Rehnquist.

======================================================

The funniest reply I’ve ever heard to someone being called a “dork” was when I was down near Boston University. My friend was doing something stupid while being drunk and some guy saw him:

“You’re such a dork,” said Mr. Some Guy.

“Hey! Stop using insults to define your place in society! I mean, when people call you a dork you’re really just the biggest thing out there, because dork literally means “whale penis” – ain’t nothing bigger than that!”

What kind of crazy asshole thinks of something like that?

======================================================

I hate those guys who blast their shitty rap music so loud that their shitty car rattles and then they purposefully try to stay next to your car so you have to listen to their shitty music that has an added shaking noise due to their stupid, shitty rattling car. When I’m on the highway, I try to outrun them, but it’s like a Halloween movie with Michael Myers. The faster I go and the slower he moves, the shorter the gap between us seems to get. It’s a fucking miracle of modern science, it is.

======================================================

Why do people blame me when the cell phone service drops out? The call will cut out unexplainably and the person calls me right back.

“Why did you hang up on me?”

“I...uh...what?” I would stammer. “I didn’t hang up, the service got cut off.”

“Don’t let it happen again.”

So for the rest of the conversation, I wet my finger and hold the antenna against a metal object that stands nearest to a south-facing window. I’m not in cahoots with the phone company. I hate the phone company. We all hate the phone company. Can’t we all just hate together?

======================================================

What asshole decided to fill almost every website with as much useless shit, flash animations, java applets, and advertisements as possible?

======================================================

Why does everybody in Hollywood insist on calling Julia Roberts “beautiful” every chance they get? They say it so often that I’m beginning to construct conspiracy theories in my head. Here’s one of those conspiracy theories:

Julia Roberts is an ugly whore.

======================================================

Why do people come to Boston for school and after their freshman year think they are natives of the city when they go home to Connecticut?

“Robert, dear, can you please pass the caviar?”

“Sahhhree mah, no can do. And da name’s Bawwwbby, not Robaht. Let’s go Red Sawx.”

Your name is Robert P. Earl the Fourth, not Bawbby from Southie. Get a grip, you Connecticut shitbucket.

======================================================

I wonder what the suicide rate is amongst local weathermen. What a God-awful job that must be. They always try to be chipper, but you can see right through them.

“Alright, now let’s go down to Jim for today’s weather!”

“Thanks, Joooooe. Hahaha, you’re a classy guy. Anyway, the metro area seems to be baaaaaarely missing a large grouping of clouds that, if it passed over us, could cause a lot of cloudiness! Goodbye, Mr. Sun, right Joe?”

“That’s right, Jim. So did you get down to the country club last weekend? It was grrrrrreat weather!”

“That it was, Joe. But no, I make a shiiiiiiitty weatherman’s salary! Now let’s go to Tonya, the depressed traffic reporter!”

======================================================

There was this Honda or Toyota commercial on television a while back about a “German car company” (which implies ALL or ANY of the German car companies) testing a Honda or Toyota for competition purposes. They ran through all the features with fun German accents:

“Rear automatic seats?”

“Check.”

“Headlights zat turn as zee car does?”

“Check.”

“TIRES MADE OUT OF....RUBBER??”

“Check!”

“My God, what will we ever do!”

I don’t know that much about cars, but I do know that nobody at Mercedes is trying to reverse engineer a Toyota. In fact, I’m pretty sure Mercedes pioneered the use of much of those features in their cars. And if it wasn’t Mercedes, then it was BMW or some Italian or British automaker. But it’s the implication that German companies are envious of Japanese companies that really irks me. I also really doubt any engineer at Porsche salivates at the thought of the mighty power of a Honda Civic.

======================================================

Who watches MTV and doesn’t laugh hysterically? I mean, I know everyone knows MTV sucks, but seriously....SERIOUSLY...who watches this tripe and follows the shit they’re talking about?

“Hey yo, dog, wazza wazza wazzup, my homies. Dis he’ah be da Real World, dog. We a bunch o’ regulah dogs wif lots o’ money and a awesum house, dog, just like everyone in da real world, dog. We’s also got a dog, dog. We’s callin’ hims Bow Wow Da Dog, yo. It hot, know what I’m sayin’?”

What? Who? Huh? “Know what I’m saying?” The only thing I can understand about what these people are saying is “know what I’m saying,” and even that is sometimes difficult to pick up. And let’s just be clear on one thing: THE REAL WORLD IS NOT REAL! It’s a soap opera, and it’s not even an interesting one. I’ll watch real soap operas during the day time and hear some fucked up shit you wouldn’t even dream of:

“Wendy, I’m going to have a baby.”

“But, Jon, you’re...”

“...A man, yes I know. I know what you’re thinking, but you don’t have to worry, you’re not going to have to pay the child support. It’s not your baby. You’re not the mother.”

“But then...who?”

“I was impregnated by aliens from the planet Ishtar in the Curry Galaxy. Wendy, I’m going to give birth to a sacred cow named Shri Mani Shankar.”

That’s some fucked up shit, and it’s damn good watching too, unlike this MTV crap.

======================================================

FuckAlSharpton.JPG
FuckAlSharpton.JPG


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Reviews


Submitted by tatersninja at 2008-07-26 21:59:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by c1ndy at 2006-06-03 16:07:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

did I rate this before?

Submitted by crsunlimited at 2006-06-03 15:45:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was good.

I can remember when MTV stood for Music Television. And then Yo MTV Rap and the Real World invaded and since then it has been crap.

Submitted by DirtyDoubleEntendre at 2006-06-03 15:23:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by EchoBoxing at 2006-06-03 15:09:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by williamson at 2006-05-04 07:58:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by kclovebliss at 2006-02-18 09:17:33 EST (#)
Rating: 1

while some of this was pretty funny i think maybe you should get laid and quit bitching!!!!!!
~bliss

Submitted by ThatOneGirl at 2005-12-08 20:14:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Excellent.

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2005-06-19 01:54:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think this should be on B@W

Submitted by pushedbyboredom at 2005-05-15 01:44:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Wazza at 2005-05-01 03:43:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I cant complain about this!

Submitted by HadToBeDone at 2005-02-23 00:41:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Rock the hizzy, yo.

Now slow down so you can watch my fenders fall off. Fo shizzle.

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2005-02-23 00:19:26 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Yep, you got me. I copied off Maddox who invented the rant.

Submitted by Brillski at 2005-02-23 00:14:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I liked the post a lot. But I think someone has been reading a bit too much of Maddox.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-02-10 22:46:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.ubersite.com/m/58584#1116929

Just noticed this.
Hold Left Alt and on NumPad, type 130 and release.
(www.lookuptables.com)

Hope that will change your life because I'd like to think I accomplished something useful in my career.

Submitted by Lotus at 2005-02-06 05:18:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

youaresofunny

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-02-03 18:23:30 EST (#)
Rating: -2

You're such a whiner! -2

Submitted by Donitsu2002 at 2005-02-03 11:39:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

pats are gonna win

Submitted by fluff at 2005-01-31 12:40:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

very entertaining.

Submitted by jlb392 at 2005-01-31 10:36:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking great! The funniest thing I've read in a while!

Submitted by someone at 2005-01-28 18:26:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Quite possibly the best post on ubersite.

Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P at 2005-01-25 19:41:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"FUCK YOU VIRUS! I KNOW IT'S A FUCKING VIRUS, YOU VIRUS BITCH. I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, VIRUS WHORE!"



I just adore you.

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-01-25 19:17:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Thanks for the UM plus twos. From: Everyone

Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle at 2005-01-24 09:59:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

======================================================

Why do people come to Boston for school and after their freshman year think they are natives of the city when they go home to Connecticut?

"Robert, dear, can you please pass the caviar?"

"Sahhhree mah, no can do. And da name's Bawwwbby, not Robaht. Let's go Red Sawx."

Your name is Robert P. Earl the Fourth, not Bawbby from Southie. Get a grip, you Connecticut shitbucket.

======================================================


AHAHAHAHHAHAHAAH

Submitted by angry_worker at 2005-01-23 06:11:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I love a good rant. More rants damn it!

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-01-20 22:14:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Are you actually reading all the UM post or is it friendly spamming?

Submitted by MandaPanda at 2005-01-19 16:07:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I dunno if I've already rated this, but if I did, have another +2.

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-01-19 15:57:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2005-01-19 11:42:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I love a good youarsoghey rant.

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2005-01-18 19:13:46 EST (#)
Rating: 0

BDF - Hattrick

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-01-17 16:00:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

grandiose

Submitted by newio at 2005-01-16 19:54:58 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by hungovermondays at 2005-01-15 02:36:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

what does the weather guy really do? isn't it doppler 2000 that makes the prediction?

Submitted by TheMidnight12AM at 2005-01-15 01:57:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nice rant.

Submitted by FelizJbirth at 2005-01-15 01:48:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny shit, nice work

Submitted by Yams at 2005-01-14 19:50:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ed_0150 at 2005-01-14 19:37:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by the_lone_stranger at 2005-01-14 16:51:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT! RANT!

MMmmmm baby, you made my ass cum.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2005-01-14 15:12:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W!

Submitted by Feijuada at 2005-01-14 08:31:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-01-13 15:48:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W! WHOO!

Submitted by Fartman at 2005-01-12 12:40:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That is one fine rant.

Submitted by RamJetMax at 2005-01-12 12:19:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RyuFu at 2005-01-12 09:09:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I already knew "dork" means "whale penis"

Submitted by Davros at 2005-01-12 08:06:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

How did I miss this?

Quality ranting.

-Dave

Submitted by TimeCop at 2005-01-12 07:53:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"You're driving a bus from New York to New Jersey. You're not doing something amazing like saving a bunch of kids from alligators that shoot flames from their mouths. You will never be Keanu Reeves in Speed."

I gotta agree with that. And Julia Roberts is in fact ugly. In Ocean's 12 she just looks like a skeleton with a vice around her head.

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-01-12 07:32:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i worry for your blood pressure

Submitted by disgruntled at 2005-01-12 01:55:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Genius.

Submitted by Ainkara at 2005-01-12 01:24:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like you.

Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron at 2005-01-12 01:08:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Al Sharpton rocks a big penis.

Submitted by keebler at 2005-01-11 17:24:41 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2005-01-11 17:16:02 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I don't own pennies and electronic funds transfers are scary and cold. Also, I think EVERYONE knows that AJ can't actually count up to three.

Nice try, AJ. I know your math skillz.

Submitted by AJ at 2005-01-11 16:37:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHA

Youarsoghey pays me three cents for every B@W-related hit he gets.

Submitted by potatomanjack at 2005-01-11 11:56:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"It hurts so good"

Submitted by hairycoo at 2005-01-11 10:00:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Socialist_Joe at 2005-01-11 09:37:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

cocaine

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2005-01-11 09:32:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

What a great thing to read first thing in the morning. Thank you, sir.

*cries with joy*

Submitted by Pentameter at 2005-01-11 08:43:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I thought I rated this...congrats on B@W.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-01-11 04:14:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-01-11 03:54:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

well, i guess it is B@W material.

congrats

Submitted by bart at 2005-01-11 03:49:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AJ, are you working on some sort of commission?

Submitted by Wazza at 2005-01-11 03:18:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2




Quite true ,but maybe your taking life a trifle too serious old chap .
but never the less! a good rave.

Submitted by AJ at 2005-01-11 03:13:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

So, B@W then, Bart?

Submitted by wasabi at 2005-01-11 02:57:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by bart at 2005-01-11 02:24:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

There isn't enough high quality ranting in the world.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2005-01-10 12:19:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny stuff! I had a comment from below to paste but was momentarily drawn away by my job so only have this to paste, Enjoy:

PRINT FAILURE

Submitted by spedmonkey at 2005-01-06 21:55:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You have a lot of built-up anger. Wow.

Submitted by FreshPrince at 2005-01-06 20:33:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ATTN GHEY MENZ!

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2005-01-06 20:19:49 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Thanks for all the comments. I'm thinking of registering the domain name www.impissedoffyoufuckingtoolbagnowgomakemeasandwich.com. Or .org, I'm not really that picky.

Submitted by Smurfs at 2005-01-06 19:25:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ha!

Submitted by espo at 2005-01-06 18:24:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

finally decided to go back to the good stuff. thank god.

Submitted by AJ at 2005-01-06 14:41:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nice.

Title reminded me of Lumbergh talking about TPS reports.

Submitted by EagleHawk at 2005-01-05 21:02:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I read it during school. Excellent.

Submitted by Tigre at 2005-01-05 20:11:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

poop in a ham filled salsa.

Submitted by Shizae at 2005-01-05 19:59:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2005-01-05 18:11:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Very entertaining post!

Submitted by TragicKingdom at 2005-01-05 17:54:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

amazing..lmao

Submitted by strider at 2005-01-05 16:43:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I dig the modesty quote as well.

Submitted by bossk at 2005-01-05 16:30:52 EST (#)
Rating: 0

"I wonder what the suicide rate is amongst local weathermen. What a God-awful job that must be. They always try to be chipper, but you can see right through them."

According to a survey of local TV salaries, the average weather guy salary is 53K a year, with a maximum of 390K in the big markets. I'd say they're probably not faking being pretty damn happy to just stand there and spout gibberish for 2 minutes a night.

Submitted by Envenom at 2005-01-05 16:23:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Sanity is just what we tell each other it is. Sane and insane could easily switch places. If the insane were to become the majority, you'd find yourself locked in a padded cell, wondering 'what happened to the world?'"

Submitted by NYCRulz at 2005-01-05 16:22:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

YAAAAAAAAAAAAY, I like Spaghetti.....YAAAAAAAAY

Submitted by Badlands at 2005-01-05 16:09:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Just when I think this site has become overrun with talentless fucking morons who have nothing better to do that post stupid fucking pitures of potato chip clips...something like this gets posted and reaffirms my faith in real creativity. Thank you.

Submitted by GrandsonOfGod at 2005-01-05 15:37:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Made my week. thanks

Submitted by Avals at 2005-01-05 15:23:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Rantalific!

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-01-05 15:13:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Your name is Robert P. Earl the Fourth, not Bawbby from Southie. Get a grip, you Connecticut shitbucket."

i had a quote all copied out but this one took precedence. too true.

Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky at 2005-01-05 15:09:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Wendy, I'm going to have a baby."

"But, Jon, you're..."

"...A man, yes I know. I know what you're thinking, but you don't have to worry, you're not going to have to pay the child support. It's not your baby. You're not the mother."

"But then...who?"

"I was impregnated by aliens from the planet Ishtar in the Curry Galaxy. Wendy, I'm going to give birth to a sacred cow named Shri Mani Shankar."
--------------------------------------------

plain ol' awesomeness.

Submitted by Rawrg at 2005-01-05 15:07:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

That was actaully very entertaining.

Submitted by houseman at 2005-01-05 14:57:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 because of this line ( Slutty McLegSpreader) it made me think of Grace Adler.
Also for the fact that Shlongy liked it {fucking amazing}

Submitted by coley at 2005-01-05 14:53:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W indeed.

Only the 2nd time I've said that..

Submitted by CookieLass at 2005-01-05 14:42:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I am SO stealing your modesty quote and passing that genius off as my own. I have changed my messenger status to it already.

MUAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Submitted by preraphealitedotcom at 2005-01-05 14:30:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

c'est bon.

Submitted by Spooner at 2005-01-05 14:23:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

spooner2222: Half the nation's weathermen graduated from Penn State.
JH MM13: did they??
JH MM13: more reason to kill themselves

---


Oh, why I oughta!!

Submitted by thaumaturge at 2005-01-05 14:21:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Some things are better off said.

Submitted by AwesomeJohnson at 2005-01-05 14:21:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i was going to go on my first-evar rant today...but this was better.

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2005-01-05 14:06:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good job

Submitted by smokymtcsw at 2005-01-05 14:04:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That was outstanding.

Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude at 2005-01-05 14:04:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

nice

Submitted by AshK at 2005-01-05 13:58:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by Totally_useless at 2005-01-05 13:57:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

mmmmmmm, nYEAH.

If you could come in on SATurday, that would be great...

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-01-05 13:56:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

YAY!

Submitted by MouRNIngLoRY at 2005-01-05 13:51:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

first thing i read this morning, and i laughed. i'd give you a +10 if i could, but...

*throws you a +2*

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2005-01-05 13:44:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2


WTF I READ ALL OF THAT.


And I touched myself too.

Submitted by Yes at 2005-01-05 13:42:25 EST (#)
Rating: 1

+2 for the first "list of shit that pisses me off" that hasn't made go into a blind murderous rage
-1 because its still just a "list of shit that pisses me off" post.

Submitted by Lechuga at 2005-01-05 13:41:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W, no doubt about it.

Submission away!

Submitted by VoRn at 2005-01-05 13:40:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Took me a while but it was worth it. Good stuff.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-01-05 13:40:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by big_wigger at 2005-01-05 13:35:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by munkeypants at 2005-01-05 13:33:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

These are things everyone can relate to.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2005-01-05 13:33:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Delightfully random.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2005-01-05 13:32:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I hate those guys who blast their shitty rap music so loud that their shitty car rattles and then they purposefully try to stay next to your car so you have to listen to their shitty music that has an added shaking noise due to their stupid, shitty rattling car. When I'm on the highway, I try to outrun them, but it's like a Halloween movie with Michael Myers. The faster I go and the slower he moves, the shorter the gap between us seems to get. It's a fucking miracle of modern science, it is.


HAHAHAHAHA That paragraph made me chuckle the most.

This is an excellent series of rants.

Submitted by TheSpook at 2005-01-05 13:31:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-01-05 13:29:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is awesome...Very Shlongy-like. Me likey.

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-01-05 13:29:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This made me weep with unabashed joy.

Although you are waaaaaaaaaaaaaay off on the illegible handwriting = uneducated. Those metermaids probably moonlight as doctors.

Submitted by One4TheRoad at 2005-01-05 13:26:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Jebus, I hardly know where to start...

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-01-05 13:24:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nothing satisifies like a well-written rant.

I have a friend from college who moved up to Boston for grad school back in October (she's from Birmingham, AL originally). She is ALREADY telling people that she's "from" Boston. Every time she says it I want to kick her teeth in.

I also love how MTV pretends that it's young adult programming. All you have to do is watch it for 10 minutes, and it becomes obvious that its real target audience is 5-12 year olds.

Submitted by Insanethemind at 2005-01-05 13:21:33 EST (#)
Rating: 1

+1 because if it weren't for sluts id never get laid

stop downing 'em so much

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2005-01-05 13:20:58 EST (#)
Rating: 0

In case you feel like taking the "WTF I'M NOT READING ALL THAT" route, each section stands alone.

Submitted by JMG114 at 2005-01-05 13:20:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think you're just a complainer.

Submitted by Sassmasterr at 2005-01-05 13:19:38 EST (#)
Rating: 1

"WTF? i'm not reading all of that!"

i'll just take your word for it, here's a +1

Submitted by youarsoghey at 2005-01-05 13:18:30 EST (#)
Rating: 0

JMG114 came up with that title because I couldn't think of one.


Around the house, I never lift a finger
As a husband and father I'm sub-par
I'd rather drink a beer
than win Father of the Year
I'm happy with things the way they are

-- Homer Simpson
Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(annoyed grunt)ocious