Macchiograms: The New Way to Tell People to Fuck Off and DieSubmitted by Pentameter at 2005-01-20 18:45:40 EST
Rating: 1.93 on 41 ratings (41 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
When I went out to my car last week, there was a note tucked under one of my windshield wipers. I opened it, and it read, “I DON’T LIEK THE WAY YOU PUT ANTIFREEZE IN MY CAT’S WATER BOWL!”
I was shocked and appalled. My neighbor is fucking crazy, but why he would ever think I would do something like that, I don’t know. I had some extra time before work, so I decided that I would confront him and get it out of the way.
Before I even knocked, he opened the door and started to shout, “Why would you try to kill Boo-Boo!”
“Sir, I mean, I didn’t do anything of the sort! I’m a very gentle person and respect all living things!”
“I saw you pouring that stuff into a bowl last night…now Boo-Boo is sick!”
“Honestly, sir, I was just pouring it into my car through a funnel. I didn’t pour it into a bowl.”
“Oh yeah? I saw you, you lying little bitch!”
He rushed me with intensity. I had been in fights before, but never with an inbred older man. My senses told me to run, but my heart said, “Think of your training.”
My training? What the fuck? Oh yeah, right! I learned some moves a few years ago from Mr. Miyagi. Everything became clear in an instant, and in a glorious display of karate genius, I pulled off one of the most elegant and powerful moves ever performed: The Whooping Crane.
In a flash of light, my neighbor was sent flying back from the force of my kick. As he lay in the doorway, bleeding, he said, “All right…all right…I knew it wasn’t you. I just couldn’t afford to send him to the vet myself so I thought I could trick you into paying for it.”
I bowed and yelled, “Chump!”
As I got into my car, I realized something that never crossed my mind before. I really like kicking people in the chops.
You know how they say you should find a way to do something you love and get paid for it?
I think I may have found my answer.
The Macchiogram is a like a telegram, only there’s no singing, no little piece of paper, and it’s much more violent. Plus it’s funnier.
For a reasonable price, I will deliver one (or more) of these six gems to your most hated enemies:
Standard Macchiogram: This special delivery embodies the move that made Mr. Macchio famous: The Whooping Crane. I will knock on your enemy’s door, make sure it’s them, and deliver a jump-kick that would put tears of pride in my sensei’s eyes. While this probably won’t kill them, it will send a message of sheer and utter disgust. This is reserved for people who like the movie “Powder,” guys who have manginas and punk kids who spray painted a swastika on the hood of your car. And let’s not forget about emos.
Double Macchiogram: The Standard Macchiogram, only this one is delivered twice. I have swift feet and can pull this move off before the person falls down. Who deserves the Double Macchiogram? How about that stupid bitch secretary who doesn’t know when to shut up, the ugly guy who brags about how he gets all the chicks, and your neighbor that doesn’t shovel his sidewalk but takes the parking spot in front of your house that took you three hours to clean.
Deluxe Macchiogram: The Deluxe Macchiogram is a thing of beauty. This combines the Double version with an added Dragon Kick. Imagine the look of shock on the face of the little kid who stole your inflatable Santa Claus before Christmas when he gets a face full of pain. So what if it’s more money? It’s worth it. I’ll even have Tinactin come with me to take pictures. There’s an extra charge if you want a video recording, which will be handled by DonkeyOnTheEdge.
Macchiogram - The Cheater’s Edition: Yeah, we’ve all been there before. Your significant other goes to the Bahamas for a week on “business” and comes back with a super aggressive form of Herpes. Uncool. I will employ one of the most kick-ass moves from any fighting movie – “Bloodsport.” Remember when Chong Li threw white powder in Jean Claude Van Damme’s eyes? I’ll do that, then I’ll deliver a Whooping Crane that will melt his/her pubes.
Macchiogram - Take-Out Delivered by Lloyd Christmas: So, your boss is making you stay late every night of the week, plus come in on Saturdays? That fat fuck! Just because his wife left him for a muscular college student doesn’t mean you have to share in his agony. Enter the Delivery Girl. I’ll hijack the telephone lines to his favorite Chinese restaurant. When he opens the door, I’ll do a somersault, make a funny face, then jump up and tear his heart out, placing it in the bag that the food was supposed to be in. Eat that, fat ass!
The Mental Macchiogram: Sometimes even I’m not stealthy enough to deliver the other Macchiograms. The Mental Macchiogram is best suited for places where there are a lot of people, such as busy office buildings, malls and movie theaters. The Whooping Crane will be delivered, but it’s to the person’s brain. The feeling is similar to that of brain-freeze, but the added bonus is that the person will become extremely confused. Some side effects are: speaking Swahili, wearing diapers as hats, tying bacon to their car antenna and eating small bits of metal.
See, I’m proof that people can live their dreams. I’ve only been doing this for a week and I’ve already made close to $40,000. I even gave my neighbor a twenty spot since I really did poison his cat.
If your parents tell you that you’re crazy and that you need to get a career instead of eating mushrooms all day long or your boss says that you need to spend less time playing your Nintendo DS under your desk, tell them to go and fuck themselves. You know what you’re doing and they should leave you alone.
Better yet, why don’t you send them a Macchiogram?
Please contact my business partner, Tinactin, with all questions, concerns and requests.