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Macchiograms: The New Way to Tell People to Fuck Off and Die

Submitted by Pentameter at 2005-01-20 18:45:40 EST
Rating: 1.93 on 41 ratings (41 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

When I went out to my car last week, there was a note tucked under one of my windshield wipers. I opened it, and it read, “I DON’T LIEK THE WAY YOU PUT ANTIFREEZE IN MY CAT’S WATER BOWL!”

I was shocked and appalled. My neighbor is fucking crazy, but why he would ever think I would do something like that, I don’t know. I had some extra time before work, so I decided that I would confront him and get it out of the way.

Before I even knocked, he opened the door and started to shout, “Why would you try to kill Boo-Boo!”

“Sir, I mean, I didn’t do anything of the sort! I’m a very gentle person and respect all living things!”

“I saw you pouring that stuff into a bowl last night…now Boo-Boo is sick!”

“Honestly, sir, I was just pouring it into my car through a funnel. I didn’t pour it into a bowl.”

“Oh yeah? I saw you, you lying little bitch!”

He rushed me with intensity. I had been in fights before, but never with an inbred older man. My senses told me to run, but my heart said, “Think of your training.”

My training? What the fuck? Oh yeah, right! I learned some moves a few years ago from Mr. Miyagi. Everything became clear in an instant, and in a glorious display of karate genius, I pulled off one of the most elegant and powerful moves ever performed: The Whooping Crane.

In a flash of light, my neighbor was sent flying back from the force of my kick. As he lay in the doorway, bleeding, he said, “All right…all right…I knew it wasn’t you. I just couldn’t afford to send him to the vet myself so I thought I could trick you into paying for it.”

I bowed and yelled, “Chump!”

As I got into my car, I realized something that never crossed my mind before. I really like kicking people in the chops.

You know how they say you should find a way to do something you love and get paid for it?

I think I may have found my answer.

The Macchiogram.

The Macchiogram is a like a telegram, only there’s no singing, no little piece of paper, and it’s much more violent. Plus it’s funnier.

For a reasonable price, I will deliver one (or more) of these six gems to your most hated enemies:

Standard Macchiogram: This special delivery embodies the move that made Mr. Macchio famous: The Whooping Crane. I will knock on your enemy’s door, make sure it’s them, and deliver a jump-kick that would put tears of pride in my sensei’s eyes. While this probably won’t kill them, it will send a message of sheer and utter disgust. This is reserved for people who like the movie “Powder,” guys who have manginas and punk kids who spray painted a swastika on the hood of your car. And let’s not forget about emos.

Double Macchiogram: The Standard Macchiogram, only this one is delivered twice. I have swift feet and can pull this move off before the person falls down. Who deserves the Double Macchiogram? How about that stupid bitch secretary who doesn’t know when to shut up, the ugly guy who brags about how he gets all the chicks, and your neighbor that doesn’t shovel his sidewalk but takes the parking spot in front of your house that took you three hours to clean.

Deluxe Macchiogram: The Deluxe Macchiogram is a thing of beauty. This combines the Double version with an added Dragon Kick. Imagine the look of shock on the face of the little kid who stole your inflatable Santa Claus before Christmas when he gets a face full of pain. So what if it’s more money? It’s worth it. I’ll even have Tinactin come with me to take pictures. There’s an extra charge if you want a video recording, which will be handled by DonkeyOnTheEdge.

Macchiogram - The Cheater’s Edition: Yeah, we’ve all been there before. Your significant other goes to the Bahamas for a week on “business” and comes back with a super aggressive form of Herpes. Uncool. I will employ one of the most kick-ass moves from any fighting movie – “Bloodsport.” Remember when Chong Li threw white powder in Jean Claude Van Damme’s eyes? I’ll do that, then I’ll deliver a Whooping Crane that will melt his/her pubes.

Macchiogram - Take-Out Delivered by Lloyd Christmas: So, your boss is making you stay late every night of the week, plus come in on Saturdays? That fat fuck! Just because his wife left him for a muscular college student doesn’t mean you have to share in his agony. Enter the Delivery Girl. I’ll hijack the telephone lines to his favorite Chinese restaurant. When he opens the door, I’ll do a somersault, make a funny face, then jump up and tear his heart out, placing it in the bag that the food was supposed to be in. Eat that, fat ass!

The Mental Macchiogram: Sometimes even I’m not stealthy enough to deliver the other Macchiograms. The Mental Macchiogram is best suited for places where there are a lot of people, such as busy office buildings, malls and movie theaters. The Whooping Crane will be delivered, but it’s to the person’s brain. The feeling is similar to that of brain-freeze, but the added bonus is that the person will become extremely confused. Some side effects are: speaking Swahili, wearing diapers as hats, tying bacon to their car antenna and eating small bits of metal.

See, I’m proof that people can live their dreams. I’ve only been doing this for a week and I’ve already made close to $40,000. I even gave my neighbor a twenty spot since I really did poison his cat.

If your parents tell you that you’re crazy and that you need to get a career instead of eating mushrooms all day long or your boss says that you need to spend less time playing your Nintendo DS under your desk, tell them to go and fuck themselves. You know what you’re doing and they should leave you alone.

Better yet, why don’t you send them a Macchiogram?

Please contact my business partner, Tinactin, with all questions, concerns and requests.


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Submitted by Pentameter at 2006-08-14 13:12:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by compEngineer0 (user info) at 2006-08-14 12:55:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

gotta save my money... i have a long list...

-----------------

I need to know who you are. Really.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2006-08-14 13:03:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is glorious.

Submitted by compEngineer0 at 2006-08-14 12:55:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

gotta save my money... i have a long list...

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2006-03-31 11:05:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Bring it

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-09-12 14:31:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I couldn't remember who did this, thanks for the link...I'll take the Deluxe.

Submitted by darko at 2005-04-13 01:47:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wax on... wax off.

Submitted by Kent_Weirdo at 2005-02-08 22:22:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Try to be best
‘Cause you’re only a man
And a man’s gotta learn to take it

Try to believe
Though the going gets rough
That you gotta hang tough to make it

History repeats itself
Try and you’ll succeed

Never doubt that you’re the one
And you can have your dreams!

You’re the best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

Fight ‘til the end
Cause your life will depend
On the strength that you have inside you

Ah you gotta be proud
starin’ out in the cloud
When the odds in the game defy you

Try your best to win them all
and one day time will tell
when you’re the one that’s standing there
you’ll reach the final bell!

You’re the best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ho-how-ho-own

INSPIRING GUITAR SOLO

You’re the best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

Fight ‘til you drop
never stop
can’t give up
Til you reach the top (FIGHT!)
you’re the best in town (FIGHT!)
Listen to that sound
A little bit of all you got
Can never bring you down

You’re the best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!

Submitted by HZRD at 2005-02-08 21:58:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think the last line made me pee my pants a little from laughter

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2005-01-24 16:25:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'll take the standard please. My face. I love getting kicked in the head.

Submitted by Uzi at 2005-01-24 15:26:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Siren at 2005-01-24 02:18:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2005-01-24 02:08:48 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-01-21 02:11:02 (#)
Ranking: 2

I'll pay you to come to my hotel and kick room 609's ass.

...and bring Tinactin... for my own personal reasons.

Telegrams always remind me of the movie "Clue."
--------------------------------------------------------
I. Am. Your singing telegram *BLAM!* *falls down, dead*
___________________________

YES! INDEED! I love you.

Submitted by CookieLass at 2005-01-24 02:08:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-01-21 02:11:02 (#)
Ranking: 2

I'll pay you to come to my hotel and kick room 609's ass.

...and bring Tinactin... for my own personal reasons.

Telegrams always remind me of the movie "Clue."
--------------------------------------------------------
I. Am. Your singing telegram *BLAM!* *falls down, dead*

Submitted by bart at 2005-01-24 01:51:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Great idea

Submitted by Socialist_Joe at 2005-01-21 09:20:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2005-01-21 08:48:31 EST (#)
Rating: 1

as long as you're not singing that stupid ass "glory of love" song from Karate Kid: Part II when you deliver, i'm all for it

Submitted by Siren at 2005-01-21 02:11:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'll pay you to come to my hotel and kick room 609's ass.

...and bring Tinactin... for my own personal reasons.

Telegrams always remind me of the movie "Clue."

Submitted by tinactin at 2005-01-21 01:37:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

24 reviews..not too shabby

Submitted by Saxon at 2005-01-20 23:15:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Clever! i like it. I have a freind who can fart on command, we once discussed fart O Grams........Imagine getting a guy at your door farting "happy birthday"

Submitted by Jay Peg at 2005-01-20 22:54:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

What the fuck is it with crazy neighbors?

Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle at 2005-01-20 22:52:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed, I cried, I peed.

Awesome.

Submitted by DanielH at 2005-01-20 22:47:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

There's a preponderance of pussy-cat posts prevailing.
(Say that five times fast, slap a ho, and it will start raining Meow Mix)

Submitted by Impassive-Digressive at 2005-01-20 22:33:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for the Bloodsport reference alone.

Submitted by Geodescent at 2005-01-20 21:53:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Quote: "I even gave my neighbor a twenty spot since I really did poison his cat."

Hahahahaha!

Submitted by Pentameter at 2005-01-20 21:10:54 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Lyric (user info) at 2005-01-20 21:04:14 (#)
Ranking: 2

Do you mind delivering Macchiograms to girls? Because there's a few that really really could use one or eight.
--------------
No, I don't mind at all. Since I also dislike many girls, I would rather enjoy it.

Submitted by MandaPanda at 2005-01-20 21:07:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ed_0150 at 2005-01-20 21:04:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Lyric at 2005-01-20 21:04:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Do you mind delivering Macchiograms to girls? Because there's a few that really really could use one or eight.

Submitted by comicbookguy at 2005-01-20 20:50:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ralph macchio is my hero

Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge at 2005-01-20 20:47:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My lil' pentameter. You've done me proud. Now can you just do me? Nothing sexual, though. A naked Macchio gram would be glorious. Mmmmm....gash. <lights out>

Submitted by Mr.JackassFrost at 2005-01-20 20:46:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Can I get one sent to Chris Evans, just give it to him at Ubercon, then charge him for it. That's like a double-wammy.

Submitted by Pentameter at 2005-01-20 20:28:01 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-01-20 19:00:25 (#)
Ranking: 2

Tell me, is there any way you can deliver a swift kick to the cahonas whilst performing a Macchiogram? Maybe a Nut-Crackiogram?

I would very much be interested in purchasing such a service, if possible.
-----------------
Of course! I should have mentioned that all Macchiograms are customizable.

We aim to please.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-01-20 19:55:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"I even gave my neighbor a twenty spot since I really did poison his cat."

------


I always wanted to start a God-o-gram service... I think it would be innovative and fun to go door to door and tell folks about the gospel of Jesus!

...what? It's already been done?


Well Goddamn! What the fucking holy fucking jesus mary joseph christ on a mutherfucking cross would someone want to go and do that for!?!?!

Submitted by jack11058 at 2005-01-20 19:35:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

PWESOME.

fucking pwesome.

Submitted by TheSpook at 2005-01-20 19:12:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Are you married?

Submitted by screamfeeder at 2005-01-20 19:11:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Can I get one for myself?

I'll take 3 of each.


Submitted by CookieLass at 2005-01-20 19:07:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I have a couple of boys who need a Macchiogram. Tinactin, I'd like you to sing "Love Hurts" at them whilst the kicks are being delivered. I will pay you both in panties.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-01-20 19:02:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

We have something in common. My neighbor is nuts too!!

Submitted by FunnyAsCancer at 2005-01-20 19:00:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Tell me, is there any way you can deliver a swift kick to the cahonas whilst performing a Macchiogram? Maybe a Nut-Crackiogram?

I would very much be interested in purchasing such a service, if possible.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-01-20 18:59:21 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I think your neighbor was pissed because you used the cheap shit from Wal-mart instead of a genuine quality product like Prestone Lo-Tox Coolant, guaranteed not to kill your cat but ensure your cat will start up at temps as low as -10 degrees!

http://www.prestone.com/tips/page6.htm

Submitted by tinactin at 2005-01-20 18:53:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

We now offer singing Macchiograms. I'll stand in the background singing the Eye of the Tiger during the classic Macchiogram.

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2005-01-20 18:50:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yes.


They said the same thing about Urkle; that little snot. Boy I'd like
to smack that kid.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart Gets Famous