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"Why Does it Burn When I Pee?"

Submitted by jack11058 at 2005-02-07 12:10:41 EST
Rating: 1.9 on 82 ratings (82 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

My ska band was halfway decent and partially successful, but mostly valuable for stories like this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/50159.

This is another such tale.


Our lead singer, Dan, was a Drew Carey doppelganger who therefore considered himself quite the ladies' man. Since most shows we played usually featured an audience smaller than the band itself, the prospect of any of us getting together with a groupie was rather small.

But not this fateful night.

Through a random act of the music gods, we found ourselves at the 930 club, opening for Save Ferris and Goldfinger. It was a great show, and we rocked as hard as a band with five brass instruments can rock.

After the show we were standing by the bar, tossing back a few choice beverages. I love me some Tab.

Dan was trying to look tough, carefully sipping his amaretto sour and coughing on a marlboro ultra-light, when a delicate, manicured hand appeared over his shoulder and stroked his ear seductively.

He turned, revealing the hand, attached to a long shapely arm, which was in turn attached to a long shapely young woman who appeareed to possess that most sought-after attribute of ska groupies. Legal age.

"Hi, I'm Veronica!" she said, her hispanic accent turning the V into a B. "You guys played a great set!"

<yadda yadda yadda>

The next morning, most of us are laid out in Dan's living room, still slumbering from the night before. Dan's upstairs in his bedroom with Beronica from the night before.

At about eight in the morning, Dan stumbled down the stairs as I came out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee. His forehead was beaded with sweat and his face was the color of mashed turnips.

He seized me by the arms and I barely managed to avoid spilling coffee everywhere.

"Jack, you gotta help me man!" he said through gritted teeth.

"What's up, Dan-o?"

"Dude, my frickin pee-hole is on fire!"

I backed away slowly, not making eye contact.

"Jack, seriously, man! You gotta get me to the hospital or something. I tried to piss this morning and I can't, and my frickin dick is like a holocaust!"

Dan is the only jewish guy I know who refers to everything bad in the world as a holocaust. But I can see he's in pain, so I woke up Big Eric and we drove him to the ER in Eric's Saturn station wagon. What? That's how you roll when you skank, bitch.

We spent long hours with nothing for entertainment but bleeding crackheads and unwed mothers giving birth on the floow of the waiting room.

Finally Dan emerged, pale and shaken. We got in the car without a word and headed home. It was months before we got the story out of him.

Turns out our feisty latina Beronica liked to make the love in a very uncomfortable place which does not happen to be the walk-in coat closet in your Gramma Mabel's nursing home. No, she liked it in the bad place. It was a VERY bad place for our Daniel.

When the doctors finally swabbed Dan out (collective wince from the men-folk), they removed the source of Dan's travails.

A jalapeno seed.

Two months later I quit the ska band and joined the Army. I think life turned out a little safer for me that way.






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Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-05-28 22:04:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

At least it wasn't a peach pit.

Submitted by Pelvis_Man at 2006-05-28 21:40:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Of course Veronica is pronounced with a B sound. Only you crazy english speaking people would use two different letters for two different sounds, instead of the logical spanish usage of two letters for one unique sound, being that the V sound doesn´t exist for us.

Other than that, +2 for finally putting jalapeños, ska and sex toghether. Or something like that. Whatever.

Submitted by gAGGLE at 2005-10-07 19:36:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

cringe

Submitted by sideshow at 2005-08-19 18:53:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good shit

Submitted by Envenom at 2005-08-19 09:11:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Rope at 2005-06-21 07:32:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ow. bag up, son.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-21 06:59:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This happened to me one time.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2005-06-21 06:47:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well done dude, you're on collegehumor.com

All those from CH, don't sign up. This site isn't for you.

Submitted by joedaddy at 2005-04-27 23:34:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Just happened to catch this on MRR, and I'm quite happy I checked it out.
Reminded me of when I was young and would "hit" anything, regardless if it was "hot" or not.
But a "backdoor seed"?
Talk about unlucky!

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2005-04-27 22:57:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ska became such a fashion trend and lifestlye after sublime hit. I can't say I ever really got into it. Good post, though.

Submitted by canadia at 2005-04-08 17:06:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HA!

Submitted by MoneyG at 2005-04-07 01:52:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Even if I used all capital letters, it could not convey just how loudly I am laughing at your friend's misfortune. That Royally Sucks.

Submitted by ScottMaximus at 2005-03-08 21:58:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

thats awesome and disguesting at the same time.

Submitted by CoffeeAndSmokes at 2005-02-25 10:34:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

haha awesome.

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-02-19 11:36:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by SullyThePirate at 2005-02-12 18:01:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Way to go on B@W, man. Great post.

Submitted by spedmonkey at 2005-02-11 15:04:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Faithless_Whisper (user info) at 2005-02-11 11:48:46 (#)
Ranking: 2

New meaning to the term "Hot piece of ass."

--------------------------------------

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Submitted by AJ at 2005-02-11 11:55:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow.

Submitted by Faithless_Whisper at 2005-02-11 11:48:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

So funny, I have trouble believeing it actually happened. New meaning to the term "Hot piece of ass."

Submitted by Envenom at 2005-02-09 20:37:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Great post.

Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron at 2005-02-09 20:27:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by zakalwe at 2005-02-09 13:08:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2005-02-07 12:33:47 (#)
Ranking: 0

dan wasn't the brightest guy in the world.
---------------------

no shit

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-02-09 10:32:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ASO at 2005-02-09 10:32:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Can you even imagine the pain he was in?

Fucking ouch.

Submitted by Method at 2005-02-09 10:21:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

its all downhill from here, Jack ol boy.

Submitted by jack11058 at 2005-02-09 10:19:27 EST (#)
Rating: 0

holy shit. b@w??? i've finally made it!




i'm a sad little man.


thanks everyone.

Submitted by Method at 2005-02-09 10:09:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W

Submitted by TheJedi at 2005-02-09 09:11:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Is this a true story? Can that really happen?

Submitted by Kraven at 2005-02-09 08:50:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Guess its better than a grape fruit seed... but oooowuuuch...

Submitted by kai070169 at 2005-02-08 12:38:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's a new one.

Submitted by big_wigger at 2005-02-08 10:27:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ooohhhh...that smarts!


FUN FACT: I used to work across the way from Save Ferris lead singer Monique when she was working in the Laguna Art Gallery in South Coast Plaza. She probably doesnt remember the tall, smoking hot waiter with the blond ponytail from Pirets, but I'd like to think she does.

Submitted by YELLOW-MAN at 2005-02-08 09:11:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Jay_Bassman at 2005-02-08 08:59:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2005-02-07 15:47:31 (#)
Ranking: 2

Turns out our feisty latina Beronica liked to make the love in a very uncomfortable place
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

like in the back of a volkswagen?




HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Shit, now I can't remember what mobie that's from... it's "Mallrats" isn't it?


Oh yeah, fucking amusing post, dude. Poor Dan though... jalapeno in your peeny. Jalapeeny. Bery amusing, nonetheless.

Submitted by MisterLongbaugh at 2005-02-08 07:44:20 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Funny, yeah. But I heard this joke years ago.

Submitted by BillsSBChamps at 2005-02-08 01:56:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

YES!!!

Submitted by okokididitbutiwasdrunk at 2005-02-08 01:47:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for anal sex

with your mom

and your dad

while you teabag me

please?


Submitted by bush_for_god at 2005-02-08 01:11:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

try pising out a stone

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-02-07 22:27:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ah-chee mama!

Submitted by NoahsArk at 2005-02-07 22:17:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

automatic ska +2

Submitted by Wiggles at 2005-02-07 21:14:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

CHRIST

Submitted by benjamindover at 2005-02-07 19:56:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

reminds me of a time i was in prison, and I buttfucked a chinese guys and got wasabee stuck in my urethra.

read about my other fasinating prison adventures here:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/57882

i am a used up, crotch rot infested hit whore... i know..

Submitted by comicbookguy at 2005-02-07 19:08:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

holy christ

Submitted by sebcharrot at 2005-02-07 19:05:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!

My legs are crossed as hard as i can push them.

Next time you see that guy, shake his hand for me. I truly am sorry.

Submitted by RiseAgainst at 2005-02-07 18:45:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"my frickin dick is like a holocaust!"

+2 just for your bandmate saying that.

Submitted by Saxon at 2005-02-07 18:23:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I was expecting the lyric to a Frank Zappa song but this was funny, a good read.

Submitted by shandythedog at 2005-02-07 17:24:13 EST (#)
Rating: 0

excellent

the presence of undigested food really brings home the deeper nature of anal

Submitted by Jarvis at 2005-02-07 17:15:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I hate ska.

Submitted by jack11058 at 2005-02-07 17:10:57 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by screamfeeder (user info) at 2005-02-07 16:45:55 (#)
Ranking: 2

Why does this all sound so familiar?

===

Dan?

Submitted by screamfeeder at 2005-02-07 16:45:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Why does this all sound so familiar?

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-02-07 16:01:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The sheer pain of having a non-irritating object the size of a jalepeno seed in one's urethra is bad enough. Add capsacin to it...holy shit! (pun not intended)

Props to you, and sympathies to your friend

Submitted by project_nessa at 2005-02-07 16:00:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahahahahaha...i can not type this enough.

Submitted by thaumaturge at 2005-02-07 15:58:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HA! I bet he wasn't fucking anytime soon after that. He probably abstains from the shit pipe now.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-02-07 15:55:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's the same Dan you fucked with when he was in blackout?
Man, that guy's got a bad track record...

Submitted by L-Gizzle at 2005-02-07 15:47:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Turns out our feisty latina Beronica liked to make the love in a very uncomfortable place
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

like in the back of a volkswagen?

Submitted by munkeypants at 2005-02-07 15:35:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

oh my!

Submitted by 1Point21Gigawatts at 2005-02-07 15:32:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Pretty good story, however I don't get why it took you months to get the story out of your boy. I would've ran out the clinic to drop that story, then it would've been on Uber the next morning.

Submitted by Donitsu2002 at 2005-02-07 15:14:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

all I can say is....

























Aye Caremva

Submitted by precision at 2005-02-07 15:07:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ANYTHING up your pee hole is a bad thing! A very bad thing.

Submitted by Timmah at 2005-02-07 15:00:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Bravo

Submitted by seanfogy at 2005-02-07 14:31:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This +2 is for Dan. I can't even imagine the kind of pain he was in.

Submitted by JMG114 at 2005-02-07 14:30:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ow! Ow ow!

Submitted by drfeggphd at 2005-02-07 13:23:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

another good reason to chew thoroughly before swallowing.

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2005-02-07 13:13:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This buggers belief.

Hah! See what I did there? Beggers....buggers.....yeah??









I'll get my coat.

Submitted by bossk at 2005-02-07 13:08:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

How the fuck did SHE walk around with a jalapeno seed in her very uncomfortable place? I wouldn't think she'd be feeling so well, either.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2005-02-07 12:56:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

made me laugh

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-02-07 12:42:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good fucking Lord!

Submitted by xenon at 2005-02-07 12:39:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

gross!

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-02-07 12:35:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Gold

Submitted by jack11058 at 2005-02-07 12:33:47 EST (#)
Rating: 0

dan wasn't the brightest guy in the world.

Submitted by the_lone_stranger at 2005-02-07 12:32:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

He bare-dicked a stranger in the ass?

He's lucky he didn't catch ass rabies.

Submitted by knucklesnelson at 2005-02-07 12:28:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by jack11058 at 2005-02-07 12:25:26 EST (#)
Rating: 0

What was the name of your band? I was also in a ska band, we were minors playing in bars so I fully understand trying to look cool while drinking a tab. usully "Warmed up" before we went to the evenings venue though.


The Ratchet Boys.

We played mostly in Baltimore, Gairthersburg, and Wheaton, with occasionaly shows in DC.

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2005-02-07 12:24:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAewwwww.

Submitted by Vomit at 2005-02-07 12:22:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2005-02-07 12:18:20 (#)
Ranking: 2

Um.

Ouch.

Submitted by MandaPanda at 2005-02-07 12:19:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yucky.

Submitted by TheSpook at 2005-02-07 12:18:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Um.

Ouch.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2005-02-07 12:18:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Freakin horrid:

When the doctors finally swabbed Dan out (collective wince from the men-folk), they removed the source of Dan's travails.

A jalapeno seed.


What was the name of your band? I was also in a ska band, we were minors playing in bars so I fully understand trying to look cool while drinking a tab. usully "Warmed up" before we went to the evenings venue though.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2005-02-07 12:16:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You quit, and the story was cool.

Submitted by funk_boy at 2005-02-07 12:15:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

laughed out loud. i did. at least twice.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2005-02-07 12:15:22 EST (#)
Rating: -2

5 brass instruments and you're not in a wind orchestra? Something is very wrong there.

Submitted by TheSunGod at 2005-02-07 12:14:44 EST (#)
Rating: 0

heinous.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-02-07 12:13:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahahahah!

although the mechanica of getting that up my japs-eye makes me shudder.


That's weird. It's like something out of that twilighty show about
that zone.

-- Homer Simpson
Treehouse of Horror VI