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Who the hell keeps buying these bullshit cards?

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-04-22 21:13:01 EDT
Rating: 1.75 on 73 ratings (73 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I was at work today, and some woman who use to work there has had a baby boy last week or something.

She left before I got there, so I didn't really give a crap (and it would have to be a really good friend of mine before I do anyway), but apparntly she was quite popular in her time and so the people who did know her passed around her card.

I caught sight of the card as it passed over desks. It said on the front:

"You've had a baby BOY"

No shit. I'm sure she'll really appreciate that, just in case she didn't think to confirm what the doctors had told her. Sitting there in bed, she can breath a sigh of relief in the knowledge that she did indeed have a baby boy.

Well not a baby boy, but a baby BOY. Lucky they put it in caps as big as possibly on the card, otherwise she might forget all too easy. And we wouldn't want the sprog to get a cold pecker when she keeps whipping it out to check what sex her child is.

God bless the people who make those cards. They provide a service that far exceeds the £2 value they place on it.

I'd prefer we got her one that said something like:

"Did you know statistically there is a strong chance you have the wrong baby?"

At least then it would keep the bitch guessing. Instead of spoon-feeding her some shit she already knows.

Who decides where we draw the line?

"You've had a RETARD"

"Congratulations on the overdue birth of you're incredibly oversized baby that hurt like shit when giving birth to it"

"You're figure's fucked forever more"

It's not just baby cards either. On my 18th birthday I remember getting a card from some Aunty I apparantly have. No present though, so I didn't remember her name. It said something like:

"You're 18!" You're shitting me? I just thought people were joking all my life. "Now you can drink."

And that was it. No punchline inside the card or anything. She might as well have saved her money and sent a post-it note, or a fact sheet summarising the law regarding the purchase and consumption of alcohol.

Stupid bitch. Bet she's fat and lonely.

If I'm going to get a card with information and not jokes, I'd rather it was both something interesting and something that I didn't already know.

Or even better, over the years just not get any card and just have everyone save a few pound each birthday, christmas, etc and then when I reach 35 just give me all the money that was saved.

I got a card off my nan with a seagull on it. And as for someone who is scared of animals that fly, I fucking loved that card compared to one spoon feeding me information that I'm already shitting out.

I've created a leaflet that I'm just going to hand out to people when they have kids. It's attached in case any of you agree.

leaflet.jpg
leaflet.jpg


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Submitted by ghola at 2007-07-27 11:29:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i don't believe in gifts or cards.

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2006-03-31 23:02:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Congratulations on the overdue birth of you're incredibly oversized baby that hurt like shit when giving birth to it"

"You're figure's fucked forever more"
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I got that card in triplicate

Submitted by silent1 at 2006-03-31 21:51:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was funny but this comment made it absolute gold!

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Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:04:23 (#)
Ranking: 2

Something not remotely witty but slightly more amusing than your average broken aardvark. Of course this doesn't involve aardvarks in the stand up comedy business who are probably an awful lot wittier than this comment.

Not that I have anything against the aardvark community of course. Far be it from me to berate the little fellows, not that I am trying in anyway to condescend to arrdvarks or any other mildly unusual mammal for that matter.

Just pointing out that this comment hopefully holds more wit than a broken quadroped is all.

Forget I mentioned it.

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-03-21 01:24:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-02-09 09:23:22 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:23:50 (#)
Ranking: 2

That baby looks like a potato.

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2006-02-09 09:23:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2005-05-17 04:23:50 (#)
Ranking: 2

That baby looks like a potato.

Submitted by alfakyle at 2005-07-04 13:18:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by bizzy at 2005-07-04 12:49:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

If it wasn't for this line, it'd be a worth reading:
"Stupid bitch. Bet she's fat and lonely."
Congrats on B@W

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2005-06-20 01:50:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is DEFINITELY B@W worthy. There's way worse stuff on there.

Submitted by tehgareh at 2005-05-26 00:02:40 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Submitted by WookieSuave at 2005-05-17 04:23:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That baby looks like a potato.

Submitted by pushedbyboredom at 2005-05-05 00:39:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Definately funny but not as funny as most of the B@W stuff. Congrats anyways.

Submitted by RyuFu at 2005-05-04 09:24:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I guess I'm a dissenting opinion. I thought this was simply a solid "worth reading".

Submitted by Fabit at 2005-04-27 04:36:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Cor Blimey mate! The people love you. There will be a fan site dedicated to you soon! Good work buddy

Submitted by Davros at 2005-04-27 04:14:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Pentameter at 2005-04-26 22:12:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bored at Work...nice!

This is fucking gold.

Submitted by Spooner at 2005-04-26 19:00:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I don't mind this post at all.

Submitted by JMG114 at 2005-04-26 18:45:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You're on BORED AT WORK. Congrats. This is hysterical.

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2005-04-26 14:22:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Funny, but B@W?

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2005-04-26 13:24:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I couldn't agree more... I hate receiving cards, they are good for nothing!

Congrats on B@W

Submitted by canadia at 2005-04-26 12:37:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Let me enlighten you...

This whole card thing is a conspiracy... I tried to stay out of it, but because I'm a girl, I was taken into boot camp, tought that all holidays deserve a card, including natural things like birth (would you give someone a card for taking a shit? I wouldn't) but I digress...

I bet I'll feel different one day, but when I got married I got tons of cards, which I had to answer with cards, and it pissed me off that I had to say thank you to a card I never asked for in the first place with another card...

Who is killing our forests now! Down with women and their cards damn it!

Submitted by lordhamlett at 2005-04-26 12:30:06 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-26 11:01:22 (#)
Ranking: 2

Only joking, though I bet you really hate emoticons- have one of them too :)
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No I don't.

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2005-04-26 12:00:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

cute

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2005-04-26 11:02:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hehehehe - start a site, with ecards that you'd actually love to send.

I'll start you off "Yeah, the sex is good, but you bore me senseless. Can we just be fuck buddies?"

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 11:01:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by lordhamlett (user info) at 2005-04-26 10:46:22 (#)
Ranking: -2

-2 for the wrong forms of "your".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your a dirty animal.
your upsetting me greatly with your inherant nazism.
your licking my balls harder than anyone ever has before.

You like that bitch? Huh? You like my incorrect puntuation? Have some more

Your a cum guzzling granny shagger
Your a dirty dick stained undergarment
Your an ass eating clown grabber

Only joking, though I bet you really hate emoticons- have one of them too :)

And one final sentence completey mis-spelled and mispunctuated... go scru urself ,u ass ole?.

(Not really)

Submitted by lordhamlett at 2005-04-26 10:46:22 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

-2 for the wrong forms of "your".

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-04-26 10:24:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 10:07:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ta-daa!

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 10:06:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No Comment

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 10:04:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Something not remotely witty but slightly more amusing than your average broken aardvark. Of course this doesn't involve aardvarks in the stand up comedy business who are probably an awful lot wittier than this comment.

Not that I have anything against the aardvark community of course. Far be it from me to berate the little fellows, not that I am trying in anyway to condescend to arrdvarks or any other mildly unusual mammal for that matter.

Just pointing out that this comment hopefully holds more wit than a broken quadroped is all.

Forget I mentioned it.

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 09:57:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Something almost as witty as the second comment but maybe slightly more witty than the third.

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 09:56:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Something witty mark2

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 09:56:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Something witty

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 09:55:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Looks like I have to say something witty with each attempt or it ignores my no comments and lets the float around in the ether unaffecting of your post.

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 09:54:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is like the tenth time I've responded with a plus2 but they aren't appearing???

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 09:50:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 09:50:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Shit. I must have hit the roller. I'm really sorry I minus2'd this. At least the attention I got you hopefully got it onto bored@work... have some more plus2's. God damn it.

Submitted by espo at 2005-04-26 09:44:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

funny, but not B@W funny.

way to soil, bart.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-04-26 06:22:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-26 06:03:30 (#)
Ranking: 0

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Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-26 04:43:54 (#)
Ranking: 2

I guess you don't have to review this anymore, Mr. B@W.

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But who ever stops talking about their first time?

=======================

Me, but thats because it was with my friend's father.

When I was 6.

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-04-26 06:14:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Spam at 2005-04-26 06:05:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Great stuff and congrats on B@W

wolf - why did you -2 this?!

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-04-26 06:03:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-04-26 04:43:54 (#)
Ranking: 2

I guess you don't have to review this anymore, Mr. B@W.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

But who ever stops talking about their first time?

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-04-26 04:43:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I guess you don't have to review this anymore, Mr. B@W.

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-26 04:05:34 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-25 13:54:35 (#)
Ranking: 0

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Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-04-25 12:05:03 (#)
Ranking: 2

How Squijee has rated other users
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) 10 on 5 = 2.00


You're winning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks muchly.

I should stop rating my own stuff to reply to people. It's getting to be arrogant

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yeah but that's the fun of it. Check through my profile, you'll find I've replied to almost every single review ever, usually with hilarious consequences as they say in the movies.

If it gets you hits review it to bits, that's my motto

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-04-25 13:54:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by Squijee (user info) at 2005-04-25 12:05:03 (#)
Ranking: 2

How Squijee has rated other users
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) 10 on 5 = 2.00


You're winning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks muchly.

I should stop rating my own stuff to reply to people. It's getting to be arrogant

Submitted by darko at 2005-04-25 12:23:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I eat babies.

Submitted by Squijee at 2005-04-25 12:05:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

How Squijee has rated other users
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) 10 on 5 = 2.00


You're winning.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-04-25 12:01:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-25 10:39:54 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-23 11:34:25 (#)
Ranking: 0

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Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-23 08:05:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

Everytime I see your name at the top of a post, I go "ahh I remember that guy, but I can't remember what for", then I read the post and realise its because you're a fucking riot.

Well done, if there was a best-newcomer award it should have gone to you about a month ago.

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You're a beautiful man

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And you know what else? Get back on the MRR where you belong ye scurvy post!

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You get more beautiful by the second.

If I were gay...actually let's not down that route. You're swell

Submitted by knucklesnelson at 2005-04-25 10:52:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-04-25 10:51:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-04-25 10:48:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Congratulations on the overdue birth of you're incredibly oversized baby that hurt like shit when giving birth to it"

--------------
I wish that someone would have gotten me a card like that. That is love right there.

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-25 10:39:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-04-23 11:34:25 (#)
Ranking: 0

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Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-23 08:05:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

Everytime I see your name at the top of a post, I go "ahh I remember that guy, but I can't remember what for", then I read the post and realise its because you're a fucking riot.

Well done, if there was a best-newcomer award it should have gone to you about a month ago.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're a beautiful man

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And you know what else? Get back on the MRR where you belong ye scurvy post!

Submitted by jack11058 at 2005-04-23 23:42:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by zxcvvcxz at 2005-04-23 23:28:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wholly agree that greeting cards are shit. HOWEVER, that fact opens the door to a fun possibility which I use frequently. For example, if someone has a baby, give them a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDSON!" gift card. If it's their birthday, hit them up with a "I'M SORRY YOUR DOG GOT RAN OVER BY A TRACTOR" card. The goal is to find the most obscure card for the event most unrelated to the one being celebrated.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-04-23 20:15:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

As if by magic (I don't believe in coincidence) someone who I see down the bar I go to has now knocked up his wife/girlfriend/daughter (wasn't paying much attention).

It's going to take an awful lot of will power not to print this off and send it anonomously (he buys rounds often)

Submitted by munkeypants at 2005-04-23 18:11:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ha!

Submitted by seanfogy at 2005-04-23 11:52:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

that post it note line killed me

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-04-23 11:34:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2005-04-23 08:05:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

Everytime I see your name at the top of a post, I go "ahh I remember that guy, but I can't remember what for", then I read the post and realise its because you're a fucking riot.

Well done, if there was a best-newcomer award it should have gone to you about a month ago.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're a beautiful man

Submitted by Ivy at 2005-04-23 08:14:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Babies are evil. Some are cute, but don't you hate it when you turn and see a horrifyingly ugly baby and all you can say is, 'GAH!'and then you have to cover it up by saying something like, 'Gah! I just stepped in shit...'

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-04-23 08:05:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Everytime I see your name at the top of a post, I go "ahh I remember that guy, but I can't remember what for", then I read the post and realise its because you're a fucking riot.

Well done, if there was a best-newcomer award it should have gone to you about a month ago.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-04-23 07:32:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-04-23 05:37:10 (#)
Ranking: 2

There's a little shop in Whistler that sells cards like this. It's awesome. Also, in addition to the card thing, I was wondering if you're serious about being afraid of animals that fly, because despite my handle, I am too.

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Can't stand them. Probably why I like penguins so much.

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-04-23 05:37:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

There's a little shop in Whistler that sells cards like this. It's awesome. Also, in addition to the card thing, I was wondering if you're serious about being afraid of animals that fly, because despite my handle, I am too.

Submitted by funk_boy at 2005-04-23 05:18:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by dwr_budr at 2005-04-23 05:00:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is awesome.

Submitted by r1nce at 2005-04-23 00:27:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-04-23 00:26:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Heh heh. This reminds me of a headline on the Daily Show. Jon Stewart was going on about the media frenzy that surrounded Julia Roberts immediately following the birth of her twins. As he was talking about it, a picture came up behind him with the caption, 'HUMAN BABIES BORN!!' I love that show.

Submitted by Amy at 2005-04-23 00:02:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

no comment

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2005-04-22 23:29:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Excellent rant, and I too hate it when people bring their squealing offspring in to work.

Submitted by domenad at 2005-04-22 23:28:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Paaaahahahahhahaha! What a great idea - anti-greeing cards.

Submitted by rollerboognish at 2005-04-22 22:59:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Writing "I'm sick of these bullshit fill-in-the-blanks" rants is a risky procedure, and you nailed it. Very funny, waitthataintyoursisterthatsronaldmcdonald.

Submitted by Crystle at 2005-04-22 21:57:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

YEah - 'bout time someone said it!

Submitted by Feijuada at 2005-04-22 21:39:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Every time I refuse to sign one of thise stupid cards someone puts my name on it.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-04-22 21:22:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Funny and accurate...but I gotta go out and have some wings and some drinks.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-04-22 21:17:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Plus
Fucking
Two


I know you're mad at me right now, and I'm kinda mad too ... I mean, we
could sit here and try to figure out who forgot to pick up who till the
cows come home. But let's just say we're both wrong and that'll be that.

-- Homer Simpson
Brother from the Same Planet