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Steve's Badass Dad Quiz

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-07 16:47:31 EDT
Rating: 1.81 on 82 ratings (82 reviews) (Review this item) (V)



Every guy wants to be a badass dad. My dad was a badass dad. One time, he got his hand slammed in a gate and he still finished feeding the cows and doing the rest of the chores with his bloody, mutilated hand. The only reason he drove himself to the hospital was because his wuss son was home sick from school and wouldn’t stop throwing up. Then the doctor sewed in straw and cowshit in the wound, so my dad cut open the stitches and cleaned the wound himself. Then he killed the doctor and burnt down the hospital. Then he built the town a new hospital. A badass hospital.

Yeah, my dad was pretty badass. Find out if you’ll be as badass as my dad by answering these questions. But I promise you that you won’t be as badass as my dad.

Answer these questions, you pansy:


1. You bring your new son home from the hospital. He won’t stop crying. The little bastard just won’t shut up. Do you:

A) Stay up all night and sit with him while your wife rests.
B) Go to bed. Your wife will be up all night being sick, anyways.
C) Scream at your son to shut up and skate it off.
D) Get drunk.


2. Your son is a toddler and wanders off in the mall. Your wife is freaking out. Do you:

A) Get drunk in the food court. He’ll turn up eventually. If not, you can always make more babies. Mmmm babies.
B) Tell mall security. They’ll find him. That’s what they’re trained to do. Tell them you’ll ruin their shit if they don’t hurry the fuck up.
C) Holler until the little bastard comes back.
D) Realize you put him underneath a basket in the Wal Mart and forgot about him. Go get him and be proclaimed a hero. That’ll make those Orange Julius punks jealous and maybe they’ll stop hitting on your wife.


3. Your son falls and breaks his arm during hockey. Do you:

A) Take him straight to the hospital. It’s not his fault he’s got weak bones. It’s your wife’s fault. Damn weak woman and they’re pansy bones.
B) Get your wife to take him. You need to stay to find out who wins.
C) Punch the coach in the face…because you’re drunk.
D) Tell him to skate it off. SKATE IT OFF.


4. You run over the family dog while your son is at school. Do you:

A) Tell him he ran away or was stolen by those crazy Dutch people down the road. Those damned crazy Dutch.
B) Explain death to the kid. He’s got to learn some time. Maybe this will toughen him up. Little wimpy bastard.
C) Tell him his mother had to take him to the vet to get him put down and it’s her fault he didn’t get to say goodbye.
D) Tell him to go look under that tarp over there. If he has any questions, you’ll answer them. Just like you did when Grandma died.


5. You catch your teenage son masturbating to your porn. Do you:

A) Close the door, leave the room and never speak of it again.
B) Stare at him awkwardly until he becomes uncomfortable and stops.
C) Join him.
D) Leave the room and thank God that he’s not a faggot.


6. Your pansy son wants to take art rather than gym. To convince him otherwise, do you:

A) Burn his art supplies. Maybe he is a faggot. Fucking faggots. You shouldn’t have let his mother buy him that purple shirt.
B) Let him take art. It will build character. Art expands the mind, or some shit like that.
C) Start punching him until he cries and gives up. When he complains that his wounds hurt, tell him to skate it off. When he says he’s not on skates, tell him you don’t care and to skate that off too.
D) Call your dad and ask him if he had this problem. When he says he did, call your dad a liar and send him to live in a home. Old bastard.


7. You give the kids the Internet for the first time as a Christmas gift. The whole family is gathered around to see the magic of the Internet. They want you to search for something. Do you:

A) Look up the weather network. Wow. You can find out what the weather is like without leaving the house. How interesting. Screw thermometers, this is the wave of the future!
B) Search for Star Trek porn. Deanna Troy is so fucking hot.
C) Leave the computing to the kids when they laugh at your two-finger typing skills. Little assholes. Throw they’re other gifts in the snow and piss on them to show them you mean business.
D) Ask your dad what to do. It’s okay to look for porn if your dad tells you it’s all right. If he’s dead, tell everyone you’re praying to God. They’ll leave you alone if they think you’re fucking crazy.


8. The mind gnomes are coming to get your brain. No one believes you. Do you:

A) Rationalize that there are no mind gnomes. Skate it off.
B) Give them your son. He’s the one you want!
C) Burn the house down. Kill the gnomes. Kill them all.
D) Give your son hell for making hash brownies and not hiding them well enough.


9. Your son wrecks the car. He walks into the house crying and covered in blood and glass. Do you:

A) Take him to the hospital and call his mother to meet you there.
B) Clean up the evidence before his mother gets home. That bitch will find some way to blame you for this.
C) Claim that the car wrecked itself when the insurance people start asking questions.
D) Tell your son to skate it off.


10. For your midlife crisis do you:

A) Take a Spanish class and a truck driving class. Claim that it has nothing to do with illegal immigration. Nothing at all…
B) Start hanging out with your son until you realize how lame he is. Lousy faggoty bastard.
C) Take a dance class.
D) A midlife crisis is for a pussy. Suck it up and skate it off.





Answer key: There are no right answers. You’re either badass or not. Skate it off, you faggoty pansy.






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Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2007-09-06 18:21:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2007-09-06 18:02:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by no1hasdis at 2007-07-09 17:33:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was a classic

Submitted by darko at 2007-07-09 17:24:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Remember when I got this on B@W? Good times man, good times.

Submitted by iacobus at 2007-07-09 17:15:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You're dad sounds like a BAMF.

Submitted by Milezy at 2007-02-28 09:24:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's the best laugh I've had all week.
That beats my 6 year old nephew saying "I tugged and it came!" (talking about the dog on the leash...)

Submitted by darko at 2006-06-24 03:36:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-06-24 03:36:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Banned?

Submitted by bizzy at 2005-07-04 08:23:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Absolutly hilarious.

Submitted by Smithens at 2005-06-20 06:55:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

brilliant!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-04 01:28:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You understand that I use the phrase "skate it off" ad nauseam.

Submitted by espo at 2005-05-25 09:23:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this was amazing. one of my all time favorite posts.

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-05-22 17:40:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by tolbertap at 2005-05-20 22:35:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Even though he's not my dad my coach is insane levels of badass. He ruptured his bladder while working out, he got it stapled back together. The doctor told him not to work out for a while, within a week he was working out again. He worked out so hard that one of the staples came loose and he had to piss it out of his system. Then he went to go work out again.

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-05-19 17:51:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for Star Trek porn! Fuck yeah Deanna is HOT!

Submitted by DonnieD at 2005-05-19 17:25:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

'Kick of all ass' =D
I love the whole, 'skate it off' as an answer to everything.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-05-19 12:11:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by cheeselady at 2005-05-12 14:59:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My grandfather was badass. He was cutting wood and accidently went halfway through his thumb. Rather than going to the hospital, he went inside and cut the rest of it off with a hatchet. He then proceeded to heat up a metal plate to cauterize his fresh wound on. And I highly doubt he even winced in pain. When my father cut off the tip of his finger he taped it back on and drove to the hospital. Still nothing compared to my grandfather.

That hardcore motherfucker.

Submitted by sixxforty at 2005-05-11 13:47:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AJ at 2005-05-11 10:54:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I want to face you in UM III.

Just to see what the hell kind of matchup we would even have.

Submitted by Lechuga at 2005-05-10 23:45:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was like 32095324753473845239846523764928364 shades of awesome.

Submitted by Zoidberg at 2005-05-10 20:16:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

the quiz was only so so funny but the opening paragraph was great

Submitted by spedmonkey at 2005-05-10 18:32:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

GO HOCKEY WOO!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-10 17:55:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Soon, my man, soon....

Submitted by darko at 2005-05-10 17:49:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are welcome, when will I be getting my picture?

Submitted by manicvelocity at 2005-05-10 17:15:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It got funnier the more times I read "Skate it off".

A true badass doesn't have kids. Having kids is the result of making love. A true badass fucks his wife, and never makes love. Making love is for faggots.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-10 15:15:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

STEVE OWNS ALLLL

Submitted by lordhamlett at 2005-05-10 09:25:28 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-05-10 08:46:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Badass.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-05-10 06:59:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well Steve,

I submitted this to B@W first.

It's now on B@W.

Darko can have the picture.

Submitted by darko at 2005-05-09 12:45:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

have a few more hits.

Submitted by darko at 2005-05-09 03:56:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I really do want tha picture though. I mean, your dad is so badass! In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that your dad is David Hasselhoff. If I do win that autographed picture of your dad, aka David Hasselhoff, I'm immediately selling it on the german Ebay. I think it's called WienerSchnitzelBay or something like that. I'll make millions!

Submitted by Wazza at 2005-05-09 03:43:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bloody well done i reckon.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-09 02:00:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

:-D

Submitted by Rawrg at 2005-05-09 01:52:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W Submitted.

Jesus Christ. There are a shitload of overrated posters on this site. You are by far the funniest though.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-09 01:39:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

:-)

Submitted by Siren at 2005-05-09 01:36:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Damn weak woman and they're pansy bones.
-hilarious.

The use of "faggot" repeatedly,
-not even close to pleasant.

Submitted by Freight_Train at 2005-05-09 01:14:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fucking A

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-09 00:38:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Man, you guys really want that autographed picture of my dad....

Submitted by lordofthedance at 2005-05-09 00:32:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-05-09 00:26:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I submitted it first Blarko.

Back off bitch.

Submitted by williamson at 2005-05-09 00:10:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Skate it off
Vleet het weg
Patin il au loin
Rochen es weg
Pattino esso fuori
Patim ele fora
Patín él apagado

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-08 23:41:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

darko is gunning for that autographed picture of my dad...

Submitted by darko at 2005-05-08 23:16:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted to B@W

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-05-08 19:12:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by munkeypants at 2005-05-08 19:00:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2005-05-08 18:31:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This rocks.

Submitted by DonovanMD at 2005-05-08 17:30:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This post rocked. I tried skating it off and skinned my knee.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-08 12:51:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I found two errors like that and one spelling mistake in the first question. I think I got them right most of the time.

Dammit. Where are my OCD pills...this will bother me to no end...I thought I didn't do that anymore...

Maybe I SHOULD start wearing my glasses...

Fuck.

Submitted by Ignore_the_Small_Print at 2005-05-08 12:47:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-08 12:45:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Dammit. I GOT BURNT ON MOFUCKING ERRORS LIKE THAT??

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-05-08 11:37:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

would have been a 2 except for grammar mistakes. you're your, they're there their etc.


2. Your son is a toddler and wanders off in the mall. Your wife is freaking out. Do you:

A) Get drunk in the food court. He'll turn up eventually. If not, you can always make more babies

nice works

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-08 02:38:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

...this coming from the guy who argued about the spelling of bajiner/bajeener....

Submitted by FartSmeller at 2005-05-08 02:17:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

This was a bit contrived.

Submitted by GuyDude at 2005-05-08 00:16:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My brother tried to pull some shit in high school where he told my dad he was going to drop out of school because he was a buddhist and he wanted to live in the moment. My dad was like, there is no fucking way you're living in the moment, and he punched his head off. My brother was reincarnated as a gerble and my dad donated him to a science class so my brother had to spend the rest of his life in high school shitting on woodchips in his natural inhabitant. Then my dad had a threesome with the science teacher and my mom (the science teacher was a hot chick) and then he skated on the science teachers face and made her ugly so no other man would ever want her.

Submitted by SiskelandFatboy at 2005-05-07 23:51:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I remember once when I was young throwing the football in the back yard with Pops, he turned his ankle really badly and when I asked him if he was alright he said "HELL YES, just a little turn. You need to LEAD the receiver more son!"

He ripepd some ligaments and spent the next month on crutches. Well, he was supposed to, but I never saw him walking on them once.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-07 23:50:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-05-07 23:47:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

One time I said "Dad, what religion are we?" and he turned to me and said "I HAVE NO RELIGION!" and took a drink of his beer.


---


Our dads should hang out.

Submitted by Feijuada at 2005-05-07 23:47:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

One time I said "Dad, what religion are we?" and he turned to me and said "I HAVE NO RELIGION!" and took a drink of his beer.

Submitted by comicbookguy at 2005-05-07 23:33:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Tom Sorrell at 2005-05-07 23:26:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

SKATE IT OFF!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-07 23:20:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Fuck man. If some one submits this to B@W and it successfully gets on there, he or she gets to an autographed picture of my dad.

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-05-07 23:13:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W dammit

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-07 23:09:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Fuck man. Sometimes I wish Bob WERE my dad. Some days I imagine that they are both my dads. If my mom were to divorce my dad, the only person I would allow her to marry would be Bob. I know she would refuse, but I know Bob's powers of seduction are just too great. He shoots perfume out of his ears and his breath smells like fresh peaches. And all chicks love peaches and perfume.

If Bob and my dad got into a fight, it would be like a clash of the titans. Except Bob is eight feet tall and my dad is kinda shrimpy, but he can run fast and he's got these huge biceps from lifting collapsed houses off of orphans. Bob does the same thing, but he eats the kids. My dad just sells them into slavery.

Submitted by SiskelandFatboy at 2005-05-07 22:58:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Steve, I must ask the question:
Who is a bigger badass, your Dad or Bob?
Bob seemed like a man's man.

I see a face off coming up.....

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-07 22:02:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Sounsexy00 (user info) at 2005-05-07 21:55:05 (#)
Ranking: 1

Oh, good sir. I quite guarantee you that nothing is as badass or dadly as a pudgy jewish yuppie man in a pick up truck in downtown DC. Nothing.

My dad is more badass than yours.

Hadley


--

My dad took on a pack of wolves once. He tied one hand behind his back and then gave the wolves a stick to make things fair. GO DADS WOOOOOOO!

Submitted by Sounsexy00 at 2005-05-07 21:55:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Oh, good sir. I quite guarantee you that nothing is as badass or dadly as a pudgy jewish yuppie man in a pick up truck in downtown DC. Nothing.

My dad is more badass than yours.

Hadley

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2005-05-07 21:52:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Grantastic.

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-05-07 21:26:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-05-07 21:22:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for the first paragraph before I read the questions. "A badass hospital".

Submitted by dodahdave at 2005-05-07 19:37:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-05-07 16:59:42 (#)
Ranking: 0

SKATE IT OFF

Submitted by chipolatte at 2005-05-07 19:16:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh, i wish i were an oscar meyer weinerrrrr

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-07 19:03:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I love trying to explain the 'skate it off' theory of parenting to people. Them and their 'But I'm not wearing skates.' Shut the fuck up. I don't need your guff. Actually, I don't love it. It pisses me off.


...I fucking hate working on Saturdays....

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-05-07 18:56:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is so good, it reminded me of a Shlongy post. Nice job!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-05-07 18:54:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Peener

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-07 18:49:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Tee hee. This is my 69th post...Tee hee.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-07 17:19:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

IF I get in, rad. If I get in...

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-05-07 17:18:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I predict a stunning victory for steve in Unbermadness...

...only after a close defeat of rad1101 in the final round.

Submitted by CanucksFan at 2005-05-07 17:16:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is maddox quality

Submitted by CunningVision at 2005-05-07 17:06:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-05-07 17:01:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*cries emo tears*

*SMACK!*

"Skate that shit off, you chubby faggot!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-07 16:59:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

SKATE IT OFF

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-05-07 16:56:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You need to stop with this dad bullshit.

It's starting to make me have feelings.

I'm gonna go skate that shit off now.


Marge, try to understand. There are two kinds of college students: jocks
and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time.

-- Homer Simpson
Homer Goes to College