Steve's Badass Dad QuizSubmitted by stevie_says at 2005-05-07 16:47:31 EDT
Rating: 1.81 on 82 ratings (82 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Every guy wants to be a badass dad. My dad was a badass dad. One time, he got his hand slammed in a gate and he still finished feeding the cows and doing the rest of the chores with his bloody, mutilated hand. The only reason he drove himself to the hospital was because his wuss son was home sick from school and wouldn’t stop throwing up. Then the doctor sewed in straw and cowshit in the wound, so my dad cut open the stitches and cleaned the wound himself. Then he killed the doctor and burnt down the hospital. Then he built the town a new hospital. A badass hospital.
Yeah, my dad was pretty badass. Find out if you’ll be as badass as my dad by answering these questions. But I promise you that you won’t be as badass as my dad.
Answer these questions, you pansy:
1. You bring your new son home from the hospital. He won’t stop crying. The little bastard just won’t shut up. Do you:
A) Stay up all night and sit with him while your wife rests.
B) Go to bed. Your wife will be up all night being sick, anyways.
C) Scream at your son to shut up and skate it off.
D) Get drunk.
2. Your son is a toddler and wanders off in the mall. Your wife is freaking out. Do you:
A) Get drunk in the food court. He’ll turn up eventually. If not, you can always make more babies. Mmmm babies.
B) Tell mall security. They’ll find him. That’s what they’re trained to do. Tell them you’ll ruin their shit if they don’t hurry the fuck up.
C) Holler until the little bastard comes back.
D) Realize you put him underneath a basket in the Wal Mart and forgot about him. Go get him and be proclaimed a hero. That’ll make those Orange Julius punks jealous and maybe they’ll stop hitting on your wife.
3. Your son falls and breaks his arm during hockey. Do you:
A) Take him straight to the hospital. It’s not his fault he’s got weak bones. It’s your wife’s fault. Damn weak woman and they’re pansy bones.
B) Get your wife to take him. You need to stay to find out who wins.
C) Punch the coach in the face…because you’re drunk.
D) Tell him to skate it off. SKATE IT OFF.
4. You run over the family dog while your son is at school. Do you:
A) Tell him he ran away or was stolen by those crazy Dutch people down the road. Those damned crazy Dutch.
B) Explain death to the kid. He’s got to learn some time. Maybe this will toughen him up. Little wimpy bastard.
C) Tell him his mother had to take him to the vet to get him put down and it’s her fault he didn’t get to say goodbye.
D) Tell him to go look under that tarp over there. If he has any questions, you’ll answer them. Just like you did when Grandma died.
5. You catch your teenage son masturbating to your porn. Do you:
A) Close the door, leave the room and never speak of it again.
B) Stare at him awkwardly until he becomes uncomfortable and stops.
C) Join him.
D) Leave the room and thank God that he’s not a faggot.
6. Your pansy son wants to take art rather than gym. To convince him otherwise, do you:
A) Burn his art supplies. Maybe he is a faggot. Fucking faggots. You shouldn’t have let his mother buy him that purple shirt.
B) Let him take art. It will build character. Art expands the mind, or some shit like that.
C) Start punching him until he cries and gives up. When he complains that his wounds hurt, tell him to skate it off. When he says he’s not on skates, tell him you don’t care and to skate that off too.
D) Call your dad and ask him if he had this problem. When he says he did, call your dad a liar and send him to live in a home. Old bastard.
7. You give the kids the Internet for the first time as a Christmas gift. The whole family is gathered around to see the magic of the Internet. They want you to search for something. Do you:
A) Look up the weather network. Wow. You can find out what the weather is like without leaving the house. How interesting. Screw thermometers, this is the wave of the future!
B) Search for Star Trek porn. Deanna Troy is so fucking hot.
C) Leave the computing to the kids when they laugh at your two-finger typing skills. Little assholes. Throw they’re other gifts in the snow and piss on them to show them you mean business.
D) Ask your dad what to do. It’s okay to look for porn if your dad tells you it’s all right. If he’s dead, tell everyone you’re praying to God. They’ll leave you alone if they think you’re fucking crazy.
8. The mind gnomes are coming to get your brain. No one believes you. Do you:
A) Rationalize that there are no mind gnomes. Skate it off.
B) Give them your son. He’s the one you want!
C) Burn the house down. Kill the gnomes. Kill them all.
D) Give your son hell for making hash brownies and not hiding them well enough.
9. Your son wrecks the car. He walks into the house crying and covered in blood and glass. Do you:
A) Take him to the hospital and call his mother to meet you there.
B) Clean up the evidence before his mother gets home. That bitch will find some way to blame you for this.
C) Claim that the car wrecked itself when the insurance people start asking questions.
D) Tell your son to skate it off.
10. For your midlife crisis do you:
A) Take a Spanish class and a truck driving class. Claim that it has nothing to do with illegal immigration. Nothing at all…
B) Start hanging out with your son until you realize how lame he is. Lousy faggoty bastard.
C) Take a dance class.
D) A midlife crisis is for a pussy. Suck it up and skate it off.
Answer key: There are no right answers. You’re either badass or not. Skate it off, you faggoty pansy.