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I'm Banging My Head Here...Where's Mr. Right?

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-06-01 03:48:10 EDT
Rating: 1.65 on 40 ratings (40 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

So, it was three in the morning and my mother was talking to me on the phone.

“You know what you need, don’t you?”

I knew all too well. I had craved it since I woke that morning. The desire lasted well after I ate my delicious breakfast of sausage and eggs, and continued through to my bicycle trip to the candle shop, where I wryly pointed over the clerk’s shoulder and told him politely: “Give me the big, black, smelly one.” He didn’t take the hint.

Women can relate needs and wants in a way that men simply cannot understand. Sighs, pauses, turns of the head…they speak volumes. When such frustrations are communicated between mother and daughter, they are even more precise. I was sure my mother had the answer

“You,” she said, pausing for emphasis “need to stop partying so much.”

Damn, swing and a miss. How ridiculous. My mother, having borne me from her martini enriched womb, was advising a course of slow it down, with two sides of sobriety and easy living. I have pictures of her carrying me into my first discothèque, my feet flapping as I rode bareback in a tie-dyed baby sling. This was a bit much.

“Mom,” I said brusquely “I don’t think you have any ground to stand on. You’ve taught me some shady stuff, and because of you, a bus full of Asian business men think my only English is ‘hey, wanna buy me a drink, sweetie?’

She scowled through the receiver. The kind of expression you can still feel in the morning, even after you’ve washed your face and applied two base coats of powder.

Next came the taps as she rapped the side of her phone with her index finger, punctuating the silence with tiny, plastic clicks. This was her way of getting my attention and she had done it for as long as I knew. When I was a kid, I would spend most of my time on the phone in my bedroom. When dinner was ready, she would pick up the receiver downstairs and tell me to finish the conversation. If I wasn’t down at the table within five minutes, she would grab it again and pound it on the refrigerator. For years, my friends thought it was me—banging my head against the dresser. Teenage Tourettes, they called it. I got a kick out of their concern and even faked a few head bobs to maintain the illusion.

Click, click, click

“Mom…”

Click, click, click

“I got all night...”

She cleared her throat and told my father to stop snoring at the table and go to bed. This was a nightly ritual and I doubt he would have had a good rest without it.

“Well, missy,” she finally said, “you tell me that you’re restless and you can’t get any sleep; you call me at three in the morning…”

“It’s 12 there, mom”

“…and you say you want something else in your life. Listen, I guarantee you won’t find it as some random club in Boston.”

What did she know? I have a very fixed bar schedule. Every weekend, I go from one to another and never deviate from my plan. They’re all stacked sequentially in my mind. There’s nothing random about them.

“How do you suggest I find the future sire of your grandchildren?” I mused “They’re closing all the churches around here and I was never that good at walking the streets’”

My mother told me it was late and hung up the phone. No sense of humor. After I get three or four hours of sleep tonight, I’ll have to try my search again…unaided. I’ll go to work, flirt with the boys, and head home to arrange my Friday night tour of Boston’s best providers of beer and able bodied men. I haven’t had much luck and have had to turn down many a suitor due to hygiene problems and/or homosexuality. Of course, the homosexuals never ask for my flower, but they hog my dancing time. It's very valuable.

Maybe if I sit in a corner and bob my head into the wall, I’ll get a doctor to approach me. I’ll have to try that out. Worst comes to worst, it might knock a few brain cells loose. Heavens knows, I need it.


candles-big.jpg
candles-big.jpg


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Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-09-05 13:33:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-02-08 15:13:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

why dont you ever post anymoer, i love you

Submitted by AJ at 2005-09-28 00:10:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You're never going to find anyone in Boston. Whole city's nothin' but jerks.

*ducks random pointy projectiles thrown and bullets fired*

Submitted by Berty at 2005-08-11 10:14:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'd do it but I'm needy and you've already got too many stuffed toys.

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-08-10 20:57:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Please keep writing as much as Jimthefiend does!

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-10 20:39:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you had me at 'martini enriched womb'.

*tear*

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-08-10 17:57:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What the monkey? I just read this post for the first time, was thoroughly entertained and impressed by it, and scrolled down to see that I have read and reviewed this post before.

I have absolutely no memory of this.

That's a bad sign.

+2 more for 'womb poops'

Submitted by spamtrap50 at 2005-08-10 17:51:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You should move to KC...out here, we have way to many guys and not enough women

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2005-08-10 17:14:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Holy shit, I didn't know you were from Boston.

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-06-14 04:51:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ilike these stories

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-06-02 23:21:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Feijuada...black cock, green cock, blue cock...if it's attached to half decent, upright homosapian with decent prospects at providing for my future womb poops, I'll give it an audition.

Submitted by Saxon at 2005-06-01 21:00:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A fun read.

Submitted by lordofthedance at 2005-06-01 20:25:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-06-01 04:29:13 (#)
Ranking: 0

Depends, lord. Are we talking about carnal thrusts against a headboard, or a homicidal pounding on a brick wall? I intend to live until I'm old and menopausal.

If you'll wait that long, I'll let you kill me then.

========

I was going for (a) rather than (b) unless (a) results in (b)....which is entirely possible. Ahahahaha.


Submitted by jumpinjellyfish at 2005-06-01 17:21:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Men, they're all bastards.





what?

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2005-06-01 15:42:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2005-06-01 11:29:09 (#)
Ranking: 1

Maybe if you didn't have a sign that read "Black cock storage" above your ass you might attract more men.

__________________________

HA!

Submitted by Merlina at 2005-06-01 11:39:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-06-01 11:31:52 (#)
Ranking: 1

here's my plan -

Join gym - check
Lose weight - getting there
sweet car - check
new clothes - don't really care.
date some hot friendly irish girl - tonight.
marry nicole3, lisa, or absolutes - someday

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Incidently - why irish?

oh and nice post by the way

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-06-01 11:31:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

not horribly written.

go read 1.21 GW's "My Life Kicks Ass" post.


here's my plan -

Join gym - check
Lose weight - getting there
sweet car - check
new clothes - don't really care.
date some hot friendly irish girl - tonight.
marry nicole3, lisa, or absolutes - someday

Submitted by Feijuada at 2005-06-01 11:29:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Maybe if you didn't have a sign that read "Black cock storage" above your ass you might attract more men.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-06-01 11:23:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

High quality guys are a dime a dozen. If you wanted one you'd have one. Your better off trying to figure out why you keep going into doomed relationships.

Submitted by Bigmike at 2005-06-01 11:22:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-06-01 11:16:29 (#)
Ranking: 1

That's basically what I said, Mike. You jsut always say things nicer than me.

Must be all that experience ya got, old man.


I don't know. Most of the replies I write happen while in the midst of an acid flashback. At least I think they do. :)

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-06-01 11:16:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

That's basically what I said, Mike. You jsut always say things nicer than me.

Must be all that experience ya got, old man.

Submitted by Bigmike at 2005-06-01 11:12:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

It's hard for me to understand why men are viewed as being afraid of relationships.

Relationships are good. It's what we find out about ourselves after we are involved in one that we should be afraid of. :)

My philosophy has always been to stop trying so hard. Whenever I stopped trying was when I found the nicest relationships.

Submitted by corn nugget at 2005-06-01 11:09:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Is there an Uber-womenz-recruiter in Boston? Well?

Nice post. Please stay on uber. We need you.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-06-01 09:05:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

jgreening: I'm not against thick guys. It helps, though, if they are thicker in certain key areas.

Jungle_Jimanee: Martial Arts? Sounds nice, but if I want a beating I stick to my favorite pastime--patty cake with razor blades.

thecaes: I never intended to interupt a good jerk before work. If any of you guys feel the need, whip out your fist and do the deed.

UrbaneMischief: *silent nod; thumbs up* :)

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-06-01 08:48:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2005-06-01 08:19:27 (#)
Ranking: 2

Ya can't go wrong with thick guys.

And by thick I mean a decent amount away from the Men's Fitness idea...
------------------
Still holding out hope, Jay?

Only a +1 because most guys only want to fuck desperate girls. Dying to be in a relationship = more trouble than it's worth.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-06-01 08:19:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ya can't go wrong with thick guys.

And by thick I mean a decent amount away from the Men's Fitness idea...

Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee at 2005-06-01 08:04:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Why not try a martial art, many many able bodied men, few women. Pick a nice one like Aikedo or Tai Chi.

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-06-01 07:32:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

User 19002? -- ach, so close to greatness.

You'll do well here. I like your sense of humour, and already the boys have poked their heads up from their furious masturbatory NSFW posts to take a gander at you.

Good luck finding a fella. Why are there so many girls from Boston on this site?


Submitted by UrbaneMischief at 2005-06-01 07:09:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

honey, as a fellow Boston girl... I hear you.


AHEM LADY

Submitted by Avals at 2005-06-01 06:45:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'M RIGHT HERE!

Mr. Avals J. Right, at your service!

Submitted by Method at 2005-06-01 06:44:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Will you just camwhore already and show us your tits? You know you want to.

These guys want you to also.

http://www.lemonparty.org

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2005-06-01 06:39:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

DIDNT READ BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT DRUNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-06-01 05:01:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i took that, rad. it told me my cognitive reasoning was shit, and that i should become a janitor.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-01 04:52:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this LSAT made me bang my head against the wall.

http://www.lsat.org/pdfs/2005-2006/LSAT-test-new.pdf

Submitted by joedaddy at 2005-06-01 04:31:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-06-01 04:01:35 (#)
Ranking: 2

I refuse to read this.
**********
I didn't follow your advice.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-06-01 04:29:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Depends, lord. Are we talking about carnal thrusts against a headboard, or a homicidal pounding on a brick wall? I intend to live until I'm old and menopausal.

If you'll wait that long, I'll let you kill me then.

Submitted by lordofthedance at 2005-06-01 04:21:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm right here. Can I bang your head too?

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-01 04:01:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I refuse to read this.

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-06-01 03:53:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-06-01 03:48:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

resized


Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.

Homer: Yeah. If you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your
own allowance.

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire