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Class Lecture: Sex Education

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-06-03 10:50:23 EDT
Rating: 1.77 on 38 ratings (38 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Hi everyone. I’m sure you don’t mind this break in your studies, but it is important you pay strict attention to our speaker, Mr. Anthony Fetterman. It’s for your own good.

As you are well aware, your bodies are undergoing the adventure of a lifetime. Adolescence is taking you to places you could hardly imagine as an infant. Mr. Fetterman is here to help you understand this change, or more specifically, how it affects hormonal drives and procreation. He is the author of numerous books on sexual education, including “Why am I Wet,” “The Nature of the Business,” and “Love Me, Love Me, Love Me, but Don’t Love me on my Tummy.” I am sure you will all gain a lot from his lecture.

Mr. Fetterman…


***


Hello there.

It is nice to see so many young people here this afternoon. I believe good habits begin when you are young…when you are able to ingrain what you learn into your ideological make-up. Take your experiences as a toddler, for example. You learn to walk, when in effect you have nowhere to go. Your parents teach you how to use a toothbrush, when your first set of teeth are mere throwaways…and you learn speech, when nothing you say at such a tender age will be relevant or meaningful. You learn these things because it is proper to do so—it is the foundation for your adulthood.

Sexual education is no different. I do not expect you to walk out of this lecture and begin ravaging each other like bunnies. No, sir. I would like to believe that this lesson would establish good behavior that you will utilize later in life—at which point you will be mature enough and responsible enough to weigh the dangers experienced with male/female coupling. Do you understand?

Well, yes, anyway…where should I start? How about a video?

…Just press play…yes, it is all set to go…no you do not have to rewind…Just…oh good.

Let us begin.

This is Henry. He is the C.E.O. of a major financial firm in greater Los Angeles and has just returned home from an exhaustive business meeting. Ah, here is his wife, Ella. She sits next to him on the couch and relates the troubles she experienced that day at the clinic. It seems everyday another teenager comes in, either pregnant or afflicted with some strange sexually transmitted disease. Do you see her sobbing? Repeatedly, she decries what a terrible waste it is—the lives of these mixed up kids. She tells Henry about a pregnant girl who walked into her office, having just been accepted to Princeton. Unfortunately, her college education is beyond her now. At this point, she will have to go home and file for welfare. In future years, she will likely prostitute herself for bags of marijuana and concentrated cocaine nodules. Sadly, the odds tell us that her child will probably hang himself over the embarrassment.

Worse yet, the homecoming king arrived that day as well—with Herpes blisters all over his face, hands and shoulders. Apparently intoxicated, the young man had ventured with his friends to an exotic dancing establishment in Tijuana. There, he fornicated with a one-armed cocktail waitress named Marie Espinosa, who claimed that prophylactics were for homosexuals. Ella had to tell him the bad news—that his life would be filled with misery and heartache from then onward. She is quite distraught.

Henry is an understanding husband. This isn’t the first time his lovely wife has poured her heart out over these unfortunates. For years, he has served as her rock, her shoulder to lean on in such times of crisis. He gladly submits that shoulder now.

…Pause…

Let us make something clear. I did not show you this to prescribe chastity. The mingling of sexes is paramount in the continuation of the human species. None of you would be here had your mothers cloistered themselves in nunneries, or your fathers taken up the cross. Still, it is important that you understand the consequences of your actions. Everything has a cost, be it your virtue, your health, or your identity. I say identity because once you bring life into this world, you are no longer just brother or sister, son or daughter. You are a parent—a parent with responsibilities that go beyond your own selfish needs, including providing a home for your child, the money to clothe and feed it, and its education.

In terms of health, your identity could change from negative to positive. From healthy to terminally ill. I do not mean to frighten you, but it is a possibility. As for virtue, well, that is not as easy to grasp, is it? Virtue is a social condition. A boy and girl may maintain the same degree of “virtue” but one might be labeled a stud, while the other is labeled a slut. If a young lady maintains her purity and remains chaste, a number of mistaken individuals would label her a prude, or a lesbian. Such is our America.

However, celibacy is no damning mark. Today when people find temptation so alluring, the ability to restrain yourself is a badge of honor. Be you male or female, withholding your fruit until it has ripened is the best way to start your life. I believe that more than anything. I hope you will too.

Now that I have made my case, let us continue.

…Press play…

OK…as you all can see, they are now in the bedroom. Henry and Ella enjoyed a fine meal tonight, consisting of Lamb, slowly roasted with potatoes and served with mint jelly. During the meal, Ella calmed down and eased her thoughts away from the troubles of her profession, back into the realm of peace and relaxation. Henry did his part by helping her with the meal, and by doing the dishes afterwards. In an equal relationship, stress is divided in two and diffused with good conversation and good company.

Henry spreads the sheets out and lies down. Ella retreats to the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. When you all grow older you will appreciate the simple moments, when the day dissolves into night, and you can enjoy the mundane. That might not seem likely at present, but you will find out soon enough.

Ah, Ella has returned from the bathroom. You can see she has put on a sensible nightgown and set her hair in curlers. She is ready to retire for a nights rest; ready to delay her battles until morning. When she walks over to the bed, she sits, takes off her watch, sets her alarm, and joins her husband under the covers. is content.

Henry is content, too. You see him as he grabs a book off the dresser—a story of a man driven to the edge as he fights past a group of desperados that have stolen his identity, and his happy home. You might think that Henry is silly for enjoying such things, but he does. The stories allow him to laugh at his own problems as the protagonist struggles through his.

See that look! He has reached page 89. On it, the hero reminisces about his wife and their love. This stimulates Henry. You see how he casts quick, furtive glances at Ella? He is in rapture. His spirits have been boiled to the proper temperature and as a married man, he is allowed to relieve those pent up juices…should his wife agree and acquiesce.

He leans in, casts a soft whisper and a gentle nudge. Being in a relationship is respecting the happiness of your partner. Like I said before, Henry is an understanding husband and he is perfectly willing to cease his pleas should she be asleep, or unwilling. Tonight, however, Ella shifts from her side and leans in, tenderly kissing Henry’s hand. She accepts his request. They can now make love.

…Pause…

Ok. I am going to ask that you keep your comments and snickers to a minimum. I realize it is odd to watch strangers engage in sexual congress, but it is imperative that you focus away from humorous thoughts and mind my instruction. In the years to come, it should help all of you out immensely.

…Play…

Generally, intercourse begins with something called foreplay. It is an activity, which augments genital stimulation and encourages lubrication in the female. Lubrication is important if you want to get the most out of your sexual experiences. Should the female lack the ability to self-lubricate, it is advised that you buy an over the counter gel such as KY or Astroglide. These items facilitate intercourse by easing friction, and in certain circumstances, by providing a pleasant feeling of warmth on the genitals.

So it begins. Notice how Henry has eased Ella’s nightgown up to her waist. This allows access to her legs and stomach. Now, he lowers himself in order to apply gentle kisses to her thighs and soft, warm puffs of breath over the clitoral hood. The titillation Ella experiences allows her to get her juices flowing as well as heighten her desire. Desire in later years helps maintain a bond with your partner. Should desire wane, there is the chance infidelity could creep up in its absence…which brings me to the following.

As you can see, Henry has moved on to fingering. Henry learned trick from Phillip, an associate at the firm. He confided in the clerk that intercourse with Ella had been getting monotonous, and was beginning to feel forced. Phillip advised digital play of on Ella’s vagina. He had used the technique on his wife and he felt it worked wonders for their intimacy.

By fingering, a male can arouse his own desire, with feelings of power and propriety. In his subconscious Henry thinks, “these are my fingers in your vagina; it is mine and only I may probe it.” It isn’t necessarily true, but it does not matter much. These feelings, whether true or false, help Henry’s confidence and general happiness.

Ella on the other hand benefits from fingering as well. When done properly, it can produce levels of arousal surpassing intercourse. If you notice her posture, you can see that her toes have scrunched together and her eyes have rolled back in her head. She is also biting her lower lip. These are all signs that the fingering is proceeding well. Had she glanced at the clock, brushed Henry’s arm away, or cleared her throat, you would think otherwise.

… Could you fast forward …keep going…keep going…ok…play…

Due to movie magic, sufficient time has passed since the initiation of foreplay and Ella has beckoned Henry forward. In real life, I would suggest a longer period of arousal, but I am afforded only so much lecture time.

Now, insertion of the phallus.

Normally, the male will mount the female in the missionary position. This requires that the male penetrate the female while lying face to face—the male plunging on top. In some circles, it is considered the more chivalrous of the sexual positions, because the male takes on the burden of thrusting, while the female places more thought into the philosophical nature of the experience, namely, how it feels, and where the encounter fits in the grand scheme of things.

Henry and Ella do not usually engage in missionary. They tried it for a time, but felt it a bit banal for their tastes. They have taken up something decidedly different as you can now see on the video. Ella has risen and supports herself on her knees and hands while Henry approaches from behind. Thus situated, he lays his arms over her back, placing a firm grip on her breasts for support. This is called “doggy style.”

Doggy style has existed since the dawn of humanity—a throwback to the primal and animalistic nature of our ancestors. A modern translation of the experience produces many different sexual practices, each starting from this initial position and diverting into others. The Dirty Sanchez, for example, begins with Doggy Style. It is true that such practices might implore anal insertion as opposed to vaginal, but the basic stance is the same.

Uh oh, Henry feels mischievous tonight. As you can see, he has halted rather quickly, pulling out with a huff, while still maintaining support on her rear. Set in this position he is going to attempt a “Houdini.”

The Houdini gets its name from its deceptive nature. It is nothing more than slight of hand, or in the case of sexual enterprise, slight of expectoration.

…Spit, if you will.

Henry builds his saliva in his mouth while steadily massaging his phallus, maintaining his near state of ejaculation. When he has produced enough saliva to expel, he does so, spitting on her back and moaning happily after completion.

Here it comes…right…now.

Quickly Ella turns her head thinking Henry has exhausted his supply of semen. How wrong she is. Her chin raised up, a smile on her face, she is greeted with Henry’s discharge

…wait for it…

There. It has hit her in the eye and she is stung. You can’t hear it, but Henry completed the maneuver with a hearty “surprise!” while Ella retreated blindly to the floor.

The word “surprise” isn’t mandatory, but some declaration to that effect must be made. Some worthy expressions are “abracadabra,” “shazam,” and “Hasselhoff.” The latter refers to 80s actor, David Hasselhoff, who supposedly invented the Houdini after a drunken fling with a groupie from Chattanooga. This view, however, is dubious at best. Many believe that slaves developed this practice—there desire to seek revenge against the white mistresses who lusted after their flesh.

The facts bear this out. Journals written during this period indicate that face washing increased tenfold when “chores” were needed around the house. It increased even more when the master had business in another town. Apparently, the mistresses tolerated the insult to their dignity in return for the oversized phalluses the slaves could offer.

And if you are wondering…yes, black men have larger penises. It’s discouraging, to be sure, but take solace in the fact that you can compensate with sufficient bravado, a good personality, and an expensive automobile.

Oh, I see by my watch that our time is up. I thank you for patiently sitting through this lecture and once again implore you to weigh the consequences before ever using this instruction. If you must engage in intercourse, I only ask one thing. That you respect each other, and that you utilize a proper Jimmy Hat.

Thank you and goodbye!









Jimmyandhishat.jpg
Jimmyandhishat.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by Loren at 2015-03-05 10:13:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Multiple laughs. Thank you.

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2007-09-05 14:30:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rob_berg at 2007-09-05 14:24:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I'm very glad I read this.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-09-05 14:09:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

haha awsome. don't remember reading this but apparently i did.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-10 18:21:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I agree, but at the time I wanted to start as serious as possible in order to make the change into filthy humor more dramatic.

Looking back, I'm sure i could have trimmed a few things--like describing the couple's meal. :)

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-08-10 18:05:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Good, but a little slow getting to the funny.

Submitted by spamtrap50 at 2005-08-10 18:00:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I gotta start looking for your stuff...

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-08-10 17:48:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

shazam!

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-10 17:23:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I always thought it was called an 'angry cyclops' cause the goal was to get it in her eye...

i think i have a favorite author on ubersite...

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-06-14 05:06:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are a funny lady.

Submitted by Draqus at 2005-06-03 18:10:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Worth it for the reference to the houdini.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-06-03 17:50:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Ranx05 (user info) at 2005-06-03 15:28:50 (#)
Ranking: 1

+2 Great read
-1 you use lots of words wrong

___________________________________________________________

I guess I was trying a little too hard to make the lecturer sound verbose. When I do that, I sometimes muddle meanings in my head. :)

Having said that, I don't believe there was an abundance of word choice issues. I noticed an "implore" where I meant "employ" and a reference to "concentrated cocaine nodules" where I meant to write "Pepsi." That was pretty much it.

I appreciate the criticism and I will definitely take it to heart in the future. Keep on chucking it at me. I got a thick skin.

Submitted by NetProphet at 2005-06-03 17:20:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congratulations! You've been recognized as a contributor to the Saga of UberPARK.

http://www.ubersite.com/m/67740

Now please, never contribute to anything like this again.

Thanks!

Submitted by mles76 at 2005-06-03 16:58:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Hasselhoff."

Submitted by Chillax at 2005-06-03 16:44:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Started off bad, but I liked the 'surprise' bit, and the compensation bit also.

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-06-03 16:33:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"surprise"

Submitted by Snypavat at 2005-06-03 16:08:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Ranx05 at 2005-06-03 15:28:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

+2 Great read
-1 you use lots of words wrong

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-06-03 13:32:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

coolness

+2

Submitted by GodChicken at 2005-06-03 11:45:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by jumpinjellyfish at 2005-06-03 11:43:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is pure fucking gold:

"The word "surprise" isn't mandatory, but some declaration to that effect must be made. Some worthy expressions are "abracadabra," "shazam," and "Hasselhoff." The latter refers to 80s actor, David Hasselhoff, who supposedly invented the Houdini after a drunken fling with a groupie from Chattanooga."






+2 indeed!

Submitted by Berty at 2005-06-03 11:37:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*Applauds*

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-06-03 11:37:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Will someone read this to me, I feel lazy

Submitted by SiskelandFatboy at 2005-06-03 11:28:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Out-fucking-standing

Bes post I have read in some time here.

Submitted by Feijuada at 2005-06-03 11:20:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I got reeeeeeeeeally bored, stopped reading, then came back to it and read it through.


GOLD.

Submitted by shark25 at 2005-06-03 11:19:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WTF I'm not reading all of that!


Kidding good post.

Submitted by girlintheworld at 2005-06-03 11:17:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-06-03 11:14:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

death: I couldn't agree more.

Had: I may have two or three personalities, but this is my only uber account.

Everyone else...thanks for reading. I was a bit nervous bout the length. You're helping me relax a bit.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-06-03 11:14:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

miss davis...I still got wood. STILL

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-06-03 11:13:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Very well done.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2005-06-03 11:10:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2005-06-03 11:08:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hasslehoff made me pee myself.

Submitted by Val at 2005-06-03 11:07:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WTFINRAT!!!!11

Submitted by WhatTheHell at 2005-06-03 10:58:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

GOOD FUCKIN SHOW!!

This kicked all kids of ass!!

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2005-06-03 10:58:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oops - that was going to read more after "sex"... But the last commment will do.

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-06-03 10:57:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You must be an alter. No n00b can write this well....

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2005-06-03 10:56:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love sex.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2005-06-03 10:53:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That's the gayest hat i've ever seen.


Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.

-- Homer Simpson
Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment