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Badass Summer Jobs Your Dumbass Kids Won’t Appreciate

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-27 21:45:45 EDT
Rating: 1.85 on 179 ratings (179 reviews) (Review this item) (V)



As a doctor of journalism, I’ve never had to work a real day in my life. The most I’ve had to do is bike to the Subway for lunch. I considered it danger pay because I had to ride across train tracks, while balancing a slurpee on my handlebars. If I was hit by a train, it would spill and I’d be pissed. And dead. And I’d have no slurpee.

All my jobs have been in offices. Occasionally I have to stand in a field and watch chicks play softball or sit in an ice-cold arena and watch dudes play hockey, but those are sacrifices I’m willing to make for two hours of real work a day. Even that ‘real work’ is just to copy and paste shit off the Internet, or type up a press release. Some one stole a lawn mower a month ago...this is important shit! Once, I had to ride my bike to a retirement party for a dude at a nursing home. It was raining. All I had to do was walk in, take a picture, and stay dry for a half an hour. And I got free cake. And a free garbage bag so I wouldn’t get wet on my way back to my office.

I tried to use it as a sail and ended up in a ditch, covered in mud.

But I got the shot.

It ended up on the back page and I ruined my pants, but at least I got free cake. It was a little dry and an old person probably made it with her elephant skin hands that were dripping with vanilla hand lotion, but it was still free.

Most of my work ethic revolves around getting cake. That’s a norm for journalists. You want media people to come to your dinky store opening? Give out free cake. And coffee. And hookers.

Kids should have to do real work over the summer. It hardens up the bones. My bones are so brittle that I think I broke my hand turning my steering wheel this afternoon when I was driving to the 7/11. Luckily, all the slurpee syrup in my blood knit the bones back together and I can still type and masturbate at the same time.

Those kids working at McDonalds need to be picking weeds or rocks or digging mines or something. If you do hard, manual labour when you’re a kid it toughens you up for the real world. The service industry will just make you want to kill everyone and everything. Working outdoors only builds contempt for nature. Everything will seem so much easier compared to digging a ditch in the blazing sun for eight hours, only to fill the ditch with water the next day and watch the ditch collapse on itself. Ditches are bitches. And for quitters.

The first job my son will have will be picking rocks on his grandfather’s farm. He’ll pick rocks from 6 a.m. until noon, then I’ll wake up and take him to baseball practice and he’ll like it. He’ll learn to love baseball because at least it’s not picking rocks with Grandpa. I’ll be napping in the car, but he’ll be out there building social skills and not being a pansy-loser who lives through television and movies. And his son.

Manual labour teaches kids to love their office jobs. Working with your mind is easy after you’ve been picking up sticks and dog crap from the park with your bare hands. If your kid is stupid and will end up doing nothing with his life, getting him out into the manual labour world will be the best for them. If you’re around for long enough, everyone more senior than you will die or quit and you’ll be the boss. That doesn’t work in the real world – only in the world of manual labour!

It's not too late to give your kid his first taste of manual labour. Here's a handy guide to teaching your kid about life and why it sucks so much for stupid people with no schooling:


Good summer job for a kid: Working on a road construction site. Helping the engineers measure shit and riding around in the back of a truck all day kicks ass. Trucks build character. Just don’t let him be the one to hold the stop sign or those stupid flags. That’s a chick job. Unless the pay is better, don't let him do a chick job.

Bad summer job for a kid: Sniffing paint as a cashier at the Home Depot. The Home Depot is a swirling vortex of soulless individuals and yuppie chicks who watch too much television and sleep in coffins they made by themselves in a class, hosted by the Home Depot. Evil lurks around every corner and resides in the lumber section. The natives have cursed those trees. When your deck collapses and the evil spirits are freed once more, you’ll understand. Serves you right for building a deck made out of OUR ANCESTORS!


Good summer job for a kid: Picking weeds on a golf course and being a caddy for people richer than you. Kids learn good shit on the golf course. Watch Caddyshack. Towards the end of the school year, play that movie on some television some where in the house, 24 hours a day. Play it in his room while he’s sleeping. It will eventually become engrained in his mind that he must work at the golf course. Hopefully he’ll get in good with the manager and you’ll get to golf for free. But if he crashes a cart or burns down the club house, leave town. Once you’re shunned by the golf course, you might as well drive off a cliff or go on a shooting spree at the McDonalds.

Bad summer job for a kid: Hat salesman at Sears. I hate Pimps and Queers. I got thrown out of there for hiding in a cabinet and scaring people when they opened it. And jumping on the beds. And peeing in a planter. And maybe eating some lipstick in the make-up section, but that doesn’t really matter now. The matter is, Sears will feel my wrath. They won’t know when and they won’t know how, but they’re going down. My campaign against Sears will show no mercy. If your kid is working there, he’ll get caught in the crossfire and will probably lose a leg or an arm or maybe I’ll just scalp him with a KitchenAid brand hatchet. Either way, stay the fuck out of Sears.


Good summer job for a kid: Street performer, aka a hobo. Dancing on the corner for nickels will show them what their lives will be like if they drop out of school to fulfill their dreams of making ballet costumes out of noodles or whatever those artsy kids do when they're not smoking pot and sitting in the Starbucks, not smoking pot. Stand and laugh at him daily when he's out there on that corner. Throw pennies at his head. Draw a penis on his face when he's sleeping and don't tell him it's there. Humiliation builds character.

Bad summer job for a kid: Street performer. See above.


Good summer job for a kid: Cutting grass at the hospital. He’s at a hospital. If he cuts off his hand, they’ll find some way to stick it back on. If they can't, he didn't deserve that hand anyway. You only have to worry about those saucy male nurses and their low-cut uniforms. Male nurses are all gay and like to tempt children with promises of candy, free elephant rides and piano lessons. Tape a nude picture of yourself on the back of your kid's shirt. That won’t save him from the rape, but at least you’ll find some use for all the nude pictures you took of yourself.

Bad summer job for a kid: Working the donut machine at the bakery in the Safeway. He’s going to get fat around all that grease. It will seep into his pores and he’ll start to need grease to breathe. Have you seen the cost of a grease humidifier? That’s bad news right there. Plus, Safeway donuts are balls and the bakery chicks all have AIDS. Well, maybe not AIDS. Maybe just bad haircuts and smelly breath.


Good summer job for a kid: Working on the railroad. He’ll find all sorts of neat shit on the tracks that he can bring home for you to sell on Ebay. He’ll learn to expand his vocabulary with the dirty, old men that work with him. Plus, he’ll learn all the words to that song 'I've been working on the railroad.' Just don’t let him ride the rails without you. If he gets away from his mother, it wouldn’t be fair to leave you behind with that mind-numbing wench and her plans to kill your soul and break your legs while you're sleeping so you can't run away again.

Bad summer job for a kid: Fiddler in a country band. He may get a free band jacket out of the deal, but riding around in a dirty old van with a bunch of whiskey-soaked old dudes isn’t a place for a young man. That’s your place. Learn how to fiddle and send the boy out to clean dirt at the dirt farm. Or make dirt on the dirt farm. I forget what they do on dirt farms. Something dirty, probably.


In summary, summer is for working outdoors. Keeping the kids out of the house will mean more time for your naps and running through the sprinklers in your underpants. If everything else fails, send your kids to art camp. If they hate it, they’ll want a job the next year when you threaten to send them back. If they like it, kill their fish and say that God did it because He doesn’t want you to be happy and the only way to save the souls of the fish is to give money to the church. Kids will believe anything you tell them until they catch you killing the fish. Claiming you are God might work, but that's a huge risk to take if your kid looks too much like Jesus and has a lot of Jew friends...

But even if it’s chasing ducks off the grass of a golf course or painting a fence for biscuits, your kid will learn that doing manual labour is tough and not to dick around in school.

Plus, he’ll be taking the job of an illegal Mexican immigrant.

Unless you are Mexican.

In that case, he’ll probably be accidentally deported in a mass raid by the government. You’ll get millions in a government settlement and you’ll finally be able to build a house big enough for your 12 brothers, your four sisters and their husbands, your 26 cousins, your parents and those mangy dogs that keep peeing on your pajamas at night.

Maybe the kid will be able to build the house.

Building your own house builds character. And a house!






railroad.jpg
railroad.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by Average_Dan at 2010-08-30 12:41:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Tape a nude picture of yourself on the back of your kid's shirt. That won't save him from the rape, but at least you'll find some use for all the nude pictures you took of yourself.


------------------

Gold

Submitted by darko at 2006-09-05 21:36:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-09-05 21:28:18 (#)
Ranking: 2

You. Are. Fucking. Awesome.

Submitted by Ducky at 2006-09-05 21:28:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You. Are. Fucking. Awesome.

Submitted by UnderOathMeal at 2006-09-05 21:21:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I want the railroad job.

I'll take a pay cut I don't give a shit.

Submitted by TheCrystalShip at 2006-09-05 21:03:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by compEngineer0 at 2006-08-09 10:28:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-07-24 16:08:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wish I had one of these awsome jobs.

Submitted by darko at 2006-06-24 03:10:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I would appreciate a summer job right about now.

Submitted by retrospect at 2006-04-17 13:17:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Kale at 2006-02-19 11:05:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Astropath at 2006-01-12 14:58:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh man. Priceless.
Tape a nude picture of yourself on the back of your kid's shirt. That won't save him from the rape, but at least you'll find some use for all the nude pictures you took of yourself.

and the dirt farm thing.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2006-01-12 14:28:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ab363 at 2005-10-22 20:03:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

This essay is freaking amazing. If it weren't full of grammatical errors, it would be even better than mine! Mad props and kudos.

Submitted by celine at 2005-10-19 02:16:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Earning less than an all-time +2 on something of this caliber builds character.

Well done.

Submitted by smoke_in_my_lungs at 2005-10-19 00:54:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Just stumbled upon this. Brilliant!

Submitted by rdn4 at 2005-07-09 19:07:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-07-09 02:06:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

It's the thought that counts, Rad.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-07-09 02:01:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I never read this.

Submitted by Deidra at 2005-07-08 23:56:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by BigCore at 2005-07-01 23:27:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck yeah.

Submitted by the_grendel at 2005-07-01 14:01:36 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Submitted by Pr0j3ct at 2005-07-01 02:22:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Kind of long and not that funny.

Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron at 2005-07-01 01:41:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bornloser at 2005-06-30 16:55:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Any kid that has ever had any job including labor/nature knows that truth of your post.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2005-06-30 14:22:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-06-28 14:07:28 (#)
Ranking: 1

Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-28 09:59:03 (#)
Ranking: 1

Well written, but not as great as some people would have you believe. +1

---------------------------

agreed. which is why I am not giving you a +3.

Submitted by Confuzitron at 2005-06-30 14:14:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Bravo!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-30 14:02:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'd believe it.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-30 13:44:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

When I submitted it I said underneath the link "Fuckin stevie_says did it again"

Submitted by DanielH at 2005-06-30 08:54:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Go home +++

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-30 04:07:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Number Four

Bart bart is my favourite!

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-29 22:18:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

BAM. ODD REVIEWS FOR YOU!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-29 02:52:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I wanted one of those.

*pouts*

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-29 02:46:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

my -2 DIE hoodie came out surprisingly well.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-29 02:18:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I was crushed by the poor quality of my 're 16 y/olds' t-shirt. Those CafePress assholes have tricked me for the last time. I'm going to make my own rad mug and it's going to be awesome!

Ha ha hahaha!

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-29 02:04:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I would get the rad black cap if the picture aligned better. Seriously it's a sweetass picture.





mhmmmm rad's sweet ass...

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-29 01:58:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Hahaha. I'm going to put hours and hours of work into something and everyone is going to go 'WTF? -2DIE! I vote for forfeit!'

I will cry into beer...which will be in my new Rad stein! Dun dun dun!

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-29 01:56:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Steve, you're gonna lose to a FORFEIT :(

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-29 01:49:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'll do it with style.

If I'm going to lose, it's going to be epic.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-29 01:48:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Like in Hackers?

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-29 01:31:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'm going to crash and burn in the first round.

Crash and burn....

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-29 01:25:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Welcome to Steve's House of Pancakes, where the syrup is always free!" Steve bellowed, letting loose a blast of brown-colored goo from deep within the recesses of his urethra.

---

This turned me on, somehow.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-29 01:24:22 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

you know you are going to choke in the first round, don't you?

all these inflated ratings/reviews?

just to placate you into over-confidence.


MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-29 01:15:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I pee blood

Submitted by FunnyAsCancer at 2005-06-28 18:10:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Welcome to Steve's House of Pancakes, where the syrup is always free!" Steve bellowed, letting loose a blast of brown-colored goo from deep within the recesses of his urethra.

~~~

Discuss.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 17:49:48 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Wait, I don't care anymore. -2 die!

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 17:49:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Third most heated or bust!

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 17:49:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

all the way I say!

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 17:48:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this is about to jump up to number 3

Submitted by Gnome at 2005-06-28 16:51:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

what can one comment on such a piece...


nice.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 16:26:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Only people who voted for me are allowed in. Even if those guys are probably lying.

When the results come out and you guys don't hear from me for a long time, assume I'm dead.

Well, not really.

...maybe.

Submitted by spedmonkey at 2005-06-28 16:15:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What the hell, I want in on UberCup. Since according to Mr. Cancer you all died, can I have the title by default?

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 16:04:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

red means "where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 15:56:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah, they are all good to start with, but I get fuckin sick of them after a while.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 15:39:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Three words Rad.

Free Pancakes

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 15:26:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have my head so far up steve's ass.

I don't know why.

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2005-06-28 15:25:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Safeway donuts ARE balls!

Submitted by yermom at 2005-06-28 15:05:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was excellent.

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2005-06-28 14:56:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Plus fucking two.

Growing up, I always dealt drugs but also maintained some side job as a partial cover to my parents. Manual labor jobs DO build character. My kid will work in demolition, landscaping, and construction for at least two summers each.

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2005-06-28 14:28:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-28 09:59:03 (#)
Ranking: 1

Well written, but not as great as some people would have you believe. +1

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-06-28 14:07:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-06-28 09:59:03 (#)
Ranking: 1

Well written, but not as great as some people would have you believe. +1

Submitted by stuckfix at 2005-06-28 10:14:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Boffo.

Submitted by Tom Sorrell at 2005-06-28 09:59:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Well written, but not as great as some people would have you believe. +1

Submitted by Coyote at 2005-06-28 09:42:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this fucking rocked... something about the Sears part...

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-06-28 09:21:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-28 08:12:35 (#)
Ranking: 2

And that's why you'll win UMIII.

Submitted by potatomanjack at 2005-06-28 09:20:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Best post I've read in a long time. If this doesn't make B@W, there's no justice in the world.

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-06-28 08:49:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W!

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-06-28 08:29:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Steve, just so I remember, you're the one who was at UberCon: Vegas that I barely talked to, right?

Is all this kick-assed-ness meant as payback for the snub?

If so, THANK GOD I SNUBBED YOUR SORRY ASS, BECAUSE NOW I CAN READ GOLDMINE SHIT LIKE THIS, FUCKER!

That didn't come out right, but you get the idea.

Now go review on Wazza...

Submitted by williamson at 2005-06-28 08:12:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And that's why you'll win UMIII.

Submitted by Obi-wan at 2005-06-28 07:20:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MisterDevious at 2005-06-28 06:36:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2005-06-28 05:20:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You'd better win UberMadness - Shamone!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 04:51:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

There will be a post about when I get the secret code for the sign-in name. Not to worry.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:48:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-06-28 04:48:17 (#)
Ranking: 2

Ok, as the only user here operating on standard uber time, I needs to get some fucking sleep. Again awesome post, and we'll see how the competition is looking tomorro

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:43:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

solved it rad

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 04:41:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

That was eleven different flavours of awesome.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 04:39:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:38:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Never count out habeeb man.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 04:35:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Mr. Cancer has spoken: http://www.ubersite.com/m/69474

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:30:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I loved that movie.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 04:29:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I can't believe the retarded quarterback wasn't really retarded!

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:28:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Me and my friends drove over to one of the local colleges and posed in front of the "special olympics" building and the signs for it outside of it.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 04:27:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Our cafeteria lady at work was this little short thing. We called her Gollum. She had a funny voice and would always slink around. It was really creepy.

We make fun of what we fear. It's a way of dealing with the unknown, which we inherently are afraid of.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:26:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/bloodhound-gang/20416.html

Pretend you heard that song on the radio and how it made you feel.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 04:22:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I need 4 more short journal entries.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 04:22:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Quick assignment. Think of this as helping me with my homework.

I would like you to start a "disability journal." No doubt, in the course of your daily life you experience interpersonal interactions and media events (videos, movies, songs, poetry, graffiti) that depict disability. There are many places where you might observe. It could be in public at a mall or sports event, a personal experience that you recall, maybe something you are reading, a movie, and discussion with another individual, an maybe just some of your own thoughts and observations as you study this course.
Each week during the course semester, you are to document these activities as you observe them. The content of the entry should include: 1) a description of the event, 2) discuss the setting, 3) review any physical gestures, and spoken words of the people involved, 4) a statement relating the observation back to the written material provided in the content of this course, 5) your critical opinion about the observation, and finally, 6) one quality question regarding the observation you compose for your group members in order to stimulate discussion regarding the observation.

An example of an entry would look somewhat the following: You are watching TV, and you see someone in sitcom acting like they are “retarded.” They are acting like an idiot and everyone is laughing. The person is even called “retarded.” Your entry would discuss your initial reaction, how you think someone with a disability would feel if they were watching, and the potential impact on the viewing audience. Does it promote a certain stereotype of the person with that type of disability? What do you think as a future teacher, you might do to alter the stereotypes that exist? How does this relate to any material you have been reviewing in the course (Chapter 1, page 8 discusses the treatment of people with disabilities over the course of history…). It is important to be aware of and observe both negative and positive events that are occurring to get an awareness of the current status for persons with disabilities in our society. A quality question might be: Why do people find it “humorous” to poke fun at people who have mental retardation? Why are people with mental retardation stereotyped as “stupid” or as “idiots.”


Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:21:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

UberCup, FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah,
UberCup, FUCK YEAH!
Ubering is the only way yeah,
Noobs your game is through cause now you have to answer too,
UberCup, FUCK YEAH!
So lick my butt, and suck on my balls,
UberCup, FUCK YEAH!
What you going to do when it comes for you now,
it’s the dream that we all share; it’s the hope for tomorrow

FUCK YEAH!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 04:18:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You have a point.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:18:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Rest assured, this is not that point.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 04:17:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

UberCup. Fuck yeah.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:17:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Maybe at some point we should stop having these convos on your post and just have them on aim?

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:17:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

_

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 04:06:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Yes, that's perfect. The two non-participants in the match-up decide title and word limit.

It sings!

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 04:05:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I think random word limits would be fun. Or could just have the two who aren't participating in the particular matchup agree on a word limit for the writers. Would work up untill the final, where I think a set limit is needed.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 04:02:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Each person you face could have a different word count limit.

Examples: You face rad, you have a 1,000 word limit; You face Steve, you have a 2,000 word limit....etc.

Or we could have a flat total for everyone. Just trying to mix it up.


Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:59:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

We gonna try to work with a word limit or no?

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:58:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The best thing about your format is I'm gonna get 2 points, wohooo!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 03:55:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Titles won't be a problem.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:54:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Actually, we could just use leftover ones from the ubermadness. Or hell ones that will even be used. There's enough there.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:53:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

How do we come up with titles?

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 03:50:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah, but how does that work?

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:50:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If we're having a series I want one of our challenges to be a one word limit. Who can post the one word that uber likes the best? Genius I tell you!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 03:49:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Suggestion:

Six round-robin write-offs. One vs. one. Two points for a win, One for a tie, Zero to the loser.

Then the fatal four-way, with eight points to the winner, six to second place, four to third and two to fourth.


Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:44:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And I'm gonna call you a plagerist http://www.ubersite.com/m/63376

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 03:44:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm just gonna post a picture of hidden101, no matter what the title is.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 03:43:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

It can be a challenge cup. Whoever holds the cup, holds the password.

We start off with a big exhibition fatal 4-way or a number of exhibitions leading up to the fatal 4-way. Either way there has to be something unique and slightly different from UberMadness.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:42:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Or just five 4 ways, give points 5 for first, 3 for second, 2 for third, and 0 for last. Also we need to keep these short if we want people to read them all on one post. Maybe 1k limit?

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:39:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Instead of one write off, let's make a series of it. Give points to the winenrs of the different ones, whoever has the most points wins it. Can do one 4 way and rank the people, have a tag team one where you have to write alternating paragraphs, have some other gimmicks thrown in too.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 03:37:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Fuck. Now I want pizza.

Anyhow, I've created both an email and uber account with the same name: ubercup_2005.

We pick a title and email the post to the addie.

Then the admin will paste the four submissions into one uber submit under the account and let shit go wild.

That's what I have in my mind. Any suggestions to make it less lame would be golden....

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-06-28 03:36:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I got distracted thinking of what a Doctor of Journalism would do.

The Scene: An Aeroplane

[Man furiously presses the stewardss call button]

Man [shouts] Help me! I have this interview with Brad Pitt to write about and I'm stuck for an angle.

Stewardess [remains cool] Don't worry sir, I'm fully trained in all possible flight emergencies.

ANNOUNCMENT: IS THERE A DOCTOR OF JOURNALISM ON BOARD? If you are a Doctor of Journalism, please alert a member of the cabim crew.

Stevie: [touches Stweardess on the arm] I believe I may be of some assistance Ma'am.

[A MATTER OF SECONDS LATER]

Stevie [TO MAN] Just use his burgeoning relationship with Angelina Jolie as a way in.

---fin---

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:33:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I don't like french bread, but I love French Bread pizza.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 03:32:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I've registered an account. Once it gets approved, we'll get this show on the road...

The UberCup: BRING THE PAIN!



...that's French for bread!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 03:32:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

so, uh, hows this going to work?

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:32:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I say we have a nuetral party pick the title. How about rads_wife ?

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 03:30:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh you are definitely in it rad, at least this way I won't get totally blown away on my own.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 03:23:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

It will be done, my child.

Submitted by A-Daamage at 2005-06-28 03:21:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"When your deck collapses and the evil spirits are freed once more, you'll understand. Serves you right for building a deck made out of OUR ANCESTORS!"
__________________________________________________

If I ever become self-righteous and pompous enough to have a biography written about me, will you please write it, Dr. _says? Then I can say a doctor wrote my biography, and people will be impressed, because doctors know everything. At least that's what my dentist tells me.

Submitted by DooZa at 2005-06-28 03:14:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Tape a nude picture of yourself on the back of your kid's shirt. That won't save him from the rape, but at least you'll find some use for all the nude pictures you took of yourself. "



... BLAAAHAHAHAHAH

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 03:13:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I like that title.

My suggestion is 'The Final Countdown.'

Dun dah dah dunnnn dah dah dah dah duh IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 03:12:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Sorry, but no. Quitting is for quitters.

You're going to get into the Madness. This is a tune up.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 03:10:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

title suggestion:

Truer Words Were Never Spoken

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 03:09:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

no way.

I cannot write for shit.

I forfiet.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 03:08:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

The contender has been named! Dibs has been called!

FATAL FOUR-WAY FOR THE UBERCUP!

Submitted by FunnyAsCancer at 2005-06-28 03:07:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And I call Mystery Contender in said 4-way battle.

Submitted by FunnyAsCancer at 2005-06-28 03:06:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I swear on my pet hamster Toby's grave, I will kill you if you make another awesome post. You're making me and my "masturbate or type, you only get one" ability look bad.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 03:05:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

A fatal four-way. We need one more person because three-way sounds too...ghey.

Just a little pre-tournie fun.

Darko vs. Rad vs. Steve vs. MYSTERY CONTENDER!!!!

One title, four dudes, a pound of butter, and the chance at the UberCup.

That's right. The UberCup.

SO SAYS MR._SAYS!


Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 02:58:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

what the hell is this Übermadness pre-madness madness to which you speak of?

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 02:43:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Once Rad weighs in, we'll make it so.

All my UberMadness dreams have centred on the appearance of the sign-up link and then the voting link. Once the results are up, I'll get to my real worries.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 01:56:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What I like best is that in the dreams I've been having about ubermadness, I remember the posts of my competitors that I lose to. I am so stealing them.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 01:50:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm game, though another thing I wanna see is uber vs. pulsehead. I think that would be an interesting matchup.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 01:48:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Dude, we could have a fatal four-way with a random user.

UberMadness Exhibition: The Show Before the Show That Rocks Your Socks Off

Maybe a tag-team event as well? I don't know. Something to get the creative juices going.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 01:45:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah, I said Taiwan twice, wanna fight over it?!

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 01:45:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

We should throuw our own ubermadness. You vs. Rad vs. Me we all get one title, people vote who they thinks is the best, winner is the uberlord. We'd be like Taiwan. If anybody tries to call our contest rigged and not fair to determine the true uberlord we mock them with snooty french accents. We'd kinda be like taiwan.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 01:41:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I think secondary votation is the submitting phase for the final slots.

Unless we eliminate the lowest vote getters and vote again for seeding.

Dammit, democracy is stupid.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 01:27:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So is it time for secondary voting?

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 01:23:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The deadline for preliminary voting is 11:59pm EDT June 27, 2005.


THE DEADLINE FOR PRELIMINARY VOTING IS 11:59PM edt JUNE 27, 2005!!TWELVE!!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-06-28 01:22:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you are such a pussy, steve.

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-06-28 01:21:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm against pancakes and in favor of flapjacks. flapjack sounds much cooler.

"Pardon me, miss, but does this restaurant serve a petite dejeuner? It does? Splendid, Could you give me a plate of, greasy, butter enriched FLAPJACKS!"

It sounds like you should orgasm after saying the word.

"Flapjacks! ohhh....ohhh...yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. SA-WEET! Feel my nipples."


Submitted by Or_ at 2005-06-28 01:20:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What will this be, number 4?

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 01:03:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well, we'll eat all of your pancakes and cake so that you can't eat anymore of them then.

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-06-28 00:56:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

yeah, i was wondering how much i missed the vote by....


oh...this post isn't bad at all. it's like...the opposite.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 00:52:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

That doesn't scare me. I already do that, so nah-nah-na-boo boo.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 00:43:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well, bart knows where you live so we could just show up there and do horrible things. Like drink your milk directly from the carton and wipe our buggers on your couch and use your keys to clean our ears.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 00:34:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo

You'll have to catch me first!

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 00:25:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Stevie, that was a test to see if you cared about getting into ubermadness enough. You Failed with a F-. Turn in your playbook and I'll have security escort you off the premises.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 00:23:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

They could give us some preliminary results. Exit-polling and the such. But I'll roll with the system that gets us the results the quickest.

I just like being a tard. I care about the votation, but not enough to email every council member and splurt my tard-babble.

Submitted by Harmless at 2005-06-28 00:17:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Kids do need to get hurt more.

In my last job I'd get burned at least 3 times per shift.
In my current job I've been electrocuted twice, had one jaw dislocation and a host of cuts and bruises. I dock ships.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 00:17:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I doubt they'll even tell us how the vites went. They'll probably now go and look at everyone who wasn't voted in and judge the reference posts, pick the bets of those, and then let us know when they have the seedings.

Submitted by Jeffisland1 at 2005-06-28 00:16:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hey good post. I actually work at a golf course. It's a badass job. I drive a cart around all day picking up trash and filling up water jugs. Then I park the carts and go home. It's like 10-14 hours a day, but it's fun to talk to guys who have been drinking since 8 am. Oh yeah, I get free golf, driving range, and cart rental. And free smokes and beer from the cooler golfers.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 00:13:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

So, OMG, where are teh votation results? WHERE????? WHEREE????

Aiiiieiieeeeeeeeeeee!

*pssshhwaaawwww*

Submitted by STIXS at 2005-06-28 00:13:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I should probably leave town, then. But not before I seek revenge on that smelly pirate's wench that crashed her cart into mine, while I was trying to set it on fire.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-28 00:09:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

That website is awesome. Some old dude called the paper one day and started talking about the 'web of lies' the paper produced. Here I thought he was being original in his rant...fucking asshole.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-28 00:06:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You want a web of lies?

You want a web of lies?

You can't handle a web of lies!

But in case you can http://www.davesweboflies.com/

Submitted by firefly at 2005-06-27 23:59:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-27 23:49:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

WEB OF LIES! WEB OF LIES!

Eyes...everywhere...looking at me...judging me..stop staring at my crotch, you bastards....

Submitted by BillsSBChamps at 2005-06-27 23:43:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Shit like this is the reason I voted for you.

Submitted by Crystle at 2005-06-27 23:41:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If I could vote, I'd vote for you Stevie!

sadly, I am too much of a newbie. Which also means that you don't know who I am...


<sob>

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-27 23:30:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

...It's people. Steve's Pancakes are made out of people. They're making our food out of people. Next thing they'll be breeding us like cattle for food.

Submitted by fried-green-potatoes at 2005-06-27 23:23:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2005-06-27 22:39:24 (#)
Ranking: 0

We get all sorts of free stuff. Promotional crap is the best. Free movie passes, free cds, free posters...

I try to be ethical, but it would be rude to say no. Free cake is free cake. If anyone calls you on it, you just slap 'Columnist' next to your name and you're set.
------
pisses self

Submitted by NocternalDragon at 2005-06-27 23:18:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Im giving you this based solely on the sears comment, I fucking hated working at that hell hole.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-27 23:15:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Fuck.

I was right all along.

Is it paranoia when they really are out to get you?

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-27 23:14:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Stevie, I can't take it anymore and I need to confess to you. Everyone lied to you when they said they voted for you. It was all rad's idea. He thought it would be funny for everyone to get together and pretend that we liked you and voted you in. It was fun at first watching you get your hopes up, but it's just sad now. You aren't getting into ubermadness steve. I'm sorry I had to do this but better you find out from me so I can rub it in your face than for the committee to tell you. I mean why should those bastards get all the fun?

Also all the +2s we've been giving you are part of the joke. We even got Bart in on it by putting you on bored at work. You are the literary equivalent to habeeb on this site, and we just like making you htink you are special and talented while we snicker behind your back. Sorry man, but hey thanks for all the laughs!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-27 23:06:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

As long as you keep pointing it out, I'm going to keep doing it....

One hour till voting is up.

Submitted by sg11588 at 2005-06-27 22:58:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Asshole. You put that damn space in there again.

Submitted by iddqd at 2005-06-27 22:54:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

nice, but you kept using the same joke over and again. lets see some variety. and something new. and free hookers.


Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-27 22:39:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

We get all sorts of free stuff. Promotional crap is the best. Free movie passes, free cds, free posters...

I try to be ethical, but it would be rude to say no. Free cake is free cake. If anyone calls you on it, you just slap 'Columnist' next to your name and you're set.

Submitted by girlintheworld at 2005-06-27 22:32:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

JOURNALISTS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO RECEIVE GIFTS! THATS AGAINST THE ETHICS!!!

That being said...


I interviewed new restaurant owners and they had the most delicious smoked salmon eggrolls ever. Now, normally, I don't like salmon or eggrolls, but you put that shit together and it is YUM.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-27 22:31:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You're still my boy, darko.


Submitted by darko at 2005-06-27 22:29:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted to B@W

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-27 22:16:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

FINISH YOUR VOTING, PEOPLE!!!

LESS THAN TWO HOURS TO GO!!!!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-27 22:15:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

At least once a month, we have free cake here. It's just to keep us all from going totally insane and finding something real to do with our lives.

Like being a zookeeper. I wish I worked in a real zoo rather than this human zoo...

Submitted by Yams at 2005-06-27 22:13:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

There's some hospital job that involves cleaning all the shiny knives and things used in surgeries. In addition, your kid can watch the surgeries being performed. As long as he doesn't get too close to those saucy male nurses, seeing some guys pieces falling out of him has got to make a kid pretty manly.

Submitted by darko at 2005-06-27 22:11:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Most of my work ethic revolves around getting cake. That's a norm for journalists.
-----------
Makes me glad I'm going into journalism.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-27 22:06:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'm afraid of butterflies. And witches.

*shudder*

Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge at 2005-06-27 22:02:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm a sociopath. I know, who'd have thunk it?

Submitted by crazybutsolazy at 2005-06-27 21:54:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

interesting........

Submitted by stevie_says at 2005-06-27 21:52:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


I was so busy making this post that I almost forgot I had work to do...

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2005-06-27 21:52:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm a doctor of journalism, goddamnit!

Submitted by Grownasskid at 2005-06-27 21:49:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I work outside all day, and nature can give me a plam job

Submitted by knucklesnelson at 2005-06-27 21:48:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Bart: What religion are you?

Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't
work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

Homerpalooza