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The Bell is a Barman's Best Friend

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-07-25 04:48:15 EDT
Rating: 1.96 on 107 ratings (107 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

There is a woman at the club I work in, who hates me. I have no explanation for it. A lot of people hate me, and they all have reasons. I am a sarcastic, annoying, ignorant little prick, but normally people take the time to realise that before deciding.

This bitch did no such thing.

The first time she saw me, she hated me.

First thing I should mention is that it’s not a nightclub. It’s a working men’s club, which is a term we aren’t allowed to use anymore, because women got let in about thirty years ago and we’re just catching up. So it’s a members only social club.

And as such, it’s often full of old people, especially on Thursday and Saturday night, as those are bingo nights. Yep. I work in a place where they play bingo. Thankfully I only work every now and again, but it’s been enough to let this women hate me and show that hatred in so, so many ways.

No matter what I do, it’s wrong.

She asks for a shandy, there’s three ways things can go:

1. I give her a pint. She says: “I didn’t want a pint!”
2. I give her half a pint. She says: “I wanted a pint!”
3. I ask her what she wants. She tuts and says like I’m retarded: “Half a pint of course.”, followed by another tut.

And that isn’t the only thing. I swear to God I’ve never once managed to serve her without her making me sound like a spastic in a coma.

She has a soft drink and I don’t put ice in, she gets pissed. I put ice in, she gets pissed.

She pays with a £10 for something less than £5 and I give her a £5 note in the change, she wanted five £1 coins.

I give her her drink in the glass she always has and it’s the wrong one. I change the glass accordingly, one drink later it’s the wrong glass.

And if I ask what she wants with anything, she tuts before and after answering and then talks to me as if she was a simple customer and I didn’t know her regular drink.

She has basically made my Thursday and Saturday working down there a hell. If she wasn’t so old and I was sure she was going to die soon through bitterness and being a shit (and I’ll be honest, I pray for it a bit too) then I would stop working there on Thursday and Saturday.

I can’t believe I get bullied by an old lady.

And then to make things worse, they’ve recently moved into the house next door to mine, but on a different street (strange set-up, but the bitch is there).

And then, on Thursday, the perfect time came. And yes, I suppose there is a double meaning to that.

A few weeks ago the cow took a turn and since then has not been able to walk very well. And I have no shame in saying I was chuffed to fuck. In a way I get the feeling God was teasing me, but I’ll have patients.

So anyway I was working, and it was ten to eleven and I rang the bell for last orders, which basically means people have ten minutes to come and get any drinks, before we have to stop serving. Normally we’re a little bit relaxed about it and we won’t ring the second bell until we’re sure everyone has what they want.

Not many people in that day, so by five to eleven everyone had their drinks. I looked around and everyone was happy. Then I noticed her walking back from the end of the club to her seat. She’d probably just been drowning puppies or kidnapping children or something, and so had missed the last orders.

She picked up her glass that was empty and then began to walk slowly towards the bar.

I looked at the clock. Just over two minutes left before time.

Someone offered to help her. The cranky and stubborn bitch wouldn’t accept it.

She hobbled on.

Another clock check. She was half way here and there was still a minute before time.

She was getting closer.

I looked up. Caught her eye. She looked like she was on her way to kick the shit out of the devil. She really hated me.

I couldn’t help it. I smiled as I reached up for the rope under the bell.

The look on her face changed. She knew what I was going to do.

Her face changed to one of even more bitterness and hatred and I was happy.

I’d put up with her abuse and annoyance and treating me like shit for ages, and it was all thanks to moments like this.

The loud ding was the sound of victory ringing out across the bar. She was within arms reach if she could stretch. Her glass was on the bar before the echo had even stopped.

“Half a…” She started.

“Sorry.” I interrupted. “Time.”

“But you saw me on my way why the…”

“It’s the law I’m afraid.” I smiled. “If I could, you know that I would love to serve you. But we don’t want to get into trouble now. Do we?”

Never has my voice been so patronising. Never has anyone hated me so much.

With that I picked up her empty and took it down to the glass washer, leaving her stood at the bar, nearly on fire with rage.

I honestly can’t wait until next time I work Thursday. Round Two, bitch.


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Reviews


Submitted by YourNameHere at 2009-05-29 18:47:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Not bad, w_t_a_s_t_c_u_m

Submitted by shadow at 2009-01-30 19:16:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Classics.

Submitted by experima at 2008-05-29 15:25:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this was sweeeeeet

Submitted by shadow at 2008-03-26 15:23:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

it's the little things.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-07-25 10:27:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Mike-Mc at 2007-07-25 09:59:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2007-05-27 20:51:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2005-07-29 10:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

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Submitted by crizza (user info) at 2005-07-29 08:42:00 (#)
Ranking: 2

Old people should be shot at birth

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Just shout "House" after six numbers. Normally knocks a few of them off


________

This made me laugh in a really unattractive way. You know, a bit like when you scream because someone jumps out on you, but it's such real fear, the scream comes from the bottom of your belly and sounds alot deeper than your normal voice and very very ood. It was a laugh version of that scream.

Submitted by Crystle at 2007-05-11 16:51:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I miss Nath :-(

Submitted by Progr3ss at 2007-02-22 23:03:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

nice one

Submitted by EchoBoxing at 2006-03-22 21:29:19 EST (#)
Rating: 1

some impressive streak but i don't see it. it's too ordinary.

Submitted by Jai at 2006-03-15 08:24:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wouldn't dare give this a bad review even if it wasn't funny as fuck

Hooray for you!

Submitted by Crystle at 2006-03-10 23:28:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

<3

Submitted by dedre at 2006-03-09 02:59:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome story, I'll be sure to be nice to my bars-people for stories like this.

Though, my high school buddy now works at a gay bar....ehhhhhh

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2006-03-09 01:52:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

She's probably lez.

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-03-09 00:44:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-07-25 05:02:51 (#)
Ranking: 2

Guinness extra cold.

My weapon of choice.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-03-05 12:29:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Brilliant

Submitted by Axolotl at 2006-02-10 12:56:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Perfect

Submitted by Douglas at 2006-02-10 12:47:32 EST (#)
Rating: 1

okay.

Submitted by AshK at 2006-02-09 17:21:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Missed this one.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2006-02-09 08:53:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

So I guess I didn't rate this when I read it months ago.

Here y'go.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2005-12-30 09:18:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Very well done! Kudos

Submitted by ilikeyoghurt at 2005-12-30 08:58:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Outstanding dude! As a former barman myself, I always found that silently turning round and walking away when people were giving you shit was the funniest thing to do. Either that or waiting until the boss is out of earshot and telling the customers that I'm stirring their drink with my cock.

Submitted by kimberly at 2005-12-26 18:01:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by silverstone148 at 2005-12-26 17:26:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by phuzzygish at 2005-11-09 12:16:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Falco at 2005-10-13 04:25:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

haha

Submitted by Choppa at 2005-10-10 13:01:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i work in a bar too.

good work.

i had drnk people when i'm sober.

Submitted by PigOnLifeSupport at 2005-10-09 09:21:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Olga at 2005-10-09 08:39:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hi, i didn't read it, but everyone's giving you a +2, so what the hell

Submitted by Insanethemind at 2005-09-11 18:23:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nicely done.

Submitted by Papajoe at 2005-09-07 19:01:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Perfecto!

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-09-03 06:38:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

wooo! Best ever!

pop pop pop

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-08-31 09:03:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Barnymeinhoff at 2005-08-30 10:39:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I would have slung amonia in her eyes but your way was good as well.

Submitted by FartSmeller at 2005-08-30 10:23:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sometimes the only thing that will suffice is a good GIT R DONE.





GIT R DOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!

Submitted by Confuzitron at 2005-08-18 18:52:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Can't believe I didn't rate this yet.

Submitted by Lechuga at 2005-08-07 14:13:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

GO 71'st REVIEW WOO!

Submitted by antluvdog at 2005-08-06 18:37:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah! Fuck that bitch!

Submitted by pbnjams at 2005-08-05 10:21:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Flippin hilarious. Bitchy old ladies deserve everything they get. Of course, when I'm old, I'm sure I'll be an evil old hag, but I hope someone has the balls to spar with me. It's not fun being wenchy if nobody fights back.

Submitted by STIXS at 2005-08-03 19:56:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hate old people...they never taste as good as the advertisements promise.

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2005-08-03 00:53:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Right on!

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-08-02 10:53:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-08-02 06:11:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2005-08-02 05:28:57 (#)
Ranking: 2

OMG SHIT I BROEK UR STRAEK!!!"wIM SO SRORY!(*&Tg


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Strangely weird in a wonderful way

Submitted by DeathJester at 2005-08-02 05:28:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

OMG SHIT I BROEK UR STRAEK!!!"wIM SO SRORY!(*&Tg

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-08-01 19:48:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yes

Submitted by Banga3386 at 2005-07-31 18:43:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I thought I did too

Submitted by spedmonkey at 2005-07-31 18:19:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Damn, thought I reviewed this.

Submitted by KDdid at 2005-07-31 06:27:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That story has totally made my day!!! I wish I had a bell now....Damn I need a holiday

Submitted by WookieSuave at 2005-07-30 19:03:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I am a bartender and I now officially have a non-sexual crush on you and your methods.

Methods as in ways, not...... method

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-07-29 10:59:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by crizza (user info) at 2005-07-29 08:42:00 (#)
Ranking: 2

Old people should be shot at birth

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Just shout "House" after six numbers. Normally knocks a few of them off

Submitted by crizza at 2005-07-29 08:42:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Old people should be shot at birth

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2005-07-29 05:43:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W


Woohooo!!

Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple at 2005-07-29 02:04:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

2 for you, none for me.

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2005-07-28 09:03:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

very nice

Submitted by Pentameter at 2005-07-27 18:51:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You fucking rock.

Congrats on B@W!

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-07-27 16:47:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by userpete86 (user info) at 2005-07-27 14:01:46 (#)
Ranking: 2

Well, that's the second best revenge I've ever heard of.

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Who beat me? The Sith? The Living Dead? ......... I'm out

Submitted by freebie at 2005-07-27 16:23:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It's a good post and not ubermadness related. +2 for you.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2005-07-27 15:59:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by userpete86 at 2005-07-27 14:01:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well, that's the second best revenge I've ever heard of.

Submitted by Vulva at 2005-07-27 13:04:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ding ding

Submitted by TheJessicar at 2005-07-27 12:35:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Old people are lame.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-07-27 06:14:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by Malificent (user info) at 2005-07-27 05:23:10 (#)
Ranking: 2

I used to work behind a bar where people would actually verbally abuse me when I called last orders. Chavs. -.-

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I only get the abuse when people say they didn't hear either bell (it sounds like a fucking fire alarm in a matchbox) and then try to accuse me of not ringing it.

Clearly the other thirty people in the bar imagined it at once.

Tossers

Submitted by Malificent at 2005-07-27 05:23:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I used to work behind a bar where people would actually verbally abuse me when I called last orders. Chavs. -.-

Submitted by Kittie at 2005-07-27 02:28:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.

Submitted by turnbbw at 2005-07-26 23:20:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for the picture

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2005-07-26 20:15:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

!

Submitted by maelstrom_x at 2005-07-26 20:14:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh man, you rule. You rule so much.

Submitted by jack11058 at 2005-07-26 14:01:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ha

Submitted by potatomanjack at 2005-07-26 13:55:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It hurts so good

Submitted by ess-arr at 2005-07-26 11:45:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

DING! WE have a Winner!

Submitted by TheEvilleprechaun at 2005-07-26 11:17:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

drop kick her in the ovaries

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-07-26 10:37:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:35:24 (#)
Ranking: 2

I bet that she's a lousy tipper.

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Not if the floor's wet. HA HA BOOM BOOM

God, I've lost it. I always said the day I quote Basil Brush on Uber is the day I've truly lost it.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-07-26 10:35:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I bet that she's a lousy tipper.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-07-26 10:18:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-07-26 10:09:35 (#)
Ranking: 2

Do you do body shots?

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For a lady who not only does this: http://www.ubersite.com/m/64786

But who also posts it, I could stretch to anything.

Why don't we get people with those talents in the club?

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-07-26 10:09:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Do you do body shots?

Submitted by Sassmasterr at 2005-07-26 09:59:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

what a bitch

Submitted by williamson at 2005-07-26 06:24:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Worthy of Best Ever page and B@W.

Congrats.

Submitted by mbwun at 2005-07-26 05:57:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Fabit at 2005-07-26 05:20:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:02:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

Congrats on B@W. (Again)

-Dave

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Congratulations fella!

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-07-26 05:17:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2005-07-26 05:02:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

Congrats on B@W. (Again)

-Dave

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Well hot dawg...

Submitted by Davros at 2005-07-26 05:02:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W. (Again)

-Dave

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2005-07-25 16:28:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HEY ARSEHOLE!! THAT'S MY SISTER!!!

Submitted by kissmyarse at 2005-07-25 16:17:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-07-25 16:10:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Time!

Submitted by BillsSBChamps at 2005-07-25 15:32:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

As a former bartender this gets a +159653633245352.

You are truely a good among boys.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-07-25 15:31:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by spamtrap50 at 2005-07-25 15:08:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Mr-Boo at 2005-07-25 12:05:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2005-07-25 12:03:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My nigga.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-07-25 10:30:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-07-25 09:57:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Now shut up and give me a drink bitch

Submitted by jinhenkim at 2005-07-25 09:39:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by goose at 2005-07-25 09:23:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The bar I worked in had a giant digital clock that would turn on at last call and wind down until legal close. We had this older guy, who was a complete asshole, and we convinced him that the clock would cut access to the kegs when it hit 2:00am.

By then, he was too drunk to remember we served bottles too - drunk old guy abuse is the most entertaining thing to watch, ever.

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-07-25 09:21:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.
The pic was too funny, almost made me shoot some of my sandwich out of my nose

Submitted by GaidinCanuck at 2005-07-25 09:05:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Too funny. And well done. Just 'cause someone's old don't mean they can get away with that shit.

Submitted by funk_boy at 2005-07-25 07:38:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

auto +2 granny battling.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-07-25 07:18:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The thought has crossed my mind, but some pussy (FABIT) won't help me. And I'll be fucked if I'm touching an old lady.

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For fucks sake man just rob your mum's marigolds and have done with it. Violence is the only language these people understand and you've got to explain the situation to her with a 'full-stop' if you know what I mean. Bloody OAP's coming over here, stealing our jobs and polluting our gene pool with the abominable offspring. Don't even bother to learn the language and the noise they make from their bastard TV's. I used to live next to an old man who'd sit in his garden blasting out the Archers at full volume, I fixed him by pissing through his letter box every three days and scrawling "wanker" on his front window. Soon moved on, degenerate coward that he was.

Strike a blow for blighty my lad!

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-07-25 07:12:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 07:06:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

I forgot to mention, she's about 70. That's how bad it is.

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Oh well that's alright then. You'll never change her opinion of you so just cave her head in after work and dump her in the canal. It's the circle of life, man.

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The thought has crossed my mind, but some pussy (FABIT) won't help me. And I'll be fucked if I'm touching an old lady.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-07-25 07:06:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I forgot to mention, she's about 70. That's how bad it is.

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Oh well that's alright then. You'll never change her opinion of you so just cave her head in after work and dump her in the canal. It's the circle of life, man.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-07-25 06:45:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-07-25 06:40:30 (#)
Ranking: 2

I wouldn't take it personally dude, you probably just look like her dad or an ex-abusive-boyfreind.

I feel your pain though, when I was a barman I had to work under a very bitter supervisor too. I was proper shit though so I let her off.

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I forgot to mention, she's about 70. That's how bad it is.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-07-25 06:40:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wouldn't take it personally dude, you probably just look like her dad or an ex-abusive-boyfreind.

I feel your pain though, when I was a barman I had to work under a very bitter supervisor too. I was proper shit though so I let her off.

Submitted by Fleadh at 2005-07-25 05:27:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Have a wank cloth and use it to wipe her glass.

Submitted by Fabit at 2005-07-25 05:22:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Brilliant. Satisfaction in every sense of the word. Can you tell Jo i can't find my Lego. My mum must have chucked it. Its quite depressing really. She's left all my starwars figurines though, Ebay here i come...

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2005-07-25 05:19:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hated being a barmaid.
I don't like people much.

Submitted by Dervel at 2005-07-25 05:02:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Guinness extra cold.

My weapon of choice.


Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2005-07-25 05:00:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

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Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-07-25 04:57:40 (#)
Ranking: 2

hahaha, great. When I was a waitress as a student there was a reallly fussy woman that used to come in every day and give us hell. We used to do nasty stuff to her food.

Learn to spell patience. Patients are what you get in the hospital.



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I would but I just don't have the patients to learn to spell.

HA! See what I did there? Pretty sad, huh? Monday morning, it is...

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-07-25 04:57:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahaha, great. When I was a waitress as a student there was a reallly fussy woman that used to come in every day and give us hell. We used to do nasty stuff to her food.

Learn to spell patience. Patients are what you get in the hospital.


I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all! The
terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles!

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Rival