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Why is the continent of Andalusia Missing? --I ate it!
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Dead Things in the Water

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-08-10 07:20:19 EDT
Rating: 1.95 on 65 ratings (65 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

It’s been a ridiculously hot summer. We’re averaging between 35 and 40 degrees Celsius here lately, and there’s been no reprieve in weeks. My city is completely surrounded by lakes though, and this year I’ve made it my goal to swim in as many of them as I can. Until last week I hadn’t checked out the largest (and incidentally the closest) of the lot. One reason being because there isn’t a single scrap of shade surrounding it, and the other reason being that in certain points, the depth of the lake has yet to be determined…this bothers me.

Due to its depth, it provides convenient dumping grounds for unwanted things. In this area people tend to be lazy when it comes to this, ultimately leading to items being dumped into the river, which eventually drains into the lake. When the river is really low however, these ‘items’ often find themselves washing up onto the shores before reaching their final destination (three dead prostitutes last year, along with numerous non-human things, i.e. bags of kittens and whatnot). Maybe it’s the sick side of me, but I can’t help thinking about all the years when the river hasn’t been low. Exactly how many dead things will I be sharing this lake with? More importantly, how many HUMAN dead things?? I don’t particularly feel like coming face to face with some slimy decomposing smack whore while I’m diving underwater. The thought of that makes me think of the underwater scene in Big Trouble in Little China…you know the one, with the rotting dead people and the chains and stuff. Man, how badass is Kurt Russell anyways? Oh man. If you don’t remember that scene, you need to re-watch the movie. When I first saw it as a kid, it gave me nightmares and made me scream bloody murder and wet the bed for months.

So a couple of days ago, I get nervy and decide to bite the bullet and take a dip in this particular lake. I grab a friend of mine, and off we go. After a short 20-minute hike in, we’re there. The water is the perfect temperature, and it does a great job in cooling us off. A nice breeze picks up, and that’s when the smell hits me. It smells like something dead. Salmon? No, it’s too early in the year. My friend notices it too, and since we were pretty much done anyways, we get out of the water and start walking along the shore. I notice something not too far off in the distance, half submerged; the smell is getting stronger, and soon we’re covering our faces with our towels.

As we get closer, it becomes clear. It’s a fucking horse. A ripe, bloated, stinking, been-here-for-minimum-2-weeks, fucking horse. Upon discovering Tonto, what does my friend want to do? Of course, she wants to get closer.

“Fuck that, you go ahead”.

“You pussy”.

I really don’t want to get graphic (the hell I don’t), but chunks of flesh were missing all over the place, and you could see where birds or something had completely torn its ass wide open. Kind of like horse goatse. Like exactly. So I back away while she creeps forward. She gets within two feet of it, and then turns to say something to me.

But she doesn’t.

Oh no. Instead, her flip-flop catches on a rock and throws her off balance. She reels backwards and lands directly on top of the bloody thing. Floundering, she screams for me to help her. I should help her. I know I should help her. But I don’t. I can't. I’m too busy staring at her and mastering the art of being a pussy.

Once she’s up, she staggers towards me. We don’t talk; we just walk silently to my car (which fucking stinks like dead horse now thanks to her…febreeze works wonders on animal smells though, right? I think I’m going to need a lot of it, either that or sell the car). I will not be swimming in that lake again.





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Submitted by Amontillado at 2006-11-05 00:17:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*shudders*

Submitted by Dante_Alighieri at 2005-11-19 22:35:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Horse goatse..." Fucking priceless.

Submitted by SouthernMom at 2005-09-14 13:37:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

awsome

Submitted by Ingsoc at 2005-09-04 01:59:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Curious how the title has suddenly become highly pertinent to current events.

Submitted by Neener at 2005-09-02 01:04:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are a pussy. lol

Submitted by Merlina at 2005-09-01 05:50:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

SO, SO gross.

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-08-30 18:40:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yesh

Submitted by Insanethemind at 2005-08-29 21:03:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Very funny, a horse you say?


I once stumbled upon a dead raccoon in the woods that was bloated.


It stunk.

Submitted by Banga3386 at 2005-08-29 17:31:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Short, sweet, smells like ass, and full of awesome; although I have a feeling I will be having nightmares about what my mind thinks "Horse Goatse" really looks like. jesus christ


Banga

Submitted by hael at 2005-08-24 00:39:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yuk!!!!! (spews) i just ate lunch

Submitted by Siren at 2005-08-18 16:57:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Holy shit, that poor girl.

Congrats on B@W, Ducky! Good show...

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2005-08-18 03:50:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That's some crazy shit.

Congrats.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-08-17 21:33:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

whoa!

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-08-17 17:01:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

horrible! B@W yay!

Submitted by RyuFu at 2005-08-17 12:52:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh....my....lord....

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2005-08-17 02:45:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

sorry.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2005-08-17 02:40:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Do dead kittens smell like....









































pussy?

Submitted by Feijuada at 2005-08-17 02:29:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WHOOOOO

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2005-08-17 02:06:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on the B@W. Man, this is an awsome post.

Submitted by nightshade at 2005-08-17 02:04:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

lol, was she hot though?

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-08-16 23:55:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
Bored at work baby! YAAAA!

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-16 23:25:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

dead kittens and horse goatse = auto +2

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-08-16 23:09:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats.

Submitted by nwalma at 2005-08-16 23:05:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Gross

Submitted by Sassmasterr at 2005-08-16 14:14:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

<strangely aroused>

Submitted by Pippy at 2005-08-16 11:26:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm too busy staring at her and mastering the art of being a pussy.

YES! I know the feeling. Oh, wait...no, I don't. No, not at all.

Pussy.

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2005-08-16 10:53:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'd clap for you if my hand wasn't stuck in a beartrap right now

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2005-08-16 10:23:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Woo B@W

<moonwalks>

Submitted by Jay Peg at 2005-08-16 10:15:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww......

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2005-08-16 05:35:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I don't particularly feel like coming face to face with some slimy decomposing smack whore while I'm diving underwater"

You should avoid public pools in Australia.

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-08-16 04:28:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

We just walk silently to my car
______________________

Man, make that stinky asshole walk home!

Hahahahaha, she fell on a dead horse.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-16 04:04:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

wowie wow wow B@W and all that nonsense.

Submitted by bart at 2005-08-16 03:56:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-14 23:31:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you cannot wash dead out of your car.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2005-08-10 16:18:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ewwwww

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2005-08-10 15:12:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.ubersite.com/m/52514


Almost the same deal, only with a dead deer. I wish I were joking. Actually, no I don't, because in retrospect, it was funny as shit.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2005-08-10 13:50:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Mmmm... Dead things

Submitted by Deidra at 2005-08-10 12:42:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ew!

Submitted by krissi at 2005-08-10 12:40:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good entry.

Luckily, bagel regurgitation doesn't hurt.

Submitted by spamtrap50 at 2005-08-10 12:30:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by gamma at 2005-08-10 12:18:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

aaaaaaahahahaahahaahaha.

You just reminded me of the BO episode of Seinfeld.

It's been a brutal summer in Ottawa this year. With humidex, it's been up to 46 celcius a few times.

Submitted by ruthless at 2005-08-10 11:41:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ew.

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-08-10 11:08:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

In college, I went swimming at "the pits" which were just a couple small lakes dredged out of the sand near a local river. The property on which "the pits" were located abutted some ranchers and his fences opened into the pits to allow his cattle to have access to water.

Well, a couple of my friends and I swam all the way across the pits, just to see if we could (smart!). Luckilly we made it, but as we were catching our breath in the shallows on the opposite side I stepped on something slimey. My foot punctured whatever it was, went right through it.

Yeah. Dead cow.

I can still feel it.

<shiver>



I also wrote a post about Febreeze once. (What? Everyone else is linkwhoring.)

http://www.ubersite.com/m/58322

Submitted by TheSpook at 2005-08-10 11:02:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Perfect for lunchtime reading!

Submitted by manicvelocity at 2005-08-10 10:55:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Goddamnit, it's pronounced "goat sex". Anyone who can't parse "goatse.cx" into "goat sex" is a fucking retard.

I liked your story though. Reminds me of driving through Wisconsin and seeing dead cow after dead cow lining the highways.

Pussy.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-08-10 10:33:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-10 10:31:20 (#)
Ranking: 2

Theres no shame in being a pussy - pussys tend to live longer, if not fuller, lives. At least its tougher to die screaming, though.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GOOOOOOSSSSSSEEEEEE!

Submitted by goose at 2005-08-10 10:31:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Theres no shame in being a pussy - pussys tend to live longer, if not fuller, lives. At least its tougher to die screaming, though.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-08-10 10:07:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-10 10:05:42 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:49:12 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:29:17 (#)
Ranking: 2

Dead horses can't say no.

How the fuck does one dump a dead horse in the river anyway? I mean, it's not like you can just pick it up and dump it on the back seat, can you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It falls in the river and drowns you dumbass.
--------------------
I think it caught a glimpse of one of the dead prostitutes and had a heart attack.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Call Brass.

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-08-10 10:05:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:49:12 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:29:17 (#)
Ranking: 2

Dead horses can't say no.

How the fuck does one dump a dead horse in the river anyway? I mean, it's not like you can just pick it up and dump it on the back seat, can you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It falls in the river and drowns you dumbass.
--------------------
I think it caught a glimpse of one of the dead prostitutes and had a heart attack.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-08-10 08:52:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sweet, horse goatse.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-08-10 08:49:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-10 08:29:17 (#)
Ranking: 2

Dead horses can't say no.

How the fuck does one dump a dead horse in the river anyway? I mean, it's not like you can just pick it up and dump it on the back seat, can you?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It falls in the river and drowns you dumbass.

Submitted by Merlina at 2005-08-10 08:41:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ooooh

Submitted by Avals at 2005-08-10 08:29:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dead horses can't say no.

How the fuck does one dump a dead horse in the river anyway? I mean, it's not like you can just pick it up and dump it on the back seat, can you?

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-10 08:25:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-10 08:25:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This picture in this post is from my car.

It was sitting in the shade at the time.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2005-08-10 08:24:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This reminded me of the secret/hidden song on my Invincible album!

The Dead Horse Song - by innocent pop star, Michael Jackson

<sings>
I found a dead horse
It was dead
For once it was not me <oh no>
BUT WHOM KILLED IT
WHOM KILLED IT
WHOM KILLED IT
AND WHY? <come on now bahybeeeee!>
Shamone!
fin
</sings>


Submitted by Ducky at 2005-08-10 08:08:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Holy crap Rad...I hope you, the wife, and the meep meeps have air conditioning wherever you're at.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-08-10 07:58:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:50:17 (#)
Ranking: 2

it got up to about 48º here the other day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Centigrade? Is that legal?

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-10 07:50:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

it got up to about 48º here the other day.

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-08-10 07:46:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-10 07:40:11 (#)
Ranking: 2

Thist post had everything, suspense, crime, death, a fit laaaydeeee peeing in bed, febreeze...

If it had featured Sam 'n' Max it would have been worthy of B@W
-------------------------------------------------------------
Damnit all to hell...I knew it was missing something.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-08-10 07:40:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Thist post had everything, suspense, crime, death, a fit laaaydeeee peeing in bed, febreeze...

If it had featured Sam 'n' Max it would have been worthy of B@W

Submitted by Timberwolves_At_New_York at 2005-08-10 07:35:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2005-08-10 07:34:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

and we're done with my mushroom and wine Pasta 'n' Sauce.
>pushes it away sadly<

Submitted by jimthefiend at 2005-08-10 07:30:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ick

Submitted by ajanssen at 2005-08-10 07:29:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I found myself a mermaid slut in a filthy lake and proceeded to fuck her. http://www.ubersite.com/m/72342


Homer: What?! Flanders! You're the Devil?

Devil Flanders:
Ho-oh, it's always the one you least suspect.

Treehouse of Horror IV