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You Don’t Fucking Cum on Sunshine Bear!

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-10 16:30:42 EDT
Rating: 1.92 on 146 ratings (146 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

You know those deals that you make, where you feel that sudden, painful anguish of regret mid-handshake? I tend to make those every other day. I loan my sister my car keys and know deep down that she’ll put her head through my brand new windshield; I give my little doggie a piece of bologna and know she’s be a filthy little grub for the rest of her days—and I loan my apartment to a friend and just know she’ll bring a guy who’ll ejaculate on my stuffed animals.

Women’s intuition is a bitch. Maybe I’ll listen to it someday.

Anyway, this horrible story begins with my friend named, Candy. I could use a pseudonym, but what could be more ridiculous than her real name. She tends to be the needy type. Not emotionally needy, as in, “oh, what is my life about, why can’t I find love, I’m so depressed, hold me!” but financially needy as in “could I borrow a toaster, I found some chocolate Pop Tarts behind Stop & Shop and I can’t get them warm enough between my thighs.” She has a job every other week and leaves it every other week because she’s lazy. Her parents could save her if they kicked her out of the house, but they’re too gullible. She talks of going back to school and makes all these grand predictions about her career and they buy it.

In my case, Mr. and Mrs. Jeans had the door locked and bolted when I came back from college. My mother hissed through the letterbox. “Go away! Get a job!”

I yelled back, “what about my stuff?”

She stuck a broom handle out the opening and jabbed it in the direction of a tarp on the driveway. “It’s under there.”

I looked at the strange pile lying undisturbed on the asphalt, then turned back. Unfortunately, she had already let the brass clang shut. As one final expression of her lunacy, she sent our little terrier to drive me off the property. He chirped at me for a few seconds—I chirped in response—then I picked him up and took him with me. My mother is still pissed about that.

Getting back to the story….Candy came to me one day and said she met a nice guy in town. She wanted to know if she could use the apartment for a date, since I had loaned it to her before. I said sure, but as I did so, I got a creepy feeling. I couldn’t place it, but it felt like a mix between a chill down my spine and a bladder infection. I let it go, though, and just decided to get some Tylenol and cranberry juice.

I spent that night at the movies and honestly can’t remember what I watched. Whatever it was, there was too much gore, because some kid ralphed into his super-saver tub o’ pop corn. I felt sad for him knowing he was embarrassed and how he wouldn’t be able to get a refill, but them I cheered up since it wasn’t me.

When I got back from the movie, Candy had already left and the apartment looked in good shape. I checked the fridge and noticed that some cake was missing and that a few bottles of beer were gone, but that was it. Feeling satisfied, I decided to call it a night and strolled into my bedroom. I went through the whole routine used to tear away my grime/war paint, slipped into my nightie and got under the covers. Sighing, I tucked my legs in and gazed over at my buddy, Sunshine Bear. I kept him on the bed for who knows how long—the last vestiges of my innocent youth. I was ready to give him a little thump on the nose and say goodnight but then I noticed something. He looked …he looked like he had sneezed.

I sat up and drew onto my knees. It did look like he sneezed. He had a snot rocket three inches long hanging down from his chin to his chest. Realization dawned on me in 4.2 seconds and I sprang out of bed as if it was covered in turbo Herpes. After shaking my head, I ran to the kitchen and got my dishwashing gloves. Huffing over Sunshine, I picked him up, regarded the offending mess, and walked arms extended to the laundry. Once there, I threw him unceremoniously into the washer, along with 3 cups my best Jizz remover (Tide if you must know).

After throwing the gloves away, I stormed into the living room, threw a coat over my nightie, slipped on some sneakers, and made for my prey. I was at her parent’s house in 10 minutes. A tricky feat, made easier when you ignore the rules of the road and any possible manslaughter charges you could accrue.

Candy was home already, with her shitty hatchback parked halfway on the driveway and halfway on the lawn. After getting to the lower window, I noticed she was still up, watching TV in the family room. I tapped on the window. She looked over, furrowed her brow—then smiled. I smiled back. I had to get in first before I could cut out her ovaries.

She opened the door and was halfway into a “hi” before I pushed her inside, throwing her against the grandfather clock.

“What are you doing,” she choked out.

“Cum…cum…” My fury was overpowering.

“Come where?”

“No, you…cum…Sunshine bear!”

She shook her head. I pushed her harder into the clock.

“Your date came on my Care Bear! Is that a way to treat a friend’s things? To let some six foot pile of jizz heave his load on Sunshine Bear!”

Her eyes widened and she looked up the landing to see if her parents were there. They weren’t and then she put her hands up as if to calm me. “Shhh…I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know!” I nearly ripped her arms off. “What the fuck are you talking about? Where the fuck were you when he was cumming on the bear? Were outside getting a smoke? Were you under the bed playing hide and seek?”

“Well, I.” She glanced again at the stairs. “You see it all happened so fast. Me and Brian we were making out and we went to the bedroom, you know, and, and it got pretty wild…”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, and well he didn’t have a condom, so I told him to pull out, and I, I, just assumed he was dried up.”

I let her go and sat down on the chair, rubbing my forehead. “Dried up.”

“Yeah well, I looked for it and it wasn’t on me, and I didn’t see it on the sheets or anything, so I figured he was just having a dry day.”

“You’re too stupid for words.”

I walked back out and drove home. I washed my little bear three more times but couldn’t bring myself to ever touch him again. He was dirty. His purity was lost. I boxed him up and put him in the back of my closet.

Poor Sunshine. His sun has finally set.











noway.jpg
noway.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by TigerLilly at 2016-04-05 21:44:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

,,,along with 3 cups my best Jizz remover (Tide if you must know).

good to know!

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2008-12-04 10:17:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Turbo Herpes" that shit NEVER gets old

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-09-05 14:54:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2007-02-18 03:14:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"You're too stupid for words" amused me greatly.

YE, GREATLY

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-01 11:00:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

this was the best post EVER on ubersite.



and I ruined it, singlehandedly.





if I could I'd do the @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ trick on it.





fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fckededdf

Submitted by ICO at 2005-08-17 15:27:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Banga3386 at 2005-08-16 02:29:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It was the turbo herpes and the no way file name and now i'm choking.

Banga

Submitted by Chinaski at 2005-08-15 14:30:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

perhaps we should fuck

Submitted by Badlands at 2005-08-15 14:23:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Loved this.

Submitted by mazellan at 2005-08-15 09:07:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Think of what that poor poor bear has seen, now he is stuck in the bottom of a box. Hahahaha, you should give him to a little child, then all the dirty thoughts he now has will transfer into their head. Haaaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaaa, let sunny bear go.

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-08-15 08:55:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Can't believe I didn't rate this the first time I read it.

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-08-14 16:00:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I sprang out of bed as if it was covered in turbo Herpes.
____________________

That's the worst kind. +2 for killing your dumbass leech friend.

Submitted by NocternalDragon at 2005-08-14 12:50:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by munkeypants at 2005-08-14 03:45:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by jack0173 at 2005-08-14 02:12:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-08-13 22:56:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HOly shit that's good.

Submitted by mxc_jwebber at 2005-08-13 03:00:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Can I have sex with you? Your creativeness might rub off on me.

Submitted by d_prime at 2005-08-13 00:20:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*tear*

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-12 22:02:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2005-08-12 21:22:20 (#)
Ranking: 2

Be advised to watch for signs of distress in Sunshine, common to victims of such haneous acts.

These include, but are not limited to:

Noticeable change in personality
Frequent crying
Dramatic weight loss or gain
Social withdrawal
Alcohol and/or other drug use
Odd behavior, peculiar speech
Deterioration in personal hygiene
Direct or indirect reference to suicide, preoccupation with death and morbid subjects generally
Frequent requests for attention, highly dependent behavior
Compulsive behaviors
Unruly, abusive behavior, on-going anger, vandalism
Listless, lethargic, "depressed" appearance
Promiscuous sexual behavior
Self-injurious behavior (e.g., cutting, burning, plucking out inner stuffing)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


HAHAHA, awesome!

Submitted by dethcow at 2005-08-12 21:26:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dexter-Brown at 2005-08-12 21:22:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Be advised to watch for signs of distress in Sunshine, common to victims of such haneous acts.

These include, but are not limited to:

Noticeable change in personality
Frequent crying
Dramatic weight loss or gain
Social withdrawal
Alcohol and/or other drug use
Odd behavior, peculiar speech
Deterioration in personal hygiene
Direct or indirect reference to suicide, preoccupation with death and morbid subjects generally
Frequent requests for attention, highly dependent behavior
Compulsive behaviors
Unruly, abusive behavior, on-going anger, vandalism
Listless, lethargic, "depressed" appearance
Promiscuous sexual behavior
Self-injurious behavior (e.g., cutting, burning, plucking out inner stuffing)

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-08-12 16:32:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-12 03:57:41 (#)
Ranking: 2

Where the fuck do you two get off telling other users how they should and shouldn't rate?
THAT's Bullshit.
--------------
If you notice, I never said how he SHOULD rate, I simply pointed that if Pentameter had posted this EXACT post, he would have +2'd it. Especially with the streak it had going. Never in a million years would he have come back and tossed a -2 for sport.

But I guess that's what this one gets for being a n00b.

Submitted by HippoRapist at 2005-08-12 14:12:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm the culprit

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-08-12 09:57:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle at 2005-08-12 07:37:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice to have you around! Sorry to roll out the welcome wagon late...I haven't been around here as much as I used to.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-12 05:23:26 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

NO FUCK THAT IM NO SHEEP.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-12 05:23:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

IM A FUCKING SHEEP?

yeah, probably.


Submitted by Spam at 2005-08-12 05:02:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-12 04:25:43 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-12 04:23:33 (#)
Ranking: 2

Pentameter (user info) 40 on 21 = 1.90

----------------------

I gave her a 0 once.


----------

I think it was an accident, however.

--
sheep.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-12 04:25:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-12 04:23:33 (#)
Ranking: 2

Pentameter (user info) 40 on 21 = 1.90

----------------------

I gave her a 0 once.


----------

I think it was an accident, however.


Submitted by Ainkara at 2005-08-12 04:25:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Poor sunshine bear.... I have mini care bears on my computer desk. Got them from McDonalds happy meals.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-12 04:24:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-08-11 10:19:22 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-11 05:00:46 (#)
Ranking: -2

NOw that I have read it, I'm going with the +0.

Too disjointed, too much contrived humor.

And OMG SEMEN.

so fucking what.
------------

this is how I start losing respect for certain authors

----------------------------------


I am soooooo happy you lose respect for people with opinions.

Go and fuck yourself.

The criticism was valid. ANd she still has a positive rating from me.


Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-12 04:23:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Pentameter (user info) 40 on 21 = 1.90

----------------------

I gave her a 0 once.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-08-12 03:57:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-08-11 12:35:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-11 10:35:10 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-11 05:00:46 (#)
Ranking: -2

NOw that I have read it, I'm going with the +0.

Too disjointed, too much contrived humor.

And OMG SEMEN.

so fucking what.
-----------------
If someone like Pentameter (for example) had written this, you'd be all over the +2 train, man.
---------
EXACTLY. It's bullshit.
---

Where the fuck do you two get off telling other users how they should and shouldn't rate?
THAT's Bullshit.

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-08-12 00:23:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You've got chops, Ally.

I don't really know what that means, but I'm pretty sure it's complimentary.

And by 'complimentary' I mean it's a compliment, rather than meaning it is free or goes well with something else.

Perhaps I just should have said, "I'm pretty sure it's a compliment."

Eye rite reel gud

Submitted by zakalwe at 2005-08-11 21:08:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is one of the most deservedly heated posts I've ever seen.

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-08-11 20:59:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Something more at the end, not necessarily action but may one more funny exchange.

Other that that Bravo. This is well written, paced well, entertaining, and a great approach to an Uber Post.

Stick around please.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-08-11 19:08:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yep yep

Submitted by Whiplash at 2005-08-11 15:04:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"ejaculate on my stuffed animals"
Let's date.

Submitted by Bigmike at 2005-08-11 13:40:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I didn't think this was that funny. Well written, but nothing special. Just my opinion.

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-08-11 12:35:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-11 10:35:10 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-11 05:00:46 (#)
Ranking: -2

NOw that I have read it, I'm going with the +0.

Too disjointed, too much contrived humor.

And OMG SEMEN.

so fucking what.
-----------------
If someone like Pentameter (for example) had written this, you'd be all over the +2 train, man.
---------
EXACTLY. It's bullshit.

Submitted by jumpinjellyfish at 2005-08-11 12:09:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Tide gets jizz out? Well, who knew...

Very funny post...thank you!

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-08-11 10:35:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-11 05:00:46 (#)
Ranking: -2

NOw that I have read it, I'm going with the +0.

Too disjointed, too much contrived humor.

And OMG SEMEN.

so fucking what.
-----------------
If someone like Pentameter (for example) had written this, you'd be all over the +2 train, man.

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-08-11 10:19:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-08-11 05:00:46 (#)
Ranking: -2

NOw that I have read it, I'm going with the +0.

Too disjointed, too much contrived humor.

And OMG SEMEN.

so fucking what.
------------

this is how I start losing respect for certain authors

Submitted by Mr-Boo at 2005-08-11 09:57:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I can't believe I forgot to say it...

B@W!!!

Submitted by CookieLass at 2005-08-11 09:57:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:15:44 (#)
Ranking: 0

Haha, ok. Since Rad and Darko were the first, i'll unleash my vengeance upon them. First, let me put on my pimp hat...bite on to that toothpick...and grab my cane.

Time for some playa hatin.'


...My dear Rad and Darko, what misery could I send your way that could equal the torment felt by your mothers when they realized tha you two were actually human, and not a pair of overly ambulatory afterbirth.

Let me start with rad--who goes by name completely at odds with his actual personae. The only thing that is rad about you, sir, is that you've been able to escape injury all these years without tripping on your own knuckle hair. Of course, I'm sure it's only a matter of time, though.

And speaking of names, there's the affable Darko. His name gives rise to thoughts of mystery and intrigue, when the only thing mysterious about this strange gentleman, is where he hides his masterbation sock. Even then I could probably venture a guess. I'd say next to his retainer, in a box of 1984 Topps baseball cards, between Rob Deer, and a malodorous Eddie Murray.

The End.


Haha, now that that is out of my system, I appreciate the honesty guys. It takes guts to go out on a limb and I respect that...especially for you, Darko. :)
-----------------
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA

Submitted by Mr-Boo at 2005-08-11 09:55:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Simply awesome! You are a truly gifted writer!!!

More please.

Submitted by RyuFu at 2005-08-11 08:55:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Whoa, you are an awesome author. You even found an alternative for the ever-overused "but I digress":

"Getting back to the story...."

Can I marry you?

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-08-11 08:29:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Every once in a while, a post comes along that actually makes you want more.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2005-08-11 08:19:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-11 05:59:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
...Thirdly, it's a bit of semen. Granted I wouldn't be chuffed if I went home tonight and my housemate had fucked his bird on my bed and covered the sheets in menstrual fluid, but at the end of the day it's only a bit of bodily fluid and not something to go apeshit about.
========================================================================

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Post was great, but comments like THIS made it gold!

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-08-11 08:12:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

shennanigans, we all know care bears swallow.

Submitted by swamp_donkey at 2005-08-11 07:39:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Whatever.



















I'll cum all over that hairy bitch.

Submitted by moneyshotforyou at 2005-08-11 07:37:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Everyone knows that Care Bears LOVE the moneyshot

Submitted by Marlboro_Man at 2005-08-11 07:33:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-11 06:15:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Haha, ok. Since Rad and Darko were the first, i'll unleash my vengeance upon them. First, let me put on my pimp hat...bite on to that toothpick...and grab my cane.

Time for some playa hatin.'


...My dear Rad and Darko, what misery could I send your way that could equal the torment felt by your mothers when they realized tha you two were actually human, and not a pair of overly ambulatory afterbirth.

Let me start with rad--who goes by name completely at odds with his actual personae. The only thing that is rad about you, sir, is that you've been able to escape injury all these years without tripping on your own knuckle hair. Of course, I'm sure it's only a matter of time, though.

And speaking of names, there's the affable Darko. His name gives rise to thoughts of mystery and intrigue, when the only thing mysterious about this strange gentleman, is where he hides his masterbation sock. Even then I could probably venture a guess. I'd say next to his retainer, in a box of 1984 Topps baseball cards, between Rob Deer, and a malodorous Eddie Murray.

The End.


Haha, now that that is out of my system, I appreciate the honesty guys. It takes guts to go out on a limb and I respect that...especially for you, Darko. :)

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-11 06:15:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

thats fucking weak blirko

Submitted by darko at 2005-08-11 06:14:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2005-08-11 06:11:48 (#)
Ranking: 2

I like you
-----------------
But the question is would you let her fuck you in the ass with a strap on, and if so would that make you bi?

Submitted by Zoidberg at 2005-08-11 06:11:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I like you

Submitted by Berty at 2005-08-11 05:59:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

'Kay.

Firstly, you lend your apartment (which is crazy bollocks in and of itself) to a mate for a date. What did you think they where going to do? Read poetry and talk about God?

Secondly, how old are you? Stop playing with cuddly toys you freak.

Thirdly, it's a bit of semen. Granted I wouldn't be chuffed if I went home tonight and my housemate had fucked his bird on my bed and covered the sheets in menstrual fluid, but at the end of the day it's only a bit of bodily fluid and not something to go apeshit about.

Funny story, made me laugh. You are a freak though.

Now dance freak, dance for me!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-11 05:00:46 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

NOw that I have read it, I'm going with the +0.

Too disjointed, too much contrived humor.

And OMG SEMEN.

so fucking what.


Submitted by Siren at 2005-08-11 04:56:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-08-11 04:35:56 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-10 16:57:40 (#)
Ranking: 2

User No. 19002.


There is hope.
--
ditto.

--------------------------
I'd be the first to say "ditto ditto," but THIS is the kind of user we should welcome. She seems to be grade A.

Submitted by Siren at 2005-08-11 04:48:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

'"...but financially needy as in "could I borrow a toaster, I found some chocolate Pop Tarts behind Stop & Shop and I can't get them warm enough between my thighs."'

Oh man... <much laughter>

I'd like to see you and Pentameter in an UM match up.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-08-11 04:35:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-10 16:57:40 (#)
Ranking: 2

User No. 19002.


There is hope.
--
ditto.

Submitted by Merlina at 2005-08-11 04:19:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Brilliant. I want to read more of your work now..

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2005-08-11 03:45:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I enjoyed this. Good stuff.

Submitted by Captain_Cool at 2005-08-11 03:38:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-11 03:15:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I agree

Submitted by darko at 2005-08-11 03:05:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

In all honesty this post felt like a +1 to me, and I'm going to go with my feelings on it instead of going with the herd. It was good, but not great. That said I wouldn't be shocked if this made B@W.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-08-11 02:57:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

not gonna happen.

Im going to come back and -2 this as soon as someone else does.

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2005-08-11 02:49:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Making a run at best ever, are we?

Submitted by kaos-king at 2005-08-11 02:27:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

There's nothing I can say here that hasn't already been said - Excellent work...

Submitted by joedaddy at 2005-08-11 00:43:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i should be very cross with you
i was about to leave this 'toilet' for good and BAM!, i read this......

thank you

<checksranking3times>

Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart at 2005-08-11 00:17:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Davros at 2005-08-10 23:03:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No Comment Needed.

-Dave

Submitted by Hairsphincter at 2005-08-10 22:35:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

19002

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2005-08-10 22:29:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Or MAYBE the bear had a cold. Duh.

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-08-10 22:08:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I almost ranked this a -2 by mistake, I just stopped in time.

Submitted by Saxon at 2005-08-10 22:04:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Thank god for something decent today. This was very funny.

Submitted by Herpes at 2005-08-10 21:52:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm all over that fucking bear.

GO ME WOO!

Submitted by fried-green-potatoes at 2005-08-10 21:52:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i feel better

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2005-08-10 21:24:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

wOOt!

Submitted by Dino at 2005-08-10 21:24:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Anansie at 2005-08-10 21:15:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh, that bastard.

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2005-08-10 21:14:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2+2

For EVERYTHING!

But mainly for using the word "accrue".

WOO vocab!

Submitted by zakalwe at 2005-08-10 21:02:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I only read this because of the high score. Glad I did.

Someone will be along to ruin it soon enough, don't worry.

Submitted by Wiggles at 2005-08-10 20:45:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wonder if I would get banned for giving this a +1.

I'm not really a noob, and I've got a good average rating, but I think Bart would still ban me.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-10 20:33:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

congrats on most heated without having an argument between the ubervets in the reviews.

and a pure 2.

B@W

Submitted by stardamage at 2005-08-10 20:30:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yes.

Submitted by ajanssen at 2005-08-10 20:28:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If only more noobs could be like you.

Submitted by sixxforty at 2005-08-10 20:02:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"but them I cheered up since it wasn't me"

Submitted by AlexorGM at 2005-08-10 20:01:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

effing hilarious

Submitted by sebcharrot at 2005-08-10 19:49:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahaha. You're right to lock him up. It starts with being ejaculated over. Next he'll be into skull-fucking and waterworks.

THE DIRTY BITCH!

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2005-08-10 19:44:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

RIP, Sunshine.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2005-08-10 19:44:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I read several of your earlier posts. You should consider writing
as a profession. I'll dispense with the humorous cliches and say
you have a rare talent. Submit to publishers everywhere.

Submitted by lordofthedance at 2005-08-10 19:42:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Solid.

Submitted by pantsarestupid at 2005-08-10 19:37:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Aww. Poor little guy.

Submitted by vexx at 2005-08-10 19:31:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

happy to add to the +2 streak

Submitted by Crystle at 2005-08-10 19:18:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

awesomeness

Submitted by nitty34 at 2005-08-10 19:15:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Simply Great

Submitted by NumLock at 2005-08-10 19:09:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It almost seems as though he had to 'aim' for the bear in order to hit it that accurately..

Submitted by williamson at 2005-08-10 19:08:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"No, you...cum...Sunshine bear!"

Submitted by FATMANTPK at 2005-08-10 18:18:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I was aiming for Teddy Ruxpin, sorry.

Submitted by Shroom at 2005-08-10 18:02:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.care-bears.com/CareBears/html/about/funshine.html
It's FUNSHINE Bear. My girlfriend loves the Care Bears... We've come to the conclusion that she's Grumpy Bear and I'm Funshine Bear. Thanks for letting my alter ego become a jizz target. Bitch.

Submitted by Confuzitron at 2005-08-10 17:54:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Damn. Look how quickly this has been climbing the best ever list. #24 last I checked.

Great job. I laughed too loudly at the "I sprang out of bed as if it was covered in turbo Herpes" line, and drew some ugly stares from co-workers. Hooray for slacking off at work!

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-08-10 17:51:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Wow. This was a great post. You're a funny writer.

Yay AllyJeans!

Submitted by spamtrap50 at 2005-08-10 17:47:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm going to have to try that out...

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-10 17:46:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-08-10 17:42:10 (#)
Ranking: 2

Nobody is the life of the party like a chick with a good sense of humor and a couple of stupid slutty friends.

Excellent writing, man.

__________________________________________________________

Haha, thanks, bro.


Submitted by goose at 2005-08-10 17:42:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nobody is the life of the party like a chick with a good sense of humor and a couple of stupid slutty friends.

Excellent writing, man.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-08-10 17:41:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

AAAHAHAHAHAHA what a dumb twat.

Submitted by Clawsss at 2005-08-10 17:40:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That's fucked up.

Submitted by Confuzitron at 2005-08-10 17:35:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I sprang out of bed as if it was covered in turbo Herpes"

HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-08-10 17:35:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2005-08-10 17:31:22 (#)
Ranking: 2

B@W? Or has Uber just been that dry for that long?
---
I agree.

Submitted by Girlwithaclue at 2005-08-10 17:33:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Future knowledge to all men.........

Don't cum on the stuffed animals!!!

That is all..

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-08-10 17:31:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W? Or has Uber just been that dry for that long?

Submitted by Envenom at 2005-08-10 17:31:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So which Care Bear CAN I cum on?

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-08-10 17:24:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Yeah well, I looked for it and it wasn't on me, and I didn't see it on the sheets or anything, so I figured he was just having a dry day."
------------------

hahahahahaha

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-08-10 17:21:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2005-08-10 17:02:18 (#)
Ranking: 2

I heard Cumstain Bears are selling like hot cakes on Ebay.
----------------
Only if the stain resembles Jesus or Mary.

Submitted by CookieLass at 2005-08-10 17:20:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh my god. I have hated all your posts till now.

This was brilliance, I tell you! BRILLIANCE!!

P.S.- I have a sunshine bear... he's jizz-free. I'd be glad to send him to you.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-08-10 17:19:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You and GLALL should have children...

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-08-10 17:17:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I found some chocolate Pop Tarts behind Stop & Shop and I can't get them warm enough between my thighs"
-----
Holy shit that was good. Keep it up for us in the 19000's. We need all the help we can get.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-08-10 17:15:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No words!



Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2005-08-10 17:08:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You had me at "I sprang out of bed as if it was covered in turbo Herpes."



*love*

Submitted by TheRef at 2005-08-10 17:04:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

holy shit!!! there are 19000 users now?

atleast some have talent

-705

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-08-10 17:04:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh you poor dear. Don't forget to box him up with Cheer Bear so he doesn't get lonely.






























What?

Submitted by Fungah at 2005-08-10 17:04:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

amusing

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-08-10 17:03:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fucking hilarious. and you write well too.

there is hope.

Submitted by lucid at 2005-08-10 17:02:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I heard Cumstain Bears are selling like hot cakes on Ebay.

Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky at 2005-08-10 17:00:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Turbo Herpes.





















yes.

Submitted by ajanssen at 2005-08-10 16:58:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ha, cocksnot.

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-08-10 16:57:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

User No. 19002.


There is hope.

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-08-10 16:56:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh dear God, THANK YOU. You, Ms. Jeans are single-handedly responsible for saving Ubersite.


Today anyway.

Thanks again.

Submitted by dodahdave at 2005-08-10 16:55:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Shit, this is funny.
You're a funny writer.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-10 16:55:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-08-10 16:48:49 (#)
Ranking: 2

Sorry. I was aiming for your pillow.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Hahaha. Needed a rimshot.

Submitted by GodChicken at 2005-08-10 16:54:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-08-10 16:48:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sorry. I was aiming for your pillow.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-08-10 16:48:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

they didn't nickname them 'firing range bears" for nothing.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-08-10 16:47:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-08-10 16:41:44 (#)
Ranking: 2

If a guy ejaculates onto a stuffed animal, he gets free pretzels for a year. It's the law. The guy was just trying to feed his kids for christ sake.
---------

its true - give the guy a break.

plus that sun in the middle of funshine bear's chest looks suspiciously like a target.

Submitted by PokeyPecker at 2005-08-10 16:42:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

MEAT SANDWICH!!

MEEEAAT SAAAAANNNDWIIIICH!!

Submitted by NotSteve at 2005-08-10 16:41:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I skimmed some of the rest of your shit, you're a good shit.

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2005-08-10 16:41:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If a guy ejaculates onto a stuffed animal, he gets free pretzels for a year. It's the law. The guy was just trying to feed his kids for christ sake.

Submitted by userpete86 at 2005-08-10 16:40:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm too tired to read the whole thing... I liked what I read though.

Submitted by NotSteve at 2005-08-10 16:39:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Needs more camwhore

Submitted by potatomanjack at 2005-08-10 16:38:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Excellent.

Submitted by Deidra at 2005-08-10 16:37:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hilarious!

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-08-10 16:35:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You're probably right, but that's what I called him since I was a kid. I also called orange juice "OJ on the planet" for a number of years. I'm all messed up. :)

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-08-10 16:35:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I read this, enjoyed it immensely, then skimmed your other posts.

You are extremly talented

Submitted by ruthless at 2005-08-10 16:33:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I believe that is Funshine Bear.


I couldn't very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store,
could I?

-- Homer Simpson
Life on the Fast Lane