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LOLJK! Porkman's *completely* homeless. Bitter and delusional, too, though.
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I'm not Mean...I Just Lack in the 'People Skills' Department

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-09-22 07:02:49 EDT
Rating: 1.83 on 29 ratings (29 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

If you are drunk, naked, dripping wet, I don’t know you and am trying to remove you from the premises, please don’t think for one second that I need a hug. I won’t appreciate it.

So, I’m walking by the switchboard office, and notice movement on the cameras. As I zoom in on the pool area I notice that 3 guys have decided sneak in and have a naked sausage party in one of the hot tubs. Usually this wouldn’t be my problem. Usually we have other staff on shift I can command about, but not tonight.

Sigh.

Off I trundle (um, yes…trundle) to the pool area, and by the noises I’m hearing I know I’ll be dealing with drunks. In some ways this sucks (like the guy who decided to piss all over himself in one of the stairwells a few weeks back), but in other ways it is absolute magic. You just have to know how to deal, and silly drunk people will believe anything. I pull my little emergency flashlight out of my pocket (we have lots of power outages here, and yes I’m paranoid), and holding it like a remote, point it at the fence.

“RIGHT THEN BOYS, PARTIES OVER. YOU’VE GOT 15 SECONDS TO GET YOUR ASSES OVER THAT FENCE BEFORE I SEND CURRENT TO IT…BEST HURRY- YOU’RE ALL WET AND THAT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE FOR YOU IF YOU GET ZAPPED”.

“Really?”

“WANT TO TEST IT?”

“No.”

“RIGHT THEN, …13, 12, 11….”

They thrash their way out of the hot tub, and 2 of the 3 run towards the fence. The 3rd (and obviously weakest link) stands there looking at me, and then starts to blubber on about ‘thank-you for letting me off so easily’. As he’s talking, he’s stumbling towards me and trying to give me a hug. I recoil in a mixture of fear and disgust, but try to remain composed.

Composure….composure…comp…c…oh fuck composure.

“Get the fuck away from me before I break my foot off in your ass”.

*Right, so there may have been a touch of unabridged hostility in my voice…just a touch…but other than that, I was completely composed*

“Sorry”.



Sigh. “Just go”.

He turns towards the fence, makes it a couple of steps, and falls on his face. Then I hear something….something that sounds like crying. He is crying.

“Are you okay?”

“Y-y-y-yes, I don’t want to get electrocuted” he sobs, floundering on the ground.

Good. Fucking. Grief.

I go inside, grab a towel to throw over him, and hoist him to his feet. Then I grab the stack of clothing that he and his friends had forgotten about and help him out the front door. He turns to me and tries to give back the towel.

“Um…you keep it”.

“Really?” he snivels.

“Really”.

I give him the armload of clothing and direct him out the door. He stops a few feet ahead, dresses, throws his friends’ clothes into the garbage, and stumbles away.

It’s REALLY cold tonight.



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Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-11 05:36:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

lol you are like a modern day hitler.

Submitted by EntityErased at 2006-04-07 04:31:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Deserves better rating.

+2

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2006-04-07 04:12:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahaha, I missed this one.

Submitted by Insanethemind at 2005-10-03 23:48:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have an uber crush on you Ducky.


Email me please, i miss hearing from you!

Submitted by Berty at 2005-09-30 11:35:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2005-09-30 11:29:07 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-22 07:11:02 (#)
Ranking: 2

You made a drunk person cry, isn't that some sort of sin?
-----------------------------------

The best kind.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're evil. I bet you throw rocks at kittens, campaign for single parents to be seperated from their children and abuse the feelings of emotionally insecure men.

Submitted by Siren at 2005-09-30 11:29:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-09-22 07:11:02 (#)
Ranking: 2

You made a drunk person cry, isn't that some sort of sin?
-----------------------------------

The best kind.

Submitted by Merlina at 2005-09-30 11:06:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hilarious

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-09-22 18:31:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hehehe

Submitted by Crystle at 2005-09-22 18:18:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

NICE

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2005-09-22 14:02:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by papaya_princess at 2005-09-22 12:51:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-09-22 12:01:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

People skills are overrated.

Submitted by Neener at 2005-09-22 12:00:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hehe you should have pointed and laughed while you were at it.

Submitted by sinna at 2005-09-22 11:17:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Holy shit, I feel sorry for this fucker. I can't stand seeing a grown man cry!

Submitted by jack11058 at 2005-09-22 11:02:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

nice one

Submitted by NotSteve at 2005-09-22 09:55:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sounds like he wanted tyou to ask him out. Needed more blood.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2005-09-22 09:37:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sausage party? I hope you had the pool cleaned.

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-09-22 09:36:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by leilani at 2005-09-22 09:24:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

funny!

Submitted by inbreakingnewsT.A.N. at 2005-09-22 09:16:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"RIGHT THEN BOYS, PARTIES OVER. YOU'VE GOT 15 SECONDS TO GET YOUR ASSES OVER THAT FENCE BEFORE I SEND CURRENT TO IT...BEST HURRY- YOU'RE ALL WET AND THAT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE FOR YOU IF YOU GET ZAPPED".

"Really?"

"WANT TO TEST IT?"

"No."

"RIGHT THEN, ...13, 12, 11...."

hil-fucking-larious.


Submitted by inbreakingnewsT.A.N. at 2005-09-22 09:14:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If i wasn't a girl, I'd do you.

Very. Fucking. Funny.

Good. Fucking. Grief.

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-09-22 09:04:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was hilarious.


Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2005-09-22 08:49:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

How old was this guy?

Submitted by miss_tila at 2005-09-22 08:45:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Barnymeinhoff at 2005-09-22 08:34:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Ha! should have beaten him like a ginger stepchild.

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2005-09-22 07:22:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

haha!

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-09-22 07:12:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I think it might be...I didn't mean to though I swear!

Submitted by Berty at 2005-09-22 07:11:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You made a drunk person cry, isn't that some sort of sin?

Submitted by Fabit at 2005-09-22 07:10:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WOW you're a hardcore tough Ducky. Good work that lady!


Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.

Pump Jockey:
It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.

Homer: Whew, I was afraid it was my transmission.

Homer's Triple Bypass