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Watch Your Mouth, Ladies or I'll Throw Some Piss in Your Drink

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-09-27 20:22:27 EDT
Rating: 1.86 on 47 ratings (48 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

You’re simply the best.
Better than all the rest.
Better than anyone,
Anyone I’ve ever met.

-Tina Turner





I don’t give out phony compliments. I can’t stand them. If someone thinks my dress makes me look like Whore # 7 in “Gang Bang Beauties,” I want to know. If John Doe thinks my latest perfume is less “Flowers of Italy” and more “Bum who Shit in the Sink,” I DEFINITELY want to know. I’d like to think others would want the same from me. Bear in mind, I’m no sadist; I don’t go out of my way to wreck someone’s day. I just respect people too much to bullshit them all the time.

You could ignore this for the sake of sparing someone’s feelings, but then you have to start remembering lies, and commit yourself to regurgitating meaningless platitudes until you feel faker than a twelve-cent dime. It’s a pain in the ass. What’s worse is that you inadvertently expose that poor person to embarrassment and eventual attack at the hands of the so-called: “Locker Room Gals”

Guys think they hold the copyright on humiliation and cruelty, but ask any school girl and she’ll share a few stories that could make you wince. Think back to the shower scene in “Carrie,” where she has her first period and all the girls laugh at her hysterics, throwing towels and taunting her with “Carrie’s got the curse! Carrie’s got the curse!” Well, that’s only a slight exaggeration. In real life, they wouldn’t have thrown the towels. Instead they would have took pictures and spit on her.

What’s amazing is that in the outside world these people can be as wholesome and complimentary as the flying nun. However, once your beyond those swiveling doors—knee deep in potpourri and surrounded by pink metal—all the truth comes out.

If some girl wears the same outfit twice in one week, she’s screwed. She might as well move. Becky Limptit will shove her head around a corner and tell you about it—adding that miss fashion mistake is a filthy piece of trash with shit under her fingernails. Did Wendy’s diary drop out of her purse? By 7th period each page will be photocopied and flung all around the school, almost certainly scarring her for life and possibly leading to a eating disorder (This actually happened to someone I knew back when I was in high school. The guys all had their theories on who did it. Most thought it was romper room reject and all around loser: Eddie G.. He was considered most likely to die from a head-butt. Nope, way off. . It was our valedictorian. At commencement, she gave a speech about seizing the future without holding on to the past .Great speech. Needed more pig blood.)

You’re probably asking why I bring all this up? Well, I actually ran into a pack of these bitches last night. Grown up, they have their bitterness hidden just under an exterior of one part mother, three parts cunt rag. I usually withhold such flowery descriptive terms, but they deserve it.

I was sitting at the bar with friends. We were getting over our Monday’s and discussing how much we hated the idea of braving the rest of the week—typical whiney, Pepsi generation bullshit. About halfway through our second round, a trio of ladies wandered in out of the rain and sat a few stools down from me. I ignored them and chatted it up with my friends until I heard a burst of laughter emanating from their direction. It was that annoying “guffaw” that isn’t fit for much except “Three Stooges” marathons and fart jokes. Since the TV was off and I couldn’t catch a whiff of anything, I grew interested in their conversation.

Turns out, they were making fun of a kid. From the description, I made out that it was a girl over by the far wall: a sweet little ten-year-old who was missing an arm. This went beyond the usual snide remarks about hair or clothing and to a completely new level of evil. Of course, they didn’t stop with one joke or two, but strung them together like a bad comedian at a celebrity roast. All that was missing were the rim shots and references to Bea Arthur’s dick. As they went on I started to get that “shut the fuck up look,” but it had no effect. Right when they were about to yell loud enough for the poor girl to hear, I tipped some of my drink on the loudest offender’s blouse.

“Oh, sorry.”

“Come on…this is brand new!”

I shrugged my apology and the nitwits stormed for the bathroom. Evidently, it took three of them to handle something of this magnitude. At that moment, I decided to get some cosmic justice. I went to Rick and handed him my glass.

“Piss in this!”

He looked at me like I had just asked him to do some quadratic equations.

“Are you serious?”

“Just do it. I can’t aim!” He had been listening to the obnoxious gaggle and could figure out why I needed it. Still, he had never pissed while sitting on a barstool—at least intentionally, anyway.

He took a breath. “Look away.”

My friends started laughing. Rick is the kind of guy who will do anything just for bragging rights. I thought I crossed a line with my request, but he was a gamer and a go to guy. The non-urinators looked toward the bathroom for cover while I looked at the crazy junk on the walls…you know, trumpets and bicycle rims, beer signs from the 50s…It’s set up like that goofy place with the mozzarella sticks. I can’t remember the name of it.

Anyway, when Rick finally started to tinkle, rattling the swizzle stick like a cheap noisemaker, we lost it. Pissing in public is right up there in the easy humor department. Rick was shaking from laughter and getting upset. “Come on you’re going to make me spill.” When he finished shaking (the other kind), I grabbed the glass out of his hand and held it with a ring-stained napkin.

Benny (another friend) shouted from a couple stools down.

“Ten bucks if you stick your finger in it.”

“Fuck off, Ben.”

With another glance at the bathroom, I drifted to the three lonesome Appletinis on my left. Being careful not to add enough to make it obvious, I dripped a few drops in each glass. I felt like a chemist. Too much and I’d probably end up in a fight, too little and I’d get boos from the peanut gallery. Satisfied with my measurements I looked over and got a thumbs up from everyone. Good sign. Then I slid over to my seat, reached over the bar, and dumped the remainder of my cocktail down the sink. The bartender had been flirting with a brunette in the corner and never saw it.

The girls returned a few minutes later. The one I defaced gave me a dirty look, and I apologized again. “Oh it’s no big deal,” she lied, sitting down and turning her back to me. Waiting like golf spectators, we held our breath. Then they began drinking. We almost split open trying to contain ourselves. Benny said he had to get a smoke, and we all quickly jumped up to join him. Outside, we did split open. The rain poured on us but we didn’t care. We stared through the plate-glass window, making jokes and ignoring our collective pneumonia. After five minutes, we got it together and went back in. It was still impossible to look at them without snorting, but if we stared at our shoes, we were OK. We passed the time talking in code, saying things like, “Golden showers bring May flowers” and “Pee soup would really hit the spot.”

You had to be there. In the moment, these jokes were beyond reproach.

We left about an hour later. The girls were still there, sucking down another round of drinks. Unfortunately we were running out of material. In the parking lot, my friends voted to make me an award, eventually deciding on a gold-plated urinal cake. Honestly, I don’t do it for the awards. I do it for the love of the game.









appletini.jpg
appletini.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by Loren at 2015-02-15 12:42:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ally, I don't know who you have to sleep with to become a writer for SNL, (just a crappy example) but you need to start buying a tub-load of KY-jelly and get proactive about it.
You should not be an accountant. You should be writing, and making the rest of the world pee in their pants laughing.

Why am I suddenly humming Barry Manilo?

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2015-02-14 23:28:16 EST (#)

Submitted by Loren1 at 2015-02-14 13:03:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Rick is the kind of guy who will do anything just for bragging rights"
I hope you married this guy.

Ally, you're the only poster that I won't go all Grammar Nazi on. And it's because I am a flat-out sucker for your posts.

=============
^5

Submitted by Loren at 2015-02-14 13:03:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Rick is the kind of guy who will do anything just for bragging rights"
I hope you married this guy.

Ally, you're the only poster that I won't go all Grammar Nazi on. And it's because I am a flat-out sucker for your posts.

Submitted by Psygns_of_the_Tymes at 2010-09-04 07:23:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Excellent read.

Even better by hidden101's comment below.

Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-09-04 06:42:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I believe that in this instance your reaction was disproportionate to the offence. This was still well written and invoked an emotional response therefore, 2.

Submitted by hidden101 at 2007-09-05 16:07:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

sweet.


speaking of pee, i have a hot date tonight and i'm going to see if i can get her to pee on me when we go back to my place after dinner and drinks.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-09-05 15:17:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2006-02-01 19:15:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"references to Bea Arthur's dick"

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah. That took me totally unawares.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-02-01 19:05:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

so, it's a wee-tini, right?

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-01 11:48:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

too bad ya didn't save some of the piss to respill on her shirt... anyway awesome. just fucking awesome.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-01 11:19:48 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-12-01 11:14:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

I think your reference to that place that Farva likes to eat at is a cue to what this story really is:

SHENANIGANS!


-------------------------------------------------------------

HAHAHA, 37 fucking reviews before someone commented on that.

Let me go give you a plus 2!

Submitted by boomslang at 2005-12-01 11:14:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think your reference to that place that Farva likes to eat at is a cue to what this story really is:

SHENANIGANS!

Submitted by leilani at 2005-12-01 11:04:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

yes!!

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-10-29 20:56:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-10-29 20:14:43 (#)
Ranking: 0

A 10-year-old girl in a bar? You, sir, are a liar.

__________

My fault for not being more specfic. This was an "Unos" type establishment. The kid was at a table with his folks--right next to the bar.

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-10-29 20:17:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Ten bucks if you stick your finger in it."

Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky at 2005-10-29 20:15:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you hear that gents? she does it for the love of the game.


wow. by any chance, you single?

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-10-29 20:14:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

A 10-year-old girl in a bar? You, sir, are a liar.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-10-29 20:05:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is pretty well written...almost a Dave Barry-ish quality.

Are you "thin" with a fairly substantial rack by any chance?

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-09-29 20:06:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are definitely someone I'd be proud to know in real life. Feel honored! There's only like, ten of you.

What? I hate people.

Submitted by jumpinjellyfish at 2005-09-28 13:56:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You have acted while others only dream. Your mother should be so proud!

Submitted by Grownasskid at 2005-09-28 13:24:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this is the kind of stuff that makes me drink from sippie cups only

Submitted by Pentameter at 2005-09-28 12:35:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sideshow at 2005-09-28 12:19:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice. More dumb bitches need to get this treatment. And for making fun of a little kid missing an arm? That is just hateful.

Submitted by ruthless at 2005-09-28 11:56:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice.

Submitted by goose at 2005-09-28 09:09:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-09-28 04:15:42 (#)
Ranking: 2

Holy fucking yes.

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-09-28 09:07:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Reminds me of R. Kelly.

Submitted by ajanssen at 2005-09-28 08:50:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I want to do you.

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2005-09-28 08:36:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well,

What can I say, I liked it, a bit long, but I guess it had to be.

The title would have sufficed for me.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-09-28 08:34:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-09-28 06:13:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Golden! Literally.

Have a plus 2 for a good story and your obvious love of toilet humour. If there's a bad fart or piss joke, I haven't heard it.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-09-28 05:52:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Bear in mind, I'm no sadist; I don't go out of my way to wreck someone's day. I just respect people too much to bullshit them all the time.
----------
An alternative to the whole "I'm not a racist but..." opener. Stories like these are either true or the author really wants them to be true. In any case it makes you think. Well, it makes me think anyway.

The story was generic, not bad, just generic. I feel like I've read it before. That's ok though, you've got scars, laydeee, stuffs happened that you didn't like and you're hinting at all of it here but you don't want to go into it yet. We eat that sort of stuff up here, chop a chunk off yourself and serve it up and we'll wolf it down. It's the meat and bones of Ubersite.

I'm looking forward to the main course, I'm sure it'll be delicious and well presented.

Submitted by Barnymeinhoff at 2005-09-28 05:33:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Launch an attack!

Submitted by DeathJester at 2005-09-28 05:08:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Now now, two wrongs don't make a right.

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-09-28 04:15:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Holy fucking yes.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-09-28 03:41:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this happened to me once.

Submitted by AJ at 2005-09-28 00:15:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm glad there's someone in the last nine or ten thousand new users that doesn't suck.

This may be right up your alley (no pun intended) along the whole faux compliment lines.

http://www.ubersite.com/m/63715

Submitted by WellFedEthiopian at 2005-09-27 23:29:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are my new idol.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-09-27 23:28:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2005-09-27 23:22:46 (#)
Ranking: 2

What was a one armed 10 year old doing in a bar?

_______________________________________________________

It was a family restaurant, the likes of Chilli's, TGIF, Outback...etc. with a bar smack dab in the middle.


Submitted by MrWillard at 2005-09-27 23:22:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What was a one armed 10 year old doing in a bar?

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-09-27 23:18:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-09-27 23:11:20 (#)
Ranking: 2

PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP!

_________________________________________________________

HAHAHA. Thank you

Submitted by Circe at 2005-09-27 23:11:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP! PLUG IT UP!


Submitted by knucklesnelson at 2005-09-27 22:51:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-09-27 22:10:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

No fucking shit:

I love you.

You're my faaaaaaavorite.

Submitted by ghola at 2005-09-27 21:53:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this made me emphatically happy.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2005-09-27 21:00:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You sound like you're a 'Good Heather', and I mean that as a compliment.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2005-09-27 20:48:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A well-deserved whiz cocktail. . .

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-09-27 20:42:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wish you posted more...but I think I've made that comment before.

Good on you for your actions.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2005-09-27 20:35:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome beyond belief.

Guys don't bully that much I tend to see because they just don't care.


Bart: What religion are you?

Homer: You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't
work out in real life, uh, Christianity.

Homerpalooza