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Building a Hampster out of a Dead Squirrel

Submitted by j0andre1 at 2005-10-17 19:04:55 EDT
Rating: 1.9 on 112 ratings (112 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

When I was young I thought I could to anything.

Fly, beat up people much bigger than me, create life, etc.

At the age of 4 I learned that I actually couldn't create life.

I grew up in a house that bordered a wooded area in which many animals of the kingdom of Michigan would frollic and make babies. All this work had them running all over town. Being animals as they were, they decided the law about jaywalking didn't apply to them. This caused them to often get run over in front of my house.

My family had moved into the neighborhood about a week prior to me meeting my best friend, who happened to have a hampster, I think "Goldie" was its name. Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder. We learned a valuable lesson that day about death... and gravity.

We decided instead of having to go through the hassel of going to the pet store and finding a new "production line" hampster, we would construct one out of a dead squirrel that was rotting in the street.

Then we would simply electrocute it until it came to life, like they did in the movies.

It would be a custon made hampster, named... Hammy.

I'd had my eye on a squirrel at the end of the block that hadn't gotten to the maggot stage yet, which made it an excellent specimen. We picked it up by the tail and took it to my dad's workbench. The first step was to beat it with a hammer, then we would seperate the different colors.

Kyle slammed the hammer down with full force. I saw a drop of blood appear on the window. I looked down at the squirrel. Oops, I guess it HAD had entered the maggot stage.

We started pulling the squirrel apart and separating the colors. I can vividly remember the smell to this day. It smelled like when my would rub its ear on a dead animal and then lick my face.

Once we had things organized we started putting together the pieces. The squrrel's nose was the hampster's head and we poked little holes in it for eyes.

For the rest of it we just cut off a piece of skin and wrapped a bunch of organs and bones inside. It was pretty unorganized in there but once we ran electricity into it it would all straighten itself out. This was going to be the coolest hampster ever.

We brought the new hampster into the garage and began to wonder how we would electrocute it.

"Shit!" Kyle said.

"What?"

"We never gave it any arms!" he was right.

I grabbed some twigs and actually managed to prop the thing good 3 feet in the air. It was pretty disturbing looking, thinking back on it.

Finally, we came to the conclusion that the best way to electrocute the thing was to break a lightbulb and stick the socket on the hampster's nose. I knew from experience, this would indeed electrocute Hammy.

We balanced a broken lightbulb socket and a soon to be hamster on top of 4 twigs. It looked kind of like a teepee, only with roadkill at the top.

This was going to have to involve some spirituality though. We were going to need Indian clothes and and some drums. We put on our Halloween costumes and sat next to the Teepee Of Life.

Then, we plugged it in. The drum beat started slow... with building intensity.

Nothing was happening.

After a minute or so we saw a little stream of smoke begin to rise.

We started screaming like the Indians do. "WAAAAYYYOOOOOHHH SHAMA SHAMA YYYAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOO!!!"

My parents had been sitting across the street making friends with the new neighborhood, and kind of keeping an eye on us. Now, the group was slowly making its way over.

The drums grew louder and faster as more smoke started pouring out of all Hammy the Hampster's orifices. The time was coming soon.

We were screaming at the top of our lungs now, and basically flipping out like head cases.

Kyle was jumping up and down and I was stomping my foot.

I felt a sharp pain on my shoulder and I screamed like a little girl... probably.

My dad was looking at the Teepee of Life, "What... the ... fuck..."

That was the first time I heard him drop the f-bomb.

Hammy then burst into flames and as the air escaped from from one of the gas sacks that had been rotting in the sun, it made a high-pitched scream.

I thrust my fists in the air, "IT'S ALIVE!"




eyegor.jpg
eyegor.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by shadow at 2008-05-22 15:38:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

mother of god...

Submitted by spyder882001 at 2008-04-28 20:34:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I did something similar to a frog

Submitted by Gravity_Purple at 2008-01-14 03:48:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2007-12-04 18:15:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hahahaahhaha

Submitted by Ballare at 2007-10-16 23:38:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by kuroneko_sama at 2007-10-16 22:53:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

still my most favorite post ever



















....ever


Submitted by combatwombat at 2006-11-22 16:14:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was, by far, the most disturbing and hilarious thing I've ever read.

Submitted by Lianne260987 at 2006-08-15 08:31:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

That is absolutely discusting!

Submitted by Hypatia86 at 2006-05-19 12:25:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sick, but cool, very cool. Reminds me of shit I did as a kid...

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2006-03-07 01:28:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good lord, how did I ever miss this post?!

Submitted by Axolotl at 2006-03-06 13:39:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-03-06 13:24:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I read this ages ago before I registered. I come now to give it the rating it deserves.

Submitted by ripple at 2006-01-05 08:56:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

this post was the reason i joined uber.

it is the most awesome thing i have ever read.

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-12-30 10:00:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The moron who gave this a minus 2 should be castrated.

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-30 09:53:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is why I hope I have at least 1 boy. The entertainment alone will be worth the many hours of childbirth.

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-12-30 09:40:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Best Post Ever.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-12-30 09:27:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2005-12-01 08:35:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That just got better and better.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-11-30 13:40:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

still funny

Submitted by Avals at 2005-11-03 08:36:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I hope to God this didn't really fucking happen.
If it did, please stay the fuck away from me, you weirdo.

Submitted by BurnTheHobo at 2005-10-31 12:41:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2005-10-31 07:13:19 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I thought this was pretty average.

Submitted by Loren at 2005-10-28 15:49:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Great story.

Submitted by the_grendel at 2005-10-28 09:14:52 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

disturbing

Submitted by Fabit at 2005-10-26 07:18:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahahahaha brilliant

Submitted by GaidinCanuck at 2005-10-25 01:29:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by malefic at 2005-10-25 01:17:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

inspiring.

Submitted by Julie21 at 2005-10-24 04:52:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Marry Me.

Submitted by Pentameter at 2005-10-23 11:20:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Viciousriffs at 2005-10-22 02:44:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck yes, this was VERY good.

Submitted by Serious_Melvin at 2005-10-21 20:39:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by britblogger at 2005-10-21 13:03:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"WAAAAYYYOOOOOHHH SHAMA SHAMA YYYAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOO!!!"

love the shama shama - hilarious story.

Submitted by nightshade at 2005-10-20 22:15:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Totally awesomecore.

Submitted by Skippy at 2005-10-20 20:45:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Very very funny, best i have seen on here in a long time.

Submitted by Yes at 2005-10-20 16:19:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

holy crap.

Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky at 2005-10-20 10:56:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

alright.

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-10-20 07:16:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

woooo b@w

Submitted by emxel at 2005-10-20 04:47:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Magnificent railery mmmyeahh!!!

Submitted by tyebud at 2005-10-20 04:28:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahahaha... what.... the... fuck....

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-10-20 03:37:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

AAAAAAAAAHAHHAA. My eyes are watering.

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2005-10-20 00:54:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahahahah.

Submitted by Sterculius at 2005-10-19 22:58:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Of course it's highly entertaining in retrospect, but these days those kids would instantly win a trip to the shrink.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2005-10-19 18:20:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W indeed!

Submitted by TheSunGod at 2005-10-19 17:38:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by fuckstick at 2005-10-19 17:28:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2005-10-19 17:23:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So you made soup out of it, right?

Submitted by FallenZer0 at 2005-10-19 17:22:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by j0andre1 at 2005-10-19 13:18:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-19 12:42:28 (#)
Ranking: 2

HAHA, we did it! I read it!

I was right!

B@W.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO








...now you ow me a lollipop or something.

_______________________________________________________________________________


Ok fine... but this is the last lollipop I mail to someone on the internet.

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-10-19 12:42:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HAHA, we did it! I read it!

I was right!

B@W.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO








...now you ow me a lollipop or something.

Submitted by aregularmess at 2005-10-19 12:19:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

the only way this story could have been any better is if you guys wore bras on your heads.
top drawer!

Submitted by Mr.Jid at 2005-10-19 11:54:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Best thing I've read in a long, long time.

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2005-10-19 11:26:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

!

Submitted by precision at 2005-10-19 11:19:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by HadToBeDone at 2005-10-19 11:04:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for everyone because I just won an xbox 360

Submitted by RyuFu at 2005-10-19 10:59:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ohh....my god.

Submitted by Cam at 2005-10-19 09:42:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i read this 10 minutes ago and i'm still laughing.....

Submitted by Method at 2005-10-19 07:02:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

excellent

Submitted by Blinkish at 2005-10-19 02:37:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm suddenly terrified I have a boy. Great post!

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2005-10-19 02:20:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-18 21:37:47 (#)
Ranking: 2

everyone is laughing their asses off and i still haven't gotten the chance to read it.

Why isn't this on B@W already?
_
It is.

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-10-18 21:37:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

everyone is laughing their asses off and i still haven't gotten the chance to read it.

Why isn't this on B@W already?

Submitted by sambo13 at 2005-10-18 21:17:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed for 10 minutes straight. Good job.

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-10-18 18:19:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Top Stuff

Submitted by TragicKingdom at 2005-10-18 18:03:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

LMAO, awesome story. I hope that it was true.

Submitted by mikethescottish at 2005-10-18 17:51:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Rather awesome. Haven't laughed like that in quite a while.

Submitted by punkerrjess at 2005-10-18 17:34:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed so hard I drooled all over a report I was supposed to give to my boss. Oh man I wish more posts were like this one, it would make my Tuesdays so much better.

Submitted by runswithscissors at 2005-10-18 17:15:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

All kinds of awesome!

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2005-10-18 14:26:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-10-18 12:14:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I had a skinned frog preserved in alcohol in a jar in my room for a while, maybe that would've burned better.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-10-18 11:59:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is awesome. I mean Arby's chicken awesome.

What I'm basically saying is that you are the new messiah.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-10-18 11:49:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you had me at the title

Submitted by j0andre1 at 2005-10-18 11:37:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Marty Feldman?

Is that who played Eyegor?

Submitted by HadToBeDone at 2005-10-18 11:30:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Marty Feldman.

Submitted by EatMeCompletely at 2005-10-18 11:11:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Which is justification for eleventy billion +2's.

Submitted by EatMeCompletely at 2005-10-18 11:11:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are like way more disturbed than me.

Submitted by AshK at 2005-10-18 11:04:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Best thing I've read all week.

Maybe all month.


Submitted by RamJetMax at 2005-10-18 09:47:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder."

Awesome.

Submitted by Awko at 2005-10-18 09:01:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2005-10-18 07:47:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

heat

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2005-10-18 07:47:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

more

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2005-10-18 07:47:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder."

Nice!

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2005-10-18 07:47:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

needs

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2005-10-18 07:47:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Needs WAY more heat (although it did make my eye twitch every time I read 'hampster')

Excellent post

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-10-18 07:31:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Solid. Fucking. Gold. +2.

This also reminded me of a similar occasion in my childhood, which I shall post at a later date.

Submitted by Merlina at 2005-10-18 04:55:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome

Submitted by sinna at 2005-10-18 04:27:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fantastic.

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2005-10-17 21:41:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I ain't got no body,
and no body cares,
ah-bah-dah-dah-dah-dah-DAH!"

Submitted by Hookhand at 2005-10-17 20:17:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

NEAT!

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-10-17 20:09:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

nice

Submitted by internetslacker at 2005-10-17 20:08:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Classic. Poor squirrel, though. Ah well, birth, death, being electrocuted in a garage...the Circle Of Life goes on.

Submitted by PokeyPecker at 2005-10-17 20:02:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well done.

All young boys are the same;

http://www.ubersite.com/m/76762

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-10-17 19:58:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:57:26 (#)
Ranking: 2

Again, I apologize. This deserves a streak of +2's. I'm submitting this to B@W.

____________________________________________

HIZZAH!!! you are forgiven.

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-10-17 19:57:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-10-17 19:54:51 (#)
Ranking: 2

you better be sorry, roxxorz. this man is going to the top

________________________________________________

i'm stealing lines out of my own fiction, now. I need an enema.

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2005-10-17 19:57:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Again, I apologize. This deserves a streak of +2's. I'm submitting this to B@W.

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-10-17 19:54:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you better be sorry, roxxorz. this man is going to the top

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2005-10-17 19:52:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Shit shit shit shit shit. I'm so so so sorry. I meant that to be a +2. Bart, if you read this, could you get rid of that 0?

Submitted by peternorth at 2005-10-17 19:46:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Death, violence, something really disturbing... +2 almost automatic

Submitted by SkinnyKenny at 2005-10-17 19:38:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This is AWESOME!!!

Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart at 2005-10-17 19:36:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Really good. Spell check next time though.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-10-17 19:35:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder."

Phrases like that make me thank god sometimes there is this twisted thing called uber.

Submitted by lucid at 2005-10-17 19:34:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sick, twisted and charming all at the same time. Kinda like dessert you find in the trash.

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-10-17 19:32:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahaha, it better not suck; my rep is on the line.

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-10-17 19:31:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

just submitted to B@W


Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2005-10-17 19:31:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I just can't give this enough +2s. Fucking beautiful.

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2005-10-17 19:31:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

"Like most hamsters do, it died when we dropped a dictionary on it from the top of a ladder. We learned a valuable lesson that day about death... and gravity."








BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA this was hysterical.

Submitted by Inmate867428 at 2005-10-17 19:28:08 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hilarious

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-10-17 19:27:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i refuse to read this until it makes bored at work

Submitted by starshine at 2005-10-17 19:26:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

-10 for mispelling Hamster

+1000000 for Michigan

marry me?

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2005-10-17 19:25:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Submitted by ghola at 2005-10-17 19:24:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-10-17 19:22:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WHERE ARE THE REVIEWS?!?!

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEE THIS AWESOME TITLE?!?!?!

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-10-17 19:15:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i don't even need to read it. the title was enough.

Submitted by Dante_Alighieri at 2005-10-17 19:08:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Brilliant. Simply fucking brilliant.


Pfft. Now you tell me.

-- Homer Simpson, finding out that working at a nuclear
plant can make one sterile
I Married Marge