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Appreciation...

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-10-20 05:25:57 EDT
Rating: 2.0 on 18 ratings (18 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

The other day, I walk into ‘my’ coffee shop. The lunch rush is in full swing, and there are no empty tables. As I scan around, I see an older lady sitting by herself. I’ve never seen her before, and despite her borderline homeless appearance, I decide to take a chance on her and ask if I can join. As soon as she welcomes me to sit, I feel I’ve made a grave error. As I take a seat, the first thing I notice is her breath. Gone are the wonderful smells of homemade soups and sandwiches, to be quickly replaced with her stink. I don’t even think ‘halitosis’ covers it. It was more ‘I just ate the asshole out of a dead skunk’. After muffled gagging, I exchange pleasantries with her and make a mental note that I will never sit with another borderline homeless looking stranger again.

Then something on her moves. And again, more so this time.

As I’m preparing to watch something burst from her ribcage ala Alien, I see a small head protrude from the chest pocket on her shirt. Jumping out of my seat, disgusted, she calmly waves for me to sit and tells me that ‘Yammers’ won’t bite. Nice. Fucking. Name. What is a Yammers? Let me tell you. A Yammers is a large, scruffy, black-plague looking rat…not to be confused with the nicely groomed pet-store version. This is the type of rat that you would hit 50 times with a large cast iron frying pan (just to make sure), should it ever happen to make its way out of its respective sewer and decide to crawl within 20 feet of you.

I decide not to order food.

After downing my coffee and making small talk, I thank her for letting me join her and rise to leave. She looks perplexed. She grabs my arm, gives me a slow and steady look, and thanks me for the conversation. I can see sadness in her eyes. It’s clear to me that this woman has no one. She has nobody to confide in, whether she’s happy or maybe just having a shit day (not like Yammers-just-shit-in-my-pocket shit, but just a really bad day…although if some manky rat took a crap in my pocket, that- for me anyways- would qualify).

The point of all this? I don’t think I could be any more fortunate to have the friends that I do. The women in my life are some of the strongest, most intelligent and beautiful people on the face of this earth, and I feel completely fucking blessed that they’ve chosen to let me share in their lives.

The last time I went through something rough, I was nothing short of amazed at how my friends rallied around me...and my best friend in particular. This is a girl who will laugh at me when I’m sick with bronchitis and coughing like a harbor seal. She has lovingly nicknamed me Fuckhead. She reminds me that I’m lucky she’ll be seen with me when I decide to wear a skirt over jeans out of the house, and she tells me I dance like Ellen Degenerate (that bitch). Between us though, she’s the nice one, and when I need her …when it really comes down to it, she’s at my door with nothing but concern. Every. Fucking. Time. I can’t thank her enough.

Many of us have moved cities over the years, and I’ve always tried to keep negative shit to myself for the most part. I remember one point though, after a death in the family, sitting alone at work at four in the morning and crying like a child. I sent an email off to an old friend in Taiwan…she’s been gone for 2 years and man do I miss her…and when I got home from work that day I had messages on my answering machine from her, as well as from people I hadn’t spoken to in months from Waterloo, Edmonton, Cranbrook, and Seattle. What a wonderful, tight-knit, and fast moving network. They are so lovely.

I’m also fortunate to have a very large, and very close family. Despite that most of them are complete loons, I love them…and my aunts in particular. Some collect vases and scarves. Some get bored and decide to marry themselves. Some are highly medicated. To give you an idea, on one occasion I had the following transaction with my aunt:

*we’re sitting in her living room, watching television in silence. She spontaneously leaps onto the coffee table on all fours, rips her shirt off, and demands to see a mirror*

Ducky: Umm….why? What the hell are you doing?

Aunt: Damnit girl…just grab me a mirror!!!!

Ducky: God you’re weird. *gets up and grabs mirror out of bathroom*

Aunt: Well hurry up girl! I haven’t got all day! *takes mirror and places it underneath her on said coffee table*

Ducky: …*tries to ignore strangeness and turns attention back to television*

Aunt: WHAT THE FUCK???!!!! My tits look like THAT when I’m fucking????!!!!!

Ducky: I have to go.

They are workers, artists, family, and above all friends. I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world, and I would do anything for them. I really am lucky...and it took me sitting with some lonely old woman to really appreciate it.



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Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2006-04-07 04:16:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yammers? wtf... every town has to have one...

Submitted by jumpinjellyfish at 2005-11-03 11:38:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nice post. The rat in the restaurant is a disturbing thought.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2005-10-22 18:14:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

note to Neener: I know Chen Tai Chi and have an elaborate network of heavily fortified caves in my backyard up on a little hill only accessible by mule - and you'll need a guide, prolly local..

I'm also going to be away for the next few weeks, maybe even indefinitely, as of... when's your plane get here again?

Submitted by Neener at 2005-10-22 15:53:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I said that you dance like a gay man not Ellen... +2 because you said such nice things about me, and because you are finally realizing that skirt over jeans is wrong.
Note to Danger Ranger...my flight to Austrailia leaves tomorrow.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2005-10-20 17:10:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Thorpe and Williamson are homeless. I don't know if they have a rat, but I bet they've got a rodent, and Thorpe keeps a turtle in a pokey, poorly maintained tank and god knows what the...they..... oh... you said 'homeless'.... I thought you said hom... doesn't matter..... ever since I did that speed-reading course I've noticed that I've begun to misinterperet a lot of stuff... which would account for me always being in the 'ladies' looking perplexed and wondering where the fuck the urinal is... nice post.

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2005-10-20 13:05:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

quaint.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-10-20 09:42:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I sat with a homeless guy last time I went to a bar.

He was selling flowers to passers by, so I helped. He didn't have a plague-carrying rat on him though.

Submitted by Beer_bong at 2005-10-20 09:10:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Jesus H Christ, Berty.



You just ruined lesbians for me.




And gave me a headache.




Asshole

Submitted by Circe at 2005-10-20 09:06:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-10-20 05:53:22 (#)
Ranking: 2

It's just something she does to encourage her mates to disrobe her and wriggle about in her undercrackers.

"Oh Ducky, what are you wearing? lets get you out of those ridiculous clothes right now before someonw sees"

"but I'm so terribly, terribly, shy oh nubile female friend."

"well I'll tell you what, I'll take of my clothes with you so then you won't be embarrassed"

*giggle* "ok then"

Then they invite all their mates over, fuck one another in a frenzied manner untill the carpet is literally sodden with laydeeee goo. Then they all get into french maid outfits and clean it all up and order pizza so as to seduce the 16 year old asian delivery boy, thus rendering him impure and saving him from an arranged marriage.
__________

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Berty.

Berty thinks far too much.

Submitted by FartSmeller at 2005-10-20 08:51:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The Japanese started the jeans-over-skirt thing, so you know. Everyone talks about how great their fashion is now that Gwen Stefani mispronounced Harajuku in one of her songs, but the Japs are fucking terrible with cloth.

Submitted by ess-arr at 2005-10-20 08:45:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

She reminds me that I'm lucky she'll be seen with me when I decide to wear a skirt over jeans out of the house
---------------
this is seriously one of the worst inventions or 'styles known to MAN.

First, Skirts are good for reasons of leg.
second, nice pair of tight jeans are good for reason of ass.

shirts + jeans are bad for reasons of skirt covers ass and jeans cover legs.

It seems shallow but I just wanted you ladies to know what guys are really thinking... BOOO-urns.

+2 cause I like you though...


Submitted by Berty at 2005-10-20 06:32:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-10-20 06:21:45 (#)
Ranking: 0

Berty: It would appear that some clarification is in order. From now on, when referring to my platonic female friends, I will do so by calling them my 'platonic female friends'...and not girlfriends. I would like to extend my deepest, most heartfelt appologies for misleading you.
-------------------
I don't believe you. Women cannot maintain platonic relationships, that's a scientific fact. When we factor in that you are not just a woman but a pulsating, cyber, mecha, space cat/fox with only her cunning to protect her then we all know the score. Women just cannot help but be drawn to your seductive aura, powered as it is by sex.

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-10-20 06:21:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Berty: It would appear that some clarification is in order. From now on, when referring to my platonic female friends, I will do so by calling them my 'platonic female friends'...and not girlfriends. I would like to extend my deepest, most heartfelt appologies for misleading you.

Submitted by Fabit at 2005-10-20 05:57:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yammers!!

Submitted by Berty at 2005-10-20 05:53:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2005-10-20 05:48:44 (#)
Ranking: 2

A skirt over jeans?


What the fuck?
----------
It's just something she does to encourage her mates to disrobe her and wriggle about in her undercrackers.

"Oh Ducky, what are you wearing? lets get you out of those ridiculous clothes right now before someonw sees"

"but I'm so terribly, terribly, shy oh nubile female friend."

"well I'll tell you what, I'll take of my clothes with you so then you won't be embarrassed"

*giggle* "ok then"

Then they invite all their mates over, fuck one another in a frenzied manner untill the carpet is literally sodden with laydeeee goo. Then they all get into french maid outfits and clean it all up and order pizza so as to seduce the 16 year old asian delivery boy, thus rendering him impure and saving him from an arranged marriage.

Submitted by Beer_bong at 2005-10-20 05:48:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

A skirt over jeans?


What the fuck?

Submitted by Berty at 2005-10-20 05:44:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

were even.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-10-20 05:44:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So let me get this straight: You went out and where disgusted by a lonely person, then had a wistful moment, then shrugged thinking "sucks to be her, glad I didn't eat anything with all the vermin in the place" and left.

It's alright though. Some people just don't have a chance, they aren't strong enough to make friends or operate comfortably with others. There are mentaly ill people like Shandy's sister and that poor lonely bastard on the bus with his plastic bag who just lead these lonely lives. Now granted, I've spoken with these people and can hand on heart say that they are the kindest, compassionate loving souls that exist. That I have wept actual tears that these poor bastards live in lonliness and misery whilst the rest of us wallow in contemptable shallowness, but they are fucked. Bloody raggy dolls.

You did the right thing by turning your back on that woman, although for extra points you could have sat down and convinced her to put an end to herself. Besides, it's well known that you like to frolick with your mates to form a writhing mass of pulsating female pleasure, like some sort of genetically enhanced space cat, so you can do no wrong.


Burns: Oh, quit cogitating, Steinmetz, and use an open-faced club! A
sand wedge!

Homer: Mmm ... open-faced club sandwich.

Scenes From the Class Struggle in Springfield