Haloween: It Ain't What It Used To BeSubmitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-10-31 15:18:48 EST
Rating: 1.94 on 26 ratings (26 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
So today is Halloween, huh? This was always one of my favorite holidays as a kid, but it doesn't seem like it's even here this year. The magic is just gone, I guess.
I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might just be too big now to put on a fairy suit and trapse around the neighborhood asking for candy...even if it IS Halloween.
I felt the same way last year when I went door to door asking for heroin. (I was supposed to be a junkie.) People were scared all right! So scared they shut the door in my face and called the cops. I was so convincing they even threw me in jail for a couple nights and a district judge sentenced me to rehab.
For authenticity, I'd spent the previous month sleeping on my blankey by the river, and since tract marks are not easily mimiced, I had repeatedly stuck some used needles I luckily found in a park garbage can in my arm. The effect was uncanny! I think I had the best costume of anybody! Unfortunately, noone else seemed to think so.
In light of my past failure, I've decided not to participate in Halloween this year. I'm not even going to hand out candy. I'm just gonna open the door to the youngsters with a machete in hand, and then invite them in for tea.
Half the bastards don't even say "trick or treat" anymore anyway; they just hold out their bags expectantly like you know what the fuck they want; then when you give them candy, they just turn and haul ass without so much as a "thank you".
Fuck those little pricks!
In fact, I think I won't even invite them in if that's the way they wanna be! I'll just give them the fucking tea bag and let them find their own goddamn hot water!
Hell, they don't even trick or treat at night anymore. What the purpose in trying to scare anyone if when they answer the door you can't disappear into the hedges and leap out at them when they poke their head 'round...or pelt them in the face with fecal matter and vanish into the night anonymously?
Fuck it. I think when the little fuckers say "trick or treat" I'm just gonna say "trick" and stand there, waiting for the implications of my decision while I take mental notes of their attire, height, race, and other vital statistics for the police.
I realize that Halloween is supposed to be the season of giving and all, but I just can't get in the spirit. Kids nowadays don't even know how to properly egg a car. It's pathetic.
This Saturday night, I was on my way home from the cemetary when across my windshield flew what looked like a round, white bird. After a split second's consideration, I realized that there is no such thing as a species of round, white bird, so I concluded it must have been a bird egg, probably of the species gallus domesticus - better known as 'chicken'. I slammed on the brakes and stepped out of my car. In the bushes beside the road I saw a myriad of little bodies scatter. "Those fuckers," I thought. "I'll teach them!"
Over the next three hours, my new friends and I pelted passing motorists with all manner of bird fetus as I taught them the proper way to throw in front of the passing car or 'lead the throw' so as to acheive a high probability of impact.
After that I gave them what was left of my whiskey and drove home to unload the contents of my trunk and, consequently, my balls.