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Haloween: It Ain't What It Used To Be

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-10-31 15:18:48 EST
Rating: 1.94 on 26 ratings (26 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

So today is Halloween, huh? This was always one of my favorite holidays as a kid, but it doesn't seem like it's even here this year. The magic is just gone, I guess.

I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I might just be too big now to put on a fairy suit and trapse around the neighborhood asking for candy...even if it IS Halloween.

I felt the same way last year when I went door to door asking for heroin. (I was supposed to be a junkie.) People were scared all right! So scared they shut the door in my face and called the cops. I was so convincing they even threw me in jail for a couple nights and a district judge sentenced me to rehab.

For authenticity, I'd spent the previous month sleeping on my blankey by the river, and since tract marks are not easily mimiced, I had repeatedly stuck some used needles I luckily found in a park garbage can in my arm. The effect was uncanny! I think I had the best costume of anybody! Unfortunately, noone else seemed to think so.

In light of my past failure, I've decided not to participate in Halloween this year. I'm not even going to hand out candy. I'm just gonna open the door to the youngsters with a machete in hand, and then invite them in for tea.

Half the bastards don't even say "trick or treat" anymore anyway; they just hold out their bags expectantly like you know what the fuck they want; then when you give them candy, they just turn and haul ass without so much as a "thank you".

Fuck those little pricks!

In fact, I think I won't even invite them in if that's the way they wanna be! I'll just give them the fucking tea bag and let them find their own goddamn hot water!

Hell, they don't even trick or treat at night anymore. What the purpose in trying to scare anyone if when they answer the door you can't disappear into the hedges and leap out at them when they poke their head 'round...or pelt them in the face with fecal matter and vanish into the night anonymously?

Fuck it. I think when the little fuckers say "trick or treat" I'm just gonna say "trick" and stand there, waiting for the implications of my decision while I take mental notes of their attire, height, race, and other vital statistics for the police.

I realize that Halloween is supposed to be the season of giving and all, but I just can't get in the spirit. Kids nowadays don't even know how to properly egg a car. It's pathetic.

This Saturday night, I was on my way home from the cemetary when across my windshield flew what looked like a round, white bird. After a split second's consideration, I realized that there is no such thing as a species of round, white bird, so I concluded it must have been a bird egg, probably of the species gallus domesticus - better known as 'chicken'. I slammed on the brakes and stepped out of my car. In the bushes beside the road I saw a myriad of little bodies scatter. "Those fuckers," I thought. "I'll teach them!"

Over the next three hours, my new friends and I pelted passing motorists with all manner of bird fetus as I taught them the proper way to throw in front of the passing car or 'lead the throw' so as to acheive a high probability of impact.

After that I gave them what was left of my whiskey and drove home to unload the contents of my trunk and, consequently, my balls.

Happy Halloween!

fucking whippersnappers.gif
fucking whippersnappers.gif


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Submitted by Avals at 2005-11-01 09:26:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This post is hilarious. The responses - doubly so.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-01 08:10:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's a good tradition for america because if you don't want to play you can just put a sign in the lawn saying 'armed response beyond this point' and put a rifle next to the window.

Wouldn't work over here though, we're enlightened.

Submitted by firefly at 2005-11-01 01:41:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2005-11-01 01:33:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've been answering the door wearing nothing but a pair of white briefs, one knee-high sock, and a top hat.
In one hand: A bloody philips head screwdriver.
In the other: A to-scale plastic fetus, 19 weeks old.
Humming "She's Having My Baby" all the while.

Good times.

Submitted by williamson at 2005-11-01 01:13:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2005-10-31 20:18:10 (#)
Ranking: 2

I wish my country embraced this custom.
-==--=--=-=-=-=-=
So do I.

Submitted by Saxon at 2005-10-31 20:18:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I wish my country embraced this custom.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-10-31 20:06:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2005-10-31 18:22:09 (#)
Ranking: 2

I think I'll go TP my buddies house tonight for old time sake. Maybe I'll try to get him drunk and have him help me.
----------------------

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH! +2 for that comment

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2005-10-31 18:22:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah, Halloween aint what it used to be. Having to trick or treat before night fall just sucks. Plus, I used to be great at ther "trick" part. My talent with a role of TP was legendary. If you saw something I TPed, you'd applaud and wonder "how in the fuck are they going to clean all that up?"

I think I'll go TP my buddies house tonight for old time sake. Maybe I'll try to get him drunk and have him help me.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2005-10-31 17:32:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*sigh*

I remember the Halloweens of the 70s.

*sniff sniff* Excuse me but I'm getting a little teary eyed and nostalgic here.

Submitted by joedaddy at 2005-10-31 16:47:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:00:48 (#)
Ranking: 0

...but the cute little boys are a no go, I can tell you that for sure.
*******

butchers apron, ski mask, gas chain saw, screen door's fucked, porch is a mess.......

good times



Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2005-10-31 16:23:45 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Nobody trick or treats round here. They'd either get an illegal immigrant, a heroin addict or a wannabe gangster opening the door. Whichever it is, you ain't getting any sweets and you may lose a kidney.

Submitted by morontian at 2005-10-31 16:14:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Seeing as this will be my last night serving the public, I intend to have a good time with the little bastards at the "family" store I am leaving.

As a matter of fact, I'm already half an hour late. Oops.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-10-31 16:13:11 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-10-31 16:10:09 (#)
Ranking: 2

we're not answering the door- the pompey chavs don't even dress up

--------------------------

Bloody nudist chavs!

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-10-31 16:10:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

we're not answering the door- the pompey chavs don't even dress up

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-10-31 16:09:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The price of candy at my house:

One candy bar = One heart attack.

I shall be posting pics tomorrow.... Unless I'm in the clink of course.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-10-31 16:00:48 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:56:37 (#)
Ranking: 2



the cute little girls always have their parents with them now
----------------------------

I haven't noticed...but the cute little boys are a no go, I can tell you that for sure.

Submitted by joedaddy at 2005-10-31 15:56:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2



the cute little girls always have their parents with them now




Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-10-31 15:49:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

There is some friggin ankle-biter down the hall from me that keeps yelling:

HAHD-O-WEEN
HAHD-O-WEEN
HAHD-O-WEEN

It's kinda like her-ca-lees, her-ca-lees.


If I don't go on a murderous rampage this afternoon, I never will.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-10-31 15:45:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Drone_of_Industry (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:39:46 (#)
Ranking: 2

i never really thought about the flaming bags of shit before. I just assumed a gooey, wet pile of shit was flammable. But of course it's not. When people see a fire on their front porch, their instant reaction is to STOMP ON IT. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

everybody knew this but me.

---------------------------------

Dude, sometimes you're so aloof it's scary.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-10-31 15:44:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-10-31 15:37:40 (#)
Ranking: 2

This other kid had barbies glued all over him, chick magnet. Even though this wasn't too original, it was funny to see an 8 yr old kid tell me, "hey man, I can't turn it off."

-----------------------

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Well, at least he didn't have pocket pussies all over him. *idea begins to form*

Submitted by Drone_of_Industry at 2005-10-31 15:39:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i never really thought about the flaming bags of shit before. I just assumed a gooey, wet pile of shit was flammable. But of course it's not. When people see a fire on their front porch, their instant reaction is to STOMP ON IT. HAHAHAHAHA!!!

everybody knew this but me.

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-10-31 15:37:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm always sure to yell, "you're welcome!!!!"
Especially if their imbred fucking parents are with them.

I also have 2 candy selections, the first I reserve for the shitty run of the mill costumes,
ex: spiderman, pirates, dinsaurs, Tonya Harding, ect.

The other I give to the kids that put some goddamn elbow grease and brain power into it,
ex: some kid was a rolex watch one year, fucking hilarious. I gave him 5 dollars.
This other kid had barbies glued all over him, chick magnet. Even though this wasn't too original, it was funny to see an 8 yr old kid tell me, "hey man, I can't turn it off."

If i catch the woman giving good candy to shitty costumes, she gets the hose.

Submitted by Ferretnose at 2005-10-31 15:30:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I myself dread all the little ghey looking Spiderman, Batman, and Barbie costumes that will come a-knocking.

Submitted by Dante_Alighieri at 2005-10-31 15:26:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Stupid 13 year old pricks come to your door, no costumes, smoking a joint, "Hey, man, got any candy?" At this point, I have managed to build a fully-automatic M16 assault rifle out of the candy bowl, a plexiglass frame, and a roll of sweet tarts, and I pump the little bastards full of sugary goodness. Screaming ensues, though the kids continue puffing on the blunt. The sweet tarts are still too sour.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-10-31 15:22:15 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Goddamn whippershnappers

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-10-31 15:21:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking kids these days.


Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from
Happyland in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaane! Oh, by the way, I
was being sarcastic.

-- Homer Simpson
Flaming Moe's