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The Art of Getting Sacked - Day One

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-08 08:37:33 EST
Rating: 1.92 on 83 ratings (83 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

It’s not an original idea I know - I’ve read countless books and seen more than a few movies on the matter but this is a truthful account and not so long ago, details like that used to matter.


The Situation:
Spurious disciplinary meetings and formal written warnings do not a happy Spam make. Factor in the loss of my £1k bonus due next month and my salary being frozen in place for the next 2 years and mere unhappiness starts to look like an emotional state to strive for.

What really gets me though, is that I’ve done enough to secure a righteous sacking ten times over since I’ve been here and instead fate has decreed that I get roasted over something completely out of my hands.

That’s just mean, man. Plain old mean.

So I quit.

Simple enough.

But you see, like everybody, I CAN’T just up and quit - I have these annoying inconveniences called ‘Bills’ which I guess require paying every now and again and while I’m at work, I’m not out there looking for another job.

Answer: Garden Leave.

For the uneducated, Garden Leave is a system normally reserved for your high power directors and such - when they hand their notice in, the company normally decides that it would be better for all concerned if they were to serve their notice period in the comfort of their luxury villa in the Algarve rather than go through all of the bother of actually turning up and pretending that what they do is important.

So I figure I’ve gotta get me some of this garden leave shit - I can get paid for being at home looking for a job that doesn’t involve taking old ladies out for dinner in a prelude to Vaseline-aided beasting AND fit in my intense regime of cannabis, brandy and This Morning (with neither Richard NOR Judy). The way I see it, I’ve got about a week to get myself suspended to make it worthwhile. Tough break.

What’s that you say? Come into work wearing only a Partyboy thong ‘n bowtie and punch out the boss? Tempting, but can you say ‘Summary Dismissal’?

You see under company policy, because I’ve handed my notice in I can only be put through disciplinary process for something considered an act of gross misconduct - in which case I would be fired on the spot without severance pay and sent out into the big harsh world of unemployment with no job, no money, and no reference. Not the way to go.

Misdemeanours my friends. It’s all about the misdemeanours.


Let’s play.


Monday
0800am: Dawn of a new era.
Okay, so I’ve got to start small and work my way up, Bossman received my resignation on Friday afternoon and wants to ‘discuss’ the matter with me at 11:00am today, so I figure it’ll make suitably a good impression if I turn up to work a healthy 45 minutes late - just to set some groundwork. It’s a pleasant feeling to be completely awake with plenty of time to spare to get to work but to instead spend the morning sitting at home watching TV in your undies.


0951: My arrival.
Mission accomplished. Donna, (My Team-leader and Bossman’s chief minion) clocks me strolling in to work unshaven and unconcerned. I smile openly at her look of reproach and this infuriates her further so my grin widens. Nothing starts the day better than a nice little anger/happiness feedback-loop between yourself and your so-called ‘superior’.


1002: My first fag break.
Oh yes, I waited a whole eleven minutes.


1030: My return
I laugh in the face of your 10 minute break policy.


1033: The tea round.
Hey I’m supplying a valuable service here - caffeine is good for morale.


1052: Oops.
Ever thought how funny it would be if, when you’re carrying a fully laden tray of luke-warm drinks from the shitty tea machine, you were to ‘accidentally’ trip over a carelessly positioned network cable and spill the entire contents over the desk of the annoying twat that does nothing all day but her makeup? Well I can now answer that question for you:

Funny. As. Fuck.


11:00 The meeting

This guy has always intimidated me. I think it might be because he looks like Chris Eubank. Having said that, this is the crux, the moneyshot - if I can be attitude laden enough in this meeting without stretching it to the point of being abusive, I should be handing in my badge and stapler within the hour. It’s a fine line to tread.

“…I just want to be absolutely sure that you’ve thought this through properly Sam. I mean - are you positive that this isn’t a rash decision made in anger?” He's talking to me in neutral tones like we've been buddies for years. God I hate this guy.

“Don’t be ridiculous Martin. OF COURSE it was a decision made in anger – I’m still absolutely furious at you for essentially wrecking my career because too many people in the department are taking time off sick and you needed somebody to make an example of.”

“Well," He says, "I can’t ‘officially’ advise you to argue against the decision, but if you don’t agree with it, an appeal is definitely one option to consider.”

I look at him for a long second before replying.

“What does THAT even mean? Are you telling me to stay and appeal against the decision or not?”

“No I’m not. But then again, I’m not telling you NOT to appeal against it either. It’s like this Sam…“

I cut him off: “You know what? Forget it. I didn’t really care anyway. I think that’s the main problem. I’m sick of it all Martin. I’m sick of listening to you go through these managerial speeches only to realise that whilst your can talk all day, you're saying practically nothing. I’m sick of sitting at my desk in a state of impotent anger because you can’t be bothered to fill the 5 positions that have been vacant for over a year and so I have to do two other people’s jobs. I’m sick of the complete and utter lethargy that washes over me as soon as my swipe-card hits the doorlock and I enter the building. Basically, I don't care - not about a single thing that goes on in this godforsaken place.”

“I see” He leans back and steeples his hands.

“I don’t think you do Martin. In fact, let me break it down for you – I don’t like this company, I don’t like the job I do here, I don’t like the people I do it with and I don’t like YOU”.

And our survey Says:- Fuck you.

Martin isn’t even the slightest taken aback by this tirade and continues: - "Sam, I know you think that I'm some big mean 'ogre' out to 'get you' but let me tell you.."

I don't let him tell me.

"You’re right Martin - That's EXACTLY what I think of you." I have to stop myself from adding - 'and if you use your fingers to do those 'air quotations' one more time, I'm gonna snap the fuckers off’ - I'm already flirting with gross misconduct in this meeting - and that means I'll lose the game.

"That's quite sad Sam." He says quietly.

"It would be difficult for me to adequately describe to you how little that comment means to me." I pause thoughtfully. "Actually, no. I think I just did it."

“And you’re sure that this is what you want to do?"

"Have you been listening to a single word I've said?"

He leans back with an air of finality. "Okay, well this isn't going anywhere. Go back to your desk and get on with your work."

What the fuck??

I just told you I DIDN'T FUCKING CARE about this place and you STILL want me here for another four weeks? are you fucking STUPID??

so it would appear.


1230: A quick exit.
it's four hours since my official start time and my PC still hasn't been turned on. It doesn't seem worth it now somehow. So...

"Donna, I've gotta go to the docs at two o’clock."

"You never mentioned that earlier."

"Didn't have time. anyway, my lunch is due to start now and I'll probably go straight to the surgery afterwards. It'll be a long appointment so I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

I'm praying she'll say something about the audacity of taking lunch after being 50 minutes late but the weak cunt doesn't and so I walk out unchallenged 4 hours early and after having done absolutely nothing in the time I was here.

But I still have to come back tomorrow.

I need to up my game.



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Reviews


Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-17 13:50:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.

Submitted by Grimm at 2005-12-16 06:33:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

fucking awesome dude

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2005-12-16 05:34:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm taking notes.

Submitted by Method at 2005-12-03 15:41:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by bush_for_god at 2005-12-03 15:15:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by mrwolf at 2005-11-16 11:58:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

God I wish I hadn;t missed this first time around... time for the next one.

Submitted by One4TheRoad at 2005-11-10 12:09:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sterculius at 2005-11-10 04:33:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Jesus H. Christ, this is the kind of writing I want to see here. You, sir, may I call you sir? are magnificent.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-10 04:08:33 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2005-11-09 19:55:14 (#)
Ranking: 2

You'd be proud of me S.
I left some disgruntled fucker hanging on the phone
for 5 mins while i read this -

Its all about priorities.

--

From the sounds of your drinking binge this weekend mate, I was more than proud of you already.

But also a little bit scared.

Submitted by missedthepoint at 2005-11-09 19:55:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You'd be proud of me S.
I left some disgruntled fucker hanging on the phone
for 5 mins while i read this -

Its all about priorities.

Submitted by GaidinCanuck at 2005-11-09 17:36:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny stuff. :)

Submitted by Mook at 2005-11-09 14:22:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"It's a pleasant feeling to be completely awake with plenty of time to spare to get to work but to instead spend the morning sitting at home watching TV in your undies."
indeed

Submitted by m0ke34 at 2005-11-09 12:07:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

nice.

Submitted by Soley_Trinity at 2005-11-09 06:54:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.ubersite.com/m/78574 You've got a great head of hair.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-09 06:38:31 EST (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by Adereterial at 2005-11-09 06:34:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-08 22:58:23 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:55:24 (#)
Ranking: 0

I'm betting it's apollo's old mobile. A lot of the messages up there recently seem very Apolloesque. Not that I'm comlaining mind""""

Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-11-08 14:36:11 (#)
Ranking: 2

It's not Apollo's old number - not unless he had more than one mobile..... """


of course I had more that one mobile.

also, that number aint mine.

plus i reckon its berty

and some cunt signed me up to a ring tone thing for 4.50 per month, a while back, i reckon it was dervel.

---------------

It's not Berty, unless he's changed his number in the past month.

Not me, either.

Submitted by ghola at 2005-11-08 23:58:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

you're my hero.

Submitted by Balrog at 2005-11-08 23:39:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That was gold.

Submitted by sublime at 2005-11-08 23:28:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

whenever i want to piss off the bosses i make them waste money. Like once in a while our store will buy us lunch, which usually consists of pizza, so i take everyone out for a better lunch, (there being 5 people there helps). It pisses the boss off to see no one touched the pizza and have my coworkers tell him that i took them out. Or i break something that is on the brink of breaking but would be terrible if it broke now.

Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky at 2005-11-08 23:11:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

awesome

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2005-11-08 23:08:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is Balls Out Natalie. Yessirree.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-11-08 22:58:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:55:24 (#)
Ranking: 0

I'm betting it's apollo's old mobile. A lot of the messages up there recently seem very Apolloesque. Not that I'm comlaining mind""""

Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2005-11-08 14:36:11 (#)
Ranking: 2

It's not Apollo's old number - not unless he had more than one mobile..... """


of course I had more that one mobile.

also, that number aint mine.

plus i reckon its berty

and some cunt signed me up to a ring tone thing for 4.50 per month, a while back, i reckon it was dervel.


Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-11-08 20:45:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Catch a squirrel in a box trap, release him in the office, get out the 12-gauge and begin target practice. If that doesn't get you fired, I don't know what will.

Submitted by williamson at 2005-11-08 20:04:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This has the potential to be the best series on uber - ever.

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-11-08 18:46:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Any idea what you'll do after you quit/get fired?

Submitted by Viciousriffs at 2005-11-08 17:39:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Cover your ass, there's a shitstorm headed your way.

Submitted by Shifty at 2005-11-08 17:35:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Work of Fucking art!

Good luck with it.
Looking forward to you upping the stakes :)

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-11-08 17:04:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

they're going to flat out fire you...but good post.

Submitted by Davros at 2005-11-08 15:41:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Not Merlina, Phuzzy or MiketheScottish either.

-Dave

Submitted by Stin at 2005-11-08 14:36:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's not Apollo's old number - not unless he had more than one mobile.....

Submitted by firefly at 2005-11-08 14:28:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-11-08 13:33:52 EST (#)
Rating: 1

But I still have to come back tomorrow.

I need to up my game.
-----
long-distance personal phone calls - that's the way to go

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-11-08 13:01:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-08 12:43:22 (#)
Ranking: 2

call someone who needs a chat +447774598750. leave a message, he'll get back to you.
--------------------------
I tried calling... but I couldn't find the '+' button on my phone

<twirls hair>

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-08 12:55:24 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I'm betting it's apollo's old mobile. A lot of the messages up there recently seem very Apolloesque. Not that I'm comlaining mind.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-08 12:51:04 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Its not Mine, Pock or Dave's.

whoever it is, their voicemail is no longer accepting messages as it is full to capacity and I don't know hopw many messages you'd need to have to get to that stage but it must be over 20.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-11-08 12:43:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

call someone who needs a chat +447774598750. leave a message, he'll get back to you.


whos number is this?

Submitted by loki at 2005-11-08 12:42:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think you should use this time to continue to torment your coworkers.

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2005-11-08 12:42:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-11-08 12:37:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-11-08 09:06:29 (#)
Ranking: 2

To much effort Sam.

Go down the doc's, tell them your parents have just seperated and your girlfriend has left you.
Result - Get signed off with stress and as an added bonus you can sell your anti-d's and sleepers to some chavs. ""


i'll buy 'em!!

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-08 12:36:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

jesus tittyfucking christ, for a second I thought that was my number on the Uberboard. Who's number IS that?

Submitted by scourge at 2005-11-08 12:13:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can now live my dream vicariously through you. Especially if you shit on your bosses desk before you leave for good.

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2005-11-08 11:55:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Excellent effort.


Submitted by Davros at 2005-11-08 11:54:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2005-11-08 09:06:29 (#)
Ranking: 2

To much effort Sam.

Go down the doc's, tell them your parents have just seperated and your girlfriend has left you.
Result - Get signed off with stress and as an added bonus you can sell your anti-d's and sleepers to some chavs.

----------------------------

Miss Dervel stole my thunder.

-Dave

Submitted by morontian at 2005-11-08 11:47:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Crystle at 2005-11-08 11:39:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I have felt this way before.

+2 for doing it.

Submitted by Barnymeinhoff at 2005-11-08 11:10:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Destroy your enemies,
Wade in their gore,
Revel in the lamentation of their women folk.

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-11-08 11:09:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

w00t

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-11-08 10:43:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Just stop going in.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-11-08 10:42:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-08 09:57:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-08 09:46:25 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-08 09:28:06 (#)
Ranking: 2

You shouldn't gay about like this, you want to find a job whilst still at your old job. You're a daddy and daddy's cannot afford to be pillocks.
===

Berty, the old rule is that you should have enough in savings to go a year without working so you can make your stands and the like.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I still reckon you'd be better off finding a job before you leave you're current one.

Indeed my father always taught me that as soon as you get a new job you should start looking for a better one.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-11-08 09:51:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

come


to


work


drunk.


smoke at your desk. make irish coffees at work. fart. frequently.

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-11-08 09:46:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-08 09:28:06 (#)
Ranking: 2

You shouldn't gay about like this, you want to find a job whilst still at your old job. You're a daddy and daddy's cannot afford to be pillocks.
===

Berty, the old rule is that you should have enough in savings to go a year without working so you can make your stands and the like.

Submitted by missflibble at 2005-11-08 09:45:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wish I'd gone out in a blaze of glory. it's always more fun that way.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-11-08 09:37:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

spam is on teh brandy.

All you do spam to get GL is mutter about 'trade secrets' and 'design flaws'.

you'll be out before you can say GET OUT YOU GREASY HAIRED BUFFOON

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-11-08 09:36:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've given this alot of thought... no not for you though you selfish...

Anywho... go rent a car... a SHITTY car, go for an angry drive after a work 'argument' with your boss.

add windy road
add rain

Crash shitty car and WALA! AMNESIA!

That's my dream disability... fake amnesia.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-08 09:31:09 EST (#)
Rating: -2

In case any of you fuckers care, Day 2 should be up tomorrow.

not that it matters.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-08 09:28:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-11-08 09:26:09 (#)
Ranking: 2

Spam, you have no idea how timely this post is to my life.

Good job, I'm taking notes
-------
Don't listen to him, he's a damn half-wit.

You shouldn't gay about like this, you want to find a job whilst still at your old job. You're a daddy and daddy's cannot afford to be pillocks.

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-11-08 09:26:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Spam, you have no idea how timely this post is to my life.

Good job, I'm taking notes.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-11-08 09:24:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

foreplay is a headbutt after all

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-08 09:22:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*hangs head in shame*

This is like teaching girls to cry rape. """


YEAH LIKE THEY NEED TEACHING!
-----------
It's nothing you can't fix with a sock and some duct tape.

Submitted by Adereterial at 2005-11-08 09:18:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yes, well, you see now, DO YOU SEE, that your problem Anna is that you are a big softie.

------------

I see.

Bugger.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-11-08 09:18:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-11-08 09:16:17 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-11-08 09:04:33 (#)
Ranking: 2

Anyway, what you need to do is ask for garden leave. Go in there, tell him your girlfriend just dumped you and you've been feeling "a bit silly for a while now" and that "I really need to get my head together. I do think that this move is the best thing for both myself and the company and I would like to apologise for my erratic behaviour over the last few weeks."

------------

I did that, and instead of getting me a quick release it got me 3 extra fucking days in the godforsaken place, 3 aditional PC screen induced headaches and 3 aditional months with the physio sorting out the PC keyboard induced RSI. Nice.

You could just ASK for garden leave, if you've got nowhere by Friday...
----------
Yes, well, you see now, DO YOU SEE, that your problem Anna is that you are a big softie.

if that had been me I'd have started crying and hysterically shouting 'constructive dismissal, constructive dismissal!'

*hangs head in shame*

This is like teaching girls to cry rape. """


YEAH LIKE THEY NEED TEACHING!


Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-08 09:17:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-11-08 09:15:44 (#)
Ranking: 2

remember when i was on gardening leave for 3 months?

that ruled.
----------------
Bastard.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2005-11-08 09:17:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Roll on 2.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-08 09:16:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Adereterial (user info) at 2005-11-08 09:04:33 (#)
Ranking: 2

Anyway, what you need to do is ask for garden leave. Go in there, tell him your girlfriend just dumped you and you've been feeling "a bit silly for a while now" and that "I really need to get my head together. I do think that this move is the best thing for both myself and the company and I would like to apologise for my erratic behaviour over the last few weeks."

------------

I did that, and instead of getting me a quick release it got me 3 extra fucking days in the godforsaken place, 3 aditional PC screen induced headaches and 3 aditional months with the physio sorting out the PC keyboard induced RSI. Nice.

You could just ASK for garden leave, if you've got nowhere by Friday...
----------
Yes, well, you see now, DO YOU SEE, that your problem Anna is that you are a big softie.

if that had been me I'd have started crying and hysterically shouting 'constructive dismissal, constructive dismissal!'

*hangs head in shame*

This is like teaching girls to cry rape.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-11-08 09:15:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

remember when i was on gardening leave for 3 months?

that ruled.


Submitted by beatjunky at 2005-11-08 09:12:44 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Avals at 2005-11-08 09:12:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Huzzah?

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-11-08 09:07:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Rock the fuck on.

Submitted by Dervel at 2005-11-08 09:06:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

To much effort Sam.

Go down the doc's, tell them your parents have just seperated and your girlfriend has left you.
Result - Get signed off with stress and as an added bonus you can sell your anti-d's and sleepers to some chavs.

Submitted by Required_Reading at 2005-11-08 09:05:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've never been fired. I have quit each and every job I have ever held. The current one I am going to attempt a whistle-blowing debacle involving me and the bureau of restaurant regulation, or whatever they are called.


Stay the course amigo

Submitted by Adereterial at 2005-11-08 09:04:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Anyway, what you need to do is ask for garden leave. Go in there, tell him your girlfriend just dumped you and you've been feeling "a bit silly for a while now" and that "I really need to get my head together. I do think that this move is the best thing for both myself and the company and I would like to apologise for my erratic behaviour over the last few weeks."

------------

I did that, and instead of getting me a quick release it got me 3 extra fucking days in the godforsaken place, 3 aditional PC screen induced headaches and 3 aditional months with the physio sorting out the PC keyboard induced RSI. Nice.

You could just ASK for garden leave, if you've got nowhere by Friday...

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-11-08 09:03:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-11-08 09:00:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You have a nice writing style.

I always enjoy posts like this; Leaving a job is like a month long drunken night out.

You lose your inhibitions- ie tell your co-workers / boss what you really think of them.
You become confident and uncaring about the consequences of your actions.

If that's not a recipe for a good time and a good story, then I don't know what is.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-11-08 09:00:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You have a boss who is reasonably understanding it seems. At least compared to the Yoda/Nkwanku Kanu cross breed who tells me what to do!


Woah.



Your story ruled.


Strategies:
Stop washing yourself?
Dark muttering to yourself?
Minor breakages occuring around you?
Keep hitting on wives/girlfriends (boyfriends even if you're desperate) of employees/boss?

Worth a go anyhow - let me know how it works out!

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-11-08 08:58:40 EST (#)
Rating: 1

One would think that using the phrase "Quit acting like a sniveling little bitch" to one's boss would result in one getting fired.



It got me my annual raise and more independence in the office. I love my job.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2005-11-08 08:57:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Great post.

While you're at it, develope a 'twitch.' Psychological pressures coming to the surface, stress manifesting itself.

A brief, rictus smile appearing at inappropriate moments works wonders. Explain that the stress is doing it, and keep doing it. They can't fire you for this condition, but they won't want you around. You may get a nice pay-off.

http://www.bizarreuprising.com/img/art/gil02/gil-joker.png

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-11-08 08:54:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think you shoulc score some adult diapers, and crap yourself at work tommorrow, I promise they will want you to go home and they can't sack you for that.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-08 08:51:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I just read that review back and it's like that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when the computer starts writing the suicide note.

Submitted by Magic_Monkey at 2005-11-08 08:50:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Haha "fag break " , i didn't get it until a while after.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-08 08:49:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm well impressed with your boss, he sounds like a bad ass motherfucker with diplomatic skillz to the max.

Needed more TJ Hooker by the way.

Anyway, what you need to do is ask for garden leave. Go in there, tell him your girlfriend just dumped you and you've been feeling "a bit silly for a while now" and that "I really need to get my head together. I do think that this move is the best thing for both myself and the company and I would like to apologise for my erratic behaviour over the last few weeks."

Job done.

Although, it's possible that your company policy doesn't allow for garden leave.

Submitted by Spam at 2005-11-08 08:45:59 EST (#)
Rating: -2

This is fucking shit I know but it's 99.9% true and I couldn't be arsed to tart it up, such is the effect this shit-hole is currently having on me.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-11-08 08:45:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I am sooooo doing this.


Well, you'll be happy to know I don't work very hard. Actually, I'm
bringing the plant down from the inside.

-- Homer Simpson
The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular